Dear Anthony...

[xhorizen]

I am writing this to you here because I know you will never find it. I hope you never will. Mainly because I tell you everything I'm about to say all the time, and you never believe me. But I need to have it written down because then I can see if I truly am ridiculous for thinking what I think, or if my feelings are true

Comments

[kayelune]

:/
how long have you been together?

[xhorizen]

Almost three months. Its so hard to explain, but he is my freaking soul mate, but my ex totally changed me. She hurt me so much and now I don't want to get hurt, so what do I do? I put up defenses and I hurt him. I hate myself for it too.

[omgitsalexis]

I feel the exact same way about my relationship with my ex/soon to be boyfriend again.

[xhorizen]

Doesn't it just suck? Like, you want them to be happy and you know they won't be happy with you, but then you know that you can't bring yourself to let them go. You're talking about Jacob, right?

[omgitsalexis]

Yeah. I know there is another girl that could treat him better and appreciate him like he deserves. But I don't want to give up on my ability to change, you know?

[xhorizen]

I know exactly what you mean. I feel like if I can acknowledge that I'm bad for him, then I'm on the right path to being able to fix it so that I'm not horrible, and I'm not bad for him.

[babyitsamore]

I totally know what you're talking about. It's like you took all those words right out of my mouth haha. I just always found myself saying and feeling that he deserved better because that's how I truly felt, but of course they're just going to disagree every time. And you can't just break up with him just because you feel like he deserves better because it wouldnt be fair to him and you don't want to lose him, so you're stuck with just feeling bad about yourself and feeling guilty like you don't deserve the amazing way that he treats you while you're having doubts (damn that was a long sentence, sorry haha). Am I close?

[xhorizen]

That is exactly it! Like I was telling omgitsalexis though, if I keep feeling all down on myself, eventually it will wear on him, and he will get sick of all the insecurity. He tells me all the time that I'm perfect, which I know isn't true, but then if I say something like "oh yeah, whatever" he makes me take it back and repeat it to myself...

I don't know. I really want him to be happy, and as long as he is happy with me, and I'm changing to make him happier, I'm willing to stick with it.

[babyitsamore]

I think that's all cool so long as YOU'RE happy too. A problem that I have is putting other people before myself and sacrificing my own happiness in order to make sure everyone else is happy. And it's really hard to put my happiness first but everyone tells me that it's something I need to work on, so if you're anything like me than I know what you're going through.

And you said you're changing to make him happier...in what way are you changing? Just about the feeling down on yourself thing? Because if that's it then yeah I agree it's cool to try change to being easier on yourself, but you shouldn't change your personality for him.. that's who you are, and from what I've read it seems like he's already accepted you for who you are.

[xhorizen]

Thats exactly how I am! Thats why I got stuck in my previous relationship, because I knew that I would hurt Heather by leaving her, so I was miserable for like 3 months before I finally cut myself free forever.

I'm changing in the way that I'm trying to not be so down on myself and I'm trying to accept myself for me, but I'm also changing the way that I interact with people, and him in particular, because I can be so mean to him over the stupidest things, and when we fight, I am the biggest bitch ever. So I'm working on changing that too.