some things.
i don't know why, but it seems like every time something bad happens or i feel really crappy, writing it out in an lj post is strangely therapeutic for me. so of course, here we go again.
i'm about to leave for orientation for IU. i really don't want to go. i've been feeling terrible these past few days.
i lost one of my best friends. we had been friends for six years. last time we were together, we had talked about how we were glad we were still friends, and how we hoped we could keep being friends for much longer. she decided she hates me, i guess. told me a lot of things that really hurt and then that she didn't want to talk to me anymore completely out of the blue. i try to act like it doesn't bother me, but it does. so much. and there's no-one i can really talk to about it.
i need to change in a few ways. i need to stop being so goddamn jealous. but, in this case, i know it's different. it's not only jealousy, but it's also fear. fear that i'm not good enough, that i'm too annoying, that someone else is better and that as soon as the school year starts that someone else will continue to be better until i'm nothing. that's kind of how it was last year, anyway. how i felt. and i don't want that again, but i'm powerless against it. it'll happen. it won't be the same anymore, even though i'll probably try to keep it that way. i just don't know anymore.
there are too many things on my mind right now. too many things that are too complicated and i'm so frustrated with myself for a lot of them. i just want to be happy. i want to have fun in my last few weeks here before the next year starts. but that's not happening, and my mood is so down all the time. i hate it. ugh.
i also want to write. so bad. it's been too long, and i miss it. hopefully i'll get some days off work next week to just chill or something. i doubt it, but one can hope, right?
i also wish i could go to the fair again before it goes out of town. but i know i won't. it was fun, though.
alright. emo post is emo and also over. sorry for the rant, but it does make me feel better somehow. hopefully when i get back from orientation i'll be a little less depressed. ♥
i'm about to leave for orientation for IU. i really don't want to go. i've been feeling terrible these past few days.
i lost one of my best friends. we had been friends for six years. last time we were together, we had talked about how we were glad we were still friends, and how we hoped we could keep being friends for much longer. she decided she hates me, i guess. told me a lot of things that really hurt and then that she didn't want to talk to me anymore completely out of the blue. i try to act like it doesn't bother me, but it does. so much. and there's no-one i can really talk to about it.
i need to change in a few ways. i need to stop being so goddamn jealous. but, in this case, i know it's different. it's not only jealousy, but it's also fear. fear that i'm not good enough, that i'm too annoying, that someone else is better and that as soon as the school year starts that someone else will continue to be better until i'm nothing. that's kind of how it was last year, anyway. how i felt. and i don't want that again, but i'm powerless against it. it'll happen. it won't be the same anymore, even though i'll probably try to keep it that way. i just don't know anymore.
there are too many things on my mind right now. too many things that are too complicated and i'm so frustrated with myself for a lot of them. i just want to be happy. i want to have fun in my last few weeks here before the next year starts. but that's not happening, and my mood is so down all the time. i hate it. ugh.
i also want to write. so bad. it's been too long, and i miss it. hopefully i'll get some days off work next week to just chill or something. i doubt it, but one can hope, right?
i also wish i could go to the fair again before it goes out of town. but i know i won't. it was fun, though.
alright. emo post is emo and also over. sorry for the rant, but it does make me feel better somehow. hopefully when i get back from orientation i'll be a little less depressed. ♥