"Hear the Breath of Death"
i don't know where to start. i start off many journal entries this way. my dear friend Debbie that i met in this 2 week program that i had to be in after my mother died (last summer) and is much older (like an auntie or an older sister) is so different from me, but yet again, so alike, after staying with me for one night, on sunday, got in a horrible car wreck because she is a diabetic and forgot to eat lunch and i am an asshole and i was sleeping and didn't remind her. i had no idea what time it was. she was less then a block from my apartment and she had a diabetic seizure and ran a red light and got in a wreck and was in the hospital all day. i feel like a total asshole. i want to crawl in a ditch and die. she had no one to call cause she didn't have my number on her and mine is unlisted. and her family is so cruel....she was created as a pawn...literally...her family are all apostolic christians and her mother had an affair with a man and got knocked up on purpose, with her, trying to get him to leave his wife, so she could divorce her current husband, and they could married...but it didn't work...and so Debbie became a resentment to the family, a figure to be ostrcasized and it makes me want to puke. i want to punch her mother. it makes me so sick that her mother is alive and mine isn't...it isn't fair....the assholes outlive the good ones, always. so if she called her family they only would have laughed at her...they already think it's funny enough she's hanging around a 23 year old. they all treat her like shit. she had to come back from the hospital and stay here and i just laid my head on her chest crying with her cause i felt so terrible for her. the next day we walked around in the towing yard to find her car, which fortunately wasn't damaged too badly...but it was eerie...i was studying the cars with the caved in roofs and windshields, the completely fucked-up pieces of work, and wondering how many had died, and in which vehicles...it was right by a cemetary...most of my family doesn't care much for me cause i'll never be who they want me to be but at least i have my brother and my uncles. and i had my Mommy and my Daddy and i have those memories. it kills me to think about her living at her apartment by herself and worrying about her and her family tormenting her. and the fact that something terrible may eventually happen to her. she is reclusive like me as well and i understand. but how can i help her when she is that way? and i miss my other friends too but it is so hard to get out of bed anymore...on a strange note, Nathan's room-mate who dislikes me wants me sing on one of his songs...odd.