story: silence
JJ had had a bad feeling from the start. She told you so during the plane ride, long before you had even been to the first crime scene, when the victims had been nothing to you but dark haired women on photographs. She told you that “something” was “gonna happen” and that she’d like it best if Hotch just ordered the pilot to turn around and return back to Quantico. Which he didn’t of course, because he didn’t hear her and you were all just doing your job and because he was Hotch. Now, 6 months later, you wish he had heard her and just done what she had said. Because you can’t stand this situation anymore. This life that that unsub forced upon you, right before Morgan’s bullet took the vicious glimmer in his eyes away.
You can stand how Hotch looks at you guiltily. His eyes trying to tell you what his mouth can’t. That he is sorry that this had to happen to you and he didn’t do anything to protect you.
You can stand how Morgan looks at you like you’re a fragile porcelain doll which is gonna snap as soon as someone says something wrong.
You can stand how Rossi looks at you like a mixture of loving father and distanced observer, drawn between wanting to protect you from any possible harm and the knowledge and experience that he can’t take your memories away from you.
You can stand how Reid looks at you in a mix of confusion and wonder that is so uniquely his own. Like he can’t really understand why you have become what you are because statistics can only tell you so much and when it comes to emotions the young genius is pretty much lost.
You can stand how Garcia looks at you with tears in her eyes, silently begging you to say something to comfort her because she doesn’t know how to treat you when you’re so unlike your old self.
What you can’t stand is JJ making happy conversation. Touching you, whenever possible. Kissing your lips just like she has done in the plane rest room somewhere in the air between Quantico and Phoenix. Smiling at you, when she tells you that you look good today and that she still can’t believe how much she loves you. What you can’t stand is JJ acting like you have never been to Phoenix. You can’t stand that she acts around you as if nothing has happened.
Because what has happened is that, although he is dead now, the unsub took your life 3 days after you arrived in Phoenix. And you still remember every nanosecond you spent in his basement.
You still hear his voice hissing your name.
You still see his eyes looking at you hungrily.
You still taste your own blood that spilled out of your lip after he slapped you.
You still smell his hot breath on your face.
And you still feel him inside you.
How can JJ pretend nothing has happened when the white sheets and white walls and white cloths are bruising your eyes?
How can she pretend you’re still the old Emily when your only possibility to see the blue sky is through barred hospital windows?
How can she act like everything’s still the same when you have been drugged out of your mind because it was the only way to keep you from taking showers five times a day?
How can she pretend nothing changed when you haven’t slept in her arms for 6 months?
How can she do it if you haven’t spoken a word since you screamed her name after Morgan killed that bastard right on top of you?