oh how i hate being a girl.... (parental advisory, explicit content...)
this entry is gunna be about guy drama cause well yeah its my journal and i want it to be....
okay so theres this guy were gunna call him... "the italian", yeah i was at a party like 2 months ago and me and my friends we just having a good time hanging out talking to people we used to hang out with back in the day and from outta nowhere someones head comes flying into my boobs... for a sec i was in shock then i realized the head belonged to my friend chris, who i hadn't really talked to or hung out with since the last time i did mesculine. so i was talking to him and i realized he had a really cute chick from the bar he works at AND "the italian" with him. i went to school with "the italian" but never really thought much about it. hung out with him a couple times but again never really thought about anything, i guess maybe i wasnt attracted to him or thought he "was outta my league".but whatever.... well somehow (dont ask me how cause i dont know... and no im not a whore) "the italian" and i ended up going in the living room to mess around then people started to come in and turned the lights on and stuff so we didnt get to do anything. so a lil while later we all (as in my friends i came with and chris and "the italian") decided we were gunna go to someone elses house and hang out there concidering we would prolly be up for a while longer anyways and everyone else was going to bed. so we get there and then some drama happened so "the italian" and i decided to go to my house and sleep. well we get there and he starts drinking somemore (yeah i know he was already drunk... but whatever some people have problems, who am i to judge?), well we ended up talking for like 5 hours about life and shit weve been through and all that, then after conviencing him i didnt want to take a shower with him, i take one and then we go to bed but first we put a movie in and then it happens.... we start to kiss, i tell him that im un sure about this but he assures me its ok (his exact word were "can i have you?" i thought that was awesome). then we have sex for hours and hours... then sometime during or after one of the times he asks "can i keep you" and im like huh????? what do you mean by that?well basically he was asking me to be his... and i told him that thats not what i was looking for, i had recently gotten out of a long term relationship and was still kinda scarred from it. but i went for it anyways. he had me. and when im in a relationship they have all of me. well everything went awesome for the first week, he had a job, he stayed at my house everynight, we really didnt do much except love each other for that whole week straight. the only time we were apart really was when he went to work. but we went and visited my grandma and all kinds of stuff. it was really good, he didnt drink that much either. then the next week i stayed at his house most of the time and he drank a lil more than he had the week before but i really didnt think much of it. i fell in love and i fell hard. maybe it was all the promises and stuff that was made... i dont know. but whatever.... we continued that for another week after that (3 weeks so far incase ur lost), but this week i was getting more and more hurt, cause he would end up with his friends drinking all night and such which i dont have a problem with its just he told me that he would call and stuff then wouldnt when he said he would. thats the only thing that got me, i dont mind that ur out with ur friends all night , i dotn mind that you dont call , i hop eyou would but if it doesnt happen then it doesnt happen, UNLESS you tell me otherwise!!!! like that ur gunna call or ur gunna be at my house.... that sort of thing.... i guess he didnt understand that. he claimed that i was the best thing that ever happened to him and i ment the world to him.... he said the 3 most dangerous words that could be said "I LOVE YOU". and i know he ment it and i know nobody understands our relationship, we do love each other and we prolly always will. its just hes going through a lot of shit and maybe i do believe him when he says its only fair to me this way, and that he doesnt want to hurt me. i really do honestly love that boy! its just VERY complicated. then well we broke up for lack of better words... but technically we werent in a relationship but we were "together". then came the time where i fucked up... like majorly.... cause im stupid and yeah... well "the italian" adn i talked and he said i could do whatever i wanted but he wasnt gunna have sex with anyone else... well i started to have sex with matt again. and yeha i told "the italian". cause im an honest person. yeah cant say i shouldnt have done that because he had a right to know, but what i shouldnt have done is matt!!!! cause i do love him and reguardless of what he said i shouldnt have done that becasue it hurt him. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH ME HURTING THE PEOPLE I LOVE?!?!?!?! im stupid! then comes where i get pissed at him for hanging out with another girl. WTF? UMMMMMM he might have not done her! god nicole... dont be dumb! i dont know... now shit is just really fucked up between us and i dont like it.... i would be with him... btu i know that thats not gunna happen.... maybe i shouldnt have opened up to him last saturday and shown him the crazy depressed nicole, he thought i was gunna kill myself... nope nicole just was depressed... and needed to say the shit i said so i wouldnt actually do it ya know.... GOD I LOVE HIM AND IF ANYTHING CANT WE JUST BE FREINDS?!?!?!?!?! k well i already typed a butt load on just one guy so the rest will have to be continued....
i love you all and hope i didnt bore you that much!