shoot me
So yesterday ...that fun ....right until night time hit. I dont wanna hear told ya so , or sorry .None of those things will help.this is a really long entry.u want the whole story here is it. I have all emotions going at once.As you know I would never wake up early on a Saturday morning ....I only got 4 and 1/2 hrs of sleep ...that is abnormal but in this entry I will tell you why.....
Yesterday I went to school in a good mood and had a good day. Kenzie and I were excited about hanging out after school b/c she could drive with me legally. We left right after school , I kissed Brandon good-bye and he said "come by Spencers I want you to see my piercings." I said "Okay, We'll try"....i already knew i was gonna see him. I started realzing my heart was beating fast all day ....and i hadnt done anything streneous . Kenzie and I left. We stopped by my house .I went in my room to go my stuff and I go to my dresser tryin to find a papere couldnt find so I turn around to leave and I noticed Brandon's Sierra Mist is on the floor ...I dont know how it got there b/c I hadnt seen it at all in my room.I thought "That's weird" and left. She and I went to Burger King and then started driving around. She surprised me . She took me to Mission Beach, Belmont park (we took crazy pics and rode the roller coaster), then Ocean Beach, Point Loma ....sunset cliffs,then a drive around Fiesta Island. It was the best time I've ever had with her ...we were blasting music Faith Hill (our trademark) to Green Day in her car.We decided to stop by the mall to see Brandon . I get there and I instantly noticed something was differently but not sure. He talked to me then kinda ignored me. When he was giving me hugs .....they were completely different ...he was giving me a one sided arm hug....I said to myself "whatever ..hes just tired"...Kenzie and I decided to leave ...As we were leaving I was thinking to ask her if Brandon was acting different but never did. We left and then deliver Avon books for awhile until going to Club illusion b/c we wanted to go dancing. Later we get to the club ...got a lil boring ...Brandon called sounding depressed...We hang up and I told Kenzie we needed to leave and we did. I got to Brandon's and Kenz dropped me off to pick me up later.I knew something was wrong .....I knew he was lying....I was thinking in my head "Omg they talked again ....WTF....I can't take this anymore....i wish he would fucking just tell me" .. We lie down on his bed ...he pulls a blanket over and we begin to talk . I told him I knew something was wrong and he better tell me. He said "Nothing is wrong"...I said "dont lie..I hear it in ur voice"....He breathes out a long sigh.....I knew instantly what was happening ...He said "We need to go on a break...I need to get through my Senior year" .I said "So you want to go on a break for 9 months.....are you insane?" ....He said "I focus on you too much..I thought about u all last year and I think about you now" ..I said "then how are you going to focus ?" he said "I dont know"..seriously who the fuck says that to their gfs...After tryin to understand and not ...I just walked out the door...of course he followed me. I asked him more questions...just can't remember tham right now. I probably repeated some of them . I told him 9 months is a long time . I said "This happening again...I went through so much last year ....do you understand how hard that was for me." He said "you can date other people" I remember thinking "No i dont want to ....goddamn ...I wanna scream at Derek " yes i typed Derek . I said "I'm done ..I can't keep doing this ...you want a break and I'm wanting to break up now....I dont want this break...I can't wait that long i really wish i could ....it would be so hard"....He looked at me a lil shocked and said "You want to break up with me?"...I said "Yes I do ...I'm really sorry...but I just wouldnt be able to handle it".....He started crying and I couldnt keep it in anymore ...I started crying.He asked "Can i give you a hug?" i said "Yeah sure" He lean on me give me a big hug and I just stood there weakly...I didnt want to try b/c there was nothing to try for..I couldnt get him back. I called Kenzie to pick me up. She was on her way. I was shaking ...and it wasn't even cold outside. I sat down in the driveway and he sat there with me . He rubbed my back and wiped away my tears...I just let him be there ...I wanted him there ....I sat there talking and staring and tears coming down ....him wiping them away. I think I asked if there was anyone else..he said no .Kenz came ...i help him up ...He gave me a hug and I got in the car and said "Get the fuck out here"....she immediately asked "Are you sure?" I turn around and Brandon is right there looking sadly ....I didnt know what to do ...I was so upset...I weirdly wanted to comfort him but ..it doesnt make sense.As soon as we left I said " Omg now I'm gonna call Derek...i wanna scream at him for being right"....of course I called him...We went to straight for his house.i told him ...I got strangely hyper and nausea but i was sad at the same time..It was my adrenaline rush or something..Kenz and I hung out at Derek's from 11 to about 12 ...we had fun ...I felt like throwing up and junk but whatever.Kenzie drops me off at home...I was late and told my mom what happened. I went to bed but couldnt sleep so I called some people ..they were asleep .I called Brandon b/c i still had more questions "So is it 'her'? Is it someone else?....I dont want u to lie to me ...I'm gonna find out"..he said "no there isnt anyone else..I want to be alone"...I said "how come a couple days ago you said you couldnt be alone....how long have you been thinking about this?" he said "Today"...I didnt believe at all so he had to go to bed and we hung up.so I called Kenzie and I talked to her for 2 hours. We talked about how some of the stuff he said didnt make sense..then I decided she probably should go to bed ...We hung up ...I fell asleep after we hung up ...and I woke up at 6 ...and kept waking up ...I said fuck it at 7 and came on the computer....I'm nausea and I can't eat ....I dont wana cry all day......I just wanna go somewhere and walk .I can wait a couple weeks for him to put back on track but 9 months....its like breakin up, I've always loved him and I always will, I will be there for him and I hope he is for me (he says he'll be there for me) I'm ok with being friends, we'll see how it works out...I'm finishin a poem I started months ago ...other weird things happened...that pointed me to the break up ....i just had ignored them