(no subject)
I literally hate myself right now.
This stage of my life is just the worst I've ever been in. I can't keep a normal relationship with any of my friends, I'm still without a job (though I'm looking, and with my experience and schooling I'll be able to find a good one), I'm damn near broke, and I feel like I'm getting more bad looking as the days go along.
I just, I'm miserable. All my friends are happy, and most of them are in relationships. Nice long lasting relationships. I can't seem to do that, and it sure as hell isn't cause I'm a bad boyfriend. Just people tend to get bored with me and move on fairly quickly, and I haven't found that one person who is supposed to actually love me for me yet. I'm 22, and I'm not getting younger, so I'm fairly certain that I'm going to die alone. That's how I feel anyway.
My best friends are all kinda going their separate ways, and thats fine, theyre actually owning their own lives and growing up. I'm still living at home in a small bedroom with my cat and my dolls, sleeping on a bunkbed, wondering when the next episode of Drake and Josh is going to come on. I refuse to grow up because I've always been scared of change, and I've always sorta liked the idea of being a big kid forever. I realize though, that I can't just BE a big kid anymore.
I graduated high school. I went to college. But I didn't do much with the whole college thing, so I think I'll go back in the fall and study up on a few things, because apparently degrees go somewhere in this world now, the only thing is - I lack motivation because I'm the kind of guy who wants instant gratification, and I don't like having to work for things for too long.
I can't get motivated to lose weight either, yet I hate how I look. I'm not fat, I'm not skinny, but I just don't feel like I look right in my body. People always tell me that I'm cute or that I'm adorable, but that only takes you so far in nowadays world.
I think I'll feel alot better once I get a new job, or once I go back to my old job (because they're begging for me to come back) but that's just not happening for me quickly enough. I have someone from Circuit City supposed to call me back in the next few days to let me know if I got hired, because I already did my first interview and that went great. But who knows? I want money because I've sorta gotten involved in an expensive addictive hobby.. and no, I don't mean drugs. I want more and more and my happiness is lying all in how many I can own.
Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to just die. If it's quick or painless, or whether you suffer a whole bunch right before. I wonder if I'd be missed, if anyone would care? People always tell me they'd miss me, so I guess I believe them, and that's probably what's keeping me here. Because honestly, some mornings I'd find it easier to just point three guns in my mouth and at my temples and just pull all three triggers at once. I'm not really suicidal right now or anything, but I do have a hotline number next to my bed and in my cell phone just in case.
I'm confused about so many things right now. And I'm not sure when things are going to get better. I just hate living. I hate my own life. I hate myself, and I'm beginning to hate the world around me.
The only thing that makes me really super super happy nowadays is watching Joseph play his gameboy while he sits in my lap, or playing with him and Thomas and Rhiannon outside on their rollerblades, or watching them sleep. And yea, it's sorta sad when the people you care about the most in life haven't even hit puberty yet. I wouldn't change it for the world, but still, it make me wonder if there's something mentally wrong with me deep down or something.
I love all my friends to death.
I'm scared.