Chapter Two, "A Very Emotionally Charged Chapter"
Only Slightly Better Than the Last Book
Chapter 2, "A Very Emotionally Charged Chapter"
The next day was the first day that I was allowed to go back to school. Considering the fact that I'd missed a lot of class over the past two years on account of aliens, Learning Land had been pretty tolerant of my absences.
Everyone at school was very excited about the idea of graduating, which I guess could be awesome if viewed in the appropriate light. Me, though, I thought graduation was kind of boring. I mean, I basically live on my own and miss a lot of school already, who needs a crazy piece of paper telling me it's okay to not come to school anymore?
But the people I still spoke to at school (which consisted of Tabitha, because Jessica and Lexington hated my guts and I wasn't allowed to talk to Christopher and Hector 2.0) were all pretty jazzed about the concept of school ending. Xlormp and I sat down at a table with Tabitha, all of us holding our lunches in our hands, until we set them on the table and then sat our butts onto the chairs and then picked up forks and began to consume the food we had just placed on the table. Well, I say all of us. Xlormp had his llama intestines.
"So, Frig, it sure is nice that you're paying attention to me again!" Tabitha said.
Here's the thing about Tabitha. I used to hang out with her a lot when I was hanging out with everyone else a lot? And then I didn't hang out with her because I was busy hanging out with Xlormp. And then I started hanging out with her again because she wouldn't go away, but she had long since ceased wearing her name tag, so it took me a while to remember who she was. And then I remembered who she was and I decided it was okay if she ate lunch with me and Xlormp.
As we sat there chewing our respective foods, staring awkwardly at one another because it's always a bit befuddling for people when Xlormp is around, I noticed Christopher and Hector 2.0 sitting at a table on the other side of the room, and they were both shooting me angry glares. Glares that said, "Listen, Frig, we like you a lot and we are sad that you are hanging out with Tabitha instead of us."
Maybe Hector 2.0 was not feeling such complex human emotions, as he was a robot now, but that's beside the point.
All I could think about in my heart was how badly I wanted to be hanging out with Christopher and Hector 2.0, and not Tabitha. Tabitha was very nice and everything, I guess, as humans with no interesting secret identities go, but to tell you the truth, she was boring. Because she was a human with no secret identities.
"Frig, I was thinking how much it sucks that I am so behind in algebra that I might fail and not get to graduate," Tabitha spoke boringly whilst gazing longingly at her mashed potatoes.
"That's very interesting," I lied for the sake of conversation.
"I was thinking..." she said, thinkingly, "You are a very smart person and I am not. Would you help me with my algebra homework?"
I gazed at her soberingly. "I would, except it sounds really ridiculously boring."
Tabitha seemed a little upset. I couldn't fathom why. She said, "Oh."
Why wasn't Xlormp uttering anything with his delicious utterance makers? Why was he making me put up with listening to this insipient human female? Did he hate me that much? I turned to ask him for the eight kerjillionth time if he'd just get over it and let me hang out with Christopher and Hector 2.0, but that was right about the time that several other aliens showed up with their various disgusting consumables. Klaxie and Schmeertz (arriving with their girl-slaves Monica and Candy respectively) sat their alien butts on either side of Tabitha.
Tabitha appeared slightly wigged out, and I couldn't really blame her, considering that she was surrounded by completely scrumptious slime candy on every side. I don't know how she was keeping her hands to herself, to tell you the truth.
"So, Frigglesauce!" Klaxie crowed jovially, offering me a flipper to slap, "it's almost time for some super funky graduating, wouldn't you say?" He adjusted his tie, which bore the image of several lawn flamingos in quite a blinding pattern. Klaxie was the only Zmeephish-Quian I knew who actually liked Earth, and tried to fit in. The rest of them wanted to blow Earth up. I could understand that, because there are people like Jessica and Lexington on Earth.
I ignored Klaxie's insipid question regarding my imminent graduation. Instead, I turned to Xlormp in hopes of makeouts. But Xlormp did not return my lusty desires. He shunted my approaching lips and began speaking to Klaxie in native Zmeephish-Quian.
In case you're curious, native Zmeephish-Quian sounds a lot like the beeping noises the girl-slaves make. It's very likely the girl-slaves are actually saying words when they beep? But even if they are, they're probably only repeating what their alien masters just got finished saying. Anyway, I'd only heard Xlormp speak in native Zmeephish-Quian once, when he was very angry at Mr. Leader over something the rude alien said to me a couple months ago. But generally, the aliens do not speak it in public, as it would completely blow their cover and reveal them as aliens. And that would be stupid.
So it struck me as odd that Xlormp was being so utterly stupid right at this moment. And that Klaxie was going along with it. And that Schmeertz wasn't trying to saw my head in half or something (he's usually doing everything he can to kill me if we're in the same room). Something was up. I knew this on account of the strangeness of Xlormp and Klaxie speaking Zmeephish-Quian as plain as yogurt in front of the entire cafeteria. Tabitha appeared pretty dang nervous.
When they finally shut up, I was like, "Hey, Xlormp, is everything okay?" But he did not say a word to me. I turned to Klaxie, who also spoke no words. What the crap was going on?
I gave up and said, "Fine, Tabitha, I'll help you with your algebra, as long as you promise to converse with me in English."
Tabitha grinned a little. "I believe that is a promise I can make."
I glanced at Christopher, who was holding up a giant listening device, probably robotic and alien hunting in nature. Her face crumpled in anger to hear that I would visit another human but not her. If only Christopher sucked at algebra too, maybe...but she didn't. Christopher was awesome at algebra. And now my alien wasn't speaking to me.
Life blew chunks.
** ** **
The rest of the day went by with no alien communication. I felt as though I had been shoved in a vacuum, but it wasn't a normal vacuum, it was a vacuum that sucked up words and joy instead of dirt. And I'm lying, because it sucked up dirt, too. I got home in a totally pissy mood.
Xlormp hung out with me for an hour, not saying anything, just watching me. I did everything I could think of to get him to open his jaw and use his vocal chords or whatever aliens used to speak. I poked him. I prodded him. I hit him over the head with blunt and heavy objects. I shoved Lamp into his slime folds. I let Lou recite poetry for him. I even flashed him a couple of times, for old time's sake.
Nothing.
Then, out of nowhere, he said, "Hey, Frig, how would you like to go to a different galaxy this weekend?"
I dropped my arms down at my sides, for I had them raised in preparation to throw a pile of bricks on his head. The bricks, incidentally, clattered at my feet.
"I don't want to go to another galaxy with you if you're going to be all jerky and not talk to me even when I cause you bodily injury," I bitched.
"Frig, think about it. We could go to another galaxy and be all alone and not have to deal with anybody at all." Xlormp waggled a tentacle provocatively.
It seemed like a nice enough plan, but I was mad, damn it, and I wasn't going to take yes for an answer. Or give yes for an answer, rather.
"No. I hate that idea. That idea does not appeal to me in any way." For good measure, I threw a brick at his head and stuck my tongue out.
Xlormp caught the brick with a deft flipper maneuver. "Why not?" he asked in sincere confusion.
"Because you and Klaxie were talking about something, probably about me, and totally in another language, and you won't tell me what it is, and also it was a little too hot out today and we're out of orange juice, so I'm kind of in a pissy mood."
Xlormp nodded. "If I tell you what Klaxie and I spoke of in our conversation, will you go to another galaxy this weekend?"
I considered it. "Maybe."
"Well it doesn't matter anyway because that information is classified." He crossed his flippers threateningly.
I stamped on his foot flipper angrily.
He said "Ow" owingly.
"You can just leave, Xlormp, because I am upset with you and your ugly green face."
Xlormp gasped. I don't blame him. I don't think I'd ever called him ugly before. This was also a lie, because Xlormp's gorgeousosity surpassed even the most enchanting Greek god, possibly even Roman gods, maybe even a few Etruscan gods, if they were lucky. But I wanted to make a Point. And the Point was that Xlormp could kiss my delightfully shaped bottom, and not in the good way, either.
"Fine," the most amazing set of cells ever organized into a single being uttered precariously. "I have a meeting to go to anyway. But I shall return."
He was gone in a flash of light, teleporting to his spaceship. Seconds later, Lou crawled in, Larry the parrot squawking dangerously on his shoulder. "Have you seen my report, Lotion-face?" he asked.
I shook my head. "Maybe it's in the refrigerator?" I suggested dubiously.
Lou seemed to accept that suggestion, and crawled in the opposite direction as he was previously crawling in, for he now crawled in the direction of the refrigerator.
And in that moment I had an epiphany. Xlormp was gone and my room was open. I could go see the Haberdashes! Xlormp would never know, and if he did know, who crapping cares? He'd probably slap me a few times and get over it. It's not like I'd never been slapped before.
I raced to the cardboard garage, heart all a-flutter, prepared to enter my means of transport, a wagon made of plywood with fairy stickers all over it, by the name of Marcy.
But Marcy was not there when I entered. In her place, the alien known as Xlormp stood. He waved at me.
"What the hell, Xlormp!" I announced. "Where is Marcy?"
Xlormp shrugged shruggily, his approximate shoulders slumping generally upward. I looked a little closer...was that...on his lip? A glittery fairy sticker?
"Xlormp!" I shouted in an outpouring of fury, rapidly moving my legs for the purpose of approaching him quickly and in a menacing way. "Did you eat Marcy?"
Xlormp let out a disgusting space belch, and shook his head. "That would be nonsense and ridiculousness, Frig."
I slapped him.
"Hey!" he cried. "Why can you slap when I can't slap?" He slapped me.
"I hate you," I shouted with anger.
"Can I still come by tonight?" he pleaded pathetically, as I marched back to my room.
I had to turn around to shout "No" to him and slam my door best I could in the most dramatic fashion I could muster.
It didn't matter, because later that night, Xlormp climbed through my window anyway, since it lacked a pane of glass. I got over it pretty quickly once I was covered in slime.
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Chapter 2, "A Very Emotionally Charged Chapter"
The next day was the first day that I was allowed to go back to school. Considering the fact that I'd missed a lot of class over the past two years on account of aliens, Learning Land had been pretty tolerant of my absences.
Everyone at school was very excited about the idea of graduating, which I guess could be awesome if viewed in the appropriate light. Me, though, I thought graduation was kind of boring. I mean, I basically live on my own and miss a lot of school already, who needs a crazy piece of paper telling me it's okay to not come to school anymore?
But the people I still spoke to at school (which consisted of Tabitha, because Jessica and Lexington hated my guts and I wasn't allowed to talk to Christopher and Hector 2.0) were all pretty jazzed about the concept of school ending. Xlormp and I sat down at a table with Tabitha, all of us holding our lunches in our hands, until we set them on the table and then sat our butts onto the chairs and then picked up forks and began to consume the food we had just placed on the table. Well, I say all of us. Xlormp had his llama intestines.
"So, Frig, it sure is nice that you're paying attention to me again!" Tabitha said.
Here's the thing about Tabitha. I used to hang out with her a lot when I was hanging out with everyone else a lot? And then I didn't hang out with her because I was busy hanging out with Xlormp. And then I started hanging out with her again because she wouldn't go away, but she had long since ceased wearing her name tag, so it took me a while to remember who she was. And then I remembered who she was and I decided it was okay if she ate lunch with me and Xlormp.
As we sat there chewing our respective foods, staring awkwardly at one another because it's always a bit befuddling for people when Xlormp is around, I noticed Christopher and Hector 2.0 sitting at a table on the other side of the room, and they were both shooting me angry glares. Glares that said, "Listen, Frig, we like you a lot and we are sad that you are hanging out with Tabitha instead of us."
Maybe Hector 2.0 was not feeling such complex human emotions, as he was a robot now, but that's beside the point.
All I could think about in my heart was how badly I wanted to be hanging out with Christopher and Hector 2.0, and not Tabitha. Tabitha was very nice and everything, I guess, as humans with no interesting secret identities go, but to tell you the truth, she was boring. Because she was a human with no secret identities.
"Frig, I was thinking how much it sucks that I am so behind in algebra that I might fail and not get to graduate," Tabitha spoke boringly whilst gazing longingly at her mashed potatoes.
"That's very interesting," I lied for the sake of conversation.
"I was thinking..." she said, thinkingly, "You are a very smart person and I am not. Would you help me with my algebra homework?"
I gazed at her soberingly. "I would, except it sounds really ridiculously boring."
Tabitha seemed a little upset. I couldn't fathom why. She said, "Oh."
Why wasn't Xlormp uttering anything with his delicious utterance makers? Why was he making me put up with listening to this insipient human female? Did he hate me that much? I turned to ask him for the eight kerjillionth time if he'd just get over it and let me hang out with Christopher and Hector 2.0, but that was right about the time that several other aliens showed up with their various disgusting consumables. Klaxie and Schmeertz (arriving with their girl-slaves Monica and Candy respectively) sat their alien butts on either side of Tabitha.
Tabitha appeared slightly wigged out, and I couldn't really blame her, considering that she was surrounded by completely scrumptious slime candy on every side. I don't know how she was keeping her hands to herself, to tell you the truth.
"So, Frigglesauce!" Klaxie crowed jovially, offering me a flipper to slap, "it's almost time for some super funky graduating, wouldn't you say?" He adjusted his tie, which bore the image of several lawn flamingos in quite a blinding pattern. Klaxie was the only Zmeephish-Quian I knew who actually liked Earth, and tried to fit in. The rest of them wanted to blow Earth up. I could understand that, because there are people like Jessica and Lexington on Earth.
I ignored Klaxie's insipid question regarding my imminent graduation. Instead, I turned to Xlormp in hopes of makeouts. But Xlormp did not return my lusty desires. He shunted my approaching lips and began speaking to Klaxie in native Zmeephish-Quian.
In case you're curious, native Zmeephish-Quian sounds a lot like the beeping noises the girl-slaves make. It's very likely the girl-slaves are actually saying words when they beep? But even if they are, they're probably only repeating what their alien masters just got finished saying. Anyway, I'd only heard Xlormp speak in native Zmeephish-Quian once, when he was very angry at Mr. Leader over something the rude alien said to me a couple months ago. But generally, the aliens do not speak it in public, as it would completely blow their cover and reveal them as aliens. And that would be stupid.
So it struck me as odd that Xlormp was being so utterly stupid right at this moment. And that Klaxie was going along with it. And that Schmeertz wasn't trying to saw my head in half or something (he's usually doing everything he can to kill me if we're in the same room). Something was up. I knew this on account of the strangeness of Xlormp and Klaxie speaking Zmeephish-Quian as plain as yogurt in front of the entire cafeteria. Tabitha appeared pretty dang nervous.
When they finally shut up, I was like, "Hey, Xlormp, is everything okay?" But he did not say a word to me. I turned to Klaxie, who also spoke no words. What the crap was going on?
I gave up and said, "Fine, Tabitha, I'll help you with your algebra, as long as you promise to converse with me in English."
Tabitha grinned a little. "I believe that is a promise I can make."
I glanced at Christopher, who was holding up a giant listening device, probably robotic and alien hunting in nature. Her face crumpled in anger to hear that I would visit another human but not her. If only Christopher sucked at algebra too, maybe...but she didn't. Christopher was awesome at algebra. And now my alien wasn't speaking to me.
Life blew chunks.
** ** **
The rest of the day went by with no alien communication. I felt as though I had been shoved in a vacuum, but it wasn't a normal vacuum, it was a vacuum that sucked up words and joy instead of dirt. And I'm lying, because it sucked up dirt, too. I got home in a totally pissy mood.
Xlormp hung out with me for an hour, not saying anything, just watching me. I did everything I could think of to get him to open his jaw and use his vocal chords or whatever aliens used to speak. I poked him. I prodded him. I hit him over the head with blunt and heavy objects. I shoved Lamp into his slime folds. I let Lou recite poetry for him. I even flashed him a couple of times, for old time's sake.
Nothing.
Then, out of nowhere, he said, "Hey, Frig, how would you like to go to a different galaxy this weekend?"
I dropped my arms down at my sides, for I had them raised in preparation to throw a pile of bricks on his head. The bricks, incidentally, clattered at my feet.
"I don't want to go to another galaxy with you if you're going to be all jerky and not talk to me even when I cause you bodily injury," I bitched.
"Frig, think about it. We could go to another galaxy and be all alone and not have to deal with anybody at all." Xlormp waggled a tentacle provocatively.
It seemed like a nice enough plan, but I was mad, damn it, and I wasn't going to take yes for an answer. Or give yes for an answer, rather.
"No. I hate that idea. That idea does not appeal to me in any way." For good measure, I threw a brick at his head and stuck my tongue out.
Xlormp caught the brick with a deft flipper maneuver. "Why not?" he asked in sincere confusion.
"Because you and Klaxie were talking about something, probably about me, and totally in another language, and you won't tell me what it is, and also it was a little too hot out today and we're out of orange juice, so I'm kind of in a pissy mood."
Xlormp nodded. "If I tell you what Klaxie and I spoke of in our conversation, will you go to another galaxy this weekend?"
I considered it. "Maybe."
"Well it doesn't matter anyway because that information is classified." He crossed his flippers threateningly.
I stamped on his foot flipper angrily.
He said "Ow" owingly.
"You can just leave, Xlormp, because I am upset with you and your ugly green face."
Xlormp gasped. I don't blame him. I don't think I'd ever called him ugly before. This was also a lie, because Xlormp's gorgeousosity surpassed even the most enchanting Greek god, possibly even Roman gods, maybe even a few Etruscan gods, if they were lucky. But I wanted to make a Point. And the Point was that Xlormp could kiss my delightfully shaped bottom, and not in the good way, either.
"Fine," the most amazing set of cells ever organized into a single being uttered precariously. "I have a meeting to go to anyway. But I shall return."
He was gone in a flash of light, teleporting to his spaceship. Seconds later, Lou crawled in, Larry the parrot squawking dangerously on his shoulder. "Have you seen my report, Lotion-face?" he asked.
I shook my head. "Maybe it's in the refrigerator?" I suggested dubiously.
Lou seemed to accept that suggestion, and crawled in the opposite direction as he was previously crawling in, for he now crawled in the direction of the refrigerator.
And in that moment I had an epiphany. Xlormp was gone and my room was open. I could go see the Haberdashes! Xlormp would never know, and if he did know, who crapping cares? He'd probably slap me a few times and get over it. It's not like I'd never been slapped before.
I raced to the cardboard garage, heart all a-flutter, prepared to enter my means of transport, a wagon made of plywood with fairy stickers all over it, by the name of Marcy.
But Marcy was not there when I entered. In her place, the alien known as Xlormp stood. He waved at me.
"What the hell, Xlormp!" I announced. "Where is Marcy?"
Xlormp shrugged shruggily, his approximate shoulders slumping generally upward. I looked a little closer...was that...on his lip? A glittery fairy sticker?
"Xlormp!" I shouted in an outpouring of fury, rapidly moving my legs for the purpose of approaching him quickly and in a menacing way. "Did you eat Marcy?"
Xlormp let out a disgusting space belch, and shook his head. "That would be nonsense and ridiculousness, Frig."
I slapped him.
"Hey!" he cried. "Why can you slap when I can't slap?" He slapped me.
"I hate you," I shouted with anger.
"Can I still come by tonight?" he pleaded pathetically, as I marched back to my room.
I had to turn around to shout "No" to him and slam my door best I could in the most dramatic fashion I could muster.
It didn't matter, because later that night, Xlormp climbed through my window anyway, since it lacked a pane of glass. I got over it pretty quickly once I was covered in slime.
Do the Chapter List dance!