Chapter Ten, "Sadface"
The Most Incredible Work of Literature in the Entire Cosmos
Chapter 10, "Sadface"
CHRISTOPHER
Xlormp was kind enough to let me take Frig off to her bedroom to talk about The Plan. Granted, it was a plan full of more holes than a book by Louis Sachar, but I figured I'd take what I could get because when would I get a chance like this again? Frig would be a girl-slave before much longer, and then visiting her and attempting to make out with her would just be...depressing.
The more I looked at her now, I felt the weirdness radiating around me. She was starting to look like an alien, even. I'd imagine that had something to do with the liquid alien DNA floating around in her. I didn't think she looked disgusting or anything. Frig could never look disgusting if she tried. But she looked very...un-Frig.
I don't know. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. I mean, Xlormp would figure out pretty quickly that Frig wasn't actually pregnant. Or, you know, maybe he wouldn't, because he obviously thought that human pregnancy resulted in absolutely no change in outside appearance. Maybe he'd forget all about the fact that he'd let me "impregnate" her and it would just be a great night we could share together before I let her go forever. Yeah. That sounded good. The only thing I had to do first was convince her to get rid of the alien baby, which shouldn't be too hard because if I know my Frig at all, she doesn't really want to be a mother.
I looked up and realized that Frig was staring at me intently, watching as I thought through the scenario.
"Oh! Hi there," I waved at her. Damn it. So lame. Why am I so lame?
"Hi," Frig waved back. "What's going on? What did you and Xlormp talk about?"
I thought about that. "You know he's kind of a shallow and possessive jerk, right?" Which is not exactly what I meant to say, but I sort of couldn't help myself.
Frig rolled her eyes. "I'm pretty sure you didn't talk about what a jerk he is. Xlormp only calls himself a jerk when he accidentally breaks off one of my toes."
"What??" I screeched. Did he do that? When? Oh, I will so kill him. I will kill him eleven times.
"It's okay," Frig said. "The liquid alien baby DNA made it grow back!"
I stared at her. I couldn't believe we were having this discussion.
"I got six extra ones and a tail, actually."
"Frig," I interrupted her, not that I wasn't fascinated to hear about all of the nasty alienification her body was going through, "you don't really want to have this alien baby, do you?"
I watched her think about it. I waited patiently as her face went through a series of expressions, clearly trying to suss through the question. Eventually, a third eye popped up on the middle of her forehead.
"Ha! Would you look at that?" she crowed.
"Frig. Focus."
"Oh yeah." Her face fell a little. "The thing is, Christopher, at first I really didn't want to have the baby at all, because, come on, gross. But the longer it's in me...it's weird. It makes me feel all momly. Like a mom. And I mean, have you seen my tail?" She waggled her tail at me. I had to admit, the idea of having a tail provided some intriguing thoughts. But I shook them out of my head. If I couldn't convince her to get rid of the baby, the whole plan was useless, and I'd have lost Frig yet again to aliens. Freaking aliens. Then I had a thought.
"How do you know you even have a baby in you, Frig?" I asked. "Look at you. They filled you with alien liquid crap and now you're turning into an alien. Maybe you are the baby."
"That's ridiculous, Christopher. Feel." She grabbed my hand and placed it on her belly. I tried not to spasm with joy. I don't think I've ever touched her belly before. But I didn't have time to, because I felt it. I felt the baby in Frig's belly. I felt the shove of something...a leg? A tentacle? Definitely not just gas from a bad bowl of chili.
I looked up at Frig and she smiled back at me. It was kind of creepy. I'd never seen Frig smile that way. She looked genuinely happy.
Or maybe it was just the dang extra eye on her forehead. Maybe that's what made her look so different. Who knows.
"You felt it, didn't you?" Frig asked. She was even speaking differently. She was speaking as if she gave a crap about things. About this thing.
I felt tears sting my eyes. Not just for me, but because I really had no idea what would happen to Frig if she had this baby. Would she become a full-fledged Zmeephish-Quian? Would it transform her in such a way that she would never come back? Maybe it was too late, even if we could convince her to get rid of it, the DNA had already ingrained itself into her system too far.
I didn't want that. Being a girl-slave was one thing. At least she was still human. But being an alien? That's just not supposed to happen. It doesn't happen! And the really shitty thing is that it looked like she may actually be a better alien than she was a person.
I yanked my hand away from her stomach and shook my head. When I looked back up at her, her new alien parts clouded my vision until they were all I could see.
"I'm afraid you'll lose yourself if you go through with it," I choked out.
Frig appeared concerned. "Christopher, I know Xlormp doesn't want me looking all gross. But the thing is, it's making me sad that he thinks that. I just want us all to be happy. Sure, I would like to stay hot forever, but..."
But what? She didn't finish her but. She left a dangling but.
"Frig, get rid of the baby and be with me," I found myself blurting.
Frig laughed. She laughed. "What?"
"Xlormp said he'd rather you be with me than have this baby. And the truth is...I don't know what it's going to do to you, and I think this may be the only chance we'd get to be together. You can get rid of it and we can share something magical and then you can be with your stupid alien, and I won't say another word about it."
As soon as I said it, I knew I shouldn't have. Frig's face crumpled. "You...want me to get rid of it, too?"
Shit. Why do I always say the wrong thing?
"I thought you were my friend," she said weakly. "I thought you cared about me."
"I do care about you, Frig! That's why I'm so scared for you to have an alien baby! We don't know what will happen!"
"This alien baby is the only thing I've ever really given a crap about that isn't myself!" she cried. I saw tears fill her eyes, too. All three of them. "Do you know what that's like? I've never felt that way before! It's...weird! But also kind of nice. I think I like it!" Her voice grew small. "I don't want you guys to take it away from me."
In all honesty, this was getting a little weird. I never expected to see Frig this way. I knew we couldn't be together, not really, but this was like watching your life through a filter that made everything look slanted and blurry. Or maybe that was just me crying.
"Okay. Have the thing. Have it. But don't expect me to be there to hold your hand and watch you turn into an alien. I can't. I can't do that."
Frig sniffed. "I think I want you to go now," she whispered.
I felt horrible. I don't know why I couldn't just keep my mouth shut. Why did I let Xlormp talk me into trying to talk her into something so obviously stupid? Fun, yes. But clearly stupid. I guess I didn't know her like I thought I did. Or rather, I did know her. But that Frig, the one I knew, was gone.
** ** **
Chapter List
So apparently my Alphasmart will turn on, but only if I hook it up to a computer first. Then I can unhook it and type, but if it turns off or I turn it off, I can't turn it back on without the help of a computer. CRAZY. At least it still works! Huzzah!
Chapter 10, "Sadface"
CHRISTOPHER
Xlormp was kind enough to let me take Frig off to her bedroom to talk about The Plan. Granted, it was a plan full of more holes than a book by Louis Sachar, but I figured I'd take what I could get because when would I get a chance like this again? Frig would be a girl-slave before much longer, and then visiting her and attempting to make out with her would just be...depressing.
The more I looked at her now, I felt the weirdness radiating around me. She was starting to look like an alien, even. I'd imagine that had something to do with the liquid alien DNA floating around in her. I didn't think she looked disgusting or anything. Frig could never look disgusting if she tried. But she looked very...un-Frig.
I don't know. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. I mean, Xlormp would figure out pretty quickly that Frig wasn't actually pregnant. Or, you know, maybe he wouldn't, because he obviously thought that human pregnancy resulted in absolutely no change in outside appearance. Maybe he'd forget all about the fact that he'd let me "impregnate" her and it would just be a great night we could share together before I let her go forever. Yeah. That sounded good. The only thing I had to do first was convince her to get rid of the alien baby, which shouldn't be too hard because if I know my Frig at all, she doesn't really want to be a mother.
I looked up and realized that Frig was staring at me intently, watching as I thought through the scenario.
"Oh! Hi there," I waved at her. Damn it. So lame. Why am I so lame?
"Hi," Frig waved back. "What's going on? What did you and Xlormp talk about?"
I thought about that. "You know he's kind of a shallow and possessive jerk, right?" Which is not exactly what I meant to say, but I sort of couldn't help myself.
Frig rolled her eyes. "I'm pretty sure you didn't talk about what a jerk he is. Xlormp only calls himself a jerk when he accidentally breaks off one of my toes."
"What??" I screeched. Did he do that? When? Oh, I will so kill him. I will kill him eleven times.
"It's okay," Frig said. "The liquid alien baby DNA made it grow back!"
I stared at her. I couldn't believe we were having this discussion.
"I got six extra ones and a tail, actually."
"Frig," I interrupted her, not that I wasn't fascinated to hear about all of the nasty alienification her body was going through, "you don't really want to have this alien baby, do you?"
I watched her think about it. I waited patiently as her face went through a series of expressions, clearly trying to suss through the question. Eventually, a third eye popped up on the middle of her forehead.
"Ha! Would you look at that?" she crowed.
"Frig. Focus."
"Oh yeah." Her face fell a little. "The thing is, Christopher, at first I really didn't want to have the baby at all, because, come on, gross. But the longer it's in me...it's weird. It makes me feel all momly. Like a mom. And I mean, have you seen my tail?" She waggled her tail at me. I had to admit, the idea of having a tail provided some intriguing thoughts. But I shook them out of my head. If I couldn't convince her to get rid of the baby, the whole plan was useless, and I'd have lost Frig yet again to aliens. Freaking aliens. Then I had a thought.
"How do you know you even have a baby in you, Frig?" I asked. "Look at you. They filled you with alien liquid crap and now you're turning into an alien. Maybe you are the baby."
"That's ridiculous, Christopher. Feel." She grabbed my hand and placed it on her belly. I tried not to spasm with joy. I don't think I've ever touched her belly before. But I didn't have time to, because I felt it. I felt the baby in Frig's belly. I felt the shove of something...a leg? A tentacle? Definitely not just gas from a bad bowl of chili.
I looked up at Frig and she smiled back at me. It was kind of creepy. I'd never seen Frig smile that way. She looked genuinely happy.
Or maybe it was just the dang extra eye on her forehead. Maybe that's what made her look so different. Who knows.
"You felt it, didn't you?" Frig asked. She was even speaking differently. She was speaking as if she gave a crap about things. About this thing.
I felt tears sting my eyes. Not just for me, but because I really had no idea what would happen to Frig if she had this baby. Would she become a full-fledged Zmeephish-Quian? Would it transform her in such a way that she would never come back? Maybe it was too late, even if we could convince her to get rid of it, the DNA had already ingrained itself into her system too far.
I didn't want that. Being a girl-slave was one thing. At least she was still human. But being an alien? That's just not supposed to happen. It doesn't happen! And the really shitty thing is that it looked like she may actually be a better alien than she was a person.
I yanked my hand away from her stomach and shook my head. When I looked back up at her, her new alien parts clouded my vision until they were all I could see.
"I'm afraid you'll lose yourself if you go through with it," I choked out.
Frig appeared concerned. "Christopher, I know Xlormp doesn't want me looking all gross. But the thing is, it's making me sad that he thinks that. I just want us all to be happy. Sure, I would like to stay hot forever, but..."
But what? She didn't finish her but. She left a dangling but.
"Frig, get rid of the baby and be with me," I found myself blurting.
Frig laughed. She laughed. "What?"
"Xlormp said he'd rather you be with me than have this baby. And the truth is...I don't know what it's going to do to you, and I think this may be the only chance we'd get to be together. You can get rid of it and we can share something magical and then you can be with your stupid alien, and I won't say another word about it."
As soon as I said it, I knew I shouldn't have. Frig's face crumpled. "You...want me to get rid of it, too?"
Shit. Why do I always say the wrong thing?
"I thought you were my friend," she said weakly. "I thought you cared about me."
"I do care about you, Frig! That's why I'm so scared for you to have an alien baby! We don't know what will happen!"
"This alien baby is the only thing I've ever really given a crap about that isn't myself!" she cried. I saw tears fill her eyes, too. All three of them. "Do you know what that's like? I've never felt that way before! It's...weird! But also kind of nice. I think I like it!" Her voice grew small. "I don't want you guys to take it away from me."
In all honesty, this was getting a little weird. I never expected to see Frig this way. I knew we couldn't be together, not really, but this was like watching your life through a filter that made everything look slanted and blurry. Or maybe that was just me crying.
"Okay. Have the thing. Have it. But don't expect me to be there to hold your hand and watch you turn into an alien. I can't. I can't do that."
Frig sniffed. "I think I want you to go now," she whispered.
I felt horrible. I don't know why I couldn't just keep my mouth shut. Why did I let Xlormp talk me into trying to talk her into something so obviously stupid? Fun, yes. But clearly stupid. I guess I didn't know her like I thought I did. Or rather, I did know her. But that Frig, the one I knew, was gone.
** ** **
Chapter List
So apparently my Alphasmart will turn on, but only if I hook it up to a computer first. Then I can unhook it and type, but if it turns off or I turn it off, I can't turn it back on without the help of a computer. CRAZY. At least it still works! Huzzah!