Ryan Christopher Fowler
Almost everything I do, I do it with Ryan subconsciously in my mind. I almost cut my hair short and dyed it dark because I know he likes it that way. I'm scared to live without him entwined somehow. Now that I think back, I can't even remember what my life was like without him. I have become accustomed to revolving my life around him. Where would I be without him? I would probably still be immature and scared to talk to guys. By all means, I'm still scared to talk to guys, but it's now because I'm scared that they'll break my heart, not because I just think they're cute.
How did I let one person influence me so much? I was going to try drugs because I thought that would make him love me again. I got into most of the music I listen to now because he liked it. He has controlled my life so much. I have become a zombie.
"Do you realize that I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you?"
"Can't say I realized it."
"Well get with the program. We're Ryan and Sarah. We're timeless."
When he says things like that it makes it hard for me to believe him even though I want it to be the truth. He says all those things then it's like it gets old for him after about a week. We have a tendency that when I want to be with him he doesn't care and when he wants to be with me I'm not interested. How did I manage to love someone that is so far away? Did I not get the memo that long distance relationships don't work? Yeah, people say they work if you care enough and try, but I cared and tried and nothing worked. I couldn't save us so why keep trying?
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I thought I was all settled with not getting attached to Ryan again because he has only caused me problems, but now I don't know how to feel. It's so hard to push someone away that you have given so much for.