(no subject)
What the fuck happened to livejournal.
Anyways.
But I've been slowly falling apart ever I came back to College Park for spring semester even though it shouldn't be called spring semester because it's cold and miserable and windy, which also makes things just that much shittier.
I've been gradually realizing that I hyped up last semester when talking about it with my friends over break. I thought it was some of the best times of my life and I loved my floor to death and I didn't know what I would do without them. The situation is still the same, I still don't know what to do without them, even though nowadays, it feels like they aren't always around anymore. But I guess the opinion and words of one person changed my view of the last semester altogether.
Fall semester was great because we were new, fresh, had a lot of alcohol on hand (how the fuck did we get that so often idek), and we were just all excited and happy to be here away from home and surrounded by people who shared that same feeling. But when I realized that one of my closest friends and the people I care about would rather be at home, that he thought fall semester really wasn't that great, made me feel about 80 different things and all 80 sucked.
It's as if I was not good enough to make fall semester more fun, more enjoyable. I put that on myself because he made my fall semester so much better than it would have been. My parallel universe fall semester would have consisted of struggling to maintain a dying long distance relationship with someone that probably subconsciously needed me only when I needed him; and after meeting my floormates, I didn't need him as much as he wanted me to.
Self-worth and self confidence is really hard to build. I can't really do it. At all. Being here tears it down. I don't think anyone is doing it intentionally, but everyone, every little thing just adds weight to my already-crumbling insides and it just collapses over and over again. I keep saying I want to go home on weekends and run away and not have to deal with being in an environment where I just consistently worry about if everyone else is happy to be here. I thought I was happy to be here, but it's probably just because the memories are clear as day and I enjoy being where those memories were made, with really silly hopes that there will be more. But it's been a few weeks and nothing has really come close, because the dynamics have changed and people just don't want to be here anymore.
And I'm here, left alone trying to rebuild my idea of self-worth, which has gone up and down ever since last spring. Mostly down. Mostly nose-diving down. The funny thing is, I'd rather be left alone trying to rebuild rather than have someone help me. Because I don't want to be another burden, another unhappy, mopey factor that comes with life at H7 when people are so unsatisfied already.
And where there are those rare moments that everyone is elated and happy and woo #terpnation, I always feel like I'm outside watching in. I haven't felt a part of it in a long time. I keep blocking myself out. Says the Ikea monkey "we accept the love we think we deserve."
I wish I could stop worrying about everyone. I don't worry about myself, my health, my emotions, my self-confidence. Everything is about everyone else, because my environment is made out of everyone else, and the only "my" thing I care about is my location. Last night I got yelled at for being too worried about something trivial. Then I felt bad for getting upset over it. I feel guilt for being sad, for being upset and miserable here.
I used to tell my friend, repeatedly, every weekend, that no matter what I would have no regrets of anything that happens here at College Park. I take back that statement. I regret a lot, mostly because I can barely handle how it feels to be here right now. We just beat Duke in an incredible game, and I experienced the best 2+ hours possible standing there going insane third row Comcast, but that did nothing for me. I want to be happy here again. Hell, I want to be content here again.
I don't even know ho to fix that, Because I don't know how to fix people. I try to fix someone and I just end up making them angry and making myself upset.
Anyways.
But I've been slowly falling apart ever I came back to College Park for spring semester even though it shouldn't be called spring semester because it's cold and miserable and windy, which also makes things just that much shittier.
I've been gradually realizing that I hyped up last semester when talking about it with my friends over break. I thought it was some of the best times of my life and I loved my floor to death and I didn't know what I would do without them. The situation is still the same, I still don't know what to do without them, even though nowadays, it feels like they aren't always around anymore. But I guess the opinion and words of one person changed my view of the last semester altogether.
Fall semester was great because we were new, fresh, had a lot of alcohol on hand (how the fuck did we get that so often idek), and we were just all excited and happy to be here away from home and surrounded by people who shared that same feeling. But when I realized that one of my closest friends and the people I care about would rather be at home, that he thought fall semester really wasn't that great, made me feel about 80 different things and all 80 sucked.
It's as if I was not good enough to make fall semester more fun, more enjoyable. I put that on myself because he made my fall semester so much better than it would have been. My parallel universe fall semester would have consisted of struggling to maintain a dying long distance relationship with someone that probably subconsciously needed me only when I needed him; and after meeting my floormates, I didn't need him as much as he wanted me to.
Self-worth and self confidence is really hard to build. I can't really do it. At all. Being here tears it down. I don't think anyone is doing it intentionally, but everyone, every little thing just adds weight to my already-crumbling insides and it just collapses over and over again. I keep saying I want to go home on weekends and run away and not have to deal with being in an environment where I just consistently worry about if everyone else is happy to be here. I thought I was happy to be here, but it's probably just because the memories are clear as day and I enjoy being where those memories were made, with really silly hopes that there will be more. But it's been a few weeks and nothing has really come close, because the dynamics have changed and people just don't want to be here anymore.
And I'm here, left alone trying to rebuild my idea of self-worth, which has gone up and down ever since last spring. Mostly down. Mostly nose-diving down. The funny thing is, I'd rather be left alone trying to rebuild rather than have someone help me. Because I don't want to be another burden, another unhappy, mopey factor that comes with life at H7 when people are so unsatisfied already.
And where there are those rare moments that everyone is elated and happy and woo #terpnation, I always feel like I'm outside watching in. I haven't felt a part of it in a long time. I keep blocking myself out. Says the Ikea monkey "we accept the love we think we deserve."
I wish I could stop worrying about everyone. I don't worry about myself, my health, my emotions, my self-confidence. Everything is about everyone else, because my environment is made out of everyone else, and the only "my" thing I care about is my location. Last night I got yelled at for being too worried about something trivial. Then I felt bad for getting upset over it. I feel guilt for being sad, for being upset and miserable here.
I used to tell my friend, repeatedly, every weekend, that no matter what I would have no regrets of anything that happens here at College Park. I take back that statement. I regret a lot, mostly because I can barely handle how it feels to be here right now. We just beat Duke in an incredible game, and I experienced the best 2+ hours possible standing there going insane third row Comcast, but that did nothing for me. I want to be happy here again. Hell, I want to be content here again.
I don't even know ho to fix that, Because I don't know how to fix people. I try to fix someone and I just end up making them angry and making myself upset.