Finding You Chapter 36
Title: Finding You
Chapters: 36/?
Pairing: HyukHae, Past!Kihae
Disclaimer: I don’t own them, only the weird plot.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: ohoho, trust me you don’t want me to summarize this. You’re all probably going to kill me
Note: This is written from Donghae’s point of view.
Donghae’s P.O.V.
RING
The shrill sound cut through the silence, causing both myself and Kibum to jump.
RING
We both looked over at the phone causing the offensive noise, lying above crumpled sheets.
RING
I reached a shaky hand out towards the phone, but I couldn’t pick it up. I looked over at Kibum silently praying he would answer it for me.
RING
He took the phone and pressed the talk button.
“Hello?” he said into the mouth piece and I watched him intently trying to guess who the caller was. I wanted desperately for it to be Hyukjae but I knew in my heart that it wasn’t him.
“Donghae?” Kibum said looking over at me and I shook my head ‘no’ I don’t know why I did it, I just knew I couldn’t take that call.
“He can’t come to the phone right now” Kibum continued.
Then there was silence and I watched as Kibum’s face shifted into a pained expression.
“When?” Kibum desperately asked not meeting my eyes. Something was wrong.
My heart was beating a million miles an hour as I watched Kibum mumble into the receiver quickly. Why couldn’t I hear what he was saying? And why did my heart hurt so much?
“W-what Hospital?” Kibum asked and my heart stopped beating. Hospital?
I started shaking my head violently. No, no Hospitals. I felt the tears burn my eyes as they flooded down my cheeks.
“We’ll be there as soon as we can” Kibum said and then hung up the phone.
He looked into my eyes, silently pleading me to listen but I just continued to shake my head. I didn’t want to hear this, I couldn’t hear this.
“Hae” Kibum started to talk but I cut him off
“NO” I yelled. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Hyukjae…he…” Kibum started talking completely ignoring the fact that I had yelled at him, and the fact that I was violently shaking my head.
“P-p-please d-don’t” I begged.
“Hae” Kibum called me again, putting his hands on my cheeks so I couldn’t shake my head any more.
He was silent for a moment, just looking into my eyes. This was bad. I could feel the sadness eradiating off of Kibum. If Kibum could feel this bad than I didn’t want to know what he was going to say.
I let my tears fall out more as I looked into Kibum’s eyes deeper. I was begging him not to speak; silently pleading for him to spear my life because I knew the next words that left Kibum’s lips would end my life. I couldn’t survive another person leaving me; I couldn’t survive if Hyukjae was gone.
Thinking those words, thinking that Hyukjae was gone made my vision go blurry, made the edges of my vision go black. I shut my eyes tight as I felt the world around me spinning, it was sickening. I felt like I was going to throw up.
“Hae” Kibum called my name but it sounded so far away. I slowly opened my eyes but all I could see was a foggy figure sitting in front of me.
“Hae” he called again but it sounded farther away. My vision got darker, and my head felt lighter. I felt like I was drowning, every breath I drew felt like knifes scraping against my lungs, slicing into the flesh and letting the blood pool into them. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. I didn’t want to hear his words but I couldn’t ignore them. Something was very wrong.
“Hae…” Kibum started to talk again and I tried my hardest to hear him out. I wanted nothing more than to run away, but I stayed, I stayed for Hyukjae.
“Hyukjae was in an accident” Kibum said. Accident? Did I hear him right? What accident? Where? When?
I wanted to voice all these questions out but I couldn’t. My voice was trapped in my body, refusing to let itself be heard.
Kibum knew me too well, knew that I wanted more information but knew I couldn’t ask for it. So he continued to speak
“He was in a car accident” he said. Car accident? I asked in my head.
“He’s at the Hospital now…they’re taking him into surgery” he continued. Surgery? How badly is he hurt?
“I don’t know” he answered my silent question “but I think we should go see him” Kibum suggested.
I nodded my head. I wanted to see him, no, I needed to see him. I needed to see how badly he was hurt, how much pain he was in. I needed to know if he’d make it.
The thought felt like poison in my head. If Hyukjae didn’t survive…I….I couldn’t finish my thought because if I did I was going to pass out.
All the pain in my heart held me down onto the bed. I wanted to get up, I wanted to run all the way to the Hospital but I just couldn’t move. I was stuck. Gravity had increased; it held me down, crushing me with its unrelenting pressure. I needed to get to Hyukjae but I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe.
Kibum must have noticed my incapability to move because the next thing I felt was Kibum’s strong arms wrapping around me and lifting me up bridal style. I let my head rest on his shoulder as he carried me down the stairs. I tightened my grip on him when he opened the front door.
The outside world matched the way I felt inside. It was dark, cold, and rainy. I hated the rain, nothing good ever happened when I rained. My father died on a rainy day. I felt the tears fall out my eyes faster if that was even possible. Kibum’s mother died on a rainy day, she was like a second mother to me. My eyes burned as the tears flowed out uncontrollably. Kibum had left on a rainy day. I tightened my hold on Kibum’s neck needing to feel his presence, needing to know he was still there, that he wouldn’t disappear.
Kibum took the first step out into the rain and as it hit my skin it felt like little razor blades cutting across my skin. The rain was trying to mar me with bruises and pain that could only be felt on the inside. It was trying to break me down, to add to my misery. It was working. Nothing good ever happened when it rained.
“I hate the rain” I said, I wasn’t even sure how I could speak. I wasn’t even sure who I was talking to.
“I know” came Kibum’s reply. It wasn’t comforting, it wasn’t anything, it was only words. Empty words that held no meaning to me, nothing held meaning anymore, not until I knew Hyukjae would be alright.
Kibum placed me into his car. My suit was faintly wet, but I couldn’t care, how could I care about something as trivial as clothing? But I had to think about something other than Hyukjae. I had to pull my mind away from the images of Hyukjae’s bloody body being pulled out of a crushed car by complete strangers. I shuddered at the thought. I had to think of something else, or I was going to puke.
“Nothing good happens when it rains” I said, again not knowing where this voice was coming from. It didn’t sound like my voice, when I spoke it didn’t feel like I was the one speaking.
“I know” Kibum said again.
I looked out the window, but the rain pelting against the glass made a horrible sound. It was like the rain was trying to break through the glass, like it would stop at nothing just to drench me in water, to freeze me to my very core. Even if it succeeded it wouldn’t matter, I couldn’t add to my pain, it could only make my outside appearance match my inside one.
I would flinch every time I heard the windshield wipers swish across the glass. I had never noticed how incessantly annoying the sound was, I wondered if Hyukjae hated the sound too. But my mind only pictured windshield wipers dragging across broken glass as an unconscious bloody Hyukjae lie motionless in the driver seat.
I opened and closed my eyes slowly trying to push the images out of my head but it didn’t work. When I closed my eyes all I could see was Hyukjae’s bloody body incased in twisted metal and shredded fabric, and when I opened my eyes all I could see was the taunting rain, teasing me with its incessant noise like little bullets hitting glass.
The car ride was long, too long. The world seemed to be moving in slow motion. I thought the world spun at an alarmingly fast rate, yet here we were in a small car seemingly at a standstill.
I felt my heartbeat getting weaker and weaker as the car drove on. I drew ragged breathes as we crept closer to the hospital. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t do anything but silently panic. And then I felt a hand. A warm hand that wrapped its fingers around my cold one and I stared at the linked hands, it almost felt like Hyukjae’s hand.
I squeeze Kibum’s hand, testing the reaction. Kibum squeezed back, that’s what Hyukjae would have done but Hyukjae wasn’t here. This wasn’t Hyukjae’s hand. I pulled away from the comfort and wrapped my arms around my chest. Hyukjae wasn’t here, he was in the Hospital. He was probably being cut open as Doctors tried to save his life. Would there be tons of blood? Would there be metal embedded in his skin? Would they have to cut him open? Would he survive?
All these thoughts were plaguing my brain. They were trying to drag me under, trying to send me to the darkness. All this uncertainty had my lungs working over time, just so I could get enough oxygen into my system. But if Hyukjae didn’t live did I really want to breathe?
I pushed those thought out of my head. I couldn’t think like that, I had people who cared about me, and I didn’t even know Hyukjae’s condition. He could be fine. I could just be over reacting. This could all just be a misunderstanding. Maybe when I walk into the Hospital I’ll find Hyukjae in his bed with barley a scratch on him. In my heart I knew that wasn’t the case, but I had to hold onto that hope because if I didn’t I would drown in all the horrible scenarios my mind was creating.
“Were here” Kibum said pulling me from my thoughts.
I looked over to him and then out the window. We were in the Hospital parking lot. I looked out and saw all the cars, all these people who had loved ones in this damned place. No one ever left the Hospital alive, at least that had been my experience. I hated Hospitals.
Kibum opened his door and stepped out and somehow I fallowed his actions. I walked behind him as we got drenched by the falling rain; he was leading the way to the front doors and I blindly fallowed after him.
Once we reached the doors my body stopped, I couldn’t bring myself to enter the Hospital. Couldn’t this all be one bad joke? Couldn’t Hyukjae just jump out of the bushes and yell “Surprise. You’re such an idiot for falling for this”?
I knew this wasn’t a joke. I knew that this was my reality and that I needed to face it but my body wouldn’t allow it. All I could do was stand there and let the rain wash away my tears. I stood there for so long I could feel the water all around me, I was soaking wet.
I didn’t even notice Kibum standing next to me equally wet until he spoke “You need to go inside before you make yourself sick”
“I can’t” I admitted with all honesty, my voice cracking and sounding very foreign to my ears.
“I know” He said but he took my hand and pulled me through the doors. The Hospital was warm but I still felt cold on the inside. The drenched suit that cling to my body didn’t help my breathing either, I felt like I was having a panic attack. I drew in short and quick breathes as we approached to information desk. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to be spending my prom night in the E.R. but here I was.
I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t even hear anything Kibum was saying to the woman who sat behind the desk. All I could do was stand there and feel the water dripping over my cold skin.
Kibum took my hand again and led me to a waiting area. He coaxed me to sit down and I just stared at my lap. I felt cold externally and internally but it didn’t matter, all that mattered was how Hyukjae was doing.
“Hyukjae?” I asked not bothering to look up from my lap.
“He’s still in surgery” a voice said, it didn’t sound like Kibum but I didn’t care. How could I care when Hyukjae’s life was on the line.
“It’s going to be okay” another voice said, I’m not even sure if it was the same voice. I didn’t look up, I don’t make any acknowledgement that I had heard the words. Words couldn’t reach me, no words would be able to reach me unless those words were “Hyukjae is fine” and all I could do was sit there in silence listening to the shrilling cry of the wind from outside, the sniffling of sadness in the waiting room and my internal prayers. I really hate Hospital.
I felt someone touch my shoulder and I flinched, I couldn’t take peoples comforts, not now, not when this was my fault. Yes this was my fault. Hyukjae never would have been driving if it wasn’t for my incessant insistence that we go to prom. He wouldn’t be lying somewhere in this god forsaken place if it wasn’t for me. Why didn’t I realize it sooner? When it started to rain I should have told Hyukjae not to come, I should have known.
“This is my fault” I said out loud, but as soon as the words left my lips the reality of those words hit me. I started to shake violently because of my tears “this is my fault” I said again. I was the reason Hyukjae was in this Hospital, I cause Hyukjae’s pain.
“No it isn’t” Said a voice
“How could you think that” another voice said and I felt as people tried to touch and calm me down but I didn’t want that. I flinched away from every prying hand, from every comforting gesture. I didn’t deserve their sympathy, their comfort because I was a monster.
“Don’t” I heard a familiar voice say, I think it was Kibum “Just leave him”
I pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapped my arms around my legs and buried my head between them. I wanted to disappear. I wanted the floor to open up and drag me straight to hell, because that’s what I deserved.
“You’re both soaking wet” I heard a voice say but I couldn’t care about that, not when Hyukjae was in the Hospital and I was the reason behind it.
“I’ll go see if they have an extra pain of clothes for you two” said a voice I’ve never heard before, at least I think I’d never heard it before but I couldn’t be certain.
I sat there for what felt like an eternity, I couldn’t breathe and I had to suck in sharp breathes just for the oxygen to reach my lungs. I felt like I was drowning.
I moved my hands up to my hair and ran them shakily through it. It was damp and cold but I couldn’t care less, I pulled at the roots wanting to feel physical pain, needing to feel the pain just to know I wasn’t in some horrible nightmare.
“Hae?” I heard a voice call but I ignored it and moved my hands to my face. I tried to scrub away the tears but they kept on falling. I moved my hands to my neck and scratched at it trying to loosen the collar. Was this room getting smaller?
“Hae?” I heard a voice say again and like I had earlier I ignored it. My clothes suddenly felt too tight.
I tried to take off the jacket but it clung to my body like it was some sort of sick joke. You can’t run away from this it was saying.
I gave out a shaky sigh as I gave up trying to pry the offensive material off my body. “just let it drown you” “This is your fault” “your fault” “You’re a monster” “You don’t deserve happiness” I could hear voices surrounding me, taunting, teasing and pulling at my sanity like it was a string that could easily break at any moment. I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t sit here. I didn’t deserve to be around people who loved Hyukjae, not when I was the one who put Hyukjae in the Hospital.
“Donghae?” I heard multiple people ask but I didn’t care, I had to get out of here.
“I can’t do this” I said and stood up and made a run for the door. I wouldn’t burden them with my presence anymore. I wasn’t worth their pity.
I ran out into the rain ignoring their calls. I wasn’t worth their pity. I wasn’t worth anything.
~~~
Okay NOW do you want to kill me? Of course you do :D I’m evil. Mwahahahaha
Just in case you wanted to know, no I was not having a bad day and decided to put Hyukjae in the Hospital. Ever since I started to write this fic I knew he would end up there. IS it shocking? I wanted it to be a total surprise, because I’m evil XD
I accept all comments, even death threats XD