(no subject)
There's a soft knock at Padraig's door, as Amara stands on the other side. The sun is still rather high in the sky, but her glasses are now in her hand. Since, you know, she hopefully isn't going to be out there long. She's back to wearing her leather pants, but the trench is no where to be seen.
"Come in!" Padraig's currently frowning over a copy of his plan, switching people around and trying to find a way to involve the people he feels are the most effective without it being too obvious. Lying on his bed, there's a few sheets of paper spread out in front of him. Darks trousers are his only clothing, his dark T-shirt discarded to the floor.
Slowly the door opens, although it is quick to close. The redness that tainted Amara's skin the week before is now gone, replaced by the beginnings of what could be a great tan. A little late in the year, but there nonetheless. Silent footsteps bring her several feet into his room, her eyes soaking in everything, down to his current choice of clothing. Just what is going on?
Door open, door close, silence. Can mean one of a number of people around here, so Padraig's head tilts to the side to observe. "Why do you bother knocking, babe? It's not like there's anything I could be doing that I mind if you see." A brief smile towards her, and he looks back down at his work, frowning again. "How're you doing?"
One of many, but hopefully the most attractive. "I respect privacy," comes the short reply. Someone still seems to be in shut down mode. Amara slowly makes her way closer, careful not to interupt or even step on anything. She remains silent for quite sometime, before finally comments. "Frowning is not your most attractive moment."
"No need, and you know it. With me, at least." Padraig notes, a little distracted before he drops the frown and the attention away from his work for the moment to give his lover an adoring look, frown dropping away. "Just thinking, really. Something I've been working on for a while, and been to see the boss about today. Needs a bit of work, I think. So..." A briefly sly smile. "What brings my babe round here to see me?"
A brow raises slowly as he speaks. That is the indicator that she wants more details, if Padraig knows her well enough. "Am I not allowed to come by merely to see you?" Amara's tone is soft, and nearly empty. Those placid eyes take his into consideration, the only real sign that she's not trying to be hard.
Of course Padraig knows she'll want to see. "Have a look." he offers, gesturing to the sheets as he brings himself up to his knees, and turns his head again to flash a brief, engaging grin. "Sorry. I'm spending too much time with Chrome, I think." he jokes, though the smile falters immediately. "There was something I meant to speak to you about, actually."
And so she does look, going as far as to grab a few sheets to read them over. Even concentration is unclear about her features today. Perhaps someone is well rested. "I was unaware that there was such a thing as too much time with Chrome," Amara comments softly, before moving her eyes from the papers to her lover. Again the brow raises, her silent question made.
"Oh yeah?" Padraig teases. "Got yourself another lover, have you?" A brief joke as he stands from the bed, stepping closer to wrap his arms around the girl and lean forward to give her a gently brushing kiss on the forehead, ignoring the fact that he'll be ruining her vision of the plan. "Now for the question; Do you think I'm too emotional? Should I change to become more like you, Chrome, even Sabella before she pretended to suicide?" Drop that little bombshell. "Without emotion? Purely clinical, to improve my efficiency for the cause?"
At the mention of Chrome being a lover, she nearly stares into his eye, brow remaining arched. No, that's not a good look. It melts, though, as soon as she's in his arms. She looks down, causing her hair to fall before her face and hide the majority of her features from him. "I would hope that never happens," she is quick to respond. There is a long pause before she even thinks to speak again. Amara seems not at all phased about the mention of Sabella. "Also, I am glad you are aware of Sabella's current state, as it means I no longer have to keep it from you."
Padraig frowns at the response, though he lays a gentle kiss in her hair. "And why not? It'll make me more efficient; get rid of my anger, and I'm no longer volatile and maybe unpredictable. I'm not talking about being any different with you, babe." The second comment receives a soft snort of ironic laughter. "You knew? And didn't tell me? Thanks." Delivered dryly, perhaps a faint twinge of annoyance, but nothing more.
"I was not referring to your actions towards me," Amara replies, her voice still low. She continues to look down, thankful for the cover. "Acting similar to myself, or Chrome, would not be healthy. You also do not have what it takes. Chrome and I..." She pauses, as if searching for words. "We have our reasons for our behavior. Honestly, I cannot find a good reason for you to change the way you are." Another pause, before she whispers, "You have no clue how lucky you are." She actually snorts as he questions if she knew. "I would think you would know by now that I have a way of finding things out."
"I don't have what it takes?" Padraig is vaguely incredulous, but he continues to question. "Unhealthy? I don't get it. The good reason is to stop me from being a potential liability when I get angry or upset. To improve what I can do for the Brotherhood by removing what I see as a weakness." One arm slowly rises up to caress the back of her neck, and his voice drops. "The people I respect the most around here are those who've done it. I don't see it as being lucky, more cursed. I hate losing control. And I suppose I should have guessed you'd have known." His voice is gentle still, but questing for an answer.
Amara sighs heavily. More talk and more answers, even though she technically, by verbal contract, doesn't have to answer. "You take insult in words that are meant as a sort of praise," she explains, closing her eyes with his touch. "While I cannot say for sure why Chrome behaves as he does, I am willing it has to do with his powers. And the lack of lifespan that accompany them. For me, I am merely a product of my raising. The child forgotten. You have no clue as to how badly I sometimes wish I could be more like you." There, she said it, and she immediately scolds herself mentally. "To be more like me, you would have to change yourself in more ways possible. You would be fighting against temptation, and still struggling to maintain composure. Believe me, it is not as easy as it may seem to be so.. distant."
Padraig follows Amara's speech with a sigh of his own, even as he lays another soft kiss into her hair. "Seems we both wish we could be a bit more like the other. I don't think you could ever realise what it's like to know people probably think of you as a liability because of your temper." His tone still gentle and soft. "I'm willing to try and change to better myself. I never thought it might be easy, but I'm starting to think I can do it. Only when necessary. I need to learn to control myself."
"There's a difference between controlling yourself, and lacking emotion." Point. Blank. Silence. The only sign Amara's even still concious is her breathing, which can only be felt since they're so close at this point. Finally, slowly, she speaks, her words soft as whispers. "You are only as much of a liability as you allow yourself to be. You may not believe me, Padraig, but you will if you are foolish enough to go through with such an idea."
"I mean lacking it in terms of people who don't mean anything to me, and when I'm on missions. Removing its influence from my work." Another slow sigh, and the Irish rogue shakes his head. "I don't know. I wanted your opinion, to find out what you think, and you think it's a bad idea. I dunno. There has to be a way to convince people... of... you know. The fact that I'm /not/ a potential liability." An ironic snort of laughter. "Shit. Guess I'm not doing so well at the moment, eh? Just sound like a whiner. I'm sorry." And he leans down to give another soft kiss, the hand caressing her neck moving round to try and tilt her chin up a little.
His effort to tilt her head fails. He'll need to be a bit more aggressive for her to loo at him at this point. "You really do not understand my words," Umbra speaks softly. A small tear begins to build in her eyes, but she tries to fight it away. "I wish I could be more like you. Chrome is in the process of learning to show emotion. Neither of us wish to be like us, yet you do. I.." A brief hesitation. "I love you for who you are, Padraig. On the field and off. You are not, and I repeat, not a liability." Her breathing increases slightly, as she becomes more upset, but that is the only sign. "Your emotions bring more to the team than you may realize. If you learn to control your temper, there is no real need to 'change'."
"Haven't you noticed? When did I last lose my temper? I -already- control my temper." Padraig insists, "I didn't even rip Lu's face off when he deserved it." Bitterness rips into his tone. "Why do you guys need to? What's the damn point? See, even now I hear myself and I can't help but cringe at it." Something must've set him off like this, though quite what is anyone's guess. "What? What do my emotions bring to the team? Nothing. Nothing at all that I can see. In fact, I almost accidentally killed myself when I thought Sabella had suicided. Yes, that's why there's bandages around my arm, because I had to plug in."
"I did not say that you were not in control of your temper," Amara tries to reply, finally bringing her face up to look at Padraig. "The point was that if you can control your temper, then you should be fine. Which I believe you to be. Your humor keeps everyone in good spirits. You anger shows your dedication to the cause." His tone strikes a nerve in her, and that tear streaks down her face. For the first time in a long time, she appears hurt. Severely so. "You would do such a thing? Even with me around?" Amara shakes her head and tries to pull free from his arms, suddenly not wanting to be there. "I am glad that our love means so much to you. I apologize that I have not done better by you."
Exasperation crushes onto the Irishman's face. "/Accidentally/ I almost killed myself. I got angry, I lost that temper and used my powers too much. I got too low on power and collapsed onto my floor, waking up to crawl across the room and plug myself in. You think I enjoyed that? That I wanted it?" He shakes his head, fiercely holding her for a moment, before releasing her and turning to lower his head, instantly dropping from bitterness and exasperation into abject misery in a typical swing of mood. "You know I love you, and would do anything for you. I'm sorry. I'm... I'm just shit. Sorry." That head shakes as he stares at the floor, fully expecting her to leave, perhaps never to return. His voice drops to a murmur, speaking more to himself. "I can do the humour withou the emotion, and my dedication is without question. I don't need it. This is what happens."
Back Amara steps, tears showing clearly now. She doesn't leave, but she puts space between the two, in case things get out of hand. "Why... why did you not tell me?" Yes, she's just as hurt as he is. "You are being irrational," she says after a short pause. "You try to use this as an example, yet.. -this .. never happened until you desired change. Am I doing something wrong, Padraig? Do you not believe that I can testify to the troubles of an emotionless life?"
"It's the thing that finally forced me to decide to really /want/ change." Padraig insists, trying to force his voice to levelness and failing. "It's not like it wasn't obvious, Amara, and it's not like I get told about any-..." He cuts himself off. "-everything you do. If you hadn't guessed, it's kinda embarrassing." Still he faces away from her, not moving for the moment. "You've done nothing wrong at all, and I'm not talking about a total lack of emotion, just when I'm working. With you I'll not change at all."
"I am not going to ask you what is wrong all the time," Amara announces, keeping the distance between them. "I quesitoned it once, and you did not answer. If I would have known..." She shakes her head, and turns her head away from him as well. "If I were able to inform you more things, I would. I try. I do. You just do not understand how hard..." A tear chokes her, and she lets the topic drop. "You did not lose your emotion during the mission the other night, for the supplies for Bella. Even though I did not respond to the majority of it, at first, it helped me. I found myself enjoying the mission. I would hate to lose that"
"If you'd have known what? That I almost died because of my own fucking stupidity?" Padraig snaps, obviously at himself rather than anyone else. "I try to understand, Amara, but when I have to rip it out of you to find out that another guy around here might be trying it on with you? I'd hate to find out what I don't get told." He shakes his head again, sharply, trying to clear it. "Shit. That came out wrong. I'm sorry." But the rest, it finally comes to light. "You think that was emotion? No, it was me being the comic relief, because it's the only damn thing I can do around here. The only thing anyone trusts me to do without screwing it royally."
Amara grinds her teeth as he snaps. It may have not been meant for her, but she doesn't know that. "That you almost died. I said nothing about your stupidity, which I have yet to see." Her arms, which are at her sides, hold balled fists. Her nostrils flare with anger, but her back is to him, so he will not see it. So she remains silent, on all of. Well, most of it. "I have yet to meet a person who does not trust you," she finally says. And her words are soft. Eerily so.
"You think?" Padraig retorts. "Why does it matter? I'm not proud of it, and it's not like there's anything that can be done about it, is there? And don't worry, I'm fully aware that I'm not the cleverest round here. That practically everyone can out-think me without even trying." Bitterness again crashes into his voice, before his head, defiantly raised, drops again as he turns back around to face her. His own voice falls to match hers. "I guess we'll just have to disagree on that. Unless you mean people trust me to be volatile and annoying." Then there's a certain resignation entering his voice, and his face, eyes that had started to glow a little fading right back down. "This is ridiculous. I don't think you understand what I'm trying to explain. I'm not sure you can understand it, without feeling the influx of the emotion like I do. And I envy you for it, really I do. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be speaking to you like this. I'll get out of your way until I figure I can talk to you without just being a dick." And he begins to step around her, towards his door.
"Don't. You. Dare." Hopefully, if Padraig's paying attention, he'll notice that Amara just used a contraction. Something she's never done around him before. Her fists remain balled tight, even though the only emotion on her face is that of saddness. It's everything she can do to keep the anger from the rest of her features. "This is your room. If anyone is to storm out, it will be me." Yet, she isn't moving. "I can feel emotion, Padraig. I do have emotion just as anyone else does. As I have explained to Chrome, no one can turn it off completely. The only difference is that I cannot show it." A pause. "No matter how hard I may try. I do my best to speak with you, to trust you with the knowledge of my true feelings, but it is the hardest thing for me to do. Not because it is you, simply because it is not me. You think I like to live that way?" She shakes her head before looking away. "If you do not trust my words, any of them, then tell me now. So I know that I am wasting my time. Then I will show you just how much of an Ice Queen I can be."
Like Padraig's really paying attention, though he does stop at the order, and slowly swivel on his feet to listen to her. "If you honestly believe that threatening me with becoming a little Ice Queen is really going to make any difference to what I think of you, you're sadly mistaken." Sheer upset, even tenderness is written through his voice and his face, and the faintest hint of moisture in his eyes is quickly blinked away. "But I don't think you feel like I do. Never have I suggested you're completely without emotion, and never have I thought that is best for me. I don't think anyone feels like I do, and that's what needs to change." A hand comes up to grasp at his temples, squeezing them and closing his eyes. Still his voice is soft, meaningful. "I'm sorry for even trying to explain how I feel. It's just turned me into a prick, and I don't want to carry on doing it. I love you, Amara, and I hate to upset you, but I can't do anything else while I let myself run riot. I'm sorry." He stands still
Amara swollows as she considers her lover. "What does that mean, then? Not doing anything while you let yourself run riot?" Now is a time that she wishes she can run away, but two things are stopping her. The first being that she is too stubbirn to leave him like this, and the second that she would have to pass by him to leave. She continues to stare at him, although her hands relax. "You are not the one to be apologizing," she finally says. "You came to me for advise, and I have not been very supportive. I just.. do not wish anyone to be like me. It is.. less then desirable." The saddness that she has shown does not fade. In fact, it becomes more accurate now than before.
Padraig shakes his head a little. "I mean I'm just going to upset you when my emotions run riot. I say things I don't mean and I act like a dick. Like now." A deep sigh escapes his lips, and he looks up again at Amara. "You've told me what you really think, which is more valuable than any off the cuff advice. I have a single question." A finger comes up to punctuate it. "Why is it that pretty much everyone I respect around here, everyone who seems more competent and useful, and does, to me, seem to be more trusted, is like that? You, Chrome, Sabella did it before she went away. When was the last time you saw Magneto show anger or any other real emotion? Then there's me. Little old comedy Padraig, who isn't even good enough to go to Russia. The emotional one. Tell me what's wrong with my suggestion if you think of it like that." He waits, expectant and hopeful, obviously so.
"If you have not noticed, I get upset easily enough on my own. Your behavior, as you describe, does not effect that. Only when I feel that you are unhappy with me." At his question, she simply stares. For quite some time. "Where is this coming from?" She shakes her head and sighs. "Each member of this island acts the way they do for various reasons. I have my own, as does Chrome, and Sabella. If you will pay attention, though, the majority of us are all in trouble for one thing or another." She pauses, to recount. "Sabella, for being Sabella. You cannot believe that she has not crossed many lines. Toxin, I fear, for being too close to Sabella. Also when she called us away to Russia months back. Chrome.. I am unsure of why, although I have my speculations. All I know is that Toxin has informed me of his inability to leave the island." Again she pauses, as if to accent her own point. "You are noticing a trend in those on island, without seeing the full truths behind it all. When was the last time that you were in serious trouble?"
"You don't think I'm unhappy with you, do you?" Padraig asks, eyes widening quite a bit. "I'm not, at all. And none of this is your fault or anything." Trying to reassure with tone and word, he takes a step towards her, even as he listens to everything else. "Only time I've been in real trouble was just after you'd threatened to kill me. Even then, not huge trouble. But that doesn't mean I'm trusted or even competent, it simply means I haven't been caught." Because let's face it, Padraig's not the best when it comes to following rules sometimes. Especially if they're ones he thinks he can get away with. "And you? Have you /ever/ been in it 'round here? Just because someone screws up once doesn't mean they're no good." A light shrug. "And it also doesn't change my opinion of that list of people. That they're the best this island has to offer."
His question earns him only a stare, and more silence. Not the normal silence, but more of an awkward one. Her foot shifts, as if she's about to take another step back from him as he moves forward, but she doesn't. "That is not really considered trouble, in my mind. Not the sort that was not at least brought on by others, and therefore does not count." Her words are softer than normal, less monotone. There is something about it, perhaps a bit of fear. "Another reason that I oft' times keep to myself, is that there is less trouble in solitude. To answer your question, I have yet to be scolded for my actions, but that does not mean I have not been deserving." She shrugs, but keeps her eyes lowered from him. "I would hardly rank myself among one of the best on island. If you respect them so, perhaps it is due to their focus and their constant training, which you match."
"Alright then, if you're not one of the best, then tell me who is." Padraig retorts. "Maybe it's the focus and training, but I do more of that and still end up being just a thug. I want to be more than that, and cold professionalism is one way to start doing it." He doesn't answer the former for a short while. "I don't think the amount of times you get scolded by the boss is any indicator of how good you are. I mean, it's not like we're flighty teenagers or anything. But you should know that I think it's a bad idea for you to spend too much time alone, much as you want to." Rapid change of subject, really.
"Other than the seniors and Lord Magneto? Chrome, Derek... anyone but me, honestly. I cannot believe that one who despises teamwork so much could be considered a profitable asset to the team." A brow raises as Amara spares one look at him, before looking away once more. See, no reply. She knew it! "I would like to use Lu Xu as an example. Would you rank him among the best? No, even though he has excellent control over a deadly power. It is his attitude and lack of maturity that constantly lables him a trouble maker. I do not believe you are anything like him." The last words sting her hard, causing her to look to him once more. "Then tell me what I am supposed to do. I am unable to interact socially with most on a regular basis. That, my dear, leaves me alone when not with you."
"The ones you mentioned are the others I would put up there with you, though add Raidha. The new guys I don't know about yet." What was that look for? Padraig shrugs heavily, before continuing. "But I am like him, sometimes. I let him get my back up and almost sent a bolt into his face. More than once. I'm not as bad as him, but I really think..." A slow shake of his head, as he studies the girl intently. "I think a total lack of emotion might be a bad idea. But when at work, I need to control myself. And I need help to do it." The final one brings a hurt look to his face, and his gentle tone belies the pain in his eyes. "Shit. It came out wrong again. I don't know. I'd love to have you completely to myself, but it's not the way it should be. I... it's my feelings again making me say things I don't mean." His head drops to stare at the floor, at a loss for how to carry on the conversation without upsetting her any more.
"You see, love? You just spoke the words that I mentioned mere moments ago. Not a lack of emotions, just a better control." Amara shakes her head, as this whole arguement seems to be rediculous. Slowly she makes her way to him and stands before him, the pain so obvious on her face now gone. Not that she isn't still pained, but she isn't about to let him know that. Not now. He's already so upset. "Padraig, my love," she whispers as a hand comes to touch his cheek. "It seems that we are both misunderstanding the other. I simply meant that I do not speak so openly with any others, not yet. I doubt that I ever will. You are the only one that I spend significant time with." She pauses, allowing herself to nibble on her lower lip. "This is not something that I am complaining about. I simply... do not see how I can help you with your goals, when I am struggling to achieve my own."
Not ridiculous. It started out as asking for advice, then turned into a rant. Padraig actually snorts in ironic laughter. "I was trying to ask advice. Both you and Chrome have given me the same. I'm going to think about it before reaching a final decision." In a typical rapid change of mood, Padraig smiles down at his lover, and brings a hand forward to rest on her waist. "We'll see. I'm glad I get you all to myself though." The beginnings of a cheeky little smile come out, and he nods. "We can help each other, if you're willing to speak to me about what it is you're trying to do. Well, I hope I can help. Two heads better than one, eh?"
Amara nods when Padraig mentions thinking about her words. She finds herself smiling as she watches him, her mood actually starting to lighten. "Some may say that over exposure to one such as myself is a bad thing." She shakes her head. "I honestly do not understand what it is, Padraig. About you. That is so different, that is allowing me even the opportunity to have this conversation." She leans forward to hug him, but she does not allow the hug to linger, as not to cause him to concentrate too much. "Deal. What say we gather some food, relocate to the grove, and speak some more? Of my plans for Syphon, and of other things?" And offer each other company.
And here was Padraig hoping for proper hugs, though he does lean to give a quick kiss to her forehead before she pulls away. "No such thing as too much time with you, babe. And I have no idea what it is that made me fall for you so quickly. Or speak to you about stuff properly." And whine and bitch and moan and do the whole self-doubt thing that occasionally hits him. "Deal. Let's move. We need strawberries." A tiny little sly grin delivered to her, and he holds a hand out for her to take.
And here Amara was trying to be respectful. She practically mrrrs at the kiss, but keeps herself under control. "There are times when life should not be questioned. I care little, honestly, about what caused us to speak. What matters now is that we did, and that we are happy together." Awww. She nods, her smile growing, as she takes his hand. "I can fetch a few items from my room, and meet you there?"
"Sure." Padraig agrees, pulling her towards him by the hand with that familiar flickering frown of concentration. "Which is how we'd better stay, kiddo. But before you go..." He reaches down towards her for a lengthy kiss.
Amara smiles into the kiss, her cheeks actually turning a soft pink. She pulls away, then heads towards the door. A pause as she turns to look back at him, playfullness written all about her features. "See you soon," she says softly, before disappearing just as quietly as she had entered.
Only a gentle smile follows her out, as Padraig shakes his head. Why is it that he can never stay angry when he's around her?
Amara heads over to her room and Padraig puts his idea to her. Some arguing and stuff, then making up. Rated A for angst. Oh, and Paddy's broken in the head.