(no subject)
OOC-
Among the thing taken from Bella's room is a leather journal with metal binding which seems to have accidentally slipped under her bed, probably during the rush to get her things out of the room. If you want to read the journal in chronological order please start from the bottom of the page and read up. Thank you!
This is the last page in the journal, looking like it's written quickly and with great anger. There are soft spots where it's obvious that tears have fallen onto the paper as it was written.
I can't believe he said those things to me. What a jerk.
I gave him /everything/ EVERY FUCKING THING that I had. My mind, my body, my heart, my loyalty, my adoration, my trust, my sanity, my money, my life.
I have been there for him always. But no more. I am no man's doormat. And I deserve to be treated better than this. I would give my life for the Cause one hundred times over. But even that would not be enough for him. He would probably say I could have died better.
Asshole.
After everything I've done. After all the work I have put in. I don't deserve this.
Was it so much to ask for him to simply tell me I was needed. To tell me that I did something right? No, that would be 'needy' of me.
Fuck this.
Fuck it all.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't want to tell him. Because that means.. it means I could lose him again. I can't take that again. Not again. Not ever. I'd rather die a thousand deaths than feel the pain my heart felt the first time.
But, not telling him is like dying a thousand deaths all by itself. To be so close to him, to see that pain, and not do anything about it.
Either way I'm screwed. And not the warm, fun kind of screwed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.livejournal.com/users/xmm_sabella/130296.html#cutid1
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I hate that woman. That snarky look in her eyes, that coy smile. I don't care how old she is or how long she's been here. She wasn't around to run the Island when it was about to fall to pieces. The times that Erik just up and left. It was me who kept the recruits from leaving. Me who ran things. Me who juggled a double life so that we had the money to stay afloat in the most desperate of times.
But why should anyone see that? All anyone can see is a broken little girl who's not quite right in the head. They can't understand the pain of watching my best friend take my rightful place. The place I worked my ass off to be. The pain of being withheld from everything. The pain of not knowing what's going on around me. The pain of his cold glare telling me I'm not important enough to know, when everyone else has been made aware of the situation.
He took away everything I worked for and left me to scrimp for something to do. Only to turn his nose at the only thing I /can/ do. Be there for the recruits. I just can't win. And I'm just so fucking tired of it.
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I'm concerned about Toad. The scars on his neck that he asked me to heal. Where did they come from? Nobody just randomly carves roman numerals into someone's flesh. But he wouldn't tell me. Not that I really would have expected him to. Maybe some day I'll get my little Toadling to open up. But I won't press, he's a fragile little thing. No matter how he tries to hide it.
And just /what/ was Erik doing spying again. He's gotten into quite the habit. Doesn't he understand that if he simply asked me a question I would answer it truthfully. I swear that man will be the death of me.
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Brendan is still moping. Perhaps the effects of my powers were a little too strong for so fragile a mind. And Cain.. he looked at me with those eyes again. Every time I leave it's like he fears I won't be coming back. I swear, does the boy have no faith in me? What would he do if I ever truly died. Not that he'll ever find out since I'm destined to outlive most of the people in my life right now.
Good grief.
Atleast everyone seems to like the statue!
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Of course she would come to me with such a request. To think that she could have gone so long with neither man nor toy to please her. Good grief. I would have simply died by that point. Just died. And Erik of course walked in at the worst possible time. But when doesn't he?
I have to get her some chickens as well. Maybe I should right a list?
Chickens.
Milk.
KY
Yup, that's a pretty typical list for me.
----------------------------------------------------
Have you ever had one of those moments where you were torn between pulling someone into a kiss and ripping their heart from their chest just to make sure they still had one? He makes me feel like that all the time. It's been awhile since he's made me laugh. Perhaps we really can work our way back to some semblance of friendship.
-----------------------------------------------------
My lovely statue! Padraig turned it into a fountain and put it in my garden. I have never received a gift so lovely as that. The expression on his face, the horror. Stricken like that for the rest of his days. That boy really does know how to make me smile. Which is good. Someone around here should. Being mopey is starting to really annoy me.
----------------------------------------------------
STUPID! I am a stupid stupid woman. What was I doing? What was I thinking?! I called him, just wanted to know how his surgery went. He texted me back. Told me he was OK. And we talked. God I missed talking to him. Someone who cares about the things that go on inside my head. It didn't last very long, but even five minutes was enough.
I let him in. Told him I'd found 'Sabella's diary' when I accidentally slipped and said something Jezabella would never have known. He didn't understand how scared I was. How scared I am still. I worry every day that I will do or say something wrong. Step over some invisible line and be slaughtered for it. I worry that they'll catch on, send someone after me again. I could survive in jail, but would I want to? No. Death would be better.
I let him into 'her' head. Sabella's head. My head. He says he failed me.
But he didn't. I failed myself.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I saw Lorna today. Such a good girl. I hadn't thought she'd actually believe that I was dead. She wanted to hit me. But she got a hug instead, and I fed from the most delicious of bloodlines. It wasn't hard to reestablish dominance.
Such a good, good girl. So much like her grandfather and yet so terribly different.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I have begun to help Cain harness his anger. He's emotionally weak (I notice as we tend to be able to easily spot our own) and needs to build himself up. Learn to trust himself and his instinct. He needs to learn to take what he needs, what he wants, when he wants it. He wanted me.
So I walked away. Played coy. A few well placed barbs about the men in my life who really knew how to give me what I want. And he fell right into it. You should have seen how red his eyes became. Such lovely lovely anger. He'll harness it. And I will make a monster out of him. A beautiful, terrifying monster.
-------------------------------------------------------
Such a bright girl that Amara. To think we could devise such a plan. A fashion statement and a potentially lethal weapon all in one. And the fools would buy it to. Seen on women in such high profile, who wouldn't?
These glasses could be a cash cow. I need to do some research. We decided on the name Phantasm. The vision evolution. Fools wouldn't understand the meaning if I slapped them in the face with it.
---------------------------------------------------------
So I brought him the sleeping pills. Safer for him then the shit he was putting into his body. God I worry about him. So much stress. And he refuses to relax or let anyone help him. Doesn't he see that he has people he can lean on if he wants?
If only he wanted.. but no, such an ego would not allow for it.
Charles has him worried. I couldn't say about what since he didn't deign to tell me. But he's worried.
-----------------------------------------------------------
He wants me to sing for him. I promised to sing if he promised to dance. And take me to dinner of course.
What the fuck am I doing? Torturing myself with this man. I've put his life in danger already once before. What do I think it will get me? It's not as though I can tell him who I truly am. But that pain in his eyes when he talks about me. Like who truly believed I could be saved.
Maybe I could have been. If he'd pressed me, stayed longer, not walked away. Who knows what the result might have been. But he chose to walk away. Saved me from having to ever worry about it. But now.. Now I torture myself. Go out of my way to bump into him. It isn't healthy.
Not healthy at all.
------------------------------------------------------------
It was stupid of me to do it in the backroom, but it was more secluded than the bathroom and if I didn't get the injection she would have known anyway. Shit. Now I have to worry.
Yeah I trust her. Do I understand why I trust her, no. She's one of /them/. One of Xavier's little X-Men, but trust her I do. Not that I have much of a choice now. I just hope they stay out of her head.
Oh Sean.. she's right. I know she's right. Shit.
--------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.livejournal.com/users/xmm_sabella/124833.html
---------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.livejournal.com/users/xmm_sabella/124258.html
----------------------------------------------------------------
Brendan, oh Brendan. Little boy with a secret. I know the pains of falling for the enemy. The pain of knowing it's wrong and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. But there was something I could do. I could fix his obsession. Perhaps fix is too strong a word.
I took his mind. I claimed it. Rewired his thoughts so that everything he knew for her was fixated on me instead. It's what he wanted. Despite the feelings, I left him with free will. I don't need a puppy dog following me around everywhere. Now he can concentrate on the Cause and doing what he needs to in order to make himself better, without thoughts of her constantly ringing in his mind.
----------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.livejournal.com/users/xmm_sabella/123021.html
----------------------------------------------------------------
Love him.
Oh yes I do.
I really should stop torturing myself, but for some reason I just don't think that's going to happen.
Among the thing taken from Bella's room is a leather journal with metal binding which seems to have accidentally slipped under her bed, probably during the rush to get her things out of the room. If you want to read the journal in chronological order please start from the bottom of the page and read up. Thank you!
This is the last page in the journal, looking like it's written quickly and with great anger. There are soft spots where it's obvious that tears have fallen onto the paper as it was written.
I can't believe he said those things to me. What a jerk.
I gave him /everything/ EVERY FUCKING THING that I had. My mind, my body, my heart, my loyalty, my adoration, my trust, my sanity, my money, my life.
I have been there for him always. But no more. I am no man's doormat. And I deserve to be treated better than this. I would give my life for the Cause one hundred times over. But even that would not be enough for him. He would probably say I could have died better.
Asshole.
After everything I've done. After all the work I have put in. I don't deserve this.
Was it so much to ask for him to simply tell me I was needed. To tell me that I did something right? No, that would be 'needy' of me.
Fuck this.
Fuck it all.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't want to tell him. Because that means.. it means I could lose him again. I can't take that again. Not again. Not ever. I'd rather die a thousand deaths than feel the pain my heart felt the first time.
But, not telling him is like dying a thousand deaths all by itself. To be so close to him, to see that pain, and not do anything about it.
Either way I'm screwed. And not the warm, fun kind of screwed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.livejournal.com/users/xmm_sabella/130296.html#cutid1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hate that woman. That snarky look in her eyes, that coy smile. I don't care how old she is or how long she's been here. She wasn't around to run the Island when it was about to fall to pieces. The times that Erik just up and left. It was me who kept the recruits from leaving. Me who ran things. Me who juggled a double life so that we had the money to stay afloat in the most desperate of times.
But why should anyone see that? All anyone can see is a broken little girl who's not quite right in the head. They can't understand the pain of watching my best friend take my rightful place. The place I worked my ass off to be. The pain of being withheld from everything. The pain of not knowing what's going on around me. The pain of his cold glare telling me I'm not important enough to know, when everyone else has been made aware of the situation.
He took away everything I worked for and left me to scrimp for something to do. Only to turn his nose at the only thing I /can/ do. Be there for the recruits. I just can't win. And I'm just so fucking tired of it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm concerned about Toad. The scars on his neck that he asked me to heal. Where did they come from? Nobody just randomly carves roman numerals into someone's flesh. But he wouldn't tell me. Not that I really would have expected him to. Maybe some day I'll get my little Toadling to open up. But I won't press, he's a fragile little thing. No matter how he tries to hide it.
And just /what/ was Erik doing spying again. He's gotten into quite the habit. Doesn't he understand that if he simply asked me a question I would answer it truthfully. I swear that man will be the death of me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brendan is still moping. Perhaps the effects of my powers were a little too strong for so fragile a mind. And Cain.. he looked at me with those eyes again. Every time I leave it's like he fears I won't be coming back. I swear, does the boy have no faith in me? What would he do if I ever truly died. Not that he'll ever find out since I'm destined to outlive most of the people in my life right now.
Good grief.
Atleast everyone seems to like the statue!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course she would come to me with such a request. To think that she could have gone so long with neither man nor toy to please her. Good grief. I would have simply died by that point. Just died. And Erik of course walked in at the worst possible time. But when doesn't he?
I have to get her some chickens as well. Maybe I should right a list?
Chickens.
Milk.
KY
Yup, that's a pretty typical list for me.
----------------------------------------------------
Have you ever had one of those moments where you were torn between pulling someone into a kiss and ripping their heart from their chest just to make sure they still had one? He makes me feel like that all the time. It's been awhile since he's made me laugh. Perhaps we really can work our way back to some semblance of friendship.
-----------------------------------------------------
My lovely statue! Padraig turned it into a fountain and put it in my garden. I have never received a gift so lovely as that. The expression on his face, the horror. Stricken like that for the rest of his days. That boy really does know how to make me smile. Which is good. Someone around here should. Being mopey is starting to really annoy me.
----------------------------------------------------
STUPID! I am a stupid stupid woman. What was I doing? What was I thinking?! I called him, just wanted to know how his surgery went. He texted me back. Told me he was OK. And we talked. God I missed talking to him. Someone who cares about the things that go on inside my head. It didn't last very long, but even five minutes was enough.
I let him in. Told him I'd found 'Sabella's diary' when I accidentally slipped and said something Jezabella would never have known. He didn't understand how scared I was. How scared I am still. I worry every day that I will do or say something wrong. Step over some invisible line and be slaughtered for it. I worry that they'll catch on, send someone after me again. I could survive in jail, but would I want to? No. Death would be better.
I let him into 'her' head. Sabella's head. My head. He says he failed me.
But he didn't. I failed myself.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I saw Lorna today. Such a good girl. I hadn't thought she'd actually believe that I was dead. She wanted to hit me. But she got a hug instead, and I fed from the most delicious of bloodlines. It wasn't hard to reestablish dominance.
Such a good, good girl. So much like her grandfather and yet so terribly different.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I have begun to help Cain harness his anger. He's emotionally weak (I notice as we tend to be able to easily spot our own) and needs to build himself up. Learn to trust himself and his instinct. He needs to learn to take what he needs, what he wants, when he wants it. He wanted me.
So I walked away. Played coy. A few well placed barbs about the men in my life who really knew how to give me what I want. And he fell right into it. You should have seen how red his eyes became. Such lovely lovely anger. He'll harness it. And I will make a monster out of him. A beautiful, terrifying monster.
-------------------------------------------------------
Such a bright girl that Amara. To think we could devise such a plan. A fashion statement and a potentially lethal weapon all in one. And the fools would buy it to. Seen on women in such high profile, who wouldn't?
These glasses could be a cash cow. I need to do some research. We decided on the name Phantasm. The vision evolution. Fools wouldn't understand the meaning if I slapped them in the face with it.
---------------------------------------------------------
So I brought him the sleeping pills. Safer for him then the shit he was putting into his body. God I worry about him. So much stress. And he refuses to relax or let anyone help him. Doesn't he see that he has people he can lean on if he wants?
If only he wanted.. but no, such an ego would not allow for it.
Charles has him worried. I couldn't say about what since he didn't deign to tell me. But he's worried.
-----------------------------------------------------------
He wants me to sing for him. I promised to sing if he promised to dance. And take me to dinner of course.
What the fuck am I doing? Torturing myself with this man. I've put his life in danger already once before. What do I think it will get me? It's not as though I can tell him who I truly am. But that pain in his eyes when he talks about me. Like who truly believed I could be saved.
Maybe I could have been. If he'd pressed me, stayed longer, not walked away. Who knows what the result might have been. But he chose to walk away. Saved me from having to ever worry about it. But now.. Now I torture myself. Go out of my way to bump into him. It isn't healthy.
Not healthy at all.
------------------------------------------------------------
It was stupid of me to do it in the backroom, but it was more secluded than the bathroom and if I didn't get the injection she would have known anyway. Shit. Now I have to worry.
Yeah I trust her. Do I understand why I trust her, no. She's one of /them/. One of Xavier's little X-Men, but trust her I do. Not that I have much of a choice now. I just hope they stay out of her head.
Oh Sean.. she's right. I know she's right. Shit.
--------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.livejournal.com/users/xmm_sabella/124833.html
---------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.livejournal.com/users/xmm_sabella/124258.html
----------------------------------------------------------------
Brendan, oh Brendan. Little boy with a secret. I know the pains of falling for the enemy. The pain of knowing it's wrong and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. But there was something I could do. I could fix his obsession. Perhaps fix is too strong a word.
I took his mind. I claimed it. Rewired his thoughts so that everything he knew for her was fixated on me instead. It's what he wanted. Despite the feelings, I left him with free will. I don't need a puppy dog following me around everywhere. Now he can concentrate on the Cause and doing what he needs to in order to make himself better, without thoughts of her constantly ringing in his mind.
----------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.livejournal.com/users/xmm_sabella/123021.html
----------------------------------------------------------------
Love him.
Oh yes I do.
I really should stop torturing myself, but for some reason I just don't think that's going to happen.