"So are we lost? Or do we know which direction we should go?"
First post in LJ in a very long time and its not a good one, so if you don't feel like reading it then just pass by it, but I warn you the ones who do.
I don't know how long now that I've hidden my personality, my face, my body, my mind and my soul from the world. I've become nothing but a hermit for the past 6 months and I could actually count the number of times I've left left my house on one hand. This anxiety to reintroduce myself to the world has probably been my lack of posting and commenting on LJ and my lack of involvement with my friends, family and my fraternity. For far too long I've hidden behind little white lies to avoid socializing with people and I guess you could say Im ashamed of the way I look, who I've become, what I've thought, what I've though of doing and the way I was headed. I think I have a death grip on the past and who I was and I can't come to terms that Im no longer that person, although only recently people have been saying otherwise. Sometimes I just wanna scream to relieve tension, to relieve pain, to relieve hurt. I've never been a self-conscience person, I've always been the one there to help other people get over their self-conscience issues but I can't seem to follow my own advice. I think I have no conviction, what do I really care about now? what should I look foward to now? Im lost. Some days I feel better and some days I feel worse, and it seems to just be a constant battle with emotions and feelings. Other days I can't take them and I just shut myself out from the world and hurt everyone around me. I hate being such a cynacil asshole and Im trying to change but Im so stuck in that routine that I can't seem to release myself from that type of mood becuase Im so use to it. This is just a short rant of my feelings, I have soo much more to say and to get off my chest but baby steps are the best.