Confessions of the BrokenHearted
Title: Confessions of the BrokenHearted
Author: xnicholee
Pairing: Broken!OnKey, Slight OnSica
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own SHINee. Only own the plot.
Summary: JInki doesn't understand what he feels. Kibum rejects what he hears. But the confessions aren't returned.
A/N: Hello~ Sorry if this oneshot is a little confusing... I started it a long time ago, and just finished it recently. Though, when I finished it, I hadn't read the beginning.. So it might be a little confusing... But please do enjoy and comment~ I'd like to hear what you guys have to say. :) ... This being my 1st angst and all. T_T OH OH OH! I wrote to this song:
... I... I don’t know what to think anymore...
My mind is in a mess…. Something that it's been in for quite a while now. And I don't what to do.
I mean. What. What am I supposed to say to that?
You... You just told me, that...
You loved me.
It goes against everything - and I’m not even exaggerating - Everything. What I’ve been taught, what I’ve been told, and even what I’m thinking right now.
But... Why?
Why does my heart beat faster for every second that passes?
I mean... We're both guys.
Our relationship would never be accepted in the world we live in. Idols of the same gender that somehow feel for each other in ways that are completely past friendship? We'd be seen as outcasts. Treated like things that should never exist, hated for what we can’t do anything about... I don’t think I could ever live seeing you treated like that... Never.
It started off with what I thought was only fan service.
Or that's what I told myself multiple times, over and over...
"It's only for the fans, Jinki! Only for the fans!"
But, what about us?
I mean, S.M told us that fan service would help us gain in popularity and even help us bond and become closer as friends. But... They apparently they haven't heard that line before.
You know. The one where it practically states "I should only think of you as one of my closest friends, but for some reason I like you more than that?"
Yeah. That's my life motto now. Literally.
Hugging everyone was fine. Seriously, who doesn't like a nice friendly 'glomp' every once in a while? The small occasional glance at each other was fine too. It was the 'not-as-obvious' way of getting another member’s attention. The whispering… Ha. Sometimes, the MC just said something and I thought it was really funny, so I had to share it. Of course you guys would give me this weird look, but I would always smile when the little light bulb went off above your heads and you would laugh with me. Other times, I just wanted to ask you something normal like "What time is it?”, but someone else was speaking to the audience at the time and I didn't want to seem rude.
But over time... I noticed. Whenever you did one of these small actions, I would react differently than if Taemin or Minho would do the same. I would have to bite my lip, or blink my eyes and let my brain think and process it- as if I couldn't believe what just happened. Other times I felt... Lightheaded? Like, just feeling your breathe tickle my ear, or your skin brush against my own for a moment smaller than a second, would leave me breathless. I thought that was supposed to happen. Or more like, I hoped that’s what was supposed to happen. It would help me calm down these overflowing amounts of feelings I couldn't explain. But when Minho said he didn't experience this, I got confused.
What was it supposed to mean, then? Why wasn't anyone else feeling these 'butterflies' in my stomach? Why did I enjoy it when your hand lingered on mine for a moment longer than everyone else? Nothing was lining up the way they were supposed to.
Soon, I accepted the fact that I was especially attracted to you. Not in the 'your one of my best friends I don’t think I can ever forget because of the time we spent together’.... It wasn't like that at all, no matter how long I thought about it. It took me months later after our debut to realize it. But I know that what I was going through just wasn’t... Normal. Yeah. That's about the only way I can explain it. I always wanted to be by your side, to be the one that you consulted all your problems to, the one you... Trust in the most.
But, sooner than I would've liked to admit, I concluded that... I was the only one between us that felt this, connection. I didn’t mean to say it, it just kind of, slipped. Gosh, how I wished I had better control of my thinking when I'm around you. But hey, not everything you want happens. Me especially.
You were surprised, more than anything when I spluttered out my feelings. I was a complete mess, things just hadn't gone right at all that day, and I thought that if I told you, things might get better. I'm supposed to deal with this kind of stress, being the leader of our group. Not let everything get out of hand and blow me up into oblivion. It didn't work out, not that day anyways.
You rejected me, trying your best to let me off easy. But the pain, it hurt so badly. I thought I was being ripped apart, slowly torn into an amount that could never be counted, and tossed onto the ground. Jonghyun. You said that he was the one you belonged with. Your other half you could never live without.
But that was... A long time ago.
Now... Years after, when I already moved on, and strengthened my resolve to go after a girl, someone I'm supposed to go after. You try and explain to me that you've figured it out. You're sorry that it took so long, that I've had to wait years after I told you the same thing. That you're finally returning the love I've always wanted.
I'm sorry Kibum.
As I spoke these words, I already saw your heart shatter. You plead with me, asking me why I don't feel the same anymore. Why I can't give you what you want. What you've been searching for in Jonghyun all this time and finally realized that it was in me. The tears in your eyes don't affect me anymore as they role down your cheeks. I want to wipe them away. I want to tell you that I was just joking, that I was waiting for you all this time. I want to.
But I can't.
I'm leaving this letter to you Kibum, to explain that I can't give you something that you've always had. I still love you Kibum. I gave you my heart the moment I told you. I knew you didn't want it then, and possibly would never want it. But I gave it anyways. But we can't be together... I'm so sorry.
My parents, they've chosen Jessica to be my wife. I didn't mean for this to happen. Really. I didn't. I let them meet her one day, and things just spiraled out of my control. They loved her, and she confessed to me... In order for me to get over you, I thought this was the final step. That this was where God was directing me, finally showing me the way.
Our wedding is tomorrow.
I'm so sorry.
Love, Lee Jinki
Author: xnicholee
Pairing: Broken!OnKey, Slight OnSica
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own SHINee. Only own the plot.
Summary: JInki doesn't understand what he feels. Kibum rejects what he hears. But the confessions aren't returned.
A/N: Hello~ Sorry if this oneshot is a little confusing... I started it a long time ago, and just finished it recently. Though, when I finished it, I hadn't read the beginning.. So it might be a little confusing... But please do enjoy and comment~ I'd like to hear what you guys have to say. :) ... This being my 1st angst and all. T_T OH OH OH! I wrote to this song:
Click to view... I... I don’t know what to think anymore...
My mind is in a mess…. Something that it's been in for quite a while now. And I don't what to do.
I mean. What. What am I supposed to say to that?
You... You just told me, that...
You loved me.
It goes against everything - and I’m not even exaggerating - Everything. What I’ve been taught, what I’ve been told, and even what I’m thinking right now.
But... Why?
Why does my heart beat faster for every second that passes?
I mean... We're both guys.
Our relationship would never be accepted in the world we live in. Idols of the same gender that somehow feel for each other in ways that are completely past friendship? We'd be seen as outcasts. Treated like things that should never exist, hated for what we can’t do anything about... I don’t think I could ever live seeing you treated like that... Never.
It started off with what I thought was only fan service.
Or that's what I told myself multiple times, over and over...
"It's only for the fans, Jinki! Only for the fans!"
But, what about us?
I mean, S.M told us that fan service would help us gain in popularity and even help us bond and become closer as friends. But... They apparently they haven't heard that line before.
You know. The one where it practically states "I should only think of you as one of my closest friends, but for some reason I like you more than that?"
Yeah. That's my life motto now. Literally.
Hugging everyone was fine. Seriously, who doesn't like a nice friendly 'glomp' every once in a while? The small occasional glance at each other was fine too. It was the 'not-as-obvious' way of getting another member’s attention. The whispering… Ha. Sometimes, the MC just said something and I thought it was really funny, so I had to share it. Of course you guys would give me this weird look, but I would always smile when the little light bulb went off above your heads and you would laugh with me. Other times, I just wanted to ask you something normal like "What time is it?”, but someone else was speaking to the audience at the time and I didn't want to seem rude.
But over time... I noticed. Whenever you did one of these small actions, I would react differently than if Taemin or Minho would do the same. I would have to bite my lip, or blink my eyes and let my brain think and process it- as if I couldn't believe what just happened. Other times I felt... Lightheaded? Like, just feeling your breathe tickle my ear, or your skin brush against my own for a moment smaller than a second, would leave me breathless. I thought that was supposed to happen. Or more like, I hoped that’s what was supposed to happen. It would help me calm down these overflowing amounts of feelings I couldn't explain. But when Minho said he didn't experience this, I got confused.
What was it supposed to mean, then? Why wasn't anyone else feeling these 'butterflies' in my stomach? Why did I enjoy it when your hand lingered on mine for a moment longer than everyone else? Nothing was lining up the way they were supposed to.
Soon, I accepted the fact that I was especially attracted to you. Not in the 'your one of my best friends I don’t think I can ever forget because of the time we spent together’.... It wasn't like that at all, no matter how long I thought about it. It took me months later after our debut to realize it. But I know that what I was going through just wasn’t... Normal. Yeah. That's about the only way I can explain it. I always wanted to be by your side, to be the one that you consulted all your problems to, the one you... Trust in the most.
But, sooner than I would've liked to admit, I concluded that... I was the only one between us that felt this, connection. I didn’t mean to say it, it just kind of, slipped. Gosh, how I wished I had better control of my thinking when I'm around you. But hey, not everything you want happens. Me especially.
You were surprised, more than anything when I spluttered out my feelings. I was a complete mess, things just hadn't gone right at all that day, and I thought that if I told you, things might get better. I'm supposed to deal with this kind of stress, being the leader of our group. Not let everything get out of hand and blow me up into oblivion. It didn't work out, not that day anyways.
You rejected me, trying your best to let me off easy. But the pain, it hurt so badly. I thought I was being ripped apart, slowly torn into an amount that could never be counted, and tossed onto the ground. Jonghyun. You said that he was the one you belonged with. Your other half you could never live without.
But that was... A long time ago.
Now... Years after, when I already moved on, and strengthened my resolve to go after a girl, someone I'm supposed to go after. You try and explain to me that you've figured it out. You're sorry that it took so long, that I've had to wait years after I told you the same thing. That you're finally returning the love I've always wanted.
I'm sorry Kibum.
As I spoke these words, I already saw your heart shatter. You plead with me, asking me why I don't feel the same anymore. Why I can't give you what you want. What you've been searching for in Jonghyun all this time and finally realized that it was in me. The tears in your eyes don't affect me anymore as they role down your cheeks. I want to wipe them away. I want to tell you that I was just joking, that I was waiting for you all this time. I want to.
But I can't.
I'm leaving this letter to you Kibum, to explain that I can't give you something that you've always had. I still love you Kibum. I gave you my heart the moment I told you. I knew you didn't want it then, and possibly would never want it. But I gave it anyways. But we can't be together... I'm so sorry.
My parents, they've chosen Jessica to be my wife. I didn't mean for this to happen. Really. I didn't. I let them meet her one day, and things just spiraled out of my control. They loved her, and she confessed to me... In order for me to get over you, I thought this was the final step. That this was where God was directing me, finally showing me the way.
Our wedding is tomorrow.
I'm so sorry.
Love, Lee Jinki