Whatever Words I Say I Will Always Love You (s/a)
Title: Whatever Words I Say I Will Always Love You
PG
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
Summary: Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am young again
Brendon didn't like it, when Ryan looked into his eyes when they fucked. He might see his secret.
Brendon didn't love Sarah. Not like he loved Ryan. He was In Love with Ryan. And that's why he couldn't stick around. That's why he had to look into those coppery eyes, slowly covering in a sheen of tears. That's why he had to say those words that broke both their hearts, right in half.
"I'm going to ask her to marry me."
Ryan didn't answer. And what could he say anyways? No? Congratulations?
"Why?" Ryan sounded choked. "Why not Audrey, or any of the other girls? Why Sarah?"
Because I wasn't in love with you then
"I want to settle down."
"You. Want. To Settle down?" hissed Ryan, "That's why you're doing this?"
"This?" questioned Brendon coldly. They had an unspoken agreement never to talk about This. Them.
"I love(you) her."
Ryan let the tears fall, and they coursed down his cheeks. Brendon was reminded that if it was a few years ago, there would be makeup smeared across his face. Just another way he'd changed.
"Fuck you, Brendon," he spit, "Or does she do that for you?"
Brendon remained silent, and he knew that was worse.
"Go to hell," sobbed Ryan, backing up. "I hate you."
And that hurt more than any wound ever could.
"Are you sure you want this?" asked Spencer.
Brendon was anxiously peering in the mirror, smoothing his hair back, and going over what he was going to say to Sarah in his head.
"I really like Sarah."
"Brendon."
Brendon turned at the chiding tone.
"You really like Sarah? I'm fairly sure you're supposed to love someone, before you marry them."
"Spencer, if I marry a girl, settle down, stop dressing up, and playing pretend, my parents will love me again. That will make me so fucking happy." He was playing the pity-card on Spencer, and they both knew it, but Spencer couldn't resist, and Brendon didn't want to hear it.
"Whatever, Bren. I just hope you know, that this is killing him."
Brendon stared after Spencer as he left. He groaned, resting his forehead against the mirror, staring into his own confused eyes. And he definitely didn't think that as long as he had Ryan, he'd be happy no matter what.
He chickened out. They were at dinner, and it was the perfect moment. They had just ordered dessert, and it was the lull in conversation where they were just looking at each other, smiling.
"Sarah?" he murmured.
"Yeah, Brenny?"
His mind was screaming Now! But his heart was screaming No! His mind began spinning through memories. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Ryan. The memory his mind started playing, wasn't the first time they kissed, or the first time they slept together, or anything important. They were just all sitting together on the couch, in the first days of the band. Brendon was on one end, Spencer and Brent between him, and Ryan. He glanced down towards the guitarist, and was met with his shy little smile. Brendon had smiled back, and felt his stomach get those stupid butterflies. It wasn't because he knew how much he liked Ryan then, it was just because in that moment he was so happy.
"You look really nice tonight."
She beamed. "Thanks! So do you. Oh, that cake looks so good!"
Brendon forced a smile. Was happiness worth forgiveness? He had struggled with that question all through his childhood, and now he found himself back at square one.
"How's the wedding coming?"
Brendon turned at the bitter words. He sighed.
"I didn't propose, Ryan."
"Waiting for the perfect moment? Y'know, my father hid the ring in some champagne. Of course. And we all know how that marriage turned out. Maybe you should try--"
"Ryan!" Brendon finally snapped, turning around. "Shut the hell up!"
Ryan shrunk back, but continued glaring.
"Why?" he finally asked.
"I don't. . .know. I didn't love her, and I decided my parents acceptance was less important than who I spend the rest of my life with."
Ryan didn't answer, just took a deep breath, and turned away.
"Ryan," Brendon called, and this time he wouldn't chicken out.
"Yes?"
"Ryan, I love you."
Ryan stopped, and turned back. He looked exactly how he did years ago. Trembling softly, lips quivering, and wide, unbelieving eyes, that were so damn hopeful.
His voice was upset, though. "I'm sick of you fucking with me. You hurt me so much. First, you don't want to tell the public. I'm okay with that. Then you don't want to tell the label. Or the band. And then you don't even want to tell yourself. It hurts so much, Brendon. Because I love you. And you don't want to see that."
Brendon did the only thing he could think to do. He kissed Ryan as softly as he could; holding him like he could shatter at any second. He dragged his thumb down Ryan's cheek, placing kisses at the corner of his mouth.
"Love you, love you, love you."
Ryan murmured it back into his lips, wrapping his arms around Brendon, and pulled him back towards Brendon's bed. And this time when they made love, Brendon looked into Ryan's eyes the whole time.
PG
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
Summary: Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am young again
Brendon didn't like it, when Ryan looked into his eyes when they fucked. He might see his secret.
Brendon didn't love Sarah. Not like he loved Ryan. He was In Love with Ryan. And that's why he couldn't stick around. That's why he had to look into those coppery eyes, slowly covering in a sheen of tears. That's why he had to say those words that broke both their hearts, right in half.
"I'm going to ask her to marry me."
Ryan didn't answer. And what could he say anyways? No? Congratulations?
"Why?" Ryan sounded choked. "Why not Audrey, or any of the other girls? Why Sarah?"
Because I wasn't in love with you then
"I want to settle down."
"You. Want. To Settle down?" hissed Ryan, "That's why you're doing this?"
"This?" questioned Brendon coldly. They had an unspoken agreement never to talk about This. Them.
"I love(you) her."
Ryan let the tears fall, and they coursed down his cheeks. Brendon was reminded that if it was a few years ago, there would be makeup smeared across his face. Just another way he'd changed.
"Fuck you, Brendon," he spit, "Or does she do that for you?"
Brendon remained silent, and he knew that was worse.
"Go to hell," sobbed Ryan, backing up. "I hate you."
And that hurt more than any wound ever could.
"Are you sure you want this?" asked Spencer.
Brendon was anxiously peering in the mirror, smoothing his hair back, and going over what he was going to say to Sarah in his head.
"I really like Sarah."
"Brendon."
Brendon turned at the chiding tone.
"You really like Sarah? I'm fairly sure you're supposed to love someone, before you marry them."
"Spencer, if I marry a girl, settle down, stop dressing up, and playing pretend, my parents will love me again. That will make me so fucking happy." He was playing the pity-card on Spencer, and they both knew it, but Spencer couldn't resist, and Brendon didn't want to hear it.
"Whatever, Bren. I just hope you know, that this is killing him."
Brendon stared after Spencer as he left. He groaned, resting his forehead against the mirror, staring into his own confused eyes. And he definitely didn't think that as long as he had Ryan, he'd be happy no matter what.
He chickened out. They were at dinner, and it was the perfect moment. They had just ordered dessert, and it was the lull in conversation where they were just looking at each other, smiling.
"Sarah?" he murmured.
"Yeah, Brenny?"
His mind was screaming Now! But his heart was screaming No! His mind began spinning through memories. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Ryan. The memory his mind started playing, wasn't the first time they kissed, or the first time they slept together, or anything important. They were just all sitting together on the couch, in the first days of the band. Brendon was on one end, Spencer and Brent between him, and Ryan. He glanced down towards the guitarist, and was met with his shy little smile. Brendon had smiled back, and felt his stomach get those stupid butterflies. It wasn't because he knew how much he liked Ryan then, it was just because in that moment he was so happy.
"You look really nice tonight."
She beamed. "Thanks! So do you. Oh, that cake looks so good!"
Brendon forced a smile. Was happiness worth forgiveness? He had struggled with that question all through his childhood, and now he found himself back at square one.
"How's the wedding coming?"
Brendon turned at the bitter words. He sighed.
"I didn't propose, Ryan."
"Waiting for the perfect moment? Y'know, my father hid the ring in some champagne. Of course. And we all know how that marriage turned out. Maybe you should try--"
"Ryan!" Brendon finally snapped, turning around. "Shut the hell up!"
Ryan shrunk back, but continued glaring.
"Why?" he finally asked.
"I don't. . .know. I didn't love her, and I decided my parents acceptance was less important than who I spend the rest of my life with."
Ryan didn't answer, just took a deep breath, and turned away.
"Ryan," Brendon called, and this time he wouldn't chicken out.
"Yes?"
"Ryan, I love you."
Ryan stopped, and turned back. He looked exactly how he did years ago. Trembling softly, lips quivering, and wide, unbelieving eyes, that were so damn hopeful.
His voice was upset, though. "I'm sick of you fucking with me. You hurt me so much. First, you don't want to tell the public. I'm okay with that. Then you don't want to tell the label. Or the band. And then you don't even want to tell yourself. It hurts so much, Brendon. Because I love you. And you don't want to see that."
Brendon did the only thing he could think to do. He kissed Ryan as softly as he could; holding him like he could shatter at any second. He dragged his thumb down Ryan's cheek, placing kisses at the corner of his mouth.
"Love you, love you, love you."
Ryan murmured it back into his lips, wrapping his arms around Brendon, and pulled him back towards Brendon's bed. And this time when they made love, Brendon looked into Ryan's eyes the whole time.