Of Numbered Jackets and Stars
Title: Of Numbered Jackets and Stars
Pairing: Lu Han/Yifan, EXO-M!OT6, barely there OT12
Rating: R
Length: 3.2k
Summary: Lu Han wants to believe he knows why Yifan did it.
Warning: [spoilers]created right after Kris left, mentions of Kris and Lu Han's leave from EXO, maybe comfort sex instead of romantic?
More than a few times, Yifan’s caught himself staring at their wardrobe, colors of navy blue, red, black, and white glaring back at him, as if taunting him with something he doesn’t even know yet. Sets of twelve sit before him and he can’t help admiring each one, fingers automatically reaching out to trace the embroidery of each sleeve. He never thought he could last this long, being able to wear a jacket with black lace like the rest of his friends, his brothers.
His gaze shifts down the rack, seeing the navy blue jackets neatly aligned next to the black and grey suits they had to wear for their Overdose comeback. He moves, transfixed to the clothes until he can pull out his own, the shining double zero looking back at him with fond memories and deep meaning. He knows without it, EXO will never be 100%. But he also knows without it, they might just be number one.
“This isn’t the first time I’ve caught you staring at your jacket, Yifan.” Lu Han’s voice sounds solemn, knowing already what he hasn’t told anybody yet. It shakes him out of his thoughts as he quickly fumbles to put his jacket back, his awkward way of almost knocking the entire rack over prominent in the stillness of the room. “Why?”
Yifan quickly turns, seeing one of his closest friends standing in the doorway looking at him with such concern in his eyes, he’s bound to know by now without him even voicing it out. He wonders. How many times has he exactly caught him?
“Even Baekhyun has caught you looking at our jackets once.”
They’ve gotten closer over the span of three months, evident in the way he and Lu Han start to dress alike more than ever now, and he’s heard the hushed whispers the singer has told to their younger brother in the dead of night. It’s to the point where it feels like Lu Han can read his mind without a single uttered word.
Lu Han gives him a gentle smile, and Yifan only wants to give him the world. Stars should be the only thing Lu Han sees and their galaxy is only the beginning of it.
“Rehearsal is starting again soon. We need to go.”
Yifan wants to be the shield if Lu Han goes through with his decision.
Yifan sighs as he falls back onto his hotel bed, hair still damp and face feeling fresh, free of makeup and creams after his shower. He stares up at the pale ceiling, color beige and strangely calming as he just thinks. His heart palpitates wildly in his chest and he can’t differentiate if it hurts when it beats or he’s just gotten too used to the pain now to be able to tell.
He hears his roommate walking around the room, footsteps loud in the silence, and he doesn’t turn to look at him until he hears him pause in his movements. He tilts his head to the side to see Lu Han’s hair just as damp as his own and leaning against the wall, arms crossed in front of his chest. It looks like he’s thinking about what to say, but Yifan knows Lu Han’s had a certain difficulty with transforming his thoughts into words.
They simply stare at each other, Yifan requesting to room with Lu Han for the night, and he can tell it’s shaken the elder up considerably since he always rooms with Minseok. They gauge the other’s expressions, and Yifan hopes Lu Han is willing to receive what he wants to give him.
“Why?” is the first word that escapes Lu Han’s mouth.
The corners of Yifan’s lips turn up into a small smile. “Why what?”
Another pause enters between them before Lu Han eventually pushes off the wall with his shoulder, taking meaningful strides toward him until he’s sitting next to him on the bed. Lu Han’s never looked so determined before and it makes Yifan’s chest ache with what he’s about to do when they land in Beijing the next day.
“The jackets, the secret trips. You’re slowly closing yourself off from the rest of us even more than usual.”
Yifan shrugs, bringing his arm closest to Lu Han up and wrapping it gently around his waist to try and bring him in closer. Lu Han lets him after a moment’s hesitance, and he’s happy. Everything about them is genuine and sincere.
“Are you leaving us again, Yifan?” Lu Han quietly asks, staring into his eyes.
Yifan knows there’s guilt in his expression, seen in the way Lu Han tries to control his own emotions upon seeing it. The elder moves closer and puts his hand on top of Yifan’s chest, feeling his heart beat underneath his fingertips.
“How long?”
“A while,” Yifan mumbles instantly.
Time doesn’t exist with them.
Lu Han stares at him a bit longer before he finally moves to lie next to him. Yifan’s breath catches in his throat when he feels the elder’s body flush against his own, still so very warm from the shower he just took. The water permeates his shirt to soak into his skin, but it reminds him of how uncomfortable and unforgiving life can be when a great day turns into a sad and cold one after the rain falls.
Silence falls in the cracks between them, engulfing them whole, and Yifan feels tempted to break it, break free from the chains bounding him to the ground. “Lu Han,” he whispers out, too afraid to speak louder and shattering whatever is keeping them still, “I want to give you something before I leave.” He feels Lu Han move against him until they’re staring at each other again, the elder lying on his side and he tilting his head to see him completely.
“Don’t give me something I can’t keep forever.”
The statement brings a smile to Yifan’s face, reaching forward until he can place his hand gently on Lu Han’s cheek and bring him in for a soft kiss. He can feel the hitch in the elder’s breath and it makes his smile waver. “Let me give you a piece of me?” he whispers against soft lips and a small nod is all he needs to have him gently rolling them over until he’s on top, still kissing the smaller man gently.
Soft fingers trail up his arms before they disappear into the sleeves of his shirt. They wrap themselves around his shoulder blades, and Yifan sighs and moves with the touches. He leans away from Lu Han enough to see flushed cheeks and shining eyes. He still never understood that and he smiles. “How come your eyes never stop shining?”
“Because all I see are stars in front of me,” Lu Han replies back with a smile of his own. He removes his hands from inside Yifan’s shirt to reach up and tangle fingers into his hair. “You are a galaxy yourself, Yifan.” He pulls him down for another soft kiss, opening his mouth when he feels a tongue licking along the seams of his lips. He groans into the kiss, and Yifan smiles, pressing the smaller man’s body into the mattress to leave his mark on him in the subtlest way he can. “You just don’t see it,” Lu Han manages to whisper out as Yifan moves to kiss his way down his jaw and neck.
“All I want is for you to see the stars,” Yifan confesses, and he hopes it’s enough to have Lu Han’s heart jumping in his chest as well, “Let me protect you so you can see the stars forever.” He can practically feel the confusion rolling off of Lu Han in waves, so he runs his hand down his side soothingly, palm warm and increasing in heat as their body warmth joins together perfectly for the first time.
Yifan wakes up to Lu Han half-draped over him and bangs coming from their hotel door.
“Are you two awake yet?” Jongdae shouts out, “We have to leave soon!”
“Yeah!” Yifan calls back, voice raspy from sleep. It’s enough to have Jongdae leaving them in peace before Lu Han stirs awake on his chest, hair a mess and cheeks still flushed from the constant heat pushing up against it. He doesn’t want to leave this behind. He only hopes Minseok and Yixing can continue to watch over him like he had since Lu Han first joined the company. “We need to get ready, Han,” he mumbles, rubbing his hand across his lower back.
Lu Han hums something in response before mechanically turning in the bed and almost falling to the floor at the act. It makes Yifan smile as he follows after him, gently pressing a kiss to his temple as he walks past him to turn on the shower while the elder brushes his teeth.
Lu Han ends up joining Yifan in the shower while they share kisses over and over again, the first time Lu Han has ever showered with anybody and Yifan can’t help but mutter out, “Please believe in me,” repeatedly in the hopes Lu Han will understand.
The first person Yifan sees when they meet up with the rest of EXO is Baekhyun, and he can’t help the fluttering in his chest as he quickly leaves Lu Han’s side to engulf the smaller man in a hug. It causes confusion and bursts of laughter to escape the younger’s mouth, but he ends up patting his back and hugging him just the same. Lu Han smiles from his place next to Minseok, still completely confused at the turn of events.
Yifan’s always liked Baekhyun. He’s fearless and brave, something he’s still trying to become.
“What’s wrong with our galaxy Fanfan-hyung?” Baekhyun questions cheekily, and Yifan has to pull away because they can both feel the hug going on longer than should be normal. Chanyeol and Jongdae are looking at them with a look of confusion. “Hyung?”
Yifan gives him a small smile. He’s still a leader until the very last second even if Junmyeon takes that title away from him when they join together to form one group. “We should get going. Chanyeol,” he calls out before turning to look at his friend, “Lead the group.”
In no time, the group is heading their way to the airport, Yifan hanging behind with Lu Han and Minseok. He’s sitting in the back of the van with both of them and it only takes a split second before he’s reaching out to lace his fingers with Lu Han’s next to him. He can feel Minseok’s questioning gaze on them and he’s just like Lu Han, able to assess a situation without ever uttering a single word.
“You’ll be fine,” he whispers, and he feels Lu Han squeeze his hand because he probably still has no idea what’s about to happen, “I love you, guys.”
When they finally make it to Beijing to return home to Seoul with the group chattering away with each other like normal, Lu Han doesn’t expect Yifan to tug him back from the boarding line, shoving his folded up plane ticket for Incheon into his hand, and whispering words of “I’m sorry” to be the last actions he will ever feel or hear from him for a long time.
It’s the seventh time, Lu Han thinks, as he holds out the large jacket in front of him, glaring numbers of two zeroes in succession staring back at him. The material isn’t as worn down as the rest of theirs and it pulls on something within him, makes him want to believe that he did this for them in some twisted way because he knows. He knows they’re being treated unfairly. They’re not being compensated enough and it’s wearing him down like the material of their numbered jackets.
He wants to believe in him. He wants to know what went on in his mind because he should know they’ve all tried to understand what possessed him to leave them on the brink of happiness, concert just a week away. It may not be what they all originally wanted but, in the end, it became their dream. To just walk away from that, the others couldn’t understand.
He knows what the masses are going to call him. He knows they’re going to call him a traitor, selfish for leaving his brothers in their time of need. Calling him a follower of Wu Yifan and giving them another reason to hate Chinese trainees when he’s only trying to do what he believes is best for himself and his health. He’s going to give them another reason to hate his home country when he only wants to stand up for them, give his hometown something to believe in and represent them around the world.
“Lu-ge?”
Lu Han freezes in his steps like a deer caught in the headlights at the sound of Yixing’s voice, filtering in through the hallway on the way to their closets. It takes him a second but that’s all he needs before he composes himself and stuffs Yifan’s jacket back into his closet, quickly moving towards his own to pack for his trip back home to Beijing for Chuseok.
“Lu-ge?” Yixing questions again, and he hears the worry in his tone. He turns just in time to see an overwhelming presence of sorrow in his best friend’s eyes and it hurts him. The gentle smile mocks him and he can’t believe he gave Yifan a similar look months ago. “Call me, yeah? Rest a lot?”
He never intended to act like him. He didn’t know.
He gives Yixing a small smile, dropping his bag to go over and hug his best friend, hoping his own small whispers convey everything he wants to say. “I love you, Xing. You, the rest of EXO, and our fans. I love all of you.”
He can’t handle the sobs breaking through his brother. He holds him closer. “Just be happy. Okay, ge?”
Yifan’s always been used to silence, usually finding comfort in it, but he can’t seem to find one ounce of it in the moment right now. Plain, white walls glare at him in the empty space, rugged couch rough against his bare calves and he takes a moment to revel in the erratic breathing right next to him. The sound is so familiar yet so foreign, haven’t hearing it in months, and he just wants to wrap his arms around him, be the shield he was trained to be during all those years at that entertainment company.
“Hi,” he eventually mumbles, feeling heat rush up his neck to the tips of his ears because he feels like he’s forgotten how to even talk to the person he was so close to before he caused the storm to brew. His lips tilt into a smile when he hears Lu Han breathe back.
“Hi.”
Lu Han still doesn’t understand, large hand coming up to cup his cheek gently before moving up to fix his bright fringe. Curiosity eats at him and there are so many questions he wants to ask the man. He wants to know why he did it. He wants to know how he’s felt all this time. He wants to know if he was lonely. He wants to know why no one knew. Why didn’t he tell him?
He finally shifts his gaze to meet Yifan’s and he’s taken aback by how many emotions are swirling through his dark, brown eyes. The hand fixing his fringe slowly moves back down to his cheek, and it pulls a question out of him. “Did you miss us?” he whispers as if afraid of the answer.
Yifan’s lips twitch upwards into a smile right in front of him. It nostalgic, the way he shyly does it every time. “I did.”
“We worked so hard.” He can’t bring himself to say it.
“I know.”
Staring into Yifan’s eyes is like staring into the past, all those years of hard work and welcome into the company when he joined two years after he joined coming to the forefront of his memory. The same kind and understanding look that only Yifan came to possess after a year of training to become their leader. Realization dawns on him then, eyes widening because he thinks he might understand now.
“Were you lonely?”
The sadness in his gaze reminds him of the sorrow he knows he’s going to cause his best friends. “There was a reason I chose to stay behind in Beijing,” Yifan mumbles softly, running his thumb gently across a tanned cheekbone, face free of makeup and Yifan thinks that’s when Lu Han looks his best. His smile is small, but he hopes it’s enough. “Welcome home, Lu Han.”
Yixing and Minseok stare at their jackets, a set of eleven sitting in front of them, and the pain of their leader leaving is still so fresh. His jacket left behind in Seoul in their dorm, and soon enough, they know another will accompany it until the day EXO truly disbands. They don’t flinch when they feel arms wrap around their shoulders, joining them to stare at their jackets embellished with their designated numbers.
“You guys will take care of my jacket for me,” Lu Han mumbles softly, the sting of giving up his dreams pounding away at his heart ten times stronger than he ever expected, “Right?”
“You’ve been taking care of his,” Minseok whispers back, hearing two more people come into the dressing room before the rest come in, “We’ll take care of yours.”
“I don’t know if this is going to be the best birthday of my life or the worst,” Jongdae suddenly jokes and they all know it’s his way of coping with the situation.
Lu Han feels arms circle around his waist from behind, and he knows it’s their baby Zitao clinging onto him because it’ll hurt even more when another older brother of his disappears from the spotlight. “Ge,” he whispers and Lu Han wishes it didn’t get this bad. He wants to believe he knows why Yifan did it.
“I’ll be the voice for you guys, okay?” he suddenly says, detaching himself from his brothers before reaching out directly in front of him to grab his jacket, “I’m going to make sure they give you more chances, because all of you need to be heard.” He bites his lip as he represses the urge to cry the moment he slips on his jacket one last time.
“You know what’s going to happen,” Jongdae mutters, his own eyes tearing up because none of this is right to any extent, “Lu-ge, you aren’t betraying us.”
Yixing chokes on a sob, trying to hold back his own tears before he pulls Lu Han in for a hug. He slips back to Mandarin and he knows Minseok and Jongdae can understand what he says. “We’re supporting you every step of the way, ge.” And Lu Han wonders why they never believed in Yifan when he first left. None of them did. “We love you.”
Lu Han’s smile wavers as Minseok ducks and moves his way in-between their hug, Jongdae and Zitao covering them whole as he holds on tight to them. “I know,” he whispers back, “I’m only a phone call away after tonight.”
Lu Han hangs his jacket up one last time, fingers tracing the number 7 before he leaves, giving his brothers tight hugs before he goes home to the one still waiting for him.
Pairing: Lu Han/Yifan, EXO-M!OT6, barely there OT12
Rating: R
Length: 3.2k
Summary: Lu Han wants to believe he knows why Yifan did it.
Warning: [spoilers]created right after Kris left, mentions of Kris and Lu Han's leave from EXO, maybe comfort sex instead of romantic?
More than a few times, Yifan’s caught himself staring at their wardrobe, colors of navy blue, red, black, and white glaring back at him, as if taunting him with something he doesn’t even know yet. Sets of twelve sit before him and he can’t help admiring each one, fingers automatically reaching out to trace the embroidery of each sleeve. He never thought he could last this long, being able to wear a jacket with black lace like the rest of his friends, his brothers.
His gaze shifts down the rack, seeing the navy blue jackets neatly aligned next to the black and grey suits they had to wear for their Overdose comeback. He moves, transfixed to the clothes until he can pull out his own, the shining double zero looking back at him with fond memories and deep meaning. He knows without it, EXO will never be 100%. But he also knows without it, they might just be number one.
“This isn’t the first time I’ve caught you staring at your jacket, Yifan.” Lu Han’s voice sounds solemn, knowing already what he hasn’t told anybody yet. It shakes him out of his thoughts as he quickly fumbles to put his jacket back, his awkward way of almost knocking the entire rack over prominent in the stillness of the room. “Why?”
Yifan quickly turns, seeing one of his closest friends standing in the doorway looking at him with such concern in his eyes, he’s bound to know by now without him even voicing it out. He wonders. How many times has he exactly caught him?
“Even Baekhyun has caught you looking at our jackets once.”
They’ve gotten closer over the span of three months, evident in the way he and Lu Han start to dress alike more than ever now, and he’s heard the hushed whispers the singer has told to their younger brother in the dead of night. It’s to the point where it feels like Lu Han can read his mind without a single uttered word.
Lu Han gives him a gentle smile, and Yifan only wants to give him the world. Stars should be the only thing Lu Han sees and their galaxy is only the beginning of it.
“Rehearsal is starting again soon. We need to go.”
Yifan wants to be the shield if Lu Han goes through with his decision.
Yifan sighs as he falls back onto his hotel bed, hair still damp and face feeling fresh, free of makeup and creams after his shower. He stares up at the pale ceiling, color beige and strangely calming as he just thinks. His heart palpitates wildly in his chest and he can’t differentiate if it hurts when it beats or he’s just gotten too used to the pain now to be able to tell.
He hears his roommate walking around the room, footsteps loud in the silence, and he doesn’t turn to look at him until he hears him pause in his movements. He tilts his head to the side to see Lu Han’s hair just as damp as his own and leaning against the wall, arms crossed in front of his chest. It looks like he’s thinking about what to say, but Yifan knows Lu Han’s had a certain difficulty with transforming his thoughts into words.
They simply stare at each other, Yifan requesting to room with Lu Han for the night, and he can tell it’s shaken the elder up considerably since he always rooms with Minseok. They gauge the other’s expressions, and Yifan hopes Lu Han is willing to receive what he wants to give him.
“Why?” is the first word that escapes Lu Han’s mouth.
The corners of Yifan’s lips turn up into a small smile. “Why what?”
Another pause enters between them before Lu Han eventually pushes off the wall with his shoulder, taking meaningful strides toward him until he’s sitting next to him on the bed. Lu Han’s never looked so determined before and it makes Yifan’s chest ache with what he’s about to do when they land in Beijing the next day.
“The jackets, the secret trips. You’re slowly closing yourself off from the rest of us even more than usual.”
Yifan shrugs, bringing his arm closest to Lu Han up and wrapping it gently around his waist to try and bring him in closer. Lu Han lets him after a moment’s hesitance, and he’s happy. Everything about them is genuine and sincere.
“Are you leaving us again, Yifan?” Lu Han quietly asks, staring into his eyes.
Yifan knows there’s guilt in his expression, seen in the way Lu Han tries to control his own emotions upon seeing it. The elder moves closer and puts his hand on top of Yifan’s chest, feeling his heart beat underneath his fingertips.
“How long?”
“A while,” Yifan mumbles instantly.
Time doesn’t exist with them.
Lu Han stares at him a bit longer before he finally moves to lie next to him. Yifan’s breath catches in his throat when he feels the elder’s body flush against his own, still so very warm from the shower he just took. The water permeates his shirt to soak into his skin, but it reminds him of how uncomfortable and unforgiving life can be when a great day turns into a sad and cold one after the rain falls.
Silence falls in the cracks between them, engulfing them whole, and Yifan feels tempted to break it, break free from the chains bounding him to the ground. “Lu Han,” he whispers out, too afraid to speak louder and shattering whatever is keeping them still, “I want to give you something before I leave.” He feels Lu Han move against him until they’re staring at each other again, the elder lying on his side and he tilting his head to see him completely.
“Don’t give me something I can’t keep forever.”
The statement brings a smile to Yifan’s face, reaching forward until he can place his hand gently on Lu Han’s cheek and bring him in for a soft kiss. He can feel the hitch in the elder’s breath and it makes his smile waver. “Let me give you a piece of me?” he whispers against soft lips and a small nod is all he needs to have him gently rolling them over until he’s on top, still kissing the smaller man gently.
Soft fingers trail up his arms before they disappear into the sleeves of his shirt. They wrap themselves around his shoulder blades, and Yifan sighs and moves with the touches. He leans away from Lu Han enough to see flushed cheeks and shining eyes. He still never understood that and he smiles. “How come your eyes never stop shining?”
“Because all I see are stars in front of me,” Lu Han replies back with a smile of his own. He removes his hands from inside Yifan’s shirt to reach up and tangle fingers into his hair. “You are a galaxy yourself, Yifan.” He pulls him down for another soft kiss, opening his mouth when he feels a tongue licking along the seams of his lips. He groans into the kiss, and Yifan smiles, pressing the smaller man’s body into the mattress to leave his mark on him in the subtlest way he can. “You just don’t see it,” Lu Han manages to whisper out as Yifan moves to kiss his way down his jaw and neck.
“All I want is for you to see the stars,” Yifan confesses, and he hopes it’s enough to have Lu Han’s heart jumping in his chest as well, “Let me protect you so you can see the stars forever.” He can practically feel the confusion rolling off of Lu Han in waves, so he runs his hand down his side soothingly, palm warm and increasing in heat as their body warmth joins together perfectly for the first time.
Yifan wakes up to Lu Han half-draped over him and bangs coming from their hotel door.
“Are you two awake yet?” Jongdae shouts out, “We have to leave soon!”
“Yeah!” Yifan calls back, voice raspy from sleep. It’s enough to have Jongdae leaving them in peace before Lu Han stirs awake on his chest, hair a mess and cheeks still flushed from the constant heat pushing up against it. He doesn’t want to leave this behind. He only hopes Minseok and Yixing can continue to watch over him like he had since Lu Han first joined the company. “We need to get ready, Han,” he mumbles, rubbing his hand across his lower back.
Lu Han hums something in response before mechanically turning in the bed and almost falling to the floor at the act. It makes Yifan smile as he follows after him, gently pressing a kiss to his temple as he walks past him to turn on the shower while the elder brushes his teeth.
Lu Han ends up joining Yifan in the shower while they share kisses over and over again, the first time Lu Han has ever showered with anybody and Yifan can’t help but mutter out, “Please believe in me,” repeatedly in the hopes Lu Han will understand.
The first person Yifan sees when they meet up with the rest of EXO is Baekhyun, and he can’t help the fluttering in his chest as he quickly leaves Lu Han’s side to engulf the smaller man in a hug. It causes confusion and bursts of laughter to escape the younger’s mouth, but he ends up patting his back and hugging him just the same. Lu Han smiles from his place next to Minseok, still completely confused at the turn of events.
Yifan’s always liked Baekhyun. He’s fearless and brave, something he’s still trying to become.
“What’s wrong with our galaxy Fanfan-hyung?” Baekhyun questions cheekily, and Yifan has to pull away because they can both feel the hug going on longer than should be normal. Chanyeol and Jongdae are looking at them with a look of confusion. “Hyung?”
Yifan gives him a small smile. He’s still a leader until the very last second even if Junmyeon takes that title away from him when they join together to form one group. “We should get going. Chanyeol,” he calls out before turning to look at his friend, “Lead the group.”
In no time, the group is heading their way to the airport, Yifan hanging behind with Lu Han and Minseok. He’s sitting in the back of the van with both of them and it only takes a split second before he’s reaching out to lace his fingers with Lu Han’s next to him. He can feel Minseok’s questioning gaze on them and he’s just like Lu Han, able to assess a situation without ever uttering a single word.
“You’ll be fine,” he whispers, and he feels Lu Han squeeze his hand because he probably still has no idea what’s about to happen, “I love you, guys.”
When they finally make it to Beijing to return home to Seoul with the group chattering away with each other like normal, Lu Han doesn’t expect Yifan to tug him back from the boarding line, shoving his folded up plane ticket for Incheon into his hand, and whispering words of “I’m sorry” to be the last actions he will ever feel or hear from him for a long time.
It’s the seventh time, Lu Han thinks, as he holds out the large jacket in front of him, glaring numbers of two zeroes in succession staring back at him. The material isn’t as worn down as the rest of theirs and it pulls on something within him, makes him want to believe that he did this for them in some twisted way because he knows. He knows they’re being treated unfairly. They’re not being compensated enough and it’s wearing him down like the material of their numbered jackets.
He wants to believe in him. He wants to know what went on in his mind because he should know they’ve all tried to understand what possessed him to leave them on the brink of happiness, concert just a week away. It may not be what they all originally wanted but, in the end, it became their dream. To just walk away from that, the others couldn’t understand.
He knows what the masses are going to call him. He knows they’re going to call him a traitor, selfish for leaving his brothers in their time of need. Calling him a follower of Wu Yifan and giving them another reason to hate Chinese trainees when he’s only trying to do what he believes is best for himself and his health. He’s going to give them another reason to hate his home country when he only wants to stand up for them, give his hometown something to believe in and represent them around the world.
“Lu-ge?”
Lu Han freezes in his steps like a deer caught in the headlights at the sound of Yixing’s voice, filtering in through the hallway on the way to their closets. It takes him a second but that’s all he needs before he composes himself and stuffs Yifan’s jacket back into his closet, quickly moving towards his own to pack for his trip back home to Beijing for Chuseok.
“Lu-ge?” Yixing questions again, and he hears the worry in his tone. He turns just in time to see an overwhelming presence of sorrow in his best friend’s eyes and it hurts him. The gentle smile mocks him and he can’t believe he gave Yifan a similar look months ago. “Call me, yeah? Rest a lot?”
He never intended to act like him. He didn’t know.
He gives Yixing a small smile, dropping his bag to go over and hug his best friend, hoping his own small whispers convey everything he wants to say. “I love you, Xing. You, the rest of EXO, and our fans. I love all of you.”
He can’t handle the sobs breaking through his brother. He holds him closer. “Just be happy. Okay, ge?”
Yifan’s always been used to silence, usually finding comfort in it, but he can’t seem to find one ounce of it in the moment right now. Plain, white walls glare at him in the empty space, rugged couch rough against his bare calves and he takes a moment to revel in the erratic breathing right next to him. The sound is so familiar yet so foreign, haven’t hearing it in months, and he just wants to wrap his arms around him, be the shield he was trained to be during all those years at that entertainment company.
“Hi,” he eventually mumbles, feeling heat rush up his neck to the tips of his ears because he feels like he’s forgotten how to even talk to the person he was so close to before he caused the storm to brew. His lips tilt into a smile when he hears Lu Han breathe back.
“Hi.”
Lu Han still doesn’t understand, large hand coming up to cup his cheek gently before moving up to fix his bright fringe. Curiosity eats at him and there are so many questions he wants to ask the man. He wants to know why he did it. He wants to know how he’s felt all this time. He wants to know if he was lonely. He wants to know why no one knew. Why didn’t he tell him?
He finally shifts his gaze to meet Yifan’s and he’s taken aback by how many emotions are swirling through his dark, brown eyes. The hand fixing his fringe slowly moves back down to his cheek, and it pulls a question out of him. “Did you miss us?” he whispers as if afraid of the answer.
Yifan’s lips twitch upwards into a smile right in front of him. It nostalgic, the way he shyly does it every time. “I did.”
“We worked so hard.” He can’t bring himself to say it.
“I know.”
Staring into Yifan’s eyes is like staring into the past, all those years of hard work and welcome into the company when he joined two years after he joined coming to the forefront of his memory. The same kind and understanding look that only Yifan came to possess after a year of training to become their leader. Realization dawns on him then, eyes widening because he thinks he might understand now.
“Were you lonely?”
The sadness in his gaze reminds him of the sorrow he knows he’s going to cause his best friends. “There was a reason I chose to stay behind in Beijing,” Yifan mumbles softly, running his thumb gently across a tanned cheekbone, face free of makeup and Yifan thinks that’s when Lu Han looks his best. His smile is small, but he hopes it’s enough. “Welcome home, Lu Han.”
Yixing and Minseok stare at their jackets, a set of eleven sitting in front of them, and the pain of their leader leaving is still so fresh. His jacket left behind in Seoul in their dorm, and soon enough, they know another will accompany it until the day EXO truly disbands. They don’t flinch when they feel arms wrap around their shoulders, joining them to stare at their jackets embellished with their designated numbers.
“You guys will take care of my jacket for me,” Lu Han mumbles softly, the sting of giving up his dreams pounding away at his heart ten times stronger than he ever expected, “Right?”
“You’ve been taking care of his,” Minseok whispers back, hearing two more people come into the dressing room before the rest come in, “We’ll take care of yours.”
“I don’t know if this is going to be the best birthday of my life or the worst,” Jongdae suddenly jokes and they all know it’s his way of coping with the situation.
Lu Han feels arms circle around his waist from behind, and he knows it’s their baby Zitao clinging onto him because it’ll hurt even more when another older brother of his disappears from the spotlight. “Ge,” he whispers and Lu Han wishes it didn’t get this bad. He wants to believe he knows why Yifan did it.
“I’ll be the voice for you guys, okay?” he suddenly says, detaching himself from his brothers before reaching out directly in front of him to grab his jacket, “I’m going to make sure they give you more chances, because all of you need to be heard.” He bites his lip as he represses the urge to cry the moment he slips on his jacket one last time.
“You know what’s going to happen,” Jongdae mutters, his own eyes tearing up because none of this is right to any extent, “Lu-ge, you aren’t betraying us.”
Yixing chokes on a sob, trying to hold back his own tears before he pulls Lu Han in for a hug. He slips back to Mandarin and he knows Minseok and Jongdae can understand what he says. “We’re supporting you every step of the way, ge.” And Lu Han wonders why they never believed in Yifan when he first left. None of them did. “We love you.”
Lu Han’s smile wavers as Minseok ducks and moves his way in-between their hug, Jongdae and Zitao covering them whole as he holds on tight to them. “I know,” he whispers back, “I’m only a phone call away after tonight.”
Lu Han hangs his jacket up one last time, fingers tracing the number 7 before he leaves, giving his brothers tight hugs before he goes home to the one still waiting for him.