(no subject)
it hurts.it hurts to smile.to laugh.to be myself.i put up this barrier to protect myself so i dont have to feel the hurt and i find myself pretending to be happy and not care all the while its just building up and im forced to deal with everything at once.and now i find myself drowing in my own tears. i need someone.someone to come save me.pull me up.i thought i could save myself.but i dont know what to do anymore.im in over my head.i forgot.i forgot what it is to real be happy.sure on the outside i appear to be happy and sometimes i am.but that pure bliss i once knew is so out of grasp. i dont even know what it is to be myself. i feel so disembodied.watching my life being played and me not even being a part of it.im trapped inside this confusion that only gets hazier with each passing day.i want to scream.scream what im feeling.make a scene.do something.but i cant. i have no more strength.i feel so lifeless. i used to have ambitions.dreams.and now all thats left are the whispers of my dreams so out of reach.my family.i feel like everyone has given up on me.including myself.i never used to be afraid to speak up.go against the flow.but it takes to much strength. and i dont have it.i used to wear my heart on my sleeve.how could i be so naive.now its locked up.longing to get out.to let the people that i love know.all i need is to be held.feel wanted.needed.i used to be a firm beliver in fate.destiny.but as i am hurling into my own destiny im lost.how can these things be happening to me.why isnt anyone helping me.cant you hear my screaming.the complete unpredictable nature of life is the essence of everything that we will come upon, some moments in life seem to go completely downhill and seem that they will never reach bottom and begin to go up. and thats it.thats where im left.at the bottom.waiting for someone to help me climb back up the hill. i try not to dwell in the past and start fresh.regrets only hinder the future.i have no regrets.but i am left with the bittersweet memories i so desperately try and get rid of.some people are so insensitive.cruel.how can people who know so much about you act so cruel.i try to be mature.not let things get to me.but it hurts.it hurts to much.i miss the happiness.the laughter.even the tears.i am left in the dark.lonely and cold.but i will continue to pretend.smile when i want to cry.laugh when i want to scream.hopefully i can pretend long enough to forget the reality.