jUSt a bOdy of cONfusiOn...
I say I don't want a boyfriend...but am I just avoiding the situation- because I have this 'wall' built around me?! I think the wall is slowly falling...only in time. I honestly know I don't need one because I did just get out of a period of 3 years of being attached...Craig for a year then Justin for two...granted me and Justin were on and off again it was still two years of basically being attached. I know I need a break to focus on me and be myself...shit I’m only 20 years old..i haven't had a real chance to be mE!!...not since I was 17! But that's none’s fault but my own. I remember how much fun we use to all have..being dumb and havin so much fun...yeah I know we/I were alot younger but who's to say we can't be older and still be dumb and have that much fun?! I've been having so much fun lately hangin out with Amanda all the time...cause I can be myself...we can act dumb and not feel stupid for it..we can be ourselves and feel comfortable...it's great! Like I was tellin Ant...since I’ve been single and free I’ve felt so much more like my old self...like I can just be myself in general, we were talkin about how when I was in a relationship (neither one in particular) I was usually always hateful and just always had an attitude...since I’ve been single I have began to loose my attitude and my hatefulness and negativity...it's so great! I love it! And I mean yeah, sure I’d love you have someone to care about and them care about me and still have all this as far as my freedom and 'myself' still but I’m not gonna push it...if it comes around or happens then great if not..no stResSin! =) I think one of the things I miss is the security...having someone --it was so hard when me and Justin broke up because he was all I had...not really any friends (well I had Amy)...so it was like I was loosing everything but I feel so much better now that I’m getting out and having a life! I can replace a guy’s security with the security of good friends..righT!! =) I miss having someone making me feel good about myself...I know I’m not ugly (I’m not conceited either) but it's really nice to know that someone TRULY thinks your the most beautiful person ever!!!...knowing that they think your beautiful even with your flaws...they think your flaws are beautiful...they see you as perfect. I’m not talking about guys thinkin I’m hot...blah blah I don't care about that...I’m talking about truly and genuinely. It’s just a great feeling. I have confidence but having that just makes it that much better.
I dunno where I’m going with this so I guess I’ll stop rambling...lol
If you read this thing…please comment--whether I know you or not. It’s ok…I don’t bite! =)
lOovE!<3