another rant.
So, I've been kind of angry/hurt/sketchy/confused/insulted/forgotten/disposable/replaceable/ignoredfor a while now. And, I understand that people have told me to just deal with the fact that my mom has a boyfriend. So, I've decided that while I feel as though my territory has been invaded and intruded upon by a foreign power....that I'm just not going to care. You see, talking to my mom, she used, in her defence, the excuse that this was her house. How insulting is that? Oh, okay, so why have I been living here the past 5 years? I hate this damn place, and you were the one who always told me that it was OUR house, and we should make it our home. No, a home is somewhere where joint decisions are made to accomodate all living there, a home si somewhere where one feels safe and comfortable, a home is a place to run to when there's no where else in the world that can hold you. It's a sanctuary, sacred ground to those who dwell inside. But now, she's taking back her statement, and just pretty much making everything to her own liking. Okay, fine. I won't care. It's not worth it, and I have much better things to do with my time than fret over such silly things as my mother. If my being comfortable in my own house(I refuse to use the term "home"), doesn't matter to her, than nothing is going to matter to me. This is kinda just me thinking aloud, and writing to whatever comes to mind, so don't feel obligated to read or comment. I just need some outlet. I've tried to accept it, become accustomed to it, enjoy it, or even just be "blah" about it. But the truth is, I'm enraged. I'm incredibly infuriated that after 17 years of marriage, my Father was kicked out of our home(the one that the 4 of us created with sweat, blood and tears....as well as 12 years under the tyranny of my grandmother), only to have a comeplete (and I use the term "complete" to its fullest extent) stranger impede upon the life that I already had a hard time accepting. It's bullshit. I feel very uncomfortable, and my mother's best argument to sooth or fix the problem was for her to state that this was her home. Okay, so it isn't mine. Fine. I shall spend as little time in this Godforsaken hell as I possibly can. And, my dearest mother, do NOT think that you can still control any aspect of my life. We are not friends, and as far as I'm concerned you are my mother on some pretty loose terms right now. This doesn't mean I don't love you anymore. This simply means that this is the kind of situation I'm referring to when I get pissed and call you a bitch for. If I move out, it will not be soon enough. And on this note as well, I feel as though I'm a child, and in a sense I am, but I'm 18, so shouldn't I just grow up? It feels so childish that I'm saying this, that after 5 years I'm still wanting my daddy to come rescue me. And why won't he come? It's basically my fault. I've kinda stopped going to his house on some weekends, which makes me sad, but I also enjoy my weekends here. I wish he lived closer. I feel so small, I feel like I'm four years old or something. I just want everything to be fixed, I want everything stupid to go away, and I don't know why, but I can't shake the desire to be around my dad more. I feel safe with him, I feel protected and loved, and the only other place I have felt equally safe, protected and loved is with Julian. But at the same time, I don't want to feel dependent on people, because what happens when they leave? I also have a new cat who makes me really happy, and I feel really attached to him.I don't know what I need, but basically the conclusion regarding my discomfort at home is to obliterate all emotion towards the situation. If I do that, then I will neither be upset about it nor excited for it. I shall be neutral. I don't know what the purpose of all of this was, and if you are still reading, I'm sorry if you expected some kind of incredibly epiphany about life or anything in general, because I feel that, though this is long, and me getting my feelings out, I feel that I haven't fully expressed myself and I feel underaccomplished with this. So, I'm not going to continue further, and have a good day.