Fuck Chuck Norris
Basic Truths About 24's Jack Bauer
- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
- Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
- If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like
chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's
beef.
- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next
half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
- Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right
now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
- Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
- Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
- When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
- Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
- Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance
Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
- When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
- Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second
favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
- When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
- When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
- Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
- Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
- In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?
- Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
- Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA
Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who
downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
- In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
- What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
- Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
- If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
- Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is
stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f**king dead."
- Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
- Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
- Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
- When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
- It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
- If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
- The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
- Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
- After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
- Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
- Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
- If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like
chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's
beef.
- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next
half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
- Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right
now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
- Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
- Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
- When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
- Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
- Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance
Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
- When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
- Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second
favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
- When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
- When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
- Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
- Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
- In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?
- Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
- Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA
Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who
downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
- In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
- What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
- Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
- If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
- Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is
stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f**king dead."
- Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
- Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
- Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
- When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
- It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
- If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
- The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
- Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
- After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
- Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.