Thinker's Anonymous
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and
then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and
soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to
relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was
thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking
and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.
I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it
exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home
either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the
meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me
in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your
thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the
job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my
conversation with the boss. Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious. "It is serious," she said,
lower lip a quiver. "You think as much as college professors, and
college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we
won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I'd
had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the
door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR
on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass
doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that
night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass,
whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend is heavy
thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's
Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering
thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a
noneducational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share
experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I
still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I forgot to mention, I didn't write this.