(no subject)
i know ive said all this before, but its still true, im still so sad, there's still nothing i wouldnt do, i dont understand why i feel this way, but it hurts so bad, it hurts so bad there are no words to even begin to describe the amount of pain im feeling, ive been feeling every single day since.... i cant help it, i cant help the tears, even as i write this im crying again, god, why does this have to hurt so much? im so lonely, and its not like i havent tried to move on, believe me i have, but it seems like after him, no one is good enough, i want to be happy again, but i feel like the only way i can is if im with him again, ive tried to tell him, but its so hard, i want to, its just so painful, when i think..when i think of all the things we could have done but didnt, and that he does them with someone else, god, it kills me inside, it kills me to know that he's with someone else, and that im sitting here alone, thinking and crying, i hear these songs that remind me, and i want to call him and tell him im thinking of him, and i almost do, when i realize...when i realize that we're not together anymore, what hurts the most, more than anything, any pain i could have ever imagined, was that i never said no, it tears me apart to know that i never tried to get him to stay, to know that maybe there was something i could have done, maybe we would still be together, doing the things i wanted to, but i didnt try and it makes me want to scream, it makes me want to scream and yell and just die, it makes me want to hurt someone, hurt myself so bad, god, theres nothing i wont do, ive tried everything, ive tried not talking to him, tried burning everything that reminded me of him, tried listening to music, tried not listening to music, tried talking to him, not seeing him, being with him, tried to focus on different things, tried writing about him then ripping up and burning the papers i wrote, i cant do it, i cant do it, i need him back, i dont think he understands how i feel, maybe he does, but not how deeply i feel, how much pain its been, i always think that maybe if i see him or talk to him or hear his voice or even taste his kiss one more time it'll be okay, just once and i'll be fine, but im wrong, it doesnt work, my heart is broken and i see him and it mends, but the second i let him go again my heart breaks again, i still remember his kiss, i felt so safe, so loved for once in my life, i felt.. no i knew that someone loved me, the way he held me in his arms, was like heaven on earth, and i just wanted to stay in his arms forever, just lying there under the bright blue sky looking at the clouds together, i wanted to stay like that forever, the way he held my hand and looked into my eyes, just made me fall even more in love, i wanted him to never look away, and so much more, so much more, i know what love feels like, god, its so wonderful so amazing and yet its so horrible at the same time, theres nothing, nothing i wouldnt do, i just want to scream so loud, id die for him, id do anything anything anything anything, if only i could go back, id try to get him to stay, i wish i could go back to the nights when we told each other i love you before we said good night, i still remember our last kiss, the way he smiled at me, and held me close, i wish i could tell him i love him still, but im so scared that he'll turn away, im so scared, if you ever find that one person youd do anything for, that youd die for, dont ever let them get away, you will regret it, you may never get them back, and if you do, somehow, dont let them go again, i'm still regretting it, and i always will, i always will....