This is what she wanted.
I wrote this story. all by myself. (with a little help) this is what floats around in my head. Read it.
She fell into him again. back into "the scene". AGAIN. But it's not her fault. it's all his. If he wasn't so enticing. if his world weren't so enticing. that's what she hoped for... what she wished for. but wishing doesn't change shit. it's just wishing.
It would've been two months. 60 whole days. without him. without it. with out the endless nights and the people. and the parties. did she miss it? hell yeah. sometimes she just wanted to crawl back into their world. their world of anonymous multiple partner sex never ending parties and drugs. they made her feel beautiful. because they accepted her. no matter who she was.
when she first met him she was captivated. captivated by his charm his eloquence and his sense of freedom. he was the ultimate bad boy. she was a sucker for bad boys. she was a sucker for him. she was his princess. his princess in a world of fucked up things.
anything she wanted she would have NO MATTER what the cost was. there was one thing she wanted. one thing she desperately wanted. something she would sell her soul for. something she would DIE for. she wanted acceptance. validation. friends.
She remembers her first time. it was raining. and he was leading her up a slick cement walk. the old buildings loomed, threatening to crumble any at moment. she clung to him. she was always clinging to him. like a child to its mother. He pushed open the door. all she could see was people. the music was deafing. like some weird house music. the kind you'd find in the hippest clubs in europe. it took her a moment to realize exactly what was happening. what was going on. what these people were doing. and before she knew what was happening. she was being dragged in. dragged into his world. his life. filled with bruises, endless lines of coke, bad techno, and people whose names you could never remember because even they didn't know what they were. maybe she WASN'T being dragged in. maybe not entirely. maybe, in fact, she was leading herself in. maybe. after all, wasnt acceptance and validation she wanted?
After this she couldn't get enough. it was weekend after weekend. night after night. and it seems every night she was making new friends. people she never met. because slowly the people she knew began disappearing. either becoming a walking corpse or dying. but she didn't care because every night there was someone new. someone who cared. or at least that's what she thought.
Everything stopped mattering after that. Everything. Who she slept with. whether it was safe or not. (It never was.) Whether or not she would have a job the following monday. (she always did) How many drugs she consumed (she always lost count after 3 lines) and whether or not people knew she was using (everybody and thier grandma knew. she stopped trying to hide it after a while. ) why? Because she honestly didn't give a flying fuck. all that mattered was him. but even that would change.
It didn't take long for her to change. she was now the one doing the dragging. she was the center of attention. just because she was so eager to please. eager to be wanted, to be accepted. He had created a monster. he had created something he could not control, and he despised it. there had always been other people. always. he was never one for commitment. ever. countless people. sometimes more than one at once. it made life more exciting. more edgy. But now it was different. She was the one disappearing. going god knows where doing god knows what with god knows who. he was jealous. no, fuck that. he was irate. that ungrateful bitch. he had given her what she wanted, and what did he get in return? Not one god-damned thing. he tried to blow her off entirely. ignored her. but she always crawled back to him saying that she NEEDED him. that she LOVED him. he was the only thing that would ever matter she would purr in her sex kitten voice. but this only made him more angry. How DARE she? the little whore! the more she brushed up against him the more she teased him the more she pleaded and toyed with him. the more violent he became. he was not one to be fucked with and he would make her understand this.
She loved this attention. loved it so much. so much it would drive her to the brink of insanity and obsession. he began to hurt her. she didn't give a fuck and she regularly told him this. she didn't give a fuck if he left. there were other people people who loved her more MORE THAN HE DID. she would scream. he would hit her hard. in the middle of a crowded room. no one would stop. stop to watch him or just stop in general. they went on fucking random people and snorting endless amounts of coke, and it never dawned on her why they never stopped... maybe it's because they had seen this before. girls like her came and went. girls who just wanted more. they were a dime a dozen. so there was no point in caring, because for all they knew tomorrow she could be gone.
After a while the Alice in wonderland effect on her was gone. this was her scene, and she was a regular. that's when she began to notice things. things she'd never seen before even though they'd always been there. people were talking. talking about her. saying things. things like how much of a slut she was. how often she'd been around. she consoled herself by saying she was no worse than anyone else. hell she'd only been there... how many months? she couldn't remember. and it'd only been.... how many people? she couldn't remember that either. along with other things had just eventually lost track. his violent behavior fueled by drugs and jealousy had gotten worse. much worse. the nights where a bloody lip along with a bloody nose (from the drug use) were becoming more increasingly common. but that didn't make her feel unloved. in fact, it was contrary. the more they talked, the more she loved it. so the more she did. this was a vicious cycle impossible to break.
Things began to change more drastically as time went on. people were disappearing. there one day gone the next. some had OD'd. some in a state of depression hung themselves or slit their wrists in the hotel bathrooms where "classy" (and expensive) drug parties were held. others had slowly rotted away the addiction eating their brain and whatever soul they had left. few had been diagnosed with HIV and didnt give a shit who they gave it to or where they got it from. but even fewer managed to get clean.
The party that had once been her life was becoming hell. she was eroding away to nothing.
she was wasting away she could see it. it scared her. the once upside world of drugs had always emitted a charm. but things were becoming right side up and that charm became horrifying. it was like a nightmare she could never wake up from. she wanted to leave. but the addiction gripped her controlling whatever of her was left. it was like being on a merry-go-round and going too fast. the world was spinning and she had no control.
she eventually managed. moved back in with her mother. severed all of ties. tired to forget what those partyies were like. what it was liked to be watched. to be wanted. to be known. because after she left. she became a nobody.but then again. that means she at some point had to be a somebody.
she lived there.happily for almost 2 months. until that one night. everything changed.everything. she was in her room. thinking of him. she missed the life she missed him. suddenly she heard a tap tap at her window. she looked out it was him. he was on her mothers lawn. at 11 o'clock at night. promising her the moon the stars the ocean whatever she wanted she could have. and she believed him. she always did. no matter what he said. she believed his promises. she believed he had come to save her. but he wasn't promising her eternal the moon or the stars. he was promising her something very different. he was promising her a grave he was promising her a statistic. a number. he was promising her trip down memory lane. one she'd never survive. but she didnt think that.
it was out the window down the terrace into his car. she was filled with giggles and nerves. she was going home to people who cared. she was excited and jumpy. she would fall right back into the world of careless sex, filled with bruises endless lines of coke bad techno and people who's names you could never remember because even they didnt know what they were. she was going home. this was going to be night she'd always remember. but she'd never have a chance to tell people about it. this was the night it all ended. this was the night she was going to die. after all, there was one thing she wanted. one thing she desperately wanted. something she would sell her soul for. something she would DIE for. she wanted acceptance. validation. friends. and sadly thats what she never got.
She fell into him again. back into "the scene". AGAIN. But its not her fault. its all his. If he wasn't so enticing. if his world weren't so enticing. thats what she hoped for... what she wished for. but wishing doesnt change shit. its just wishing.
She fell into him again. back into "the scene". AGAIN. But it's not her fault. it's all his. If he wasn't so enticing. if his world weren't so enticing. that's what she hoped for... what she wished for. but wishing doesn't change shit. it's just wishing.
It would've been two months. 60 whole days. without him. without it. with out the endless nights and the people. and the parties. did she miss it? hell yeah. sometimes she just wanted to crawl back into their world. their world of anonymous multiple partner sex never ending parties and drugs. they made her feel beautiful. because they accepted her. no matter who she was.
when she first met him she was captivated. captivated by his charm his eloquence and his sense of freedom. he was the ultimate bad boy. she was a sucker for bad boys. she was a sucker for him. she was his princess. his princess in a world of fucked up things.
anything she wanted she would have NO MATTER what the cost was. there was one thing she wanted. one thing she desperately wanted. something she would sell her soul for. something she would DIE for. she wanted acceptance. validation. friends.
She remembers her first time. it was raining. and he was leading her up a slick cement walk. the old buildings loomed, threatening to crumble any at moment. she clung to him. she was always clinging to him. like a child to its mother. He pushed open the door. all she could see was people. the music was deafing. like some weird house music. the kind you'd find in the hippest clubs in europe. it took her a moment to realize exactly what was happening. what was going on. what these people were doing. and before she knew what was happening. she was being dragged in. dragged into his world. his life. filled with bruises, endless lines of coke, bad techno, and people whose names you could never remember because even they didn't know what they were. maybe she WASN'T being dragged in. maybe not entirely. maybe, in fact, she was leading herself in. maybe. after all, wasnt acceptance and validation she wanted?
After this she couldn't get enough. it was weekend after weekend. night after night. and it seems every night she was making new friends. people she never met. because slowly the people she knew began disappearing. either becoming a walking corpse or dying. but she didn't care because every night there was someone new. someone who cared. or at least that's what she thought.
Everything stopped mattering after that. Everything. Who she slept with. whether it was safe or not. (It never was.) Whether or not she would have a job the following monday. (she always did) How many drugs she consumed (she always lost count after 3 lines) and whether or not people knew she was using (everybody and thier grandma knew. she stopped trying to hide it after a while. ) why? Because she honestly didn't give a flying fuck. all that mattered was him. but even that would change.
It didn't take long for her to change. she was now the one doing the dragging. she was the center of attention. just because she was so eager to please. eager to be wanted, to be accepted. He had created a monster. he had created something he could not control, and he despised it. there had always been other people. always. he was never one for commitment. ever. countless people. sometimes more than one at once. it made life more exciting. more edgy. But now it was different. She was the one disappearing. going god knows where doing god knows what with god knows who. he was jealous. no, fuck that. he was irate. that ungrateful bitch. he had given her what she wanted, and what did he get in return? Not one god-damned thing. he tried to blow her off entirely. ignored her. but she always crawled back to him saying that she NEEDED him. that she LOVED him. he was the only thing that would ever matter she would purr in her sex kitten voice. but this only made him more angry. How DARE she? the little whore! the more she brushed up against him the more she teased him the more she pleaded and toyed with him. the more violent he became. he was not one to be fucked with and he would make her understand this.
She loved this attention. loved it so much. so much it would drive her to the brink of insanity and obsession. he began to hurt her. she didn't give a fuck and she regularly told him this. she didn't give a fuck if he left. there were other people people who loved her more MORE THAN HE DID. she would scream. he would hit her hard. in the middle of a crowded room. no one would stop. stop to watch him or just stop in general. they went on fucking random people and snorting endless amounts of coke, and it never dawned on her why they never stopped... maybe it's because they had seen this before. girls like her came and went. girls who just wanted more. they were a dime a dozen. so there was no point in caring, because for all they knew tomorrow she could be gone.
After a while the Alice in wonderland effect on her was gone. this was her scene, and she was a regular. that's when she began to notice things. things she'd never seen before even though they'd always been there. people were talking. talking about her. saying things. things like how much of a slut she was. how often she'd been around. she consoled herself by saying she was no worse than anyone else. hell she'd only been there... how many months? she couldn't remember. and it'd only been.... how many people? she couldn't remember that either. along with other things had just eventually lost track. his violent behavior fueled by drugs and jealousy had gotten worse. much worse. the nights where a bloody lip along with a bloody nose (from the drug use) were becoming more increasingly common. but that didn't make her feel unloved. in fact, it was contrary. the more they talked, the more she loved it. so the more she did. this was a vicious cycle impossible to break.
Things began to change more drastically as time went on. people were disappearing. there one day gone the next. some had OD'd. some in a state of depression hung themselves or slit their wrists in the hotel bathrooms where "classy" (and expensive) drug parties were held. others had slowly rotted away the addiction eating their brain and whatever soul they had left. few had been diagnosed with HIV and didnt give a shit who they gave it to or where they got it from. but even fewer managed to get clean.
The party that had once been her life was becoming hell. she was eroding away to nothing.
she was wasting away she could see it. it scared her. the once upside world of drugs had always emitted a charm. but things were becoming right side up and that charm became horrifying. it was like a nightmare she could never wake up from. she wanted to leave. but the addiction gripped her controlling whatever of her was left. it was like being on a merry-go-round and going too fast. the world was spinning and she had no control.
she eventually managed. moved back in with her mother. severed all of ties. tired to forget what those partyies were like. what it was liked to be watched. to be wanted. to be known. because after she left. she became a nobody.but then again. that means she at some point had to be a somebody.
she lived there.happily for almost 2 months. until that one night. everything changed.everything. she was in her room. thinking of him. she missed the life she missed him. suddenly she heard a tap tap at her window. she looked out it was him. he was on her mothers lawn. at 11 o'clock at night. promising her the moon the stars the ocean whatever she wanted she could have. and she believed him. she always did. no matter what he said. she believed his promises. she believed he had come to save her. but he wasn't promising her eternal the moon or the stars. he was promising her something very different. he was promising her a grave he was promising her a statistic. a number. he was promising her trip down memory lane. one she'd never survive. but she didnt think that.
it was out the window down the terrace into his car. she was filled with giggles and nerves. she was going home to people who cared. she was excited and jumpy. she would fall right back into the world of careless sex, filled with bruises endless lines of coke bad techno and people who's names you could never remember because even they didnt know what they were. she was going home. this was going to be night she'd always remember. but she'd never have a chance to tell people about it. this was the night it all ended. this was the night she was going to die. after all, there was one thing she wanted. one thing she desperately wanted. something she would sell her soul for. something she would DIE for. she wanted acceptance. validation. friends. and sadly thats what she never got.
She fell into him again. back into "the scene". AGAIN. But its not her fault. its all his. If he wasn't so enticing. if his world weren't so enticing. thats what she hoped for... what she wished for. but wishing doesnt change shit. its just wishing.