(no subject)
it is absolutely a necessity that you read the following if you play, or have at any point, played cs. it's been a while since i read this and i simply forgot how amussing it is.
So, do you think you have what it takes to be a l33t CounterStrike player?
You bet! I'm a l33t d00d.
Yes, but do you *have* what it takes?
Huh?
Do you have the latest versions of Half-Life and CounterStrike?
Umm...
(Much downloading later.)
Right, now you're ready to go. Just double click on the server you want to join in Gamespy.
Sure. Hold on... what's this? It says 'WON authentication failed'. This sucks.
Wait a moment. Do you have a legally owned copy of Half-Life?
Hah! I'm a l33t w4r3z d00d. I don't need a legal copy.
Erm... yes you do.
Really?
Really.
This sucks! You all blow goats!
Oh, quit whinging and go and buy a copy.
(One spending spree later.)
Great. Now we're ready to go.
Right, I've joined the server. Now it's asking me to join a team. Which one is best?
Ah, now, it's important to remember that you should always try to join the winning team. You don't want to lose, do you? Of course, if you're not doing very well, then it must be because the map is balanced against your team. Now, who's winning this game?
The terrorists are leading by 12 rounds to 0.
Right, so join the terrorists. Then everybody will understand that you only play to win and will ph34r your l33t skillz.
Ok, now it's asking me to choose a skin. Hey! There's a skin called l33t Krew. I like that one.
Now just wait until the next round, so that you can join in.
I have to wait? This sucks.
Oh, stop complaining. If you want, you can pass the time by talking with other dead players. You have two talk buttons, one to talk to everybody and one to talk to your team. We'll cover these in more detail later.
What should I say?
Why don't you let them know how l33t you are? Swear at them a bit.
Good idea. Hey! Somebody swore back. Fucking prick; he doesn't have any respect.
That's it! You tell him.
Right, I will. Oh, hold on, a new round's just started.
Once you've spawned, the first thing you need to do is buy some gear. By default, the 'buy' menu is bound to the b key?
Why 'b'?
Because... oh, forget it.
Right, I've got the menu up, but I don't know what any of these weapons do.
Ok, let's go through them all. We'll start with the pistol.
No way! Pistols are gay!
Of course they are, but, of course, a l33t d00d like you should have complete mastery of every weapon.
I suppose... Anyway, go on.
To buy a pistol, open the menu and press '1'. You'll see four choices of pistol. The first of these is the .45 USP tactical, which is the default start weapon for the Counter-Terrorist side.
I bet it's shite!
Of course it is. If you're stuck with this weapon, then you should charge around blindly firing like a madman. After all, you don't have anything to lose, do you?
Good point. But isn't it worth taking time to aim?
Why bother? Anyway, this brings us to the next weapon, namely the Glock 18. This is the Terrorist equivalent of the USP, since it's their default start weapon. But don't worry, even though it's less powerful and accurate than the USP, it's waaaay l33ter. It has this really cool 'triplet fire' mode which you should use at every opportunity. In fact, why don't you try using it at the start of a round, by shooting your team-mates? They'll be awestruck when they realise that you're so l33t you know how to switch weapon modes.
Yay!
Next up, we have the Desert Eagle .50 AE. This is the most powerful of the pistols and while, as a pistol, it's utterly gay, it's actually a pretty popular weapon in some circles. Although it only holds six rounds and although it has a shite rate of fire, its power is pretty impressive. Therefore, when using this weapon, you should run around firing wildly at people's feet. Oh, and since its so powerful, if you shoot somebody with it and they don't die, you should complain loudly.
Yeah, I bet the stupid pillocks are cheating!
The fourth and final pistol is the Sig P228. This is another completely gay weapon and it's only used by idiots who think that its power and accuracy somehow make-up for the shame inflicted by using a gay weapon like a pistol.
Right, if that's all the pistols, let's move onto some proper weapons.
Ok, the next weapons on the purchase list are the shotguns. There are two of these and they're listed under the '2' option on the buy menu.
Ah, shotguns? L33t.
The first shotgun is the Benneli M3 Super90. This is your standard, pump action shotgun... a staple weapon in most FPSs since DooM. The power of the M3 was increased dramatically in Beta 6 and conventional wisdom now holds that it's somewhat overpowered. This makes it the perfect weapon for l33t d00dz such as yourself.
Yeah!
Of course, you shouldn't listen to those morons who claim that the shotguns just aren't long range weapons. With your l33t aim, you'll be mowing them down at all ranges. If anybody survives one of your long-range shotgun blasts, they must be cheating.
Idiots. Don't they know how l33t I am?
Apparently not. The more expensive shotgun is the Benelli XM1014. This is basically an automatic version of the M3. Although the shots don't do as much damage individually, the rapid rate of fire more tham compensates. Try using this as a long-range spray-and-pray gun. Only llamas worry about stupid stuff like the fact that this gun's ammo doesn't go very far.
Those shotguns sound l33t. What comes next?
Now we come to the sub-machine guns. There are four sub-machine guns avaliable, listed under option '3' on the buy menu. The first of these is the H&K MP5-Navy. The MP5 is probably the most widely used gun in the game, since it offers a fair degree of power in return for its modest price. Sadly, it's let down by its accuracy...
It's not accurate?
Absolutely not. And remember, crouching or firing in short bursts won't actually help at all. Therefore, whenever you use the MP5, you should constantly complain about its accuracy, to remind the other players that the only reason you're not as l33t as usual is that your gun's letting you down.
Hey! I'm always l33t!
Sure you are. Anyway, the next sub-machine gun is the Steyr Tactical Machine Pistol. This is gay. Don't let its impressive accuracy fool you. It's totally gay and only an idiot would use it.
Of course. Look! It even has 'pistol' in its name.
Now we come to the most expensive of the sub-machine guns; the FN P90. This is the largest and heaviest gun in this group, with an impressively large ammo resevoir. However, it's power has been toned down a lot since the days of Beta 5, when it would completely dominate the game. Therefore, if you want to show everybody on a server how l33t you are, you should constantly bitch about how crap its become. This will give the (false) impression that you've been playing since the days of Beta 5.
Nice idea. I'm so l33t.
The final sub-machine gun is the Mac10. This little beauty packs an incredible wallop, but is hideously, nightmarishly inaccurate. Indeed, it's possibly the least accurate gun in the game.
So I should use it as a sniper rifle then?
You got it! You're getting the hang of this, aren't you? Anyway, that's basically it for the sub-machine guns. The next category, rifles, is slightly broader, since it includes both assault rifles and sniper rifles. We'll start with the assault rifles.
The first assault rifle option is the AK-47. Many people believe that this weapon is too inaccurate to use properly, but when fired in short bursts you can actually manage a fair hit-rate.
Wait a moment. Why would I want to fire in bursts?
Well... perhaps because it's more accurate that way.
But surely just holding down the trigger until you run out of ammo is more l33t and 'ard?
Oh, that's right. Of course it is. How silly of me to forget. Anyway, the next assault rifle is Commando. This is similar to the AK in many ways, but adds a zoom scope. The same advice about firing in short bursts applies, but if you're l33t anyway, you don't need to worry about that.
Kewl.
The next assault rifle, the Carbine, has been changed a lot in Beta6.5. To show your vast knowledge of the other betas, you should bitch about its accuracy as much as possible. Also, remember that using the optional silencer has no drawbacks and reminds other people that you know how to change weapon modes?
No drawbacks?
Well... it completely kills the gun's power, but who cares about that, since it sounds cool when it's silenced?
True...
Next, we have the Aug. This is the big boy of the assault rifles and is, in many ways, a cut-down version of the heavy machine-gun. However, since it has a full-auto option and a zoom scope, you should only use it for full-auto sniping and should accuse your opponents of cheating when you miss.
So... it's the sniper rifles next, right?
Correct. Two of the sniper rifles, the Steyr Scout and the G3/SG3 are utterly gay. You should call anybody you see using them a faggot. In particular, anybody using the G3/SG3 should be ridiculed for using the 'newbie assault rifle', since that's all it is. Anybody who kills you using it must be cheating.
Of course...
The other sniper rifle is the AWP. This is basically a one-hit-kills weapon, with impressive accuracy so long as its fired properly. Of course, since you're l33t, you don't need to bother firing it properly, so just run around, firing it while jumping or hanging off ladders. If you miss, your opponents must be cheating.
So what about the machine guns?
There's only one machinegun implemented at the moment, the mighty Para. With 100 rounds per clip, you can afford to spray and pray with this weapon. Any other player on the map using this gun is cheating. If anybody kills you while you're using this gun, they're cheating.
Hehe...
That just leaves the grenades, which are listed under the 'equipment' menu. There are three types of grenades; high explosive, smoke and flashbangs. High explosive grenades suck, since they're not as powerful as those in Quake 3 or the Action Quake series. Anybody who uses them must be gay. Smoke grenades look pretty, so throw them whenever you get the chance, even if there's absolutely no need. And flashbangs have one very important use...
What's that?
They're the only weapon which will affect your own team-mates if friendly fire is disabled. This is perfect for stopping your own team-mates from stealing your kills and preventing you from getting a l33t score worthy of your skillz. Alternatively, just flashbang your own team for fun at the start of the round. This merry jape will make you instantly popular on any sever.
Hey! It says in the readme that Counter-Strike is supposed to be a team game. What does that mean?
Ah... that means that while you're playing Counter-Strike, you're under threat from two teams at once.
Huh?
First, we have the enemy team. Their sole objective in the game is to kill you. Then, we have your own team, who are no less dangerous than the enemy in that they'll steal kills that should rightfully be yours.
So it doesn't matter which team wins so long as I have a high score?
Correct. As a matter of fact, you can just laugh at your own team most of the time. Remember, don't help them out if they ask for it, since the more of your team are left alive, the more likely it is that one of them will help you out.
But can I ask my team to help me out?
Sure, just hit the team-talk button (Usually U), then type something like "Hlep me, U faggits!" Alternatively, find a suitable message from the voice comms list (Z, X and C) and spam it repeatedly to your team. If your team don't immediately drop what they were doing and help you, you should accuse them of not playing properly.
What about team tactics and co-ordination?
Huh? What're they?
You mentioned cheating a few times in the sections above. What exactly is considered cheating?
It can be considered cheating for other players to do any of the following: Using a pistol, using a shotgun, using a sub-machine gun, using an assault rifle, using a sniper rifle or using a machine gun. Camping is cheating, even if the player is on the defensive. Having a low ping and sniping is also cheating. Actually, having a low ping is just plain cheating anyway.
What do I do if I see somebody doing one of those?
Tell everybody in the channel. Several times. In block capitals. Bonus points for using the word 'faggot' more than three times in one line.
Anyway, I take it that I shouldn't cheat in any way.
Nah, you're a new player, so you need all the help you can get. Don't feel guilty if you need a few of those wall hacks. Everybody will understand.
So, do you think you have what it takes to be a l33t CounterStrike player?
You bet! I'm a l33t d00d.
Yes, but do you *have* what it takes?
Huh?
Do you have the latest versions of Half-Life and CounterStrike?
Umm...
(Much downloading later.)
Right, now you're ready to go. Just double click on the server you want to join in Gamespy.
Sure. Hold on... what's this? It says 'WON authentication failed'. This sucks.
Wait a moment. Do you have a legally owned copy of Half-Life?
Hah! I'm a l33t w4r3z d00d. I don't need a legal copy.
Erm... yes you do.
Really?
Really.
This sucks! You all blow goats!
Oh, quit whinging and go and buy a copy.
(One spending spree later.)
Great. Now we're ready to go.
Right, I've joined the server. Now it's asking me to join a team. Which one is best?
Ah, now, it's important to remember that you should always try to join the winning team. You don't want to lose, do you? Of course, if you're not doing very well, then it must be because the map is balanced against your team. Now, who's winning this game?
The terrorists are leading by 12 rounds to 0.
Right, so join the terrorists. Then everybody will understand that you only play to win and will ph34r your l33t skillz.
Ok, now it's asking me to choose a skin. Hey! There's a skin called l33t Krew. I like that one.
Now just wait until the next round, so that you can join in.
I have to wait? This sucks.
Oh, stop complaining. If you want, you can pass the time by talking with other dead players. You have two talk buttons, one to talk to everybody and one to talk to your team. We'll cover these in more detail later.
What should I say?
Why don't you let them know how l33t you are? Swear at them a bit.
Good idea. Hey! Somebody swore back. Fucking prick; he doesn't have any respect.
That's it! You tell him.
Right, I will. Oh, hold on, a new round's just started.
Once you've spawned, the first thing you need to do is buy some gear. By default, the 'buy' menu is bound to the b key?
Why 'b'?
Because... oh, forget it.
Right, I've got the menu up, but I don't know what any of these weapons do.
Ok, let's go through them all. We'll start with the pistol.
No way! Pistols are gay!
Of course they are, but, of course, a l33t d00d like you should have complete mastery of every weapon.
I suppose... Anyway, go on.
To buy a pistol, open the menu and press '1'. You'll see four choices of pistol. The first of these is the .45 USP tactical, which is the default start weapon for the Counter-Terrorist side.
I bet it's shite!
Of course it is. If you're stuck with this weapon, then you should charge around blindly firing like a madman. After all, you don't have anything to lose, do you?
Good point. But isn't it worth taking time to aim?
Why bother? Anyway, this brings us to the next weapon, namely the Glock 18. This is the Terrorist equivalent of the USP, since it's their default start weapon. But don't worry, even though it's less powerful and accurate than the USP, it's waaaay l33ter. It has this really cool 'triplet fire' mode which you should use at every opportunity. In fact, why don't you try using it at the start of a round, by shooting your team-mates? They'll be awestruck when they realise that you're so l33t you know how to switch weapon modes.
Yay!
Next up, we have the Desert Eagle .50 AE. This is the most powerful of the pistols and while, as a pistol, it's utterly gay, it's actually a pretty popular weapon in some circles. Although it only holds six rounds and although it has a shite rate of fire, its power is pretty impressive. Therefore, when using this weapon, you should run around firing wildly at people's feet. Oh, and since its so powerful, if you shoot somebody with it and they don't die, you should complain loudly.
Yeah, I bet the stupid pillocks are cheating!
The fourth and final pistol is the Sig P228. This is another completely gay weapon and it's only used by idiots who think that its power and accuracy somehow make-up for the shame inflicted by using a gay weapon like a pistol.
Right, if that's all the pistols, let's move onto some proper weapons.
Ok, the next weapons on the purchase list are the shotguns. There are two of these and they're listed under the '2' option on the buy menu.
Ah, shotguns? L33t.
The first shotgun is the Benneli M3 Super90. This is your standard, pump action shotgun... a staple weapon in most FPSs since DooM. The power of the M3 was increased dramatically in Beta 6 and conventional wisdom now holds that it's somewhat overpowered. This makes it the perfect weapon for l33t d00dz such as yourself.
Yeah!
Of course, you shouldn't listen to those morons who claim that the shotguns just aren't long range weapons. With your l33t aim, you'll be mowing them down at all ranges. If anybody survives one of your long-range shotgun blasts, they must be cheating.
Idiots. Don't they know how l33t I am?
Apparently not. The more expensive shotgun is the Benelli XM1014. This is basically an automatic version of the M3. Although the shots don't do as much damage individually, the rapid rate of fire more tham compensates. Try using this as a long-range spray-and-pray gun. Only llamas worry about stupid stuff like the fact that this gun's ammo doesn't go very far.
Those shotguns sound l33t. What comes next?
Now we come to the sub-machine guns. There are four sub-machine guns avaliable, listed under option '3' on the buy menu. The first of these is the H&K MP5-Navy. The MP5 is probably the most widely used gun in the game, since it offers a fair degree of power in return for its modest price. Sadly, it's let down by its accuracy...
It's not accurate?
Absolutely not. And remember, crouching or firing in short bursts won't actually help at all. Therefore, whenever you use the MP5, you should constantly complain about its accuracy, to remind the other players that the only reason you're not as l33t as usual is that your gun's letting you down.
Hey! I'm always l33t!
Sure you are. Anyway, the next sub-machine gun is the Steyr Tactical Machine Pistol. This is gay. Don't let its impressive accuracy fool you. It's totally gay and only an idiot would use it.
Of course. Look! It even has 'pistol' in its name.
Now we come to the most expensive of the sub-machine guns; the FN P90. This is the largest and heaviest gun in this group, with an impressively large ammo resevoir. However, it's power has been toned down a lot since the days of Beta 5, when it would completely dominate the game. Therefore, if you want to show everybody on a server how l33t you are, you should constantly bitch about how crap its become. This will give the (false) impression that you've been playing since the days of Beta 5.
Nice idea. I'm so l33t.
The final sub-machine gun is the Mac10. This little beauty packs an incredible wallop, but is hideously, nightmarishly inaccurate. Indeed, it's possibly the least accurate gun in the game.
So I should use it as a sniper rifle then?
You got it! You're getting the hang of this, aren't you? Anyway, that's basically it for the sub-machine guns. The next category, rifles, is slightly broader, since it includes both assault rifles and sniper rifles. We'll start with the assault rifles.
The first assault rifle option is the AK-47. Many people believe that this weapon is too inaccurate to use properly, but when fired in short bursts you can actually manage a fair hit-rate.
Wait a moment. Why would I want to fire in bursts?
Well... perhaps because it's more accurate that way.
But surely just holding down the trigger until you run out of ammo is more l33t and 'ard?
Oh, that's right. Of course it is. How silly of me to forget. Anyway, the next assault rifle is Commando. This is similar to the AK in many ways, but adds a zoom scope. The same advice about firing in short bursts applies, but if you're l33t anyway, you don't need to worry about that.
Kewl.
The next assault rifle, the Carbine, has been changed a lot in Beta6.5. To show your vast knowledge of the other betas, you should bitch about its accuracy as much as possible. Also, remember that using the optional silencer has no drawbacks and reminds other people that you know how to change weapon modes?
No drawbacks?
Well... it completely kills the gun's power, but who cares about that, since it sounds cool when it's silenced?
True...
Next, we have the Aug. This is the big boy of the assault rifles and is, in many ways, a cut-down version of the heavy machine-gun. However, since it has a full-auto option and a zoom scope, you should only use it for full-auto sniping and should accuse your opponents of cheating when you miss.
So... it's the sniper rifles next, right?
Correct. Two of the sniper rifles, the Steyr Scout and the G3/SG3 are utterly gay. You should call anybody you see using them a faggot. In particular, anybody using the G3/SG3 should be ridiculed for using the 'newbie assault rifle', since that's all it is. Anybody who kills you using it must be cheating.
Of course...
The other sniper rifle is the AWP. This is basically a one-hit-kills weapon, with impressive accuracy so long as its fired properly. Of course, since you're l33t, you don't need to bother firing it properly, so just run around, firing it while jumping or hanging off ladders. If you miss, your opponents must be cheating.
So what about the machine guns?
There's only one machinegun implemented at the moment, the mighty Para. With 100 rounds per clip, you can afford to spray and pray with this weapon. Any other player on the map using this gun is cheating. If anybody kills you while you're using this gun, they're cheating.
Hehe...
That just leaves the grenades, which are listed under the 'equipment' menu. There are three types of grenades; high explosive, smoke and flashbangs. High explosive grenades suck, since they're not as powerful as those in Quake 3 or the Action Quake series. Anybody who uses them must be gay. Smoke grenades look pretty, so throw them whenever you get the chance, even if there's absolutely no need. And flashbangs have one very important use...
What's that?
They're the only weapon which will affect your own team-mates if friendly fire is disabled. This is perfect for stopping your own team-mates from stealing your kills and preventing you from getting a l33t score worthy of your skillz. Alternatively, just flashbang your own team for fun at the start of the round. This merry jape will make you instantly popular on any sever.
Hey! It says in the readme that Counter-Strike is supposed to be a team game. What does that mean?
Ah... that means that while you're playing Counter-Strike, you're under threat from two teams at once.
Huh?
First, we have the enemy team. Their sole objective in the game is to kill you. Then, we have your own team, who are no less dangerous than the enemy in that they'll steal kills that should rightfully be yours.
So it doesn't matter which team wins so long as I have a high score?
Correct. As a matter of fact, you can just laugh at your own team most of the time. Remember, don't help them out if they ask for it, since the more of your team are left alive, the more likely it is that one of them will help you out.
But can I ask my team to help me out?
Sure, just hit the team-talk button (Usually U), then type something like "Hlep me, U faggits!" Alternatively, find a suitable message from the voice comms list (Z, X and C) and spam it repeatedly to your team. If your team don't immediately drop what they were doing and help you, you should accuse them of not playing properly.
What about team tactics and co-ordination?
Huh? What're they?
You mentioned cheating a few times in the sections above. What exactly is considered cheating?
It can be considered cheating for other players to do any of the following: Using a pistol, using a shotgun, using a sub-machine gun, using an assault rifle, using a sniper rifle or using a machine gun. Camping is cheating, even if the player is on the defensive. Having a low ping and sniping is also cheating. Actually, having a low ping is just plain cheating anyway.
What do I do if I see somebody doing one of those?
Tell everybody in the channel. Several times. In block capitals. Bonus points for using the word 'faggot' more than three times in one line.
Anyway, I take it that I shouldn't cheat in any way.
Nah, you're a new player, so you need all the help you can get. Don't feel guilty if you need a few of those wall hacks. Everybody will understand.