Occupy Your Own Life
Last night I listened to Robert Ohotto's radio show about Developing Your Intuition via Shadow work. There were some things he said in the show about the shadow. How we push anything that we can't deal with or we've learned is unacceptable about ourselves down into the shadow. Obv he said it much better than I'm doing right now (the man is phenomenal - everyone should listen to him!) but it got me thinking about the parts of myself that I learned from one person or another were unacceptable, socially awkward. That if I showed these parts of myself, if I let people see them, then they wouldn't love me. Then I wouldn't be safe & taken care of. So I stuffed them down. It really affected myself & the besties so we ordered his 8-week online course on Living Your Destiny Through Shadow Work. All we watched last night was the introductory video on what the course was going to cover and what Robert's perspectives/views are on the Shadow and how to work with it. I was really blown away.. I was really excited about the rest of the course. The last bit at the end is a small meditation where you ask yourself what your motivation is for taking the course and what you're maybe hoping to get out of it. I wanted to understand which past programs/wounds that were clouding my intuition bc I know that so many times when I try to give someone advice it comes from a wounded place. My responses and opinions are coloured by things I've been through and haven't been able to let go of in myself. What I was hoping to get out of the course was a better understanding of my purpose in life bc I don't really feel like I have any idea even what direction to move in to take the next right step, as Pastor Mark would call it. (I miss GCC.)
So I'm sitting there chatting with Nevi after we finished the video and I'm telling her this. Robert asks, in the question of what's my life purpose, what are you passionate about? And I didn't really know what to answer to that.. In discussing with Nevi how I was feeling I found myself confessing that all I really want to do is make people happy. I want to put more joy into the world and inspire people. But that can't be a purpose for my life bc I've always been taught (at least by my birth parents/family) that everything is weighed and measured by its monetary worth. I've always felt like yes my parents encouraged my artwork but whenever I talked about making it more significant in my life the question came up of "but how can you make money doing that?" The only thing I've ever felt like my mother really encouraged me much on was the children's book that I drew bc it could make money. She never seemed to really care much about my Schwoopie art, the calendar, the tarot, and now the dolls that I'm working on that give me so, so much happyness. So I've always had this idea that at some point one of my artistic projects was going to start paying off somewhere and then I could quit working a real job and just do my art/ draw my Schwoopies/ make dolls all day. And it's confusing to me now to think that maybe I won't ever be able to quit working a day job, but I could find time for all that things that give me joy anyway. I can make my dolls, draw my pictures, and if they end up making me money that's great but if they don't that's okay too. I think the big thing that made me realise all I wanted to do was bring happyness is Nevi telling me that she saw in the HN email that somebody bought 20 of my Party Like A Pirate tote bags. In the past, my first reaction would have been “well that's great but how much money did Zazzle screw me out of?” bc of the cut they take from any orders. But instead I said “that's awesome! Oh I wonder if my tote bags are gonna be the swag bags for some awesome pirate party?!” I was totally excited and happy about it. There was no thought of how much I made or didn't make. My first, authentic reaction was happyness that so many people would be getting my bags and enjoying them. Nevi pointed out this reaction I had when we were talking after the video. I hadn't really thought much about it at the time- I just let myself have an honest reaction. But I had to admit that if I'm honest with myself I don't care whether my projects make anything at all financially- I really only care about how much joy they bring to whoever gets them.
So it's kind of a shock to my system to think that maybe bringing joy & inspiration really is my life's purpose. Maybe it has nothing at all to do with money. Maybe I will continue working my 2 jobs and in my free time I'll sew dolls, draw pictures, paint the hotel windows for each season. Maybe I will call around and see if there's anywhere else I could come paint the windows, like the homeless shelter, the hospital, nursing homes.. We talked about maybe me making dolls for kids at the shelter or in the hospital. Just seeing someone's face light up at something I did is honestly my real reward. Of course anyone would be happy to get paid for what they love to do, but you couldn't pay me enough to do it if it didn't make anyone happy.
This is a huge shift in thought for me. I realise that I'm only on week 1 of an 8 week course, so I can't imagine how much is going to change in me before this course is over. But I'm willing to see where it takes me. Already my mind is kind of blown. I've got a lot to think about as far as what I want to do from this point on. I do know there are going to be some major changes for me in how I refer to my work and other people's work. Rather than immediately jumping into big, lofty, money-making schemes with every idea someone mentions I will be thinking instead of whether it makes people happy. I want to stop placing monetary value on everything to determine its worth bc I understand now that that thought pattern is not authentic to my soul.
As long as this entry is I didn't actually even cover all the things going on in me right now. I haven't even gotten into what I thought was co-dependence in my psyche and the revelations in the Human Design book we've just finished reading this week. That was another mind-blowing study. But it's all honestly just too much for me to wrap my head around right now. I've got a lot of thinking (and prolly talking hours with my friends) before I really start to get things hashed out better.
So I'm sitting there chatting with Nevi after we finished the video and I'm telling her this. Robert asks, in the question of what's my life purpose, what are you passionate about? And I didn't really know what to answer to that.. In discussing with Nevi how I was feeling I found myself confessing that all I really want to do is make people happy. I want to put more joy into the world and inspire people. But that can't be a purpose for my life bc I've always been taught (at least by my birth parents/family) that everything is weighed and measured by its monetary worth. I've always felt like yes my parents encouraged my artwork but whenever I talked about making it more significant in my life the question came up of "but how can you make money doing that?" The only thing I've ever felt like my mother really encouraged me much on was the children's book that I drew bc it could make money. She never seemed to really care much about my Schwoopie art, the calendar, the tarot, and now the dolls that I'm working on that give me so, so much happyness. So I've always had this idea that at some point one of my artistic projects was going to start paying off somewhere and then I could quit working a real job and just do my art/ draw my Schwoopies/ make dolls all day. And it's confusing to me now to think that maybe I won't ever be able to quit working a day job, but I could find time for all that things that give me joy anyway. I can make my dolls, draw my pictures, and if they end up making me money that's great but if they don't that's okay too. I think the big thing that made me realise all I wanted to do was bring happyness is Nevi telling me that she saw in the HN email that somebody bought 20 of my Party Like A Pirate tote bags. In the past, my first reaction would have been “well that's great but how much money did Zazzle screw me out of?” bc of the cut they take from any orders. But instead I said “that's awesome! Oh I wonder if my tote bags are gonna be the swag bags for some awesome pirate party?!” I was totally excited and happy about it. There was no thought of how much I made or didn't make. My first, authentic reaction was happyness that so many people would be getting my bags and enjoying them. Nevi pointed out this reaction I had when we were talking after the video. I hadn't really thought much about it at the time- I just let myself have an honest reaction. But I had to admit that if I'm honest with myself I don't care whether my projects make anything at all financially- I really only care about how much joy they bring to whoever gets them.
So it's kind of a shock to my system to think that maybe bringing joy & inspiration really is my life's purpose. Maybe it has nothing at all to do with money. Maybe I will continue working my 2 jobs and in my free time I'll sew dolls, draw pictures, paint the hotel windows for each season. Maybe I will call around and see if there's anywhere else I could come paint the windows, like the homeless shelter, the hospital, nursing homes.. We talked about maybe me making dolls for kids at the shelter or in the hospital. Just seeing someone's face light up at something I did is honestly my real reward. Of course anyone would be happy to get paid for what they love to do, but you couldn't pay me enough to do it if it didn't make anyone happy.
This is a huge shift in thought for me. I realise that I'm only on week 1 of an 8 week course, so I can't imagine how much is going to change in me before this course is over. But I'm willing to see where it takes me. Already my mind is kind of blown. I've got a lot to think about as far as what I want to do from this point on. I do know there are going to be some major changes for me in how I refer to my work and other people's work. Rather than immediately jumping into big, lofty, money-making schemes with every idea someone mentions I will be thinking instead of whether it makes people happy. I want to stop placing monetary value on everything to determine its worth bc I understand now that that thought pattern is not authentic to my soul.
As long as this entry is I didn't actually even cover all the things going on in me right now. I haven't even gotten into what I thought was co-dependence in my psyche and the revelations in the Human Design book we've just finished reading this week. That was another mind-blowing study. But it's all honestly just too much for me to wrap my head around right now. I've got a lot of thinking (and prolly talking hours with my friends) before I really start to get things hashed out better.