Breakthrough. My return.
xsilentserenity is back under rightful control: me, Seri.
I have to say, it’s really great being back. And yes, it’s me, Seri. For real. My birthday is October 21, I’m 14 years old, and some of my friends are Umie-unnie, Maij-unnie, Autumn-unnie, and Ann-unnie. Plus my favorite dongsaeng, my Distraction-babe! So yes, it’s really me.
Before I address the more serious topic of how this happened and what I’m going to do about it, I want to send out a sincere word of thanks to all the people who supported me through these past days. I know that this entire issue got resolved fairly quickly compared to how long it could have taken, but I think that’s because I personally knew the girl who hacked my account.
Many, many thanks to Sarah (silasignite) because she was the first person I ran to when I found out about all this, and she commented on that post first and completely screamed at the hacker and supported me. And she always came to my blog on tumblr and asked how I was doing and everything. She's so protective of her friends, it really made me happy.
And really, I’d make paragraphs for each and every one of you who supported me, but I don’t think I could write enough. Words can’t even explain how happy and uplifted each and every one of your comments made me feel, even if have of it was hating on my hacker. It just showed you care, and that means so much to me.
I would list all of you here, but I’ve already deleted that post and with it, the comments, so unfortunately, I can’t. All of you, regardless of whether I’ve talked to you or not, whether you were a silent reader and I didn’t know you read my fic, and whether you came because of Sarah or from whatever other source, made me get out of the depression that was threatening to overwhelm me.
As a lot of you must know, writing is my life. It’s an emotional outlet for me, and each of my fics carry a voice with them, that I hope you all can hear. My fics are just me in a fanfic form. They hold my emotion, my raw emotion, whether it be romance, humor, angst, drama… it’s all me. Which is why when I was hacked, I was devastated. I don’t know how I can explain what I felt… it just felt unreal, somehow. I was forced to write, a horrible thing to happen, but I couldn’t call her bluff -I wouldn’t- so I wrote you another chapter. But all the same, my motivation disappeared, my inspiration went with it. I was lost, but I pulled through.
Chapter 4 is obviously not the best thing I’ve written. Some comments gave me positive feedback, while others were just plain confused. (I’m going to go there to reply after this.) I didn’t explain as much as I wanted, in full detail, so much of the explanations are moving onto Chapter 5, not how I planned it, but I’m hoping it will work out. Personally, I just don’t have the heart to rewrite Chapter 4.
But anyway, I’m so grateful towards everyone. To know that you care so much… it’s really sweet, and I can’t express it enough. Thank you! Now to turn to the more serious point of this; I’m not sure what I’m going to do now. Truly, I’m still disappointed, and scared.
I don’t know if any of you understand, but I hope you do. To have my life, my creations… the things I value like they’re my own children taken away… being forced to do something I love against my will to save them. To be put in that horrible, helpless position of my little babies being held hostage… I was so, so, so scared. I’m sure that none of you even want to know how much time I spent crying.
I nearly gave up at one point. Sure, this entire mess lasted only two or three days… but the sheer desperation… I was forced to write what I didn’t want to write. My writing became choppy and it didn’t flow properly. Rereading what I wrote, and seeing what I had become: disoriented, confused, unharmonious… it was shocking and disturbing. I don’t know if anyone else sees what I do when they look at Chapter 4, but to me, that chapter wasn’t written well. It didn’t take the path I wanted it to, and under the pain that was written, I could sense the desperation behind it all. It seemed rushed, and that’s the one thing I want to avoid at all costs.
I’ve also heard from a few people (not mentioning who) that some people are convinced that this entire thing was a publicity stunt; that I was the one who “hacked” my account. It’s not a stupid thing to say, because I’ve seen it done before, plus it would work, if that were my intentions. I gained a lot more popularity in these few days, but I didn’t do this myself. For those of you who know me well, you should know that I’m a trustworthy person. You know that, right? And for those of you who don’t know me that well, I hope we can become closer friends and you’ll learn that I’m a good person, too. Especially because we’re all online and don’t know each other in real life, I really want to upkeep my image of being a nice person. I’m not evil, manipulative, and I don’t do things like publicity stunts and lie about things that would be just so… wrong.
Really, I’m just overwhelmed right now. The feelings of depression, of anxiety, haven’t disappeared, even though I have my account back. So I’m calling on a break. I’m sorry to announce this, but I’m going on an indefinitely long writing hiatus. “Writing hiatus” because I’ll be here to comment and read and spot like usual… but I won’t be writing for a while. I don’t know how long it will take before I’m ready to return to writing fanfics, but until then, I’m on a writing hiatus.
I’m not leaving completely though, so when I do return, I’ve been debating whether or not I should friend-lock Lovelessly Loved. However, it’s really a hard choice for me because I don’t want to limit the number of people who can read this. But it would also give the opportunity to at least narrow it down if something happened to that particular fic again. And I’d also like to meet all my readers, and a friending policy would be the perfect way to do that… I’m not sure, but we’ll have to see.
For those of you who still haven’t received your holiday fics (lovehyuk_suju) (maiki_rashu) (nuee) (sujufied), I sincerely apologize, but I most likely will not be writing those. I don’t have the motivation to write anything at all right now, and for how long this phase is going to last, I don’t know. My rule was that the holiday fics wouldn’t run past February, so depending on whether or not I have time (including school work, family life, etc.), I’ll write it for you or not. Again, I’m really sorry.
I’m sure there are updates I’m yet to catch up on, so if you’ve updated in the time I was gone, drop me a comment and link me! Also, for anyone who added me during the time when I was gone, I’ll be adding you back whenever I have time (there’s no friending policy, but feel free to introduce yourself), or want to add me now that I’m back (because I saw some comments about that), then please feel free to do so now!
I might not frequent LJ as much, either, because my grades slipped during this week because I had five major tests that I couldn’t concentrate enough to study for. I have a really low A average in math, and we’re reading Great Expectations in English… and I really need to work to keep my grades up and at all A’s.
Again, feel free to talk to me on tumblr, or you can message me here on LJ, drop me a comment, etc. I will reply fairly quickly, unless I’m sleeping. Haha, what am I saying? You all know this! It’s like I’m starting all over. What an odd feeling…
Anyway, thank you all so much. I really appreciate it.
Also, after a bit (a few weeks or so), I'll remove this post from the "fic: lovelessly loved" tag, so that that tag page is nothing but the actual chapters. I just wanted to tag this like this because it has something to do with that fic, and I want all my readers to know everything about what's happening in accordance to it.
--Seri.