it's a long one...
it's been really weird for me lately. the weekend i was back from my trip, i went through too many sessions of inquiries, my family asking me what my father said to me. and my answer was simply "nada." it seemed as though i didn't want to share any of the details with my family, but the reality is that we spoke about nothing substantial. i don't know what i expected... no, i did expect much awkwardness; i wished for something totally different though... it's too embarrassing to admit... but whatever, my life is an open book in all aspects except the important ones, so why not attempt to inform you all now? i guess i was wishing i could have a dad all of sudden. quite silly, i know... i'm a selfish person and this just tops it. i can't shake off the guilt from wanting some connection with this man after all the crap he did to my mom... and me, i guess. it's weird, because i met a lot of relatives, including my grandfather, who seemed super loving... so i returned to LA with this sweet picture of all the relatives, they were sooo nice to me... and after telling my aunt about how cool these people were, my aunt starts telling me about how fucked up the family had been to her and my mom... and the guilt sinks in again. am i supposed to not like these people anymore? i'd hate to think of it, but when my grandmother is gone, will the connections to these folk continue to exist? is it worth it to even attempt to keep them? it's funny how all someone needs to tell me is "hey, you two are related" and i start filling up with love... it's some weird desire to mimic the large family reunions i see in movies. too much has come from this trip. it was only one week, for goodness sake! and that was more than enough to open up a whole new stream of... important stuff. last night i had the first opportunity to talk to a friend about all of this. i had a chance to speak to adam earlier but i just wasn't ready yet... anyway, i had sandra listening to me and she reminded me of how awesome my mom, aunt, and grandmother were for getting me through life so well. and it was comforting to hear about her experience meeting her father. a thought crossed my mind and it bugged me... the only reason i'm tripping about wanting a father is because people/society/the world/i-don't-know-what has told me i needed one... but i've been fine without one... in fact, i probably would have a shitty life in el salvador if i had had one .. sandra was fine, too... in spite of all the facts, i can't seem to convince myself yet. if anything came out of this trip, it's a huge understanding of all that should mean the world to me but which i've been avoiding to keep from dealing with any sadness: family. my aunt spoke to me a lot about the family history. you know, as our country falls into greater stupidity and ruin, she seems to come out as more and more radical (by country i mean el salvador... her and i are the only ones in my immediate & un"traditional" family who aren't US citizens yet... except she's got a better shot at it, she's married to one. and radical is a major stretch... really, she wishes for what most ppl wish for, peace, justice, and an end to poverty) ... well, she's the most willing to talk to me about life during the war. and she told me a whole lot about what went down in the family... i swear, a soap opera should be made from this. well, a lot of stressful good has come from my super short trip, i guess. this is ridiculous, it was just one week! wtf?!
anyway, add to all of that (congrats if you read through it) an annoying cold and a terrifying mixture of lethargy and pointlessness. i've got nothing to do now and no money and it is driving me mad. even more frightening was the fact that there wasn't much of an urgency to fix the situation this week. i don't know what's wrong with me. but i'm getting back into the swing of things... i mean, i'm updating my LJ, that's a start.. *insert nervous chuckle* *sigh* i feel stupid for writing this but really, without school and all the craziness of activities, i'm missing the point of my existence... that came out wrong... i guess it's that buzz of activity... that's what i need... i can't exist happily without being busy... that's just me... i have to be organizing something, have things penciled in weeks in advance... lol, now my friends ask when i'm available to hang out and i bluntly respond with "i'm free all week, i have nothing to do." and that's not totally true, there's a bunch of stuff for me to do, i have a long list of things to do during my time off... like finally unpacking my boxes. but it's just that, stuff... nothing super important, i guess. i kinda wish i wanted to be like a lawyer and have a clear goal of joining a prestigious law firm. i was tripping earlier over the stark realization that i have a bunch of dreams but no serious goals... i don't know if that makes sense. for example, my ultimate dream right now would be to have one home, all of my own, so that i'm no longer moving back and forth between houses and no longer have my belongings scattered all over the place... but i have no goals that would help me get there... like, i don't know what i want to be doing in order to make the money to get myself such a home. aghhh!!!! now this is all just the boogie whining of a priviliged idiot (priviliged is a stretch too, but compared to the life i now know i could have had in el salvador with a father, this one fits the description). i'm glad i'm getting annoyed with myself. it means i'm making progress on my road to normality. anthony cheered me up earlier the other night and told me my goal was to make money... and he reminded me that i had a ton of places where i want to volunteer... and he reassured me that a few life-changing events would be tiresome. he brought it all into perspective for me. he's such a sweetheart.
so, major life stuff out of the way, the little things that remain are semi interesting. i had an eye exam on monday and the doctor was kinda upset with me. i was down to my last pair of contacts and had been wearing them for way too long. and not taking good care of my eyes. my left eye was irritated a bit and my cornea was scratched. and i had no glasses to wear instead (i can't believe i lost them right after buying them, they were nice and expensive, ugh!). yeah yeah, i know, i needed the scolding. my eyesight was terrible with my old pair of contacts! i'm so happy i finally saw a doctor. yay, my astigmatism will finally be corrected! haha, i'm a dork again... so close to being my normal self! well, i ordered a new pair of glasses... yay! lol and in my desparate need to let my eyes heal, i super-glued a broken pair of frames from high school... dude, these were my favorite glasses ever! super nerdy and unique. i love them! so me seeing the doctor was great but it meant i had to cancel with the cute blonde boy who actually has brown hair... and i think he might have thought i blew him off cuz he didn't call again. so that sucked. but i was sick and blind and depressed, i would have been awful company anyway. not sure if i should call him. eh. you know, for the first time in a long while, men as romantic interests are not very important in my life. nor is partying. and it feels good this way. i had my fill of both in new haven last month. yo, my sister now gets the paper delivered to the house (something i've always wanted) and i found this article in it the other day L.A. Unified Sued Over Race Issues. the upset OC parents are the same ones i read about earlier this year... and i became infuriated all over again. made me remember this post. their story is under the broken link "School Boundaries Often Lines in the Sand"... they were upset that brown kids would be attending the same schools their kids would be attending. hence my rage. thank goodness, life is sneaking back into me again! well, hinting at el Movimiento, i joined my sister this week for a MEChA de CSUN fundraiser that didn't quite happen... the plan was to get paid for gathering a bunch of Mechistas and friends to attend a taping of a sitcom, this time it was "According to Jim". $14 per person! man, i wish there was a Hollywood in Connecticut... MEChA de Yale would totally cash in! oh! i donated blood today! and i didn't faint this time! but i was super weak and lightheaded. and apparently i was kinda dehydrated and have small veins in my right arm so my blood flowed slowly and thickly (which is strangely cool) and my arm had to stay in a certain position to keep the needle from moving and clotting... ugh, now i feel faint from thinking about it. anyway, my sister and i will be donating platelets soon. i mean, i've got nothing to do, might as well save a couple of lives.