My Favorite Nightmare
I hadn’t even tried to see him in three years- it hurt too much. I wasn’t even sure how I was going to face him now but since his brother called me, I felt obligated to swallow my pain and go. His brother LOATHED me so I knew it must be important. Despite the fact I received no details more than where to go, I went. I loaded up my car, no questions asked, and lied to my wife to go see my former lover. She wouldn’t understand, I knew that, but I was okay with it. Neither of us made an issue to bring up my past and I not only liked it that way, I PREFERRED it that way. As I pulled into the parking lot of Denny’s, I took a deep breath. I wasn’t sure if I could even handle seeing his brother after what had happened so I definitely didn’t know if I was ready to see him again.
As I walked into the chill of the restaurant, I rubbed my arms and looked around. I had no clue what he drove so I just had to see if anyone looked familiar. Just when I thought I might have beat him there, I felt that familiar icy stare. Turning to my left, I saw those crystal blue eyes shooting daggers right through me. I sauntered over slowly and took a seat across from him, unsure of what to say. Luckily for me, the waitress came to take my drink order. He took a sip of his coffee and broke the ice for me. “Been awhile,” he mumbled, unemotionally.
“Yeah, I barely recognized you,” I replied, noticing suddenly how dry my mouth was. “How’s work?”
“Slow but fulfilling.”
“That’s incredible. Sometimes it seems that being truly happy with your craft is the hardest part to achieve.”
“For the first time in years I’m feeling inspired again,” he spoke quietly. “But I’m not here for small talk.”
“I didn’t figure,” I mumble. “How is he?”
“He’s doing okay I guess. Took him awhile but he’s doing okay.”
“Then why did you call me?” I questioned. “I’m not sure I understand.”
“I want you to see how happy he is without you,” he spat coldly. I felt a lump form in my throat as he grinned, sipping his coffee.
“If I had known these were the mind games you were playing, I could have saved myself the trip,” I retorted in a small, angry tone. I threw a few bucks down beside my empty cup and stood.
“Alright there may be something else,” he confessed, grabbing my arm. “He’s been having these nightmares…” I sat down, swallowing hard. I remembered when he used to have those terrors; he’d wake up screaming, sometimes crying. And there would be some nights he just wouldn’t sleep at all. My heart broke for him every time and I would consistently sit awake with him into all hours of the night, talking and holding him until the sun rose. Occasionally he’d sleep then, but I could recall times he just stayed awake for days at a time. I hated going on tour because I worried myself sick; I hated not being there with him when he got like that.
“Nightmares?” I squeaked out, trying to act like I had no idea what Scott was talking about. “About what?”
“I’m not sure. But Clint said he can hear him crying out for you in the middle of the night. Luckily Amanda is in Canada visiting family right now. Jesus, could you imagine having to explain that?”
“So what am I supposed to do exactly?”
“Fix him? Hell I don’t know, Zac. But trust me, I’ve exhausted my options. I didn’t want this any more than you do. But I’m worried about my brother and for some reason his subconscious needs you. So I need your help.”
“I’ll talk to him tomorrow then I guess. I should grab a room down the road; I’ve been driving for almost 12 straight hours and I’m exhausted,” I informed Scott.
“Alright, well there’s a hotel like 2 miles from where the twins are living now. I’m going right by it if you want to follow me,” he offered.
That whole night, I was barely able to sleep. I kept tossing and turning so I grabbed my iPod and flipped on some music. I may not have spoken to him in over three years but I still kept tabs on him. I closed my eyes and listened to the vocals of the twins as they sang
Lingering,
Like a song that’s always playin
Even when the music’s miles away from me
And I can sing,
Every minute, every moment, every touch
And everywhere I look I see
Baby your love will be lingering
I smiled to myself, unsure of why. Maybe part of me hoped that was his way of letting me know he never forgot me. Of course I realized how ridiculous that was, but a huge part of me didn’t care. I turned on their playlist and finally drifted off to sleep.
The next day I was a nervous wreck. I was surprised I didn’t fall in the shower because I was shaking so much. I could barely eat (which was odd for me) and my hands were shaky as I handed my card to the clerk at the desk. I felt almost dizzy as I made my way up to the door I was hoping was the right one. I wasn’t sure how I even made it to their drive. I found my courage and knocked. Waiting felt like an eternity and when the door finally opened, I was looking into those gorgeous brown eyes. My stomach knotted up and my mouth went dry. He was still beautiful. Sad, but beautiful.
We exchanged a look but I don’t think he knew what to say any more than I did. Years had passed and we’d both moved on… or so I’d told myself. But seeing him now, all the feelings came rushing back like a tidal wave and my knees buckled. I grabbed ahold of the porch railing to keep from collapsing. After a few moments I finally had it in me to whisper, “Hey.”
“Zac…” he choked out, stepping onto the porch. Without another word, he wrapped his arms around me and it took all I had not to throw him against the wall and kiss him hard. I felt tears threaten the back of my eyes but I forced them away long enough to enjoy the warmth of his touch. He let go and invited me in. As I slowly followed him into the house, I had a million thoughts rushing through my mind, making me dizzy. I tripped over the doorjamb and luckily regained my posture. “Do you want to sit down?” he offered, pointing to the loveseat. Blushing, I took a seat as he walked into what looked like a kitchen. Walking in with a Pepsi in each hand, he sat down on the armchair diagonal from me. I took a sip of my soda, slightly disappointed he was so far away. “So, what are you doing here? How did you find me? I moved…”
“I know. I’m sorry… I hope it’s okay that I showed up.”
“I’m just really surprised…”
“Want a bigger surprise? I’m here because Scott invited me.”
“He.. uh..hmm,” Bob stammered in shock.
“Yeah… that was my reaction too.”
“But why?”
“Said you were having those nightmares again.”
“Oh.” We were both quiet as I sipped my soda. “That doesn’t explain why he called you.”
“Apparently you’ve been calling out for me…” I explained. I saw the blush creep up in his cheeks. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m… well… you know how they get,” he said quietly. “I hate them Zac. I had been doing so well and I hadn’t had them for so long and…” He put his hand over his mouth as if it would stop the tears that I could see prickling in his eyes. “I thought I was fine, that all that shit was behind me, but…”
“Hey, it happens. We all have our demons.”
“But why do some of us get haunted worse than everyone else?” he asked. I had no good answer for that. Honestly I had no answer at all.
“So can I use the bathroom?” I asked, desperate for a subject change. I didn’t really have to go but followed my friend back the hall to a moderately sized lavatory. As I politely thanked him, I locked the door and took a look at myself in the mirror. Luckily I didn’t look as bad as I felt. Splashing some cool water on my face, I took a deep breath and rejoined Bob in the living room. On my way out the hall, I noticed a few framed photographs staggered on the wall. Out of nothing more than sheer curiosity I took a look at them all. Quite a few of him with his brothers, two of his grandparents, his mom and stepdad, Frank (his father), and finally there, among the others, was one of him and who I presumed was his now wife. She was a pretty, slender girl with bright eyes. I noticed how happy they seemed and I wanted to vomit. Immature maybe but I still hoped he was pining away for me at some point over the years. And unfortunately for me, he seemed like he really was leading a perfectly happy life without me in it. “So look, Bob…” I started to say as I walked out the hall, “if you want me to leave…” I stopped short when I saw Clint standing beside his twin in the kitchen.
“Zac,” he greeted me solemnly.
“Clint… hi,” I replied. Unsure of what to do next, I stood awkwardly with them for a few moments as they whispered. I was always baffled by their “secret language”. Taylor and I were pretty good about communicating without talking but these two were ridiculous. After enough awkward silence, I resumed my spot in the living room, casually sipping my Pepsi, until Bob rejoined me. “So, like I was saying, if you’re alright, I can leave. I was just concerned when Scott called and-“
“You drove all this way, you could at least hang out a few days.”
“Until your wife gets back, right?” I spat. He seemed taken aback and stammered over what to say. “Look it’s fine, really. I’m sorry. She seems very nice.”
“She is…” he responded in a whisper, wringing his hands. He was nervous. Why? “We can grab some lunch, catch up. I can swing by the liquor store & we’ll look through old pictures tonight. What do you say?”
“I say it sounds like you’re reaching. Bob it’s fine really,” I replied, staring at my feet, fighting the urge to cry. “I am a grown man; I can accept you don’t need me anymore.”
“But I do need you,” he declared. His voice was shaky. I glanced up to see he was looking directly into my eyes, sitting at my feet. “Things that important don’t just suddenly change.”
“Even after what happened between us?”
He drew in a sharp breath. “That’s in the past. And we both know the less the past is brought to light the better.” Those eyes were cutting right through me, like always and I forgot any inhibitions I’d had. I kissed him. All my anxiety faded when he slid his tongue across my lower lip. Deepening our kiss, I felt Bob run his hands up my thighs. Although it had not even been part of my plan coming here, I wasn’t about to stop. I slid off the chair to be face to face with him on the living room floor without ever pulling our lips apart. My hands traveled up his arms- a part of him I always loved- as his tangled themselves in my hair. He tugged just a little… he must have remembered how much it turned me on. Things went in a blur and when I stopped to breathe, I was in his bed underneath him and we were both shirtless.
”A-are you sure about this?” I panted, trying my best to still be the good guy. Without a word, he dipped his head down to plant kisses along my collarbone as his fingers skillfully unzipped my jeans. I hadn’t been touched the way he touches me in a VERY long time. I loved Kate and she was a great partner but there was always something about Bob’s hands… I lifted my hips so that he could slide my jeans and boxers off. We used to have it down to a science. Now it wasn’t quite as smooth but we moved relatively in sync. I groaned as he licked my throat and rubbed his cock against mine. I hadn’t slept with a guy since we broke up so I was sure I was going to be hurting pretty badly because I remembered Bob bottomed for no one. I pushed the fear of pain to the back of my mind because I knew he was worth it. All of it.
I slid my hands up the length of his arms as he leaned down to kiss me once again. I was already hard and he had barely touched me. His callused hand wrapped itself around my erection and began its torture- agonizingly slow pumping. I involuntarily grunted when he squeezed my sac and I felt him smile against my lips. I took a chance and bit down on his bottom lip- HARD. I felt his cock twitch between us and I tasted the familiar copper taste of blood. I raked my nails down his back as deliberately as I could as I felt him rub his dick around my opening. “Bob,” I whispered, tensing up.
“Need a little help?” he asked, understanding. I nodded, biting my lip and blushing. He hopped off me to dig through a drawer. When he clambered back onto the bed, he was holding a condom and the KY. Flipping me over onto my stomach, he squirted some into his hand and leisurely rubbed it on his erection, purposefully arousing me even further. Then he grinned and repeated the action on me before sliding a slippery finger into me. I handled one quite well and even two, but when he inserted the third and began scissoring them, I couldn’t help but squirm. His hand came down hard across my ass, startling and arousing me simultaneously. As I attempted to look at him over my shoulder, I felt him spread my ass cheeks apart and slowly insert the tip of his penis. He was still for a minute, allowing me to adjust. “Damn you’re tight,” he commented in a sexy growl before pushing further into me. I don’t know why that turned me on so much but I had to reach down and rub myself.
I managed to brace myself on all fours while he pushed himself in almost the whole way. We both needed a minute to just revel in the feeling we’d missed so much. He pulled out, making me whimper. “Bob…” I almost screamed as he plowed back into me again. I became accustomed to the sensation after awhile and finally reached down and grabbed my dick. As he thrust himself in and out of my opening, I pumped myself, trying in vain to match thrusts. I felt his fingers dig deep into my hips as he quickened pace then slowed again. “Can I roll over to watch you?” I begged. I knew it sounded pathetic and frankly I didn’t care. He stopped, disgruntled and almost flipped me onto my back. Pulling my legs up onto his, I was now in his lap, riding him. I kissed him hard again as his hand found its way to my erection once more. As he pumped me, I moved up and down, head in a blur. I bit down hard on the tender flesh of his neck until I knew he was bleeding. I pulled his hair, left scratches down his back… I was physically tearing him apart. But the more I got into it, the closer to the edge he would get. Finally I felt the familiar tingling in my groin as I hit my climax. Shuddering, I released my seed all over both of us. He grabbed ahold of my hips and thrust up as hard as he could, orgasm overcoming his senses. After he let go of me, I collapsed back onto the cool sheets.
I woke up, curled up beside Bob. I hadn’t realized I’d even fallen asleep but I’m glad it hadn’t been a dream. I knew that this was it. Our final goodbye. A nightmare that had been haunting me for years. He lie beside me, clotted blood and scratches and all; yet he was still gorgeous. Time had changed us both but somewhere in this moment I could still see Bob as he’d been. Just then his face contorted and his muscles tightened. I knew the terrors were about to start so I pulled him in close to my chest and began to soothe his hair back. I felt a hot, wet tear land on my shoulder. “Shhh Bob, it’s okay, I’m here baby.”
“But you can’t stay,” he sobbed. It was then I realized he wasn’t asleep.”I’ve missed you so much Zac…”
I felt my throat tighten. “I know. I’ve missed you too. And I’m sorry about everything.” His arms wrapped tighter around my middle as he sniffled. “Letting this go has been a nightmare for me…”
“It’s hell.”
“But its my favorite nightmare,” I confessed. “Because at least I get to be with you one more time.”
“This probably wasn’t the best idea. Because now I have to watch you leave a second time. I barely made it through the first.”
“You’re stronger than you think. Besides, now you have your wife.”
“I suppose…” I knew he was trying to be convincing. For my sake and his own so I said nothing else, just lie there with him, mind racing. Should I sneak out while he’s asleep? Or wait for a pain-filled goodbye? What would hurt less?