i never thought we'd be here...
Here is the annual it's New Year's Eve, let's spill about the past year entry. I'm doubting any of yo uwill read your way all the way through it, but if you do let me know, cuz major props to you. Otherwise, just skim through it til you see something you might care about haha.
Once again, it has been a year that hasn't failed me. I started this year out great, with a boyfriend who loved me. I had a mom that I was completely oblivious to her habits. I had friends that looked out for me. I've ended this year with an ex-boyfriend who is scared half to death, a drunken/smoking mother and friends that I party with every week, but still look out for me for the most part.
I gained a wonderful new friend :) JESSICAA!! Haha I love that girl to death, I really do. She can make me happy when I'm sad and she always knows what I am going through. She herself has been through so much and even though it makes her sad and stuff, look at her she still gets through it alive :) And that is all that matters. We have gone through so much together this year... a lot more than most friends go through together in years. We had the perfect boyfriends who loved us and who we loved in return and they were even friends, too. We got to experience that together. We got to experience a very crazy Summer, which wasn't a particularly good one for Jessica. But guess what, she got through it and I was there to help her. When Brett and I broke up, words can't even describe the devastation that I endured. But Jessica was there and not only was she always waiting for me to just rant to her or cry to her or whatever it was, she knew exactly how I felt because it hadn't been long ago that the same thing happened to her. I can't even count the times we've ended up on the phone sobbing, every time us not hanging up until I was sitting in her driveway waiting for her to come out so we could talk in person. I love you Jessica Tracy and this is a friendship that won't ever end! It can't, cuz we will be living together in less than 2 short years!
AMANDA CHANDLER I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. Not only do I tell you everything and feel comfortable doing it, but you actually make it seem like you genuinely care what I am telling you about. I would not have gotten through these past couple of months without you, let me say. And I hope you know you can do the same to me. Plus I'm just so damn amazed by you lol. You are completely selfless and you help other people out number one way more than they help you and number two when you completely don't even need to at all. And you are very very very independent. I don't know any other 17 year old that can buy a 2001 mustang gt all by themselves. And how over break you are working two jobs mon-fri? That is wildly insane and I love it! AND YOU!
I still kept old friends, though!! Angel for instance! I feel like I've known her forever (in a good way) but it's only been like 2 years! Oh geez both of us have been through a lot this year. And we have some crazy ass times lol. Let's see this year what kind of boys did Angel go through? hahah a lot but only one that she actually went out with!! ... and then dumped a week later! But this is why I love her so much. She knows what she wants and she does it. She knows how to make me feel better, and she knows whenever anything is wrong. All it takes is for her to look at me, whether I look like I always do or complete hell, she knows there is something wrong. She's not afraid to tell me when I'm being stupid or when I'm wrong, or even when I'm completely right. But most of all, I admire this girl so damn much. She has goals, and she reaches them. And honestly, I don't know how she does it. I don't know how she handles all this lacrosse and school and stress and running and her mom constantly wanting more and still getting a better grade than almost everyone in the hardest class in the country. It's just freakin amazing and I wish so bad that I had the ambition that this girl does... if any of my friends are wildly successful when they grow up, I'm expecting it to be her! I love you smalls :)
This year was my first heartbreak. A heartbreak that I'm not yet over. And I don't care who gets pissed at me over it or who wants to tell me 'I told you so' or any shit like that. Because this isn't my fault. I was so happy for almost this entire year. So unbelievably blissful and in love. I couldn't even tell people how I felt, because it was just that. I couldn't. Humanly impossible, no words to describe it. And now I find myself trying to describe to people what it felt like to be left like I was left, but the same thing happens. I can't. I always go to say that I was devastated, but I'm always thinking in my head what a huge understatement there is. It's one of those things you just have to experience to know. Hah it's weird how that works. Maybe eventually this will get better. At least, that is what I'm hoping for. Starting out this year I was so happy, so confident, so sure of everything. And now, I rarely feel genuinely happy. The only times I do are when I'm with him, when I can feel that there is still something there. Although I don't like, hate myself, I'm not as confident as I once was. Yeah I can leave the house looking like complete shit totally unshowered and disgusting, even go hang out with people like that, but that is not a product of confidence. That is the product of just not even caring anymore. I really don't, I don't care. Hah and sure of everything? Yeah right. And not even all of that goes back to him. But the part that does is about love. About happiness, about that everlasting feeling.Yes, love exists. And so does happiness. Those are just two things that are a lot more sparse than I originally thought them to be. In order to be happy, you need to know what sadness is. Which is what I know best right now, making me fully aware of what happiness is and why it is so good. And how I took such advantage of it, which never will I do again. In order to feel love, you need to feel heartbreak. Which I also know pretty well by now, showing me what love really is. How good it is despite the fights and the uncertainty that might sometimes come along with it. That "everlasting feeling" is very hard to find. It's hard to find that one person that you know you will be in complete love with for the rest of your life. And while I know for an absolute fact that I will always always ALWAYS love Brett Burns, who knows if I will be IN love with him for the rest of forever. Maybe I will, and maybe I won't, that's just one of the many things I'm unsure of right now. Which is ironic, seeing as one of very, VERY few things I am sure of in this life at this very moment is that right now I do love him and I do want to be with him, and that he is the only one that feels right. Like I've said before, I know there's still something there, and so does he. But what needs to happen is getting over the fear. And it will, I just need to give it time.
It's been a rough year with me and my mom. I didn't know how bad off she was. She literally had like no money. But what does she do? Me and my sisters will be at her house and she will go upstairs to "the bathroom" and actually be smoking a cigarette, trying to hide it from us. There was a time I actually walked in the house when she obviously wasn't expecting me to, and saw her sitting at the table smoking. I wouldn't have a problem with it if she wouldn't lie or hide it from us. She shows up to my confirmation not only late, but drunk. Drunk. In a church. And then lies about that. Skips out on my choir concerts or birthdays to go out drinking with her friends, then doesn't remember anything I said to her on the phone that night. She thinks she still has right to tell me how to live my life when number one she's not even ever around to see it and number two never even asks me about my life anyways so what's it matter to her? Maybe one day she will finally see that she is messing up huge right now. And when I'm an adult, I won't be as afraid of her. I'll actually be able to stand up for myself and tell her that what she has been doing is wrong and has affected me more than she thinks.
Some things never change. I'm still that person that everyone thinks they can walk all over. Most of that being my fault, cuz I normally don't say anything. The major thing that I am unsure about as this year is coming to its close is my friends. With almost all of them I have to play that game of who hates Sarah today. Who do I have to stay away from today and various other questions of that nature. One of my new year's promises to myself is to learn how to say something. Because if I don't say anything to the people who are bitches to me for no reason or to the ones who ditch me repeatedly and don't even care, it's going to keep happening. And quite frankly, I'm tired of all of it and I've been so close to going off on 99.9% of you, but stopped myself. And the sad thing is, it doesn't make me think less of you guys or make me love you guys less, it makes me doubt myself, like there is something that you guys don't like about me and just won't tell me.
Scandals haha oh god 2005 (especially the end) was full of scandals. Which is exactly what they are, so not gonna talk about them. But the people involved in any of it know who they are and what I'm talking about.
Hate. Oh I have felt more hate this year and in the past few months than I ever have in all 17 years of my existence. Especially for one certain person. Who, by the way, I am very glad that I don't hate anymore. I think it was more jealousy than hate anyways. I mean come on, the ex-boyfriend that I am obviously not over at all liked her what do you expect? BUT, she happens to be a person that I don't know how I ever hated. I can already talk to her about everything, and not only does she know what I'm going through seeing as she's dealing with the same thing as we speak, talk to me and give me advice about it, she actually tries to help me out with it all. And for that I am very appreciative. Soo I'm sure you all know who she is by now, but for the record she's a good person. We have a lot in common, too, so I can definitely see us being pretty good friends! And for thta I am excited :)
Maf. Words can't describe how helpful you have been to me. Once again, you never failed me. I can tell you things I can't tell one other person on the face of the Earth. And I have. And best of all when I say these things to you, I know nobody else will know unless I'm the one who opens my mouth. BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT! We don't hang out anywhere even close to enough. For reasons that I don't really know. But like I said before, get a job like mine. Work once every two weeks and be happy about it :) I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF and don't ever forget it!
Okay so so far I've left out most of the good stuff of this year. Like the beauutiful relationship I was in for the first 8 months of this year! I loved it, and I've never been happier. I have never once met someone who can make me as happy as that kid can, and I will never meet anyone else like him for the rest of my days alive. And I'd have to say that the best part of it all is to know that right now there is still something there, to know that we aren't completely giving up. Hah I mean do I know if we will go as far as to get back together? No, I definitely do not. Can I hope that that IS what it comes to? Yes, I most definitely can! But wishful thinking does nothing. You have to take action, you have to not only want it, but show the other and everyone else that it is what you want. And that means giving up a lot of things and activities. And that is precisely what I plan on doing right now so I can show him that I do still love him and want to be with him. Even though it's pretty pathetic, that happens to be my biggest goal for 2006.
An hour and a half later, I have come to the conclusion that this was one crazy and emotional year... now let's make an even better one! I love each and every one of you I hope you know that! But I do wish that this year nobody leaves for college. HAHA I wish.
c r y i n g section.
when was the last time you really cried your heart out? a few days ago
ever cried yourself to sleep?: many times
ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: yes
ever cried over the opposite sex?: ooohh yeah.
do you cry when you get an injury?: i normlaly just laugh
do certain songs make you cry? one that i can think of...
h a p p y section.
are you normally a happy person?: yes
what can make you happy?: friends and stuff
what makes you the happiest?: brett
can music make you happy?: of course
l o v e section.
how many times have you had your heart broken?: once
Do you still have feelings for any of your old significant others?: yes i do
Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd die for them?: i do right now
Did you ever love a guy/girl, tell them that, and only got 'thanks?: no i was scared i would tho
Has anyone besides your friends and family ever said 'i love you' to you & meant it?: yep
h a t e section.
who do you actually hate? hahaha one preson off the top of my head.
have you ever been on a hit list?: haha i hope not
are you a mean bully?: not most of the time
do you hate anyone that breaks your heart?: i wish lol
do you hate George Bush? yes
s e l f - e s t e e m section.
is your self-esteem extremely low?: haha no
do you believe in yourself?: yup
when people say they think you are pretty, do you deny you are?: i kno whow to accept the compliment but i dont like agree haha
are you happy with who you are?: right now, no.
do you wish you can be someone else?: not really