So keep on spinning, I'll stay behind
I took a sip of my latte and waited for her to finish talking. I was doing my best to listen but I already knew what I wanted to say and I just wanted her to stop talking so I could blurt it out. I wanted to hear her. Like, really take in everything she was saying because I could see just how much it was bothering her. She stopped talking and I let her take a breath then took another sip of my latte so I didn’t look so eager to interrupt.
"You know what a friend’s job is?" I didn’t even wait for a response. "It is their job to ask how you day is going. What you’ve been up to. How that project you’ve been working on is going."
You ever have those moments when you have so much to say but you have to carefully narrow down the words so it doesn’t just come across as incomprehensible word vomit? Like you have the perfect sentiment to respond with but you can’t get the words out of your mouth fast enough.
As calm as I could be, I said, “What I realized was that so many of the people I had thought were friends were simply people who I had shared common interests with. That the people you call friends should complement your life and inspire you and motivate you and care about how your life is going. Not just sit around and discuss bands and drama.”
The older we get, the more intelligent we become. Because we’re all curious people with a desire to learn and try and simply by following that pattern we are destined to become better people over time. The longer we stay curious and refuse to allow addictions to impede our emotional evolution, we will continue to make realizations and grow as a person. And another side-effect of this is gaining confidence. And the more confidence we have, the less we listen to those insecurities that live in our head and our hearts. And the more we do that, the more the room brightens and we begin to see the people we have surrounded ourselves more clearly. And sometimes we realize that we have surrounded ourselves with people to make us feel less alone. And there’s nothing wrong with that because we all needed it at some point and I guess they just stuck around because they never wanted to go out alone. We needed people to listen, to be there when we were down. To pick us up and cry with us and make us feel better about our short-comings. There is a decent sized list of people, without whom I would not be alive right now.
And those people were and are my friends. Those ones stayed - they didn’t simply stick around. They made the cut. Because they asked. They genuinely cared about me and my well-being and helped me out when I needed to be picked up.
Unfortunately, the majority of people I have called friends throughout my life have been nothing more than acquaintances with similar tastes in music. And sometimes music was a lucky coincidence to connect with an amazing human being, but most of the time it was simply another person to add to the list of “people who keep me company while I’m bored.”
I understand that most of you have lost friends along the way. Sometimes it hurts just as bad as a break up. Sometimes it made you feel more alone. And sometimes you just wanted things to go back to normal. But I want to let you know that it’s okay to outgrow people. Just because someone has been your friend for years, doesn’t mean that you should feel any obligation to keep them around if they have become negative or toxic. If they no longer ask about your day, your life, and the projects you’ve been working on, well then I hate to tell you - you’re not their friend anymore. And sometimes we’re the last ones to know.
The great thing about the light and clarity is that you will find yourself with new friends. Stronger bonds. People who you no longer have to wonder if they are your friend because they are excited to share in your life. People who have different beliefs and musical tastes and it won’t matter because they want to be there if you fall. And people who know that sometimes interrupting tattooed punk rock dudes who are so excited to have the opportunity to help you make sense of life actually look forward to your late night drunken phone calls.
Because that’s what friends are for.
I needed to keep this somewhere. It is so many of my thoughts that have been swimming around for longer than you'll ever need to know. It is the words I couldn't quite string together in text, beyond conversation where some of these exact sentances have been spoken.
I've never been any good at compartmentalizing friends. Judging strangers? Too easy! But people who have a lot of friends also have a lot of "friends," those people take the time to use those different personalities in their life for specific purposes. You're good for the party, so I call you to go out. He's good at giving me attention so when I'm needy he's who I call. She's someone I talk out my feelings with. This isn't something I've ever had the patientce to do. Having a lot of friends was always too hard because this compartmentalization was needed.
I'm too needy but I know what I want. I've always wanted everything from each individual in my life. We should be able to hang out and laugh but also talk about life and family and the future.
Now, although I know that's what I've always wanted, and I try too hard to make that work, it doesn't. It doesn't work yet because some of these people are still the convenient ones. Or the time-stretched ones. It's only a matter of time before those things disinigrate completely. Some of them already have in my mind but the few unavoidable strands still hang on. For now.
Despite my loyalty game that runs too strong, I'm pretty good at letting things go. Don't let the few things I haven't been able to shake speak for my ability to detach myself from the morfed unncessary, I can do it with minimal complication. But. But finding the replacement is where it all goes to shit. I've never in my life made a smooth transition from one to the next, there is always a period of searching, and that part is the challenge. It always gets worse before it gets better. This topic in particular I have been being challenged with for, again, longer than you'll ever need to know.
Thanks, Chris. One of those too perfect right time/right place kind of sentiments.