#20 Thoughts After
Title: Thoughts After
Prompt: #20
Author: Anonymous
Pairing(s): Suho/Sehun, Chen/Kyungsoo, Xiumin/Luhan
Rating: PG-13
Genre (s): slice of life!au, romance
Length: 3.949 words
Summary: Joonmyun taking a short trip down memory lane ft. Sehun
Warning(s): -
Author’s note: I just hope I did justice to the prompt! Have a great summer everyone~
Loud yelling woke him up. “You don’t love me! If you did, you’d never do what you did!”, “You’re overreacting now, aren’t you? Always making things out to be greater than they actually are.” He heard two voices saying. He tried to get up in order to get to the source of the yelling. Immediately, he fell back on the bed, feeling really dizzy and his head in pain. His eyes stung. He tried to get up again, this time more slowly.
Lots of clothes were scattered across the room. He headed to the bathroom. As soon as he stepped inside, he realized the floor was damp. The lights were on and the mirror was smeared with a purple substance. He washed his face and noticed his reflection in the mirror -well, parts of it-. He looked -and felt- really tired.
Upon entering the living room, he noticed the TV was on. Apparently, the yelling was coming from the TV. He looked around the room. A mess. He expected things to get out of hand but not to this extent. How it came down to this? He tried to go back, back to where everything originated from. Wayyy back….
~~~
The black haired man had been observing the brown haired one for a long time, sneaking glances at him every now and then. The latter was sitting in a couch, leaning forward and staring either at the floor or the ceiling every now and then, while taking sips from his glass, seemingly lost in thoughts. He’s been like that for quite a long time, but none other than Sehun seemed to have noticed. That was by no means a surprise, since most of the people were drunk or danced fervently, some were making out too.
Due to the dim lights and thus the room being rather dark, Sehun couldn’t be sure if his guess was right. He couldn’t make the man’s facial characteristics out at all. After a short inner debate of whether should Sehun approach the man and talk to him or not, he decided to take the chance and approach him.
“Are you feeling well?”
The sudden voice distracted Joonmyun from his thoughts. He lifted his head and saw a tall, black haired guy leaning over him. He must have seemed confused because the guy repeated, a bit louder this time:
“Are you feeling well?”
Bingo!, Sehun thought as soon as the man lifted his face. He repeated his question and the other man smiled -Such a pretty smile! Sehun thought- “I’m fine. Just a little tired” he replied. “Is that so? Then how come you came here? Or is this your first time coming in Chen and Kyungsoo’s party and you didn’t have any idea of what you were getting yourself into, like me?” Sehun said and pointed with his hand towards the rest of the people. “Not that I’m not having a good time” he quickly added before the other man replied -for all he knew, this man could be Chen’s brother. Joonmyun chuckled “Chen is my best friend, so there was no way I wouldn’t come. I’m Joonmyun by the way” he said and stretched his hand. “I’m Sehun”, Sehun said and extended his hand for a handshake. Now that he was closer, he could finally see him -Joonmyun clearly and god, he is gorgeous, Sehun thought.
“Nice to meet you, Sehun. Are you one of Kyungsoo’s friends?” Joonmyun said. “Actually, I’m Kyungsoo’s cousin” Sehun answered and sat next to Joonmyun. “I hang out a lot with Kyungsoo and he often brings Chen with him, so I’ve become friends with Chen, too. And you, since when have you been friends with Chen?” Sehun asked. “Junior high. Hasn’t Chen said anything about me?” Joonmyun jokingly said. Had he said, I’d arrange to meet you sooner, rest assured, Sehun thought to himself. “No, but to be honest it’s not like both him and Kyungsoo have a lot of chances to talk when they are out with me. You see, I’m a great talker myself.”
Joonmyun was laughing when suddenly Kyungsoo appeared and said “Oh, you met Suho”. Both lifted their faces and saw Kyungsoo standing there, an empty glass in hand and being more cheerful than in general. Sehun eyed Joonmyun confused. “It’s a nickname. My friends gave it to me because I save their asses all the time. Don’t worry, I didn’t lie to you.” Joonmyun added jokingly. Then he looked at his watch. “I should get going, gotta wake up early tomorrow”. “What? C’mon stay a little more” Kyungsoo said in a whiny tone. “Unfortunately, I can’t” said Joonmyun while getting up. “Could you maybe find Chen for me to greet him, too?” he added. Kyungsoo nodded and walked away. Meanwhile, Sehun had stood up too and was wondering what to say. Before making up his mind, Joonmyun turned to him and said with a smile “It was nice talking to you. Unfortunately, I have to go. Goodnight”. Talking? We hardly exchanged a word!! Sehun thought, “Yeah, nice talking to you, too. Goodnight” he said, smiling back. Joonmyun nodded and walked away in search of Chen.
~~~
Oh right, it was at Chen’s birthday party, though at the time Joonmyun hadn’t paid a lot of attention to his new acquaintance. He was too focused on thinking whether he should quit his then job and accept Kai’s offer. Of course, accepting Kai’s offer meant an entirely new life, a rather big change for Joonmyun -a person, who didn’t like changes. At all. But eventually he accepted the offer and now, three years after, he couldn’t have been happier he did.
It was only after they had watched a movie in the cinema together along with Chen and Kyungsoo that he started being slowly interested in Sehun - at first as a potential friend, then as a potential lover.
Joonmyun giggled. Sehun would often remark how he detested the fact that he had to tell Kyungsoo about his crush on Joonmyun so that Kyungsoo would arrange something. Back then, Sehun was sure Kyungsoo would remind him of it in every given chance (indeed, he was right). Sehun had explained that back then, he thought this was the best course of action he could take, since “you’re saying it’d be fine if I asked you out directly, only because we’re together now, back then you’d say ‘creepy’ since we hardly talked at the party.” as Sehun told everytime this subject would come up.
After their second meeting in cinema, the two of them met up a lot of times. During these meet ups they would converse about all sorts of things. Truthfully, Sehun would do most of the talking. Not that Joonmyun minded. He preferred listening to talking. The problem was Sehun minded. A lot.
~~~
It’s been five months since Sehun and Joonmyun began hanging out together. Until now everything was running smoothly. Sehun would have never guessed that the guy he had spotted a couple of times on bus, apart from being a hottie, would be a really cool person to hang around. Considerate, kind, helpful, a good listener were only some of the million good attributes Joonmyun had, according to Sehun. He definitely lived up to his “Suho” nickname.
Sehun would initially drop clues to Joonmyun every now and then to let him know he viewed him more than just a friend but Joonmyun didn’t seem to catch up on these or he’d turn them into jokes. So, at one point Sehun gave up and thought he’d be content even with them just being friends.
However, since these five months they spent a lot of time together, it was inevitable that the time would come to touch on more personal subjects. But no matter how hard Sehun tried, Joonmyun would always evade his questions that revolved around such subjects, either by joking (“Eh, why would you care about such a boring story!”) or by asking Sehun to talk about his views on said subject (“You asked first, it’s only right that you answer first as well”). When he answered like this, Sehun would give up only to be frustrated with himself when they parted ways, since every time he would come across such statements, he’d think about how the next time they’d meet up, things would definitely go his way.
As a result, there was a time when Sehun didn’t give up.
They were talking (= Sehun was answering Joonmyun’s questions) about crushes, first loves and such stuff, when Sehun asked him “What about your past love interests?” And don’t you dare change the subject” he quickly added, as he saw Joonmyun opening his mouth to talk. Joonmyun brought his hand to his chest, eyes widening “I don’t do that” he exclaimed sounding surprised. “Yeah, right” Sehun said rolling his eyes “Anyway, answer my question”. Joonmyun squinted at him. “Well.. It’s been awhile since I really liked or loved anyone.. I guess I’m not fit for it” he said laughing lightheartedly. “Ah, you’re lying again” Sehun sighed. “Why don’t you ever tell me anything about yourself? Am I that bad of a person? Have I ever done anything bad to you and I’m just not aware of it? Or do you think I’ll go around and tell everyone? Spit it out!” he continued, voice growing louder with each word, visibly angered.
Joonmyun was taken aback by the sudden outburst. “No…” he started saying “it’s not like this at all. I just..” he trailed off. “You just what? You’re always avoiding my questions when they happen to be about your feelings or personal experiences, I just can’t help thinking that it’s my fault for that and it really angers me that even so, you won’t tell me what I did wrong in order for me to fix it.” While speaking, Sehun would look at Joonmyun and the olden man would look back at him but now he was done talking, Joonmyun was looking downwards, his expression a mix of stiffness and sadness. Upon seeing him like this, Sehun wished he hadn’t said all that. He only wished to bring happiness to Joonmyun but now, before him he seemed more saddened than ever Sehun got to witness. Sehun extended his hand and grabbed Joonmyun’s. Joonmyun didn’t reciprocate the grab but he didn’t pushed away Sehun’s hand either.
Sehun took this as a positive sign. “I’m sorry…. I’m just really confused and sad when this happens. I consider us to be close, even if we haven’t known each other for a long time, so it hurts me when you can’t be openly honest with me. I don’t want to be a person in front of which you have to fake” he said while helding Joonmyun’s hand. Joonmyun was still looking down and didn’t say a thing. “If.. if it ever come down to this… I mean you feeling like you should fake your attitude while around me, I’d prefer it if you just cut all ties with me. Once again, I’m sorry.” Sehun said and lowered his eyes.
After this encounter, Joonmyun didn’t contact Sehun for awhile. Initially, Sehun wondered if this meant that Joonmyun needed a few days to think about what Sehun had said or he really decided to cut off ties with Sehun. As time passed, he was more inclined to believe it was the latter. So, his surprise was unimaginable when after almost a month Joonmyun contacted him. He sounded as cheerful as ever and told Sehun that they should meet up.
~~~
As Joonmyun walked around the living room inspecting the damages, he saw broken glass on the floor. Being careless here, could be a fatal error, he thought. Upon closer inspection, he found out it was actually a broken frame, the photo inside creased. Joonmyun lifted it and inspected the photo.
It was from their trip in Vienna, last winter. The photo being creased and all, made it difficult for someone to make out what’s in the photo, but Joonmyun knew already its content. It was him and Sehun, Sehun holding him tightly in a back hug, both of them smiling broadly in front of Schönbrunn Palace.
Joonmyun smiled thinking about the time he announced to Sehun that he was considering of spending Christmas holidays abroad, together. Sehun had been so happy! His face had lit up and he started talking way too fast -as he always did when he was excited- and went on and on about how he had never been abroad and what clothes should they take with them, how they should look up the details as soon as possible and should they go somewhere cold or somewhere hot?
In the end, these had been Joonmyun’s best holidays, maybe because of the perfect combination of being in a fantastic place with the person he loved the most.
~~~
Sure, there were times that not everything in the garden was rosy. The rockiest moment was possible when Sehun mentioned how bothered he was by the fact that Joonmyun would not disclose his feelings. Joonmyun was used to people hinting at this fact but never to directly speak about it. So it was only natural that he was taken aback by the younger man’s sudden straight forwardness.
During the period he spent away from Sehun, he thought about the Sehun’s words a lot and Sehun himself too. Joonmyun was not too fond of spontaneous people and big changes in his life. And Sehun was a mix of both. For example, because of Sehun he had tried new things, which varied from embroidering (“You should really try it! It’s really calming!!”) to skydiving (“Aren’t you curious to see the city from above? How can you compare it to a plane??) and going in a club -Joonmyun detested clubs-. Though admittedly, Joonmyun enjoyed doing all of these. At first, he thought that was because maybe his tastes have changed over the years but when he found himself in a club with some of his other friends and Sehun was not there, he concluded it was because of Sehun rather than his tastes changing.
Finally, after a lot of consideration, he concluded that Sehun was right. He should be more open about himself, even if that posed the risk of getting hurt himself.
~~~
Him not talking about his feelings was a habit that dated back to his school years. When Joonmyun entered junior high, he got separated from his close friends due to attending different schools. Initially, he thought that despite this, their friendship would remain the same as before but eventually they grew apart. During the first three years, he made a lot of efforts to stay in contact with them but he gave up when he realized that his friends did not make any effort at all.
At first, he felt frustrated, angered, immense sadness by their lack of interest. Then, he put the blame on himself for things turning this way. Had he shown a greater interest, things may had not turned out this way. After a long time he saw the fault in his ways.
His friends had realized earlier than him that people come and go out of one’s life. He just happened to not realize as early as them, thus becoming greatly attached to them. After this sudden realization, he vowed to not get attached to other person like this ever in his life.
To prevent this from happening, he put logic before emotions and shared only “harmless” info about him and his life. Every single time he felt any intense emotion regarding a situation or a person, he would try to explain logically what led him to feel that way, therefore calming himself and becoming apathetic in regards to said situation or person. This way, he avoided being gravely disappointed as well when something or someone didn’t turn out smoothly or as he expected to.
But as contradictory as it may sounds, Joonmyun still wanted to have close friends and he’d often feel the need to have a boyfriend. After such thoughts, he’d always worry about letting the other people know him, his worries, his needs and his desires. He saw that knowledge as a great vulnerability which could be proven at any time hazardous. In the end, he’d just carry on doing things his own way. He’d always conclude that was the best way to keep things going.
Sure, he was aware of his decision’s cost. He most likely would never be able to form “real” or “strong” bonds. Not that he minded. From what he had seen, he deduced that even the “realest” of bonds could be broken. But sometimes he would feel the loneliness becoming unbearable and the burden of not sharing some things becoming immense.
To make up for the lack of speaking, he would try to be the best at everything else. Consequently, people would often form a good opinion on him and view him as a reliable and good-natured individual. But all in all, most of them would always put a distance between them and Joonmyun. It was only natural since he did the same. There were a few exceptions to this, such as Chen, Joonmyun’s best friend or most recently, Sehun.
On one hand, Chen and Joonmyun’s friendship counted 10 years, so naturally the trust between them increased tremendously over the passing years and it had reached to a point in which Joonmyun was comfortable with sharing a big part of his thoughts and concerns with Chen and vice versa. The fact that Chen resembled to Joonmyun in a lot of aspects was a plus.
On the other hand, despite that Joonmyun had known Sehun barely for about six months, Sehun had already talked about a great deal of things to Joonmyun. He also was quite different from Joonmyun. It was almost a mystery to everyone how the both of them got along so well and whenever they got asked about it, they’d reply with “Opposites attract”. He was more of a talker than a listener, an extrovert, playful most of the time, it was almost impossible for him to be expressionless and became easily excited and bored, impulsive and “can’t sit down doing nothing for too long or one would think I am dead” as he said. But he also was serious when needed, responsible and thoughtful. Overall, Joonmyun liked him a lot -and although he’d never make a move, he’d often wish they could be more than just friends.
~~
As said above, none before dared to openly inquire the reason he’d not say anything, so Sehun’s outburst made him wonder if he should reflect on his current attitude.
After considering both the advantages and the disadvantages of expressing himself, he decided that it was time to change his behavior -at least towards people who have shown genuine interest towards him.
~~~
Sehun was awaken up by the sound of his cell phone ringing. He groped for it and when he found it, he glanced at the screen. It was Joonmyun. He rushed to answer and mumbled a rushed “Yes?”.
“Hi Sehun, it’s me Joonmyun. I hope I’m not disturbing you. How are you doing?” Joonmyun said, sounding cheerful.
“Oh, not at all. I’m fine... How about you?” Sehun answered.
“Just fine. I was wondering if you are free in the evening.”
“Um, I actually have planned something with a couple of friends, but I don’t think it’d pose a problem if you came.” Sehun lied. Truth to be told, he was afraid to be alone with Joonmyun in case Joonmyun’d lash out at him about last time.
“I see. Where are you meeting up?” Joonmyun said in response, his cheerful tone not faltering one bit.
After Sehun hung up with Joonmyun, he called his friend Xiumin and begged him and his boyfriend Luhan to drop their plans about a romantic evening, for cinema and dinner together, all expenses covered by Sehun. Despite the tempting offer, they declined like every other friend Sehun could think of and called. The fact that it was a weekday did not help at all.
So, the time came and Sehun met with Joonmyun out of the cinema, just the two them. During the movie and the dinner, they exchanged their news and their conversation was rather neutral. Joonmyun seemed to be as cheerful as while talking on the phone, so as time passed Sehun became more and more anxious because he was sure that this was a presage for something big and bad.
He was right in a way. After the dinner ended, Joonmyun mentioned their last outing but things did not turn out quite in the way Sehun expected.
“You know” Joonmyun said and Sehun looked at him “I want to thank you for last time. I guess my behavior possibly made it seem like I didn’t want to be associated with you anymore, but in reality, I was just thinking about what you said and if you were right. And I think you are. So... I was thinking if you want to remain friends or even... become something more maybe?”
Sehun’s eyes widened. “You mean like lovers.. or brothers?” he said, looking at Joonmyun incredulously.
“I’d prefer it if it was like lovers” Joonmyun said laughing and winked at him.
~~~
It’s been two and a half years since his confession and almost one year since he moved in together with Sehun. But right now, he was thinking if moving in together was the best decision after all.
He placed the frame in the couch and headed to the kitchen. Earlier, he had noticed from the corner of his eye a red substance in the sink. He sincerely wished it was not what he thought it might be.
“Are you feeling ok?”
Joonmyun was startled by the sudden voice and turned his head. There was Sehun, standing in the front door, bags in both hands. He had a worried expression. He closed the door behind him and entered the room.
Joonmyun rolled his eyes and gestured towards the room. “Better than ever” he replied sarcastically.
“Don’t worry, I’ll help you cleaning” Sehun said and disappeared to the bathroom. He came back with a mop and bucket in hand.
“And to think, you said Kyungsoo and Chen’s party was wild.” Joonmyun snorted. “What should I say about your birthday party? The whole place looks like it could be a film set out from Project X. Not to mention about your partners in crime, namely Xiumin and Luhan. Both are older than me, but not only do they look like teenagers but they behave like they are ones, too.” Joonmyun added half jokingly-half seriously.
“Oh come on, you know how parties can be” Sehun shrugged. “Now, how about eating the delicious fried chicken I brought and then getting to work?” he continued and went over to Joonmyun and hugged him.
“Is that blood?” he asked, his voice high-pitched as he noticed the red substance in the sink. “Nah, possibly ketchup. Still a pain in the ass to clean” Joonmyun responded. “Anyway, until the end of the month no other friends are allowed here. You know how much of a perfectionist I am and with this being my first major role, I wouldn’t want anything to go wrong.” he continued.
“Understood, captain” Sehun said laughing and stood at attention. Joonmyun sighed. Sehun hugged him again and pecked him on the lips. He then looked at him and said “Now, how about eating and then getting to work? And by that, I mean working on your high notes?” he winked at Joonmyun.
Prompt: #20
Author: Anonymous
Pairing(s): Suho/Sehun, Chen/Kyungsoo, Xiumin/Luhan
Rating: PG-13
Genre (s): slice of life!au, romance
Length: 3.949 words
Summary: Joonmyun taking a short trip down memory lane ft. Sehun
Warning(s): -
Author’s note: I just hope I did justice to the prompt! Have a great summer everyone~
Loud yelling woke him up. “You don’t love me! If you did, you’d never do what you did!”, “You’re overreacting now, aren’t you? Always making things out to be greater than they actually are.” He heard two voices saying. He tried to get up in order to get to the source of the yelling. Immediately, he fell back on the bed, feeling really dizzy and his head in pain. His eyes stung. He tried to get up again, this time more slowly.
Lots of clothes were scattered across the room. He headed to the bathroom. As soon as he stepped inside, he realized the floor was damp. The lights were on and the mirror was smeared with a purple substance. He washed his face and noticed his reflection in the mirror -well, parts of it-. He looked -and felt- really tired.
Upon entering the living room, he noticed the TV was on. Apparently, the yelling was coming from the TV. He looked around the room. A mess. He expected things to get out of hand but not to this extent. How it came down to this? He tried to go back, back to where everything originated from. Wayyy back….
~~~
The black haired man had been observing the brown haired one for a long time, sneaking glances at him every now and then. The latter was sitting in a couch, leaning forward and staring either at the floor or the ceiling every now and then, while taking sips from his glass, seemingly lost in thoughts. He’s been like that for quite a long time, but none other than Sehun seemed to have noticed. That was by no means a surprise, since most of the people were drunk or danced fervently, some were making out too.
Due to the dim lights and thus the room being rather dark, Sehun couldn’t be sure if his guess was right. He couldn’t make the man’s facial characteristics out at all. After a short inner debate of whether should Sehun approach the man and talk to him or not, he decided to take the chance and approach him.
“Are you feeling well?”
The sudden voice distracted Joonmyun from his thoughts. He lifted his head and saw a tall, black haired guy leaning over him. He must have seemed confused because the guy repeated, a bit louder this time:
“Are you feeling well?”
Bingo!, Sehun thought as soon as the man lifted his face. He repeated his question and the other man smiled -Such a pretty smile! Sehun thought- “I’m fine. Just a little tired” he replied. “Is that so? Then how come you came here? Or is this your first time coming in Chen and Kyungsoo’s party and you didn’t have any idea of what you were getting yourself into, like me?” Sehun said and pointed with his hand towards the rest of the people. “Not that I’m not having a good time” he quickly added before the other man replied -for all he knew, this man could be Chen’s brother. Joonmyun chuckled “Chen is my best friend, so there was no way I wouldn’t come. I’m Joonmyun by the way” he said and stretched his hand. “I’m Sehun”, Sehun said and extended his hand for a handshake. Now that he was closer, he could finally see him -Joonmyun clearly and god, he is gorgeous, Sehun thought.
“Nice to meet you, Sehun. Are you one of Kyungsoo’s friends?” Joonmyun said. “Actually, I’m Kyungsoo’s cousin” Sehun answered and sat next to Joonmyun. “I hang out a lot with Kyungsoo and he often brings Chen with him, so I’ve become friends with Chen, too. And you, since when have you been friends with Chen?” Sehun asked. “Junior high. Hasn’t Chen said anything about me?” Joonmyun jokingly said. Had he said, I’d arrange to meet you sooner, rest assured, Sehun thought to himself. “No, but to be honest it’s not like both him and Kyungsoo have a lot of chances to talk when they are out with me. You see, I’m a great talker myself.”
Joonmyun was laughing when suddenly Kyungsoo appeared and said “Oh, you met Suho”. Both lifted their faces and saw Kyungsoo standing there, an empty glass in hand and being more cheerful than in general. Sehun eyed Joonmyun confused. “It’s a nickname. My friends gave it to me because I save their asses all the time. Don’t worry, I didn’t lie to you.” Joonmyun added jokingly. Then he looked at his watch. “I should get going, gotta wake up early tomorrow”. “What? C’mon stay a little more” Kyungsoo said in a whiny tone. “Unfortunately, I can’t” said Joonmyun while getting up. “Could you maybe find Chen for me to greet him, too?” he added. Kyungsoo nodded and walked away. Meanwhile, Sehun had stood up too and was wondering what to say. Before making up his mind, Joonmyun turned to him and said with a smile “It was nice talking to you. Unfortunately, I have to go. Goodnight”. Talking? We hardly exchanged a word!! Sehun thought, “Yeah, nice talking to you, too. Goodnight” he said, smiling back. Joonmyun nodded and walked away in search of Chen.
~~~
Oh right, it was at Chen’s birthday party, though at the time Joonmyun hadn’t paid a lot of attention to his new acquaintance. He was too focused on thinking whether he should quit his then job and accept Kai’s offer. Of course, accepting Kai’s offer meant an entirely new life, a rather big change for Joonmyun -a person, who didn’t like changes. At all. But eventually he accepted the offer and now, three years after, he couldn’t have been happier he did.
It was only after they had watched a movie in the cinema together along with Chen and Kyungsoo that he started being slowly interested in Sehun - at first as a potential friend, then as a potential lover.
Joonmyun giggled. Sehun would often remark how he detested the fact that he had to tell Kyungsoo about his crush on Joonmyun so that Kyungsoo would arrange something. Back then, Sehun was sure Kyungsoo would remind him of it in every given chance (indeed, he was right). Sehun had explained that back then, he thought this was the best course of action he could take, since “you’re saying it’d be fine if I asked you out directly, only because we’re together now, back then you’d say ‘creepy’ since we hardly talked at the party.” as Sehun told everytime this subject would come up.
After their second meeting in cinema, the two of them met up a lot of times. During these meet ups they would converse about all sorts of things. Truthfully, Sehun would do most of the talking. Not that Joonmyun minded. He preferred listening to talking. The problem was Sehun minded. A lot.
~~~
It’s been five months since Sehun and Joonmyun began hanging out together. Until now everything was running smoothly. Sehun would have never guessed that the guy he had spotted a couple of times on bus, apart from being a hottie, would be a really cool person to hang around. Considerate, kind, helpful, a good listener were only some of the million good attributes Joonmyun had, according to Sehun. He definitely lived up to his “Suho” nickname.
Sehun would initially drop clues to Joonmyun every now and then to let him know he viewed him more than just a friend but Joonmyun didn’t seem to catch up on these or he’d turn them into jokes. So, at one point Sehun gave up and thought he’d be content even with them just being friends.
However, since these five months they spent a lot of time together, it was inevitable that the time would come to touch on more personal subjects. But no matter how hard Sehun tried, Joonmyun would always evade his questions that revolved around such subjects, either by joking (“Eh, why would you care about such a boring story!”) or by asking Sehun to talk about his views on said subject (“You asked first, it’s only right that you answer first as well”). When he answered like this, Sehun would give up only to be frustrated with himself when they parted ways, since every time he would come across such statements, he’d think about how the next time they’d meet up, things would definitely go his way.
As a result, there was a time when Sehun didn’t give up.
They were talking (= Sehun was answering Joonmyun’s questions) about crushes, first loves and such stuff, when Sehun asked him “What about your past love interests?” And don’t you dare change the subject” he quickly added, as he saw Joonmyun opening his mouth to talk. Joonmyun brought his hand to his chest, eyes widening “I don’t do that” he exclaimed sounding surprised. “Yeah, right” Sehun said rolling his eyes “Anyway, answer my question”. Joonmyun squinted at him. “Well.. It’s been awhile since I really liked or loved anyone.. I guess I’m not fit for it” he said laughing lightheartedly. “Ah, you’re lying again” Sehun sighed. “Why don’t you ever tell me anything about yourself? Am I that bad of a person? Have I ever done anything bad to you and I’m just not aware of it? Or do you think I’ll go around and tell everyone? Spit it out!” he continued, voice growing louder with each word, visibly angered.
Joonmyun was taken aback by the sudden outburst. “No…” he started saying “it’s not like this at all. I just..” he trailed off. “You just what? You’re always avoiding my questions when they happen to be about your feelings or personal experiences, I just can’t help thinking that it’s my fault for that and it really angers me that even so, you won’t tell me what I did wrong in order for me to fix it.” While speaking, Sehun would look at Joonmyun and the olden man would look back at him but now he was done talking, Joonmyun was looking downwards, his expression a mix of stiffness and sadness. Upon seeing him like this, Sehun wished he hadn’t said all that. He only wished to bring happiness to Joonmyun but now, before him he seemed more saddened than ever Sehun got to witness. Sehun extended his hand and grabbed Joonmyun’s. Joonmyun didn’t reciprocate the grab but he didn’t pushed away Sehun’s hand either.
Sehun took this as a positive sign. “I’m sorry…. I’m just really confused and sad when this happens. I consider us to be close, even if we haven’t known each other for a long time, so it hurts me when you can’t be openly honest with me. I don’t want to be a person in front of which you have to fake” he said while helding Joonmyun’s hand. Joonmyun was still looking down and didn’t say a thing. “If.. if it ever come down to this… I mean you feeling like you should fake your attitude while around me, I’d prefer it if you just cut all ties with me. Once again, I’m sorry.” Sehun said and lowered his eyes.
After this encounter, Joonmyun didn’t contact Sehun for awhile. Initially, Sehun wondered if this meant that Joonmyun needed a few days to think about what Sehun had said or he really decided to cut off ties with Sehun. As time passed, he was more inclined to believe it was the latter. So, his surprise was unimaginable when after almost a month Joonmyun contacted him. He sounded as cheerful as ever and told Sehun that they should meet up.
~~~
As Joonmyun walked around the living room inspecting the damages, he saw broken glass on the floor. Being careless here, could be a fatal error, he thought. Upon closer inspection, he found out it was actually a broken frame, the photo inside creased. Joonmyun lifted it and inspected the photo.
It was from their trip in Vienna, last winter. The photo being creased and all, made it difficult for someone to make out what’s in the photo, but Joonmyun knew already its content. It was him and Sehun, Sehun holding him tightly in a back hug, both of them smiling broadly in front of Schönbrunn Palace.
Joonmyun smiled thinking about the time he announced to Sehun that he was considering of spending Christmas holidays abroad, together. Sehun had been so happy! His face had lit up and he started talking way too fast -as he always did when he was excited- and went on and on about how he had never been abroad and what clothes should they take with them, how they should look up the details as soon as possible and should they go somewhere cold or somewhere hot?
In the end, these had been Joonmyun’s best holidays, maybe because of the perfect combination of being in a fantastic place with the person he loved the most.
~~~
Sure, there were times that not everything in the garden was rosy. The rockiest moment was possible when Sehun mentioned how bothered he was by the fact that Joonmyun would not disclose his feelings. Joonmyun was used to people hinting at this fact but never to directly speak about it. So it was only natural that he was taken aback by the younger man’s sudden straight forwardness.
During the period he spent away from Sehun, he thought about the Sehun’s words a lot and Sehun himself too. Joonmyun was not too fond of spontaneous people and big changes in his life. And Sehun was a mix of both. For example, because of Sehun he had tried new things, which varied from embroidering (“You should really try it! It’s really calming!!”) to skydiving (“Aren’t you curious to see the city from above? How can you compare it to a plane??) and going in a club -Joonmyun detested clubs-. Though admittedly, Joonmyun enjoyed doing all of these. At first, he thought that was because maybe his tastes have changed over the years but when he found himself in a club with some of his other friends and Sehun was not there, he concluded it was because of Sehun rather than his tastes changing.
Finally, after a lot of consideration, he concluded that Sehun was right. He should be more open about himself, even if that posed the risk of getting hurt himself.
~~~
Him not talking about his feelings was a habit that dated back to his school years. When Joonmyun entered junior high, he got separated from his close friends due to attending different schools. Initially, he thought that despite this, their friendship would remain the same as before but eventually they grew apart. During the first three years, he made a lot of efforts to stay in contact with them but he gave up when he realized that his friends did not make any effort at all.
At first, he felt frustrated, angered, immense sadness by their lack of interest. Then, he put the blame on himself for things turning this way. Had he shown a greater interest, things may had not turned out this way. After a long time he saw the fault in his ways.
His friends had realized earlier than him that people come and go out of one’s life. He just happened to not realize as early as them, thus becoming greatly attached to them. After this sudden realization, he vowed to not get attached to other person like this ever in his life.
To prevent this from happening, he put logic before emotions and shared only “harmless” info about him and his life. Every single time he felt any intense emotion regarding a situation or a person, he would try to explain logically what led him to feel that way, therefore calming himself and becoming apathetic in regards to said situation or person. This way, he avoided being gravely disappointed as well when something or someone didn’t turn out smoothly or as he expected to.
But as contradictory as it may sounds, Joonmyun still wanted to have close friends and he’d often feel the need to have a boyfriend. After such thoughts, he’d always worry about letting the other people know him, his worries, his needs and his desires. He saw that knowledge as a great vulnerability which could be proven at any time hazardous. In the end, he’d just carry on doing things his own way. He’d always conclude that was the best way to keep things going.
Sure, he was aware of his decision’s cost. He most likely would never be able to form “real” or “strong” bonds. Not that he minded. From what he had seen, he deduced that even the “realest” of bonds could be broken. But sometimes he would feel the loneliness becoming unbearable and the burden of not sharing some things becoming immense.
To make up for the lack of speaking, he would try to be the best at everything else. Consequently, people would often form a good opinion on him and view him as a reliable and good-natured individual. But all in all, most of them would always put a distance between them and Joonmyun. It was only natural since he did the same. There were a few exceptions to this, such as Chen, Joonmyun’s best friend or most recently, Sehun.
On one hand, Chen and Joonmyun’s friendship counted 10 years, so naturally the trust between them increased tremendously over the passing years and it had reached to a point in which Joonmyun was comfortable with sharing a big part of his thoughts and concerns with Chen and vice versa. The fact that Chen resembled to Joonmyun in a lot of aspects was a plus.
On the other hand, despite that Joonmyun had known Sehun barely for about six months, Sehun had already talked about a great deal of things to Joonmyun. He also was quite different from Joonmyun. It was almost a mystery to everyone how the both of them got along so well and whenever they got asked about it, they’d reply with “Opposites attract”. He was more of a talker than a listener, an extrovert, playful most of the time, it was almost impossible for him to be expressionless and became easily excited and bored, impulsive and “can’t sit down doing nothing for too long or one would think I am dead” as he said. But he also was serious when needed, responsible and thoughtful. Overall, Joonmyun liked him a lot -and although he’d never make a move, he’d often wish they could be more than just friends.
~~
As said above, none before dared to openly inquire the reason he’d not say anything, so Sehun’s outburst made him wonder if he should reflect on his current attitude.
After considering both the advantages and the disadvantages of expressing himself, he decided that it was time to change his behavior -at least towards people who have shown genuine interest towards him.
~~~
Sehun was awaken up by the sound of his cell phone ringing. He groped for it and when he found it, he glanced at the screen. It was Joonmyun. He rushed to answer and mumbled a rushed “Yes?”.
“Hi Sehun, it’s me Joonmyun. I hope I’m not disturbing you. How are you doing?” Joonmyun said, sounding cheerful.
“Oh, not at all. I’m fine... How about you?” Sehun answered.
“Just fine. I was wondering if you are free in the evening.”
“Um, I actually have planned something with a couple of friends, but I don’t think it’d pose a problem if you came.” Sehun lied. Truth to be told, he was afraid to be alone with Joonmyun in case Joonmyun’d lash out at him about last time.
“I see. Where are you meeting up?” Joonmyun said in response, his cheerful tone not faltering one bit.
After Sehun hung up with Joonmyun, he called his friend Xiumin and begged him and his boyfriend Luhan to drop their plans about a romantic evening, for cinema and dinner together, all expenses covered by Sehun. Despite the tempting offer, they declined like every other friend Sehun could think of and called. The fact that it was a weekday did not help at all.
So, the time came and Sehun met with Joonmyun out of the cinema, just the two them. During the movie and the dinner, they exchanged their news and their conversation was rather neutral. Joonmyun seemed to be as cheerful as while talking on the phone, so as time passed Sehun became more and more anxious because he was sure that this was a presage for something big and bad.
He was right in a way. After the dinner ended, Joonmyun mentioned their last outing but things did not turn out quite in the way Sehun expected.
“You know” Joonmyun said and Sehun looked at him “I want to thank you for last time. I guess my behavior possibly made it seem like I didn’t want to be associated with you anymore, but in reality, I was just thinking about what you said and if you were right. And I think you are. So... I was thinking if you want to remain friends or even... become something more maybe?”
Sehun’s eyes widened. “You mean like lovers.. or brothers?” he said, looking at Joonmyun incredulously.
“I’d prefer it if it was like lovers” Joonmyun said laughing and winked at him.
~~~
It’s been two and a half years since his confession and almost one year since he moved in together with Sehun. But right now, he was thinking if moving in together was the best decision after all.
He placed the frame in the couch and headed to the kitchen. Earlier, he had noticed from the corner of his eye a red substance in the sink. He sincerely wished it was not what he thought it might be.
“Are you feeling ok?”
Joonmyun was startled by the sudden voice and turned his head. There was Sehun, standing in the front door, bags in both hands. He had a worried expression. He closed the door behind him and entered the room.
Joonmyun rolled his eyes and gestured towards the room. “Better than ever” he replied sarcastically.
“Don’t worry, I’ll help you cleaning” Sehun said and disappeared to the bathroom. He came back with a mop and bucket in hand.
“And to think, you said Kyungsoo and Chen’s party was wild.” Joonmyun snorted. “What should I say about your birthday party? The whole place looks like it could be a film set out from Project X. Not to mention about your partners in crime, namely Xiumin and Luhan. Both are older than me, but not only do they look like teenagers but they behave like they are ones, too.” Joonmyun added half jokingly-half seriously.
“Oh come on, you know how parties can be” Sehun shrugged. “Now, how about eating the delicious fried chicken I brought and then getting to work?” he continued and went over to Joonmyun and hugged him.
“Is that blood?” he asked, his voice high-pitched as he noticed the red substance in the sink. “Nah, possibly ketchup. Still a pain in the ass to clean” Joonmyun responded. “Anyway, until the end of the month no other friends are allowed here. You know how much of a perfectionist I am and with this being my first major role, I wouldn’t want anything to go wrong.” he continued.
“Understood, captain” Sehun said laughing and stood at attention. Joonmyun sighed. Sehun hugged him again and pecked him on the lips. He then looked at him and said “Now, how about eating and then getting to work? And by that, I mean working on your high notes?” he winked at Joonmyun.