(no subject)
i dont know where to start. i thought things were going alot better. i really did. i should never trust my instincts anymore. i'm starting to give feelings towards someone i dont know. i try so hard to neglect them. it just doesnt work anymore. ive been in this same situation with this person before. and i got over it so easily. now i seem to have gone past liking them. its driving me crazy. i dont want to become someone who just sits and thinks and desperately waits for someone. its like ripping out all my sanity and throwing it into the garbage. i really want to leave this town. my only other option is florida. and i want to take it. yes, i know, i should wait until i meet people, start school, blah blah. i dont know. something about this town rubs off a bad vibe. right now im so numb of my emotions thats ive turned into this boring angsty person. im not known to be like that. in almost every situation ive been in, i could snap right out of it with a joke, or start laughing and it went away. now im stuck. im stuck being this person that i absolutely hate. and theres nothing i can do about it. people come to me all the time with their problems, and i enjoy knowing i can be trusted. its a great feeling. but i feel like what i give them isnt good enough. like im giving a half-assed answer, knowing i could say something better. ive just had this shudder of lonely come across me so suddenly. i hate it so much. i hate feeling that i cant rely on anyone because i seem to be changing so much. in ways that i dont want to be. i have to make things so complicated now. i feel so unhealthy locked up in my room. i'd go out and do things, but im so afraid of not being accepted. im afraid of being too short, or too chubby, or too stuck up, or have too high of standards. i care so much what people think of me, one person thinking low of me and i could break down. and ive been told to just push aside people's thoughts and judgements about me, but its just that ive become so acquired to care for what this one person thinks of me, that i could let anyone's opinion come to heart. what ever happened to that strong willed person i once was? im becoming smaller and smaller as the days go by. and frankly i dont think i can handle it anymore.
just make it all stop. please?