The jumping back and forth was a little hard to follow, and I'd kind of like to know more about what happened with the rats in Japan, but all in all, I'm not complaining. This is an interesting story.
I hope chapter three starts giving you less trouble soon, though. I want to know what happens!
The rats were the B plot for Chapter 1, so I should have closed that more clearly. I'll see if I can wrap it up a little in Ch3 -- might give me a new angle of attack.
Why was the jumping hard to follow for you, could you tell me? Were the breaks just not indicated well enough or was it something else?
This chapter tries to work six or seven years worth of passage of time into a single chapter, so there's some compression, but if there's a way I can make it easier on the reader, I'll consider reworking it a bit.
Thank you for your comment! Knowing that people are interested helps with the motivation, too.
Yeah, I think a big part of it was that the breaks were kind of... blurry. A good part of the time, I wasn't sure where Kai was supposed to be, and when, until I saw a clearer indicator, like O'Hare's rank.
Also - (and this is, IMHO, a sign of very GOOD writing,) I feel compelled to tell you I severely dislike O'Hare. It was his fault that Kai ended up killing people, because he separated him from the one person who could have controlled him; and yet he blames Kai, and thinks he's a monster in need of putting down. Grr.
I'd intended the main indicator to be POV. It's all third person limited, of course, but the sections in the US are all narrated from Sgt Saunders', looking on at this Red Shield consultant he knows nothing about. And the sections in Japan/Brazil are Kai's POV. In the US sections, Kai's regularly referred to as 'Miyagusuku'. In the Japan/Brazil sections, he's mostly just 'Kai'.
Obviously I didn't make that distinction clearly enough.
I didn't write O'Hare to be likeable, no. I wrote him to be an arrogant hardass. But I do think that he made decisions that made good sense to him, not knowing what we do of Chiropterans in general and Kai in particular.
Apart from Kai and Haji, every single Chiropteran he's faced has been a mindless killing beast. And they've wrought plenty of havoc already. Plus, in the beginning he didn't even know Kai was a Chiropteran who looked human but might lose control, simply because the existence of Chevaliers hadn't leaked beyond Red Shield yet
( ... )
Comments 5
I hope chapter three starts giving you less trouble soon, though. I want to know what happens!
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Why was the jumping hard to follow for you, could you tell me? Were the breaks just not indicated well enough or was it something else?
This chapter tries to work six or seven years worth of passage of time into a single chapter, so there's some compression, but if there's a way I can make it easier on the reader, I'll consider reworking it a bit.
Thank you for your comment! Knowing that people are interested helps with the motivation, too.
XWA
Reply
Also - (and this is, IMHO, a sign of very GOOD writing,) I feel compelled to tell you I severely dislike O'Hare. It was his fault that Kai ended up killing people, because he separated him from the one person who could have controlled him; and yet he blames Kai, and thinks he's a monster in need of putting down. Grr.
Reply
Obviously I didn't make that distinction clearly enough.
I didn't write O'Hare to be likeable, no. I wrote him to be an arrogant hardass. But I do think that he made decisions that made good sense to him, not knowing what we do of Chiropterans in general and Kai in particular.
Apart from Kai and Haji, every single Chiropteran he's faced has been a mindless killing beast. And they've wrought plenty of havoc already. Plus, in the beginning he didn't even know Kai was a Chiropteran who looked human but might lose control, simply because the existence of Chevaliers hadn't leaked beyond Red Shield yet ( ... )
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