We Fell in Love Before We Fell Apart; Part 3.
This is the third part of my history. Thanks for reading and commenting <3
I apologize for this part, by this point things are a little bit rough with Ryan, and I fail to write as often as I did at first. I'll fill in the blanks, and I'm sure I'll do fine, since everything is fairly clear to me.
June 12th 2008
It's been a while since I wrote last, at least...a lot has happened. Ryan got a phone call from someone saying that his mother had committed suicide, and it was heartbreaking. He NEVER had a good relationship with his mother, but it still affected him and it hurt me to know I couldn't do anything about it. He still came up on Sunday the 8th of June, and it was still amazing. We were goin to go to the beach, but it was WAY too hot, plus I wouldn't have had enough time to get back home, so we switched buses and hoped onto the 12 Adelaide back home. On the bus we sat in the back and he immediately put his arm around me, and was just so cute and close to me. Alisha got onto the bus and i don't know her that well, but she was interested in who i was sitting with, it was funny, but I was so pleased that someone else has seen me with Ryan now, and seen how happy I am with him, and how happy he is with me. I feel special. Loved. Beautiful and desired. After we got off the bus, I dragged him to Dairy Queen because I needed to get my new schedule (but mainly I just wanted to show him off to my fellow workers xD) So Jennifer and Alison (the shift manager) met him and so did Emily, too. We walked back home, but we stopped at Mackenzie Park first and sat on the step of the sotrage house there. He pulled me close to him, and he kissed my neck, and we just cuddled there, watching some boy and his father play baseball, the poor boy failed miserably and somehow hit the balls to go behind him, instead of infornt of him xD
After that I dragged him back home with me, and he met my parents. I'm so pleased! Though they had us sit with them in the front and just talk, and Sarah and Ali stopped by and we all just talked, I felt o comfortable, holding Ryan's hand on my lap while everyone joked and laughed. But I didn't want to be in public with him. So I claimed we had to go "check departure times" Which we DID have to do...but come on. We were in the basement by ourselves. I was so comfortable and at ease in his lap, as bad as it MIGHT sound. He is the only one I've ever been so in love with. It was beautiful, the way his hand clasped around my neck gently. His gaze. As I mention over and over. I can feel the love in his eyes, like he would never ever hurt me. It's lovely.
After we drove him to the GO station...and so ended the good times...
On monday, in a nutshell, someone broke into Ryan's house and trashed it. Guess whoooooo. His very own mother! : D SURPRISE~! So he's been needing time to sort it out, and I've been trying to understand but I haven't spoken to him in days. I need something to go on here. I need reassurance that he still wants me by his side and that I'm vauable to him.
I realize that the timing has been really shitty, but i feel worse than ever before, Like I'm floating through the days and I keep praying for things to get better. Sometimes i feel like Ryan just doesn't care, but I KNOW that he has a lo going on and i keep trying to tell myself that. For the first time in a few weeks I contemplated cutting myself again. It scared me shitless. I texted Rob...and he phoned me. We talked for a while. He just has a way of calming down. Ryan has Rob to thank for my life right now, and for our relationship being somewhat still intact, for my sanity.
I feel outrageously guilty for how I've been leaning on Rob lately, how I've been thinking lately. Rob always thinks about me, he always tells me so. Rob listens to me, and he always expresses that he cares. He phones me, texts meHe makes me feel better. Like I can breathe.
Ryan makes me feel forgotten sometimes but AGAIN, I have to wait and be patient. I need to give him his time. But I hate feeling torn like this. I care about Ryan. I love the way he makes me feel; so in love. But when things aren't good, they're awful. Those times make me feel like I need to talk to Rob.
I feel like I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. I need to get this under control.
I LOVE Ryan and it scares me to say that, but I've never felt like this, and I'm so scared.
June 13th 2008
So I finally talked to Ryan, and we're not breaking up. We got everything sorted, yay! <3 There's too much to really explain, so I'll write later.
**
** Instead of leaving and being vauge, I looked up the MSN conversation (yes. I have about 4 archives of my conversations with Ryan on MSN. Yes I almost cried while looking this shit up), and I found out that when he needs to sort things out, he HAS to introvert, and communication is minial. He said that it doesn't mean that he doesn't need me, it just means the opposite, he needs me there when he comes out of it. Thinking about this now, if I had re-read this prior to my breaking up with him the second time around, I wouldn't have broken up with him. And so I cried. and took ten minutes before finishing this entry to just drain myself out. **
June 16th 2008
Oh my God. For the third time, ryan and I almost broke up. I'm feeling a little better, but I'm still kind of unsure. I'm going to see if he can come down for the saturday/sunday of the 28th/29th. It would give us more time to do whatever, and it would be our one month anyways, If we make it there...
I'm going to phone him tonight after five, because he has some errands to run during the day. He also said he hadto think things through and that scares me. We're still adjusting to one another, and it's difficult to determine whether things will get better or worse. I think I need something to look forward to. I was disappointed when he couldn't come down yesterday, even if the weather was to blame. I just miss him. If he doesn come at the end of the month things might get a little...wow.
Well come on! I 'd haven't seen him for like three weeks! I miss him already D:
Damn. Sometimes I wish I had a normal relationship. D:
End of Part 3.
Part 4 is: The resolution, The Weekend
Part 5 is; The Clouds, The Break up, The Aftermath.
Part 6 is; The Pretending, The Changes
I apologize for this part, by this point things are a little bit rough with Ryan, and I fail to write as often as I did at first. I'll fill in the blanks, and I'm sure I'll do fine, since everything is fairly clear to me.
June 12th 2008
It's been a while since I wrote last, at least...a lot has happened. Ryan got a phone call from someone saying that his mother had committed suicide, and it was heartbreaking. He NEVER had a good relationship with his mother, but it still affected him and it hurt me to know I couldn't do anything about it. He still came up on Sunday the 8th of June, and it was still amazing. We were goin to go to the beach, but it was WAY too hot, plus I wouldn't have had enough time to get back home, so we switched buses and hoped onto the 12 Adelaide back home. On the bus we sat in the back and he immediately put his arm around me, and was just so cute and close to me. Alisha got onto the bus and i don't know her that well, but she was interested in who i was sitting with, it was funny, but I was so pleased that someone else has seen me with Ryan now, and seen how happy I am with him, and how happy he is with me. I feel special. Loved. Beautiful and desired. After we got off the bus, I dragged him to Dairy Queen because I needed to get my new schedule (but mainly I just wanted to show him off to my fellow workers xD) So Jennifer and Alison (the shift manager) met him and so did Emily, too. We walked back home, but we stopped at Mackenzie Park first and sat on the step of the sotrage house there. He pulled me close to him, and he kissed my neck, and we just cuddled there, watching some boy and his father play baseball, the poor boy failed miserably and somehow hit the balls to go behind him, instead of infornt of him xD
After that I dragged him back home with me, and he met my parents. I'm so pleased! Though they had us sit with them in the front and just talk, and Sarah and Ali stopped by and we all just talked, I felt o comfortable, holding Ryan's hand on my lap while everyone joked and laughed. But I didn't want to be in public with him. So I claimed we had to go "check departure times" Which we DID have to do...but come on. We were in the basement by ourselves. I was so comfortable and at ease in his lap, as bad as it MIGHT sound. He is the only one I've ever been so in love with. It was beautiful, the way his hand clasped around my neck gently. His gaze. As I mention over and over. I can feel the love in his eyes, like he would never ever hurt me. It's lovely.
After we drove him to the GO station...and so ended the good times...
On monday, in a nutshell, someone broke into Ryan's house and trashed it. Guess whoooooo. His very own mother! : D SURPRISE~! So he's been needing time to sort it out, and I've been trying to understand but I haven't spoken to him in days. I need something to go on here. I need reassurance that he still wants me by his side and that I'm vauable to him.
I realize that the timing has been really shitty, but i feel worse than ever before, Like I'm floating through the days and I keep praying for things to get better. Sometimes i feel like Ryan just doesn't care, but I KNOW that he has a lo going on and i keep trying to tell myself that. For the first time in a few weeks I contemplated cutting myself again. It scared me shitless. I texted Rob...and he phoned me. We talked for a while. He just has a way of calming down. Ryan has Rob to thank for my life right now, and for our relationship being somewhat still intact, for my sanity.
I feel outrageously guilty for how I've been leaning on Rob lately, how I've been thinking lately. Rob always thinks about me, he always tells me so. Rob listens to me, and he always expresses that he cares. He phones me, texts meHe makes me feel better. Like I can breathe.
Ryan makes me feel forgotten sometimes but AGAIN, I have to wait and be patient. I need to give him his time. But I hate feeling torn like this. I care about Ryan. I love the way he makes me feel; so in love. But when things aren't good, they're awful. Those times make me feel like I need to talk to Rob.
I feel like I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. I need to get this under control.
I LOVE Ryan and it scares me to say that, but I've never felt like this, and I'm so scared.
June 13th 2008
So I finally talked to Ryan, and we're not breaking up. We got everything sorted, yay! <3 There's too much to really explain, so I'll write later.
**
** Instead of leaving and being vauge, I looked up the MSN conversation (yes. I have about 4 archives of my conversations with Ryan on MSN. Yes I almost cried while looking this shit up), and I found out that when he needs to sort things out, he HAS to introvert, and communication is minial. He said that it doesn't mean that he doesn't need me, it just means the opposite, he needs me there when he comes out of it. Thinking about this now, if I had re-read this prior to my breaking up with him the second time around, I wouldn't have broken up with him. And so I cried. and took ten minutes before finishing this entry to just drain myself out. **
June 16th 2008
Oh my God. For the third time, ryan and I almost broke up. I'm feeling a little better, but I'm still kind of unsure. I'm going to see if he can come down for the saturday/sunday of the 28th/29th. It would give us more time to do whatever, and it would be our one month anyways, If we make it there...
I'm going to phone him tonight after five, because he has some errands to run during the day. He also said he hadto think things through and that scares me. We're still adjusting to one another, and it's difficult to determine whether things will get better or worse. I think I need something to look forward to. I was disappointed when he couldn't come down yesterday, even if the weather was to blame. I just miss him. If he doesn come at the end of the month things might get a little...wow.
Well come on! I 'd haven't seen him for like three weeks! I miss him already D:
Damn. Sometimes I wish I had a normal relationship. D:
End of Part 3.
Part 4 is: The resolution, The Weekend
Part 5 is; The Clouds, The Break up, The Aftermath.
Part 6 is; The Pretending, The Changes