Desire of the Soul (Chapter 2)
Title: Desire of the Soul (Chapter 2)
Rating: PG-13. Swearing included.
Summary: Brendon just wants to be noticed, loved and cared for. Too bad it takes him through hell and back.
Warnings: Eating disorder, slash
Disclaimer: Nope….Panic still isn’t mine, dammit.
Brendon didn’t know when Ryan turned from being just his boyfriend to being an obsession.
He’s sitting on the couch in the lounge of the bus while Ryan sits between his legs on the floor below him. Brendon’s afternoon Disney movie is completely ruined as he watches Ryan write in page after page in one of his old tattered notebooks, its cover faded and worn. Ryan’s hair is still slightly messy from sleep and he’s sitting crossed legged. Brendon’s eyes scan their way over Ryan’s form.
His knees are boney and his legs are thin, toned. He sits with a slight a slight hunch in his shoulders, leaning forward with bad posture, and Brendon’s eyes trace Ryan’s spine. Each vertebrae is visible through the thin cotton of Ryan’s grey t-shirt. He sits with a perfectly flat stomach, thin and lean. And he does it all with a steaming plate of leftover Chinese food next to him. Brendon looks between the oily food and Ryan’s slight form, wondering how one person could be so lucky. Then he looks down to his lap. His perfectly measured half cup of soup in a bowl is laughing up at him, steam swirling to form words that describe how disgusting Brendon is.
65 calories in three days now and Brendon wants to die.
“Want some?” Ryan tries to hand him his plate of leftovers but Brendon just shakes his head and tries to give him a slight smile. Ryan’s own grin falters a bit but he glances at Brendon’s half cup of soup in a bowl and nods contently.
It’s obvious his boyfriend has noticed something isn’t right with him. He has been acting very carefully since sound check, always mentioning how much he loves him and never telling him off when he messes something up like he used to. Now he huffs silently and calmly tries to explain to Brendon what he needs to fix. It’s okay, Brendon attempts to convince himself, but he knows it’s not really Ryan and truth be told he kind of misses their stupid arguments.
He sips a bit of his soup off his spoon and shudders as the few drops of liquid make way down his throat and into his stomach. It’s like being a vegetarian and having to eat meat. It just makes him want to be sick. He tries to focus back on his movie but his eyes keep wondering over to Ryan again, catching small glimpses of what he’s writing before he’s caught up again in how amazing Ryan looks compared to him.
Brendon moves to put his soup down and clutches a pillow in front of his horribly fat, fat stomach. He can fucking feel the rolls slip over the sides of his jeans as he adjusts in his seat and reads, Perfection is of the mind, but why can’t I try? before Ryan scratches it out with a sigh and turns to another, clean notebook page that isn’t completely scrawled across with black inked pen on every surface area that had once been available.
“I liked that line.” Brendon whispers quietly. Ryan just shoots him a shrug and Brendon knows better than to argue.
Ryan has writers-syndrome, where he has the firm belief that everything ever not written by him is better than anything he could possibly come up with. Instead of even trying to tell him how amazing his writing is and that he’s Brendon’s favorite writer ever, despite the fact that Brendon doesn’t really keep up with specific writers, he just reaches out a hand to message his neck a bit. Ryan gives him a hum of contentment and Brendon can’t find it within himself to pull his hand away, instead his fingers tracing over Ryan’s shoulder blades in slight envy while his boyfriend just thinks he wanted to give him some attention.
“We’re going to be at the hotel soon.” Brendon hears Ryan say, and looks up to find Spencer grumbling over by the coffee maker. He just makes a grunt of understanding and stumbles away again when he has his cup filled. Probably to wake up Jon.
They had all played a late show last night and had to skip showers in favor of a long sleep, but none of them really minded seeing as they’d all gotten used to being with three other guys and their piles of laundry for the first half of their tour. Tonight was a hotel night though, which meant real beds and actual showers before a late night of video games before they all had to play another show. Hotel nights were always Brendon’s favorite nights seeing as he and Ryan were able to share a room with only the two of them in it and walls thick enough to block out or keep in any noises that didn’t need to be shared with others.
Ryan rolled his shoulder a bit and Brendon let his hand finally fall from running his fingers over the sharp edge of Ryan’s collar bone. He loved Ryan, really. They’d been through too much together for him not to love him. Lately though he’d been a bit…triggering. Not that it was Ryan’s fault. He couldn’t help that he was naturally skinny and had a hard time gaining any weight over 100 pounds. But Brendon also couldn’t help being slightly jealous of him. He was trying to be perfect for Ryan as it was, but there was no way to be perfect when competing against Ryan Ross because you’d loose every time.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Mmmm.” Brendon practically sighed out as he hit the soft sheets of the hotel bed. The pristine white was usually enough to make a person blind when looked at in the sun light but Brendon could care less about his eye sight as he snuggled deeper into the cozy warmth, pulling a pillow down next to him and hugging it close. His joy at finally being able to sleep in a real bed quickly came to a close as a soft thump sounded from his backside.
He yelps and shoots a glare at Ryan, who is holding his pillow up in surrender before remarking, “You need to shower before falling asleep, Cinderella.”
“No.” Brendon pouts and buried his face against the comforter of the bed. “And Cinderella was the one that lost the shoe, Aurora was Sleeping Beauty.” But Ryan chooses to ignore Brendon’s knowledge of Disney Princesses and rolls his eyes.
“You need to shower because I’m not sleeping next to your filth all night.” He drones in a usual monotone before giving Brendon a last gentle smack with the pillow and heading over to unpack his hotel night bag. “And hurry up because I need a shower too and Spencer and Jon wanna grab pizza before we go on tonight.”
Brendon tenses a bit and his hands fists the sheets. He hadn’t even been able to finish his half cup of soup from earlier, now he was expected to eat food with grease riding in pools on each slice of horrible fear? No way.
“Actually I’m not feeling too good. You get your shower and meet up with the guys and I’ll meet you guys down at the bus when it’s time.” He says with a small forced grin up at his boyfriend, who he knows definitely isn’t buying his crap anymore but just hasn’t come out and directly said anything.
“….You sure?” He asks but instead it sounds like ‘Please tell me why you haven’t been okay lately.’
“Yeah, totally.”
“Alright,” Ryan drops it, much to Brendon’s relief. “I’ll save a slice for you to eat while we’re on the bus, ‘kay?”
But Brendon doesn’t get a chance to protest because Ryan has already disappeared into the bathroom and the water is running too loudly for Brendon’s muffled voice to be heard. He just presses closer to the bedspread and wishes for the lighting to strike him down.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Ryan does bring Brendon a piece of pizza but as is usual before a show, he’s too busy running around making sure he has enough guitar picks and keeping Spencer and Jon prepared too that he doesn’t notice as Brendon ‘accidentally’ slips it into the garbage on their way into the venue. They pass through sound check without issue today and Zack takes Jon to the small shop across the street so he can get a soda without being harassed by awaiting fan girls.
“You’re going to be great tonight.” Ryan surprises Brendon by saying. And though he’s not one for public affection, kisses him quickly.
Behind them Spencer makes a gagging sound and mutters something that sounds like “Get a room.”
“Thanks…you too?” He says back, because he’s not entirely sure where this came from.
“You look a bit pale,” Ryan comments with a shrug and a, “Don’t be nervous.” But Brendon’s stomach sinks a bit knowing it’s not from nerves. Still he nods anyways and gives him a fake smile in return.
Soon they are changed into their clothes for tonight and the crowd is chanting for them and Brendon is all too quick to start sweating as he and Ryan are singing on stage. He feels a bit woozy and even forgets a few words during the performance. He hopes Ryan didn’t notice, but since when does Ryan not notice? He makes it through in one piece though and is happy when he sinks down onto the couch in the bus lounge while they head back to the hotel.
He sighs and barely notices Spencer and Jon’s quick retreat until Ryan shifts into a seat next to him, facing him. Their knees touch and Brendon slowly opens his eyes to find Ryan looking over him with a serious but worried expression. Slowly his mouth forms words and Brendon sits up a bit straighter as the dreaded finally comes.
“What’s going on with you Brendon?” And Brendon’s heart maybe breaks because Ryan’s never this openly worried about things. There’s not really much for him to say though but gulp and choke out a few disbelieving phrases he’s come to pick up on, hoping once again Ryan falls into silence and lets things go.
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