What's wrong with me?
I think I may need to make an appointment with Jake...or just take him up on the offer of a bike ride and just, ride away until no one can hear me except him, no one else can help me. I had a pretty good feeling that Angie might have been able to help me...but she's gone. Maybe I should just go? I don't know
I just don't know what to do anymore. I was me...I was, it was just me and people seemed to like that, and well, he loved that, loved the me that I was. And then I don't know what happened. Everyone left, went, gone...for various reasons and I know I shouldn't feel so selfish and alone. But I do.
Fleeting moments where I feel like me again and love it. Not someone else who has to be justified by who they're friends with, who they share a bed with (whenever the fuck that is), who hates them, who loves them. Just me. And then they're gone. Wish I could find "The Sea of No Cares"...something tells me though that it's just a song, and all my cares cling to me like syrup. But are the fleeting moments enough, and plentiful to string together at least one day where I feel whole again?
Why? Why can't I just...be happy, with the 5 minutes Orli has for me, with the 1/2 hour Ke has for me when he thinks I might be too sick to live? That he HAD to be there...not that he WANTED to be there? The friends I've met once and then are gone. The people who won't even talk to me...can't I even be happy with a glance.
I have to be me...I just have to! Who else am I if I'm not me? This is so confusing. Part of me wants to jump in Hunter's car and tell him to drive, and never look back. That he was right and this was not ever the place for me, and leave all of it, everyone behind. Part of me hoping that they'd be sad when I'm gone.
But that won't happen either. What do I matter to them? I don't.
The only one I can count on, is myself...but how do you do that, when you don't know who you are anymore? I used to be someone, I can remember her...but now I'm a nobody, lost in a crowd of somebodies.
With him...I tried being me...and he loved me, and then, I don't know what happened. I wasn't what he wanted maybe. Nothing works anymore. I go to him, hold him, talk to him but he won't dance with me. Won't come to me unless I'm deadly ill or he feels he has to. It's never for me...never to just say hi to me, how I'm doing. He's always as gone as quickly as he arrived. More important things. What's more important than being near someone who loves you? I was me, I gave my love completely...but it's not enough.
So who am I supposed to be, if the me that he loved, isn't?
Being me didn't work, being someone different to everyone doesn't work. So who am I?
Just, someone help me...it hurts too much to think about anymore.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I was me...I was, it was just me and people seemed to like that, and well, he loved that, loved the me that I was. And then I don't know what happened. Everyone left, went, gone...for various reasons and I know I shouldn't feel so selfish and alone. But I do.
Fleeting moments where I feel like me again and love it. Not someone else who has to be justified by who they're friends with, who they share a bed with (whenever the fuck that is), who hates them, who loves them. Just me. And then they're gone. Wish I could find "The Sea of No Cares"...something tells me though that it's just a song, and all my cares cling to me like syrup. But are the fleeting moments enough, and plentiful to string together at least one day where I feel whole again?
Why? Why can't I just...be happy, with the 5 minutes Orli has for me, with the 1/2 hour Ke has for me when he thinks I might be too sick to live? That he HAD to be there...not that he WANTED to be there? The friends I've met once and then are gone. The people who won't even talk to me...can't I even be happy with a glance.
I have to be me...I just have to! Who else am I if I'm not me? This is so confusing. Part of me wants to jump in Hunter's car and tell him to drive, and never look back. That he was right and this was not ever the place for me, and leave all of it, everyone behind. Part of me hoping that they'd be sad when I'm gone.
But that won't happen either. What do I matter to them? I don't.
The only one I can count on, is myself...but how do you do that, when you don't know who you are anymore? I used to be someone, I can remember her...but now I'm a nobody, lost in a crowd of somebodies.
With him...I tried being me...and he loved me, and then, I don't know what happened. I wasn't what he wanted maybe. Nothing works anymore. I go to him, hold him, talk to him but he won't dance with me. Won't come to me unless I'm deadly ill or he feels he has to. It's never for me...never to just say hi to me, how I'm doing. He's always as gone as quickly as he arrived. More important things. What's more important than being near someone who loves you? I was me, I gave my love completely...but it's not enough.
So who am I supposed to be, if the me that he loved, isn't?
Being me didn't work, being someone different to everyone doesn't work. So who am I?
Just, someone help me...it hurts too much to think about anymore.