That lasted for about two seconds...
Preface: this blog is for negativity so read it at your own risk.
I am upset this evening. because Rob, Winston's dad, called me tonight. You see it is his son's birthday and his son doesn't speak to him. Because he kicked his son out of his home. Because his son is an ungrateful bastard who expects everyone to take care of him while he sits back and waits to die. He called upset because he heard bad news about his kid getting his car impounded- a car I pumped plenty of money into by the way- and because his kid never calls him and doesn't respond to emails and it's his Birthday... he wants to see how he is and wish him a happy birthday.
You know, when I got up this morning i knew it was his stupid birthday and made a decision to pass the day full of indifference tainted only every now and then with regret. But no, Rob had to call me. His 'last ditch effort.'
I understand Rob. I know how it feels to worry about someone who for all intents and purposes hates you. To love someone who isn't worth it. I know what it is like to care about Winston Burns. It hurts me too sometimes... but only when I have to be reminded about the whole affair. Yes , I love you too. No it's okay. Don't apologize. I understand. You had no choice.
The reason that I am upset is not that Rob called. I love Rob. He's a great guy. It's because I hate to think about my ex. Because I still wonder if the person I loved is buried under all that evil exterior somewhere or if he's totally gone. Because if he's there I long for a resurrection- at this stage in the game though I seriously doubt that this could be the case; the man in my heart seems fictional to me these days. And if he's gone or nonexistent I think we ought to do away with the carcass as it's more than a waste of space, it is actually managing to contribute the amount of suck out here in the cosmos. So either I'm all pathetic sad girl missing a phantom or homicidal. And honestly I hate both. Mostly because this guy, Winston, he doesn't give a damn. He doesn't care that he hurts me or his family. He'll take his dad's call tonight and it's not because he loves him or misses him. It's because he thinks his dad will give him some money for his birthday. And to top it all off, I know for a fact that he will actually be disappointed, maybe even angry if his dad doesn't pay him. But why would you give strength to a cancer if it's just going to go on fucking over the rest of the body?
And honestly, can you celebrate another year of life if you haven't actually done any living?
Is THAT why you act like a child Winston? Because you haven't done any living in so long that it has retarded your mental growth? Or is it because childhood was the only time when everyone wanted to take care of you?
How did I love this person? Am I crazy? Was I desperate? What the hell was I thinking to delude myself into believing that all those happy feelings were because we were in love and not because of all the THC flowing through my veins?
I hate you for taking so much away from me and never giving anything back. And I hate me for being the only one who lost anything. And for letting it happen. And for still hurting even though you never will.
I will overcome this. One day Rob will be able to call me and we can have a chat and I won't have to be reminded of the pain and regret because I won't have any anymore. But I'm just not there yet. Until you're dead or a true missing person, I will hate you for wasting everyone's time, for using up valuable space and resources that a much more deserving body misses out on and most of all-naturally- for royally fucking up my faith in humanity.
Your'e birthday sucks because I wish you had never been born.
And I suck because I let you get to me even when you're not trying. ger. :/
...
ok I feel better now. Does anyone else think I let this bother me wayyyyyy too much? Because I think I did. But it totally freaked me out I was so chill today until he called and then I went into psycho angry mode. I'm so sure that I'm over Winston in the sense that I don't have feelings for him. But I'm afraid that my resentment of him, of all the bad things that have happened are so deeply etched into my mind that I'll always have this kind of powerful huge reaction when I'm faced with him as he is today. Maybe I'm hoping not that he'll die but that someone stronger than me will turn him into the person his family and I thought he could be. If he could some day be worth a damn, I think I could stop being upset with him. Because what hurts the most is that he has every opportunity in the world and he just wastes it all. And that makes me really sad and worried about the future. Because I know he's not the only one.
I am upset this evening. because Rob, Winston's dad, called me tonight. You see it is his son's birthday and his son doesn't speak to him. Because he kicked his son out of his home. Because his son is an ungrateful bastard who expects everyone to take care of him while he sits back and waits to die. He called upset because he heard bad news about his kid getting his car impounded- a car I pumped plenty of money into by the way- and because his kid never calls him and doesn't respond to emails and it's his Birthday... he wants to see how he is and wish him a happy birthday.
You know, when I got up this morning i knew it was his stupid birthday and made a decision to pass the day full of indifference tainted only every now and then with regret. But no, Rob had to call me. His 'last ditch effort.'
I understand Rob. I know how it feels to worry about someone who for all intents and purposes hates you. To love someone who isn't worth it. I know what it is like to care about Winston Burns. It hurts me too sometimes... but only when I have to be reminded about the whole affair. Yes , I love you too. No it's okay. Don't apologize. I understand. You had no choice.
The reason that I am upset is not that Rob called. I love Rob. He's a great guy. It's because I hate to think about my ex. Because I still wonder if the person I loved is buried under all that evil exterior somewhere or if he's totally gone. Because if he's there I long for a resurrection- at this stage in the game though I seriously doubt that this could be the case; the man in my heart seems fictional to me these days. And if he's gone or nonexistent I think we ought to do away with the carcass as it's more than a waste of space, it is actually managing to contribute the amount of suck out here in the cosmos. So either I'm all pathetic sad girl missing a phantom or homicidal. And honestly I hate both. Mostly because this guy, Winston, he doesn't give a damn. He doesn't care that he hurts me or his family. He'll take his dad's call tonight and it's not because he loves him or misses him. It's because he thinks his dad will give him some money for his birthday. And to top it all off, I know for a fact that he will actually be disappointed, maybe even angry if his dad doesn't pay him. But why would you give strength to a cancer if it's just going to go on fucking over the rest of the body?
And honestly, can you celebrate another year of life if you haven't actually done any living?
Is THAT why you act like a child Winston? Because you haven't done any living in so long that it has retarded your mental growth? Or is it because childhood was the only time when everyone wanted to take care of you?
How did I love this person? Am I crazy? Was I desperate? What the hell was I thinking to delude myself into believing that all those happy feelings were because we were in love and not because of all the THC flowing through my veins?
I hate you for taking so much away from me and never giving anything back. And I hate me for being the only one who lost anything. And for letting it happen. And for still hurting even though you never will.
I will overcome this. One day Rob will be able to call me and we can have a chat and I won't have to be reminded of the pain and regret because I won't have any anymore. But I'm just not there yet. Until you're dead or a true missing person, I will hate you for wasting everyone's time, for using up valuable space and resources that a much more deserving body misses out on and most of all-naturally- for royally fucking up my faith in humanity.
Your'e birthday sucks because I wish you had never been born.
And I suck because I let you get to me even when you're not trying. ger. :/
...
ok I feel better now. Does anyone else think I let this bother me wayyyyyy too much? Because I think I did. But it totally freaked me out I was so chill today until he called and then I went into psycho angry mode. I'm so sure that I'm over Winston in the sense that I don't have feelings for him. But I'm afraid that my resentment of him, of all the bad things that have happened are so deeply etched into my mind that I'll always have this kind of powerful huge reaction when I'm faced with him as he is today. Maybe I'm hoping not that he'll die but that someone stronger than me will turn him into the person his family and I thought he could be. If he could some day be worth a damn, I think I could stop being upset with him. Because what hurts the most is that he has every opportunity in the world and he just wastes it all. And that makes me really sad and worried about the future. Because I know he's not the only one.