I completely skipped eating for most of yesterday--only one meal.  I gained lots of weight due to my attempts at "recovery," so I felt like I had to do something about it.  Exercising like a maniac probably helped with the weight, but as most people know--it's never enough.  I want to be healthy, but I don't want to gain weight...stupid, I know.  I ( Read more... )

Right now I weigh more than I have in about two years.  I feel disgusting; I can't stand the way the weight feels on my body.  I've been exercising like crazy even though I know it'll never be enough.  I know I can't be perfect, but I still want to be.  I know I have to be healthy, but I don't want to have to gain weight.  Basically I'm very ( Read more... )

I haven't written on here for a long time.  I didn't have the energy for much of anything for a while, but I'm making a comeback--just still very unmotivated.  I was numb for a while, then depressed, and I think I'm falling back into numbness.  Last week I managed to SI  twice; it wasn't bad at all, but I won't go into detail.  Apparently I need to ( Read more... )

Yesterday I let something get to me and actually self-injured.  I just needed some kind of distraction...it seemed like the only option at the time.  Although it wasn't too bad, I still feel guilty about it.    Well, I feel guilty about everything I do, but even more so because I disappointed myself when I did that.  I'm supposed to be getting ( Read more... )

"Satisfaction does not come with achievement, but with effort. Full effort is full victory."--Mahatma Ghandi

As usual I don't have much to say.  I obviously have some issues with expressing emotions.  I look at the posts on others journals, and I don't think i could write that much in one sitting; it's hard enough for me to get out a paragraph a day ( Read more... )

Right now I want to SI, purge, or something.  It would make me feel like I have power over some part of my life, like I have control.  I don't think I do at this point.  I'm just doing things simply because I have to, not because they make me happy or because I want to.  I wish I didn't have so much crap to do all the time.  Maybe if I didn't I ( Read more... )

I can't even put my thoughts into words; I almost wish I had slept through today.

These past few days have been up and down, between depression and somewhere above that.  I haven't been eating like I should. In fact, I just ate way too much of something.  It's digusting, so I'm trying not to think about it.  The last thing I need to do right now is purge.  I almost cut the other day and I've been crying on and off.  I can't seem ( Read more... )

For some reason I'm not able to completely open up to the people around me.  Maybe I don't have the trust I used to, and maybe I'm scared.  Maybe a little of both.  When I mention something like self-injury or eating disorder, people automatically say something involving the word "crazy."  I have lots of "issues," but I'm definitely not "crazy."  ( Read more... )

Recovery is difficult...especially when you don't know how to go about it.  Is it  possible to recover without being in some kind of treatment center?  Can people recover from an eating disorder from will power alone?  What do you do if you can't stop yourself?  Does anyone know?  I don't know what I'm doing right now; I don't know if I can recover ( Read more... )