Attempted Jaesu - Untitled
The photographer ushers to the left with his hand to get you closer to the centre of the frame. He wants to get a nice group picture of all of you as members, as intimate friends.
You’re not in your usual band formation. In fact, you’re all the way on the right where he’s supposed to be, because it’s been a wild night and whenever someone tries to snap a photo, Yunho calls you and the others to gather as quickly as you can to get it over with. It’s been an even longer day and each of you have been putting on polite faces, nodding along to small conversation, thoughts towards going home for a good sleep nap before the early schedule tomorrow.
“Closer,” the photographer urges.
You wonder how much closer he expects you to get. A person can only be so stable when they’ve got one foot on the ground and the next member’s shoulder in the way. Why doesn’t the guy with the camera just move back a bit? Make it easier on you. Of course, that’s never a consideration. You keep the pleasant expression plastered on your face as you’ve been trained to do and you succeed in hiding your impatient sigh.
Suddenly you’re tugged closer - yes, “closer” - and you feel a firm yet gentle (?) hand on your waist. It’s sitting right above your hip bone and right below your ribs and some type of magic must be in those fingers because you feel like you’re on show. You gasp just slightly and manage to hide your blush, but the camera doesn’t miss your glow. You’re unexpectedly self-conscious and you suck in your gut and tighten your abs at the same time. Trying to be more feminine masculine. But you end up melting, just a little, anyways.
Smile for the camera.
And as quick as it began, the magic act is over and you’re left invisibly delighted. You grab an hors d’oeuvre on the way out and make a mental note to look for that picture of you beside the red-head when it’s developed.
Everyone falls asleep on the van, before you get home.
* * *
This time the atmosphere is lively and your energy is up. The group energy is up. There are different colours all around you in the studio, in the audience, on the each member’s clothes. You’re almost caught daydreaming about them when one of the hosts pulls out a book. It has a cartoon of a mouse and a turtle on it and you smile instantly. You know what’s coming.
A minute later, hysterical laughter fills the air. The energy is way up high; you can hear it. He’s laughing at himself and the hosts are laughing at him and the members behind you are chuckling along too. You cover your mouth with the back of your hand and blink away the tears of laughter that are starting to form in your eyes. You’ll never admit it, and no one cares to doubt anyway, that you’re laughing because no matter how many times he tells those jokes, it still takes you a second to get it, and really, it’s so funny. They all think you’re laughing at how ridiculous he is - and he is - but it’s really, so funny.
Yoochun is play hitting him on the back with his eyes squished into half-moons. You can’t help reaching over and pulling the amateur comedian’s hands down as he’s spilling husky laughter from his mouth and trying to cover his embarrassed face.
Don’t hide. You’re a smiling hypocrite.
You’re so beautiful when you’re happy.
The raucous laughter dies down but the energy is still there. Everyone’s left feeling good because of him. And you’re proud. You’re proud of the silly, silly boy.
* * *
It’s the recording for the last radio broadcast of the year and you’re all crammed into a small studio. You try not to move around too much because your winter jackets make rustling noises and make you sound restless. At least you’re with the members, and them only, instead of pushing through people, performing in front of people, smiling for people.
Changmin is hosting the show tonight and you all know what that means. Still, his sarcasm and snarky remarks make the time go by faster. All the bickering and mocking and whining are cut short when the red light stops and you’re all laughing, somewhat at his expense. The youngest continues to play, and feign innocence with a grin on his face and you’re too tired to one-touch him on the other’s behalf. Nothing was said about you, in any case, so why start a fight you know you don’t have the guts (literally) to lose - tonight anyway.
On the ride home, the members pretend to cheer him up and you play along. You’re usually the one who initiates this anyway, and he’s fooled again.
“U-Know Yunho fighting! Micky Yoochun fighting! Choikang Changmin fighting! Youngwoong Jaejoong fighting! Dong Bang Shin Ki FIGHTING!!!”
After three repetitions, he shouts out a long, “Fwightaaaang~~~!” for himself and you all settle down in your individual seats. Later you turn your head back to see him with his head down, playing with his thumbs all by himself on the empty back bench. He looks up when he senses you staring and you send him a smile. He gives you one in return, but you can’t help but think it was a little weak, when you don’t say a word as you gaze out the window.
* * *
At home, everyone heads in their own direction. Yunho grabs his pajamas to take a shower before going to bed. Yoochun settles on the couch to catch some mindless television, even though you tell him he should get some shut-eye because you know he’ll be up early in the morning to compose. You pass by Changmin making instant noodles in the kitchen and when you think of the last boy, something tugs at your heart and you know exactly where he is. Your maternal instincts come into play.
You don’t bother to knock as you slowly open the door to his shared bedroom. The manager went home to his family tonight so the boy is alone in his quiet room. You spot his hair poking up out of a thin sheet wrapped tight in front of his chest and over his face. He’s curled into a small ball and you know he must be cold. Why didn’t he get a warmer blanket? You’ll have to put an extra one in this room the next time you’re cleaning. You grab the sheet from the manager’s bed and bring it with you to cover you both as you lay down beside the boy.
He shifts a bit and you move in, resting your head at the lower part of his neck, your cheek against his back.
“Hyung?” You hear through his body.
You sense his hesitance and feel his overwhelming sadness and it throws a shadow over your heart. He shouldn’t be so sad and alone like this. You are responsible for making him feel safe. None of your dongsaengs should be in this state.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?" You fret. "Sssshh. Don’t be sad.”
“Jaejoong? Hyung.” He sniffs. “Am I really that goofy all the time? In everyone’s eyes? Am I just someone to laugh at? Someone to make fun of?”
You’re frowning in worry as you take in the sincerity of his simple, slicing words, as you try to stop your heart from hurting for him. How could he be thinking that? How could he not see? Perhaps the teasing had gone a little out of hand. You feel guilty for letting everyone get away with it all. You feel sorry for letting him down, for not making him feel like he is cared for enough.
“No, of course not, baby.”
And then you realize how much you’ve fallen into him. How much he amazes you, how important he is, and how much you want to make him know it, feel this.
“You are magnificent. There is no one in the world like you and none of us could be luckier to have you in our group, in our lives. You are thoughtful and kind and graceful and clumsy and silly and strong and cute and funny and charismatic and handsome and beautiful-”
You snuggle closer and bring your whole body up to his, an arm wrapped around him, sharing your warmth and showing him your true feelings. You nuzzle your nose into his shirt and take a deep breath, smelling his scent. You press your ear against him, listening to his heartbeat.
And I love you.
Junsu-yah~
* * *
The next morning, you prod his duck butt with your foot, teasing him (lovingly) for taking up so much room on the bed. When you head to the kitchen to make breakfast, you open the fridge and slam it close immediately. Now is the time for the overdue one-touch. Eggs, you can understand, but who eats bacon, cheese, and hash browns with their ramen!?