Well i figured i'd update after valentine's day. hmm...well it was a much better valentine's day than in the past...of course never leaving out the one thing on my mind. I refrained from crying though, so i guess that's good? today seemed harder though.
4 years ago yesterday mat killed himself. 4 years ago today i found out. i think today was harder just because it was the day i found out. school is now just a blur to me. but everything after that i remember. i remember walking out of julia's garage and my mom telling me that she had bad news. i just figured maybe one of grandparents died or something. but then she told me mat killed himself. i was in such shock i couldn't even shed a tear. until i got home and i saw sean standing in the kitchen, i just burst out into tears and ran inside and ran downstairs cuz i didn't want anybody to see my crying. i cried so much, i thought it was all just a bad dream. i still can't believe it happened. i didn't even know what to say to sean, i still don't know what to say. the funeral visitation was probably the hardest. hearing everybody's stories and memories of him, looking at all the pictures, and then of course looking at him. just a cold lifeless body. i couldn't believe it was his i was staring at. so much i still wish it wasn't true, but it is, and i have to live with it. but he went too soon. i still don't even know the reason why. i don't know if sean does, im sure he does, im sure mat's parents told him, if, that is, mat even told them. i have only one question for him and that is, why? but it's not like i can ask sean if he knows. i could, but im too chicken. i can't imagine what it was like to be his mom. to walk in your sons room and find him hanging there? having to cut your own son down? that has to be so traumitizing. just thinking about it freaks me out.
walking up to the caskett was hard. i could hear megan and amy and sam sobbing behind me and i looked over at sean and saw his lip treambling and i just started crying. i felt so bad, losing your best friend your senior year of high school. that's when you guys are supposed to have the most fun.
but i lied about only one question i had. i have 2. my other question would be, that when mat called 2 days before and if sean had been home to talk to him, would he still be here? i've awlways wondered that. and im sure sean does too. i feel bad because im sure he was thinking that it was his fault that he didn't call back in time. had he called back the 12th, or been home on the 12th. or called backthe 13th. would he still be here? but he waited too long, the 14th came around and he was gone. had i known that when he was here only a few weeks before that it would be the last time i would ever see mat, i would have given him the biggest hug.
i loved him like a brother. he was so nice to me. i miss him so much and i wish we could just have him back for day, or better yet, forever.
enough of the sob story though... nick sent me roses to school :]. i was in religion and the office is right next to that classroom and you can see people walking into the office from the windows. and some guy walked in with a dog and then they called my name to the office and i was like "omg am i getting a dog?!" but it was some roses. i was so happy and surprised. and then we got together later and he got me the notebook. and we watched that. one of the deleted scenes was quite sexual....probably would have been rated R had they put all that in it. but it was fun...aww i love him <3 :]