Guilt is the worst feeling cont.
Chapter 20 - The jetset life is not gonna kill you
"Where are we sitting, Bren?" Ryan followed Brendon to the back of the plane, until he stopped beside row ‘P’.
"P, a and b, I think. Hang on. I’ll just check," Brendon retrieved the boarding passes from his bag, nodded and began stowing it in the over-head lockers.
They sat down and began flicking through the channels on the Tvs, on the back of the seats in front. The airhostess walked down the aisle, a life jacket in her hand. Ryan noticed she looked bored, like she had done the same thing a thousand times before, which she most likely had.
She began her pre-rehearsed monologue of pointing out the exits and how to put on a life jacket. "In the event of an emergency, put your head between you knees…"
Brendon leaned over to Ryan and whispered "and kiss your ass goodbye!"
"Or the person next to you!" Ryan whispered back, giggling quietly.
"What?!?!? Kiss their ass? You dirty skank, Ryan!" Brendon exclaimed, quite loudly.
The couple in front turned around in their seats, staring intently at them both. Ryan giggled again. "No dumbass, like this." He leant over and gave the staring couple a show they would not forget.
"Oh I get it!" Brendon said, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. "That’s much better than ass-kissing!"
Ryan nodded in agreement and sat back in his seat with a contented sigh and a smile on his face. He let his headrest on Brendon’s shoulder for a while and felt Brendon do the same, on his head. They stayed that way for a long time, savouring each other’s touch.
Ryan lifted his head up, as he had a crick in his neck. Brendon’s head fell back down to Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan looked at him, only to find him asleep, a slight smile on his peaceful face. Ryan stroked his hair, watching Brendon as he slept.
"Brendon," Ryan said, shaking his slightly. "Brendon, wake up."
Brendon opened his eyes groggily and groaned, "Oh I was having a really good dream, then. I was lying on a giant marshmallow and you were squirting cream into my mouth. Why did you wake me up?"
"Because the trolley-dollies are coming with their trolleys of food and I thought you might want some. Anyway, are you sure that dream wasn’t a euphemism for something else?" Ryan replied, smirking.
"Ryan!" Brendon exclaimed, feigning shock. "You dirty boy. Get your mind out of the gutter."
"Oh it’s way below the gutter, Brendon. Anywho, you were the one who dreamt it. What does that say about you, huh?"
"Okay, point taken," Brendon said sheepishly, just as the stewardess pulled up beside them.
"Would you like to purchase and beverages or snacks, or would you like a complimentary cup of tea or coffee?" she said in her chirpy, rehearsed voice, a false smile pasted on her face.
"I’ll have a cup of coffee and a box of Oreo, please" Brendon said politely, to which Ryan added "make that two please."
She poured out their drinks into polystyrene cups and handed them and the Oreo’s over. Taking their money, she moved on, only to repeat her question.
"God, she must be bored out of her tiny little mind, saying that a hundred times over," Brendon sniggered, as the woman asked, yet again, the same thing, further down the plane. He munched on an Oreo, licking the crumbs off his lips.
"Yeah, poor thing. Ah well, no one cares." Ryan replied, light-heartedly, munching on his own Oreo.
A/n
Yay chapter 20 is done… finished…finite…finis!
I think that one was a bit longer so I hope you are please, all you people saying "god they’re tooooo short"
Hope you is liking all my hard work
Xxx Nica xxX
Chapter 21 - Sending postcards from a plane crash
After a lot more sleeping and popping ears, the plane finally landed. As they stepped off the plane, Brendon and Ryan were buffeted by gusts of icy wind, making them huddle together for warmth. They walked across the tarmac, hand in hand, towards the terminal building, and were greeted by heaters. Ryan spotted a shop and went in to have a look. Brendon followed in to find Ryan browsing through a rack of postcards. He picked out a panoramic view of Niagara Falls and commenced to the counter, coins in his hand.
"Who’s that for, Ry?" Brendon asked at last.
"That’s for me to know and you to find out." Ryan replied knowingly, tapping his nose and walking towards the door.
Brendon grabbed a trolley as the both headed in the direction of the baggage carrousels. Spotting their bags, Ryan tried lifting them off, only to let go and fall back into Brendon’s arms.
Laughing, Brendon said "Ry, your stick arms aren’t strong enough. Let me," as he picked up one suitcase in each hand and deposited them on the waiting trolley.
"Hmph," said Ryan, folding his arms and sitting on top. "If you’re so strong, you can push me too."
Brendon sighed and started pushing, while Ryan sat back and relaxed.
The next thing he knew, he was cold again, which therefore meant he must be outside. He got up and rummaged through his slightly squashed bag, to see if Brendon had packed him a jacket, which, of course, he had. Ryan put it on, only then seeing Brendon’s disapproving look.
"Have a nice sleep, did you? I got some funny looks."
"Sorry," Ryan said sheepishly, "but you could have woken me up."
"I tried, Ryan. Really I did. I even slapped you but you were dead to the world."
"Sorry… are we gonna go then?"
"Grr. Come on, I’ll show you the hotel. We just have to get rid of this trolley."
Ryan pushed the trolley to make up for earlier and they walked the short way to the hotel that Brendon had booked. It was large and welcoming, with cosy arm-chairs in the lobby and the heating turned up high.
They checked in, on arrival and were shown to their room by a man in a gold-trimmed, red uniform, which they laughed about, as soon as he had departed.
The room was just as cosy as the lobby, with a large, double bed and fluffy carpets, into which their feet sank.
Flinging himself onto the bed, Ryan let out a sigh and closed his eyes. He heard a thump and felt the bed move, so he opened his eyes to find Brendon gazing intently into them.
After a while, Brendon broke the silence. "What’s on your mind, Ry?" he asked slowly.
"Nothing, why do you ask?" Ryan replied, his voice a little higher than normal.
"Well, it’s usually you who breaks the silence, you always ask me why I am staring at you and your voice goes higher, when you are lying. So, I will ask again. What’s up?" Brendon said, ticking each pint of his fingers.
"Very perceptive, Brendon. Okay. I want a hug, that’s all. It’s been ages since somebody gave me a hug and actually meant it." Ryan said, looking a little embarrassed with himself.
"Aww Ry, you only had to ask. I didn’t know you felt that way, or I would have given you one. I love you, so come here and give me a proper hug, it’s been ages since I had one either." Brendon said sympathetically, holding out his arms. Ryan got up and sat next to Brendon on the bed, collapsing into his arms.
There they sat, Ryan’s head resting on Brendon’s chest, until Brendon could hear muffled snores. Untangling himself, he lay Ryan gently in the bed and began undoing his shoes. After taking them off, he laid them on the floor and began on his own, before lying next to Ryan and hugging him tightly, until sleep took him too.
A/n
Aaw I can just imagine that. Sweet! Anyways, I haven’t updated in a while, but I also haven’t had any reviews. Anyone would think you didn’t want me to update. I have, but there won’t be much more if I don’t get any reviews. It makes me feel unloved, so I will just leave you hanging…
Chapter 22 - It’s not a side effect of the coffee, I’m thinking it must be love
Waking up to hear Brendon snoring slightly, next to him, Ryan removed the arm that had sneaked over him in the night and got up. He rummaged in his bag and found the postcard he had bought and a sharpie, then started writing the things that popped into his head. When the postcard was done, he signed it and left it on his vacant pillow, for Brendon to find when he woke up. Making his way over to the door, Ryan suddenly realised he wasn’t dressed, so he returned silently to the wardrobe, trying desperately not to wake up Brendon, before sneaking out again.
When Brendon woke up, he reached over to hold onto Ryan, his eyes scrunched up to keep out the light. Instead of finding another body, his arms just found empty space before falling on the bed. Opening his eyes, Brendon found that the space next to him was indeed empty. Thinking perhaps Ryan was in the bathroom, he called out "Ryan, are you there?" only to be answered by silence. It was then that he spotted the postcard on Ryan’s pillow. Picking it up, he recognised it as the same one that Ryan had bought at the airport, and he smiled, remembering how Ryan wouldn’t tell him who it was for. Now he knew, as he flipped it over and saw his name at the top.
Dear Brendon,
They say that living is the slowest form of suicide. That by purposefully living, you are one step closer to the end, but when I am with you Brendon, I feel as if I could live forever. I can be who I want to be without judgement or stereotype. My potential knows no bounds, for when I am with you, I am free. You are my rock. You are my anchor. You are my body and my soul. You are always in my mind and my heart. I love you and that love will never diminish, it will outlive our bodies and will be eternally ours.
Ryan. Xxx
PS in case you’re wondering where I am, I’m out getting breakfast. X
Brendon re-read the postcard several time, committing it to memory, before putting it back in its original position, getting back into bed and closing his eyes. There he stayed, waiting, until he heard the key in the lock, so he rolled over to hide his face from Ryan, so as not to give himself away.
Ryan walked in, a Starbucks bag in his hands, first seeing Brendon ‘asleep’ and then the postcard on the pillow. Picking it up, he placed it in the bin with a sigh.
"Don’t do that" Brendon said quickly.
"Do what?" Ryan replied, putting down the bags and taking out 2 coffees and two cranberry and orange muffins.
"Don’t throw it away. I want to keep it."
"You read it?" Ryan asked, confused by what Brendon was saying.
"Yes, I did and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, apart from you, that is. I only wish I could put my feelings into words like that, Ry, because I don’t know how you did it. I know this sounds inferior, after what you wrote, but I love you too, with all my heart."
"You don’t even need to say it, Bren. You being here with me is words enough." Ryan said before going over to Brendon and kissing him with as much love and passion as he could muster.
Brendon came up for air and Ryan kissed his neck lightly. "Do you want me to stop?" he asked.
"Not really," Brendon answered "but those coffees are going cold and you know the only smell I love as much as your hair is muffins. You and the muffins shouldn’t be so tempting."
Ryan chuckled, handed Brendon his breakfast before tucking into his own, feeling utterly contented.
Xxx Nica xxX
Chapter 23 - Of all the gin joints in all the world
"Ryro?" Brendon called out that evening. "‘Cause it’s our last day, do you feel like going to the bar? I want some alcohol!"
"Yeah, sure, just let’s not stay too long. We don’t want to miss the flight in our drunken state," said Ryan seriously, fighting to keep the humour out of his voice.
"What? Moi? Drunk?" replied Brendon in mock outrage. "The cheek of some people!"
"Okay, slight tipsy-ness then. Is that better?"
"Perfecto! Let’s go and get drunk!"
"Hey, I thought you just said…" Ryan started but was cut off by Brendon grabbing him and marching him out the door.
The bar was modern, totally out of place with the rest of the hotel, but the fact that it sold alcohol stopped the two noticing anything, but the barmaid.
"What’ll it be, boys?" she asked, as they stepped up.
"Vodka shots" Brendon replied quickly before Ryan could get a word in.
"Coming right up," she said and turned away.
"I was thinking more along the lines of alcopops to begin with, but if you’re sure. You don’t wait do you?"
"Ugh, who wants to go slowly?" Brendon laughed, as two shot glasses appeared on the bar. "Down in one?"
"Of course. Bottoms up!" Ryan said, downing his shot and slamming it on the bar. "Okay, it’s my turn to choose now. Hmm, I know, we’ll have peach and lime daiquiris. Have you ever tried one?"
"A peach and lime what?" Brendon asked stupidly.
"Daiquiri, Brendon. They’re amazing and extremely alcoholic."
"Alcoholic, you say? Well, we’ll have tow of them whatsitsnames." Brendon shouted, and a few minutes later, they appeared on the bar also.
"Ooh Ryro, that tastes prettyful, all peachy and limy and daiquiri-y-y-y, hehe" Brendon giggled after his second of the same.
"Are you drunk already, Brendon? You lightweight." Ryan asked.
"Noooooo, silly. Love you. Hehe"
"I think you are, and I’m not drunk enough. I want a double, please." Ryan ordered, handing over his money.
An hour or two later, Ryan and Brendon were still at the bar, surrounded by empty glasses.
"Ryry, I'm sleepy, I wanna go beddy." Brendon slurred, closing his eyes.
"Oki Doki, Hokey Cokey," Ryan said, humming the Hokey Cokey under his breath. He got up; nearly tripped over Brendon and they both made their way to the door.
They were almost at the top of the stairs when Ryan asked "Bren, are you ticklish?"
Brendon turned stopped and turned around.
"Oh noes" was all he had time to say before Ryan pounced.
Brendon screamed and pushed Ryan away.
He lost his balance…
Chapter 24 - I’ve seen sinking ships go down with more grace than you
He fell.
Down.
Down.
Down.
Down.
Down.
Brendon could see him rolling, hear his bones crack, feel every bounce of every step. Brendon stood petrified, rooted to the spot as his best friend, boyfriend, the love of his life, landed at the bottom of the stairs, unmoving. Then he ran.
"Ryan! Somebody help me!" he screamed, taking two, three steps at a time. By the time he reached the bottom, there was a crowd of people surrounding Ryan.
"Let me through, he’s my…" my what? What kind of person pushes their boyfriend down the stairs "…he’s my friend."
"I’ve called an ambulance. They should be here soon," said a voice from the crowd. Brendon nodded dumbly, concentrating on holding Ryan’s hand. "I’m here, Ry, don’t worry. It’s gonna be fine," he repeated over and over, more to reassure himself than Ryan. Now he knew how Ryan felt before - the guilt - he caused this.
The ambulance arrived and took Ryan and Brendon to the nearest hospital. People were talking. To Brendon? He didn’t know. It was just noise in his ears.
The ambulance stopped, bringing Brendon out of his shock and drink induced stupor. The paramedics took Ryan somewhere so Brendon followed. He was told to wait outside. He didn’t want to leave Ryan so he sat down right outside the window to watch. When the doctors left he ran into the room and resumed his vigil by Ryan’s side.
The next thing Brendon knew, there was an incessant beeping and people surrounding Ryan’s bed. Someone told him to go out and get a drink and something to eat. "We’ll call you in later," she said.
Brendon got up and went towards the coffee machine that was pointed out to him. The coffee was lukewarm, near undrinkable. Maybe I’ll have more luck out of the hospital
Brendon left and went up the street. He spotted a small shop and went inside, later coming out with a bottle of vodka in his hands.
He traipsed back to the hospital and sank down outside, pressing the bottle to his lips and taking a large swig. It made him cough but he didn’t care. Until he realised the cause of Ryan’s accident. Drink, or more specifically, Brendon drinking.
Taking the bottle, Brendon smashed it against the wall, shattering it and cutting his hands. I deserve it
The hospital doors opened, reminding Brendon that Ryan was still in there. He went in and found Ryan’s room again. The beeping had stopped, but there were still people around, prodding and poking at the still body.
Somebody noticed Brendon’s hands and led him away to be sorted out. He had to sit and wait patiently while fragments of glass were removed. I deserve the pain, but Ryan doesn’t deserve his
Xxx Nica xxX
Chapter 25 - The only difference between martyrdom and suicide is press coverage
Brendon’s POV
He’ll hate me. I booked this holiday to show him how much I love him and now this. I could’ve killed him. He might… die… because of me. I pushed him. This was no accident, it was a chain of events, starting with me. Why didn’t I save him? I'm a coward. I deserve to die not him. I deserve to… no. I will die. I’ll save him from me.
Normal POV
Having made his decision, Brendon got up ad left the hospital. He walked purposefully towards the shop he had been at earlier, knowing full well he couldn’t cut himself like Ryan, or shoot himself (where would he get a gun?) he bought 5 bottles of vodka. The cowards way out. He would drink till he couldn’t feel.
Walking along the road, he realised he couldn’t do it without saying goodbye to Ryan. He went in and sat in the chair next to the bed.
"Ry, I love you. I'm so sorry I did this to you. You don’t deserve it and I don’t deserve you, so…" he choked, tears spilling down his face. "You should go and find someone who’ll love you and wont hurt you like I do. Goodbye." He kissed Ryan then sat back down and opened the first bottle. Brendon gulped the vodka down like it was water, disregarding the burn in his throat, not taking a breath.
Soon, the first and second bottles were finished; lying discarded on the floor. The third and fourth soon followed, the fifth half empty in Brendon’s hand, draped over the arm of the chair. The bottle dropped and smashed on the floor, sending shards of glass bouncing, but Brendon was too far gone to notice.
Five minutes
Ten minutes
Twenty minutes
One hour
Ryan’s eyes flickered open, closed, then opened again. He could see clearly that time.
"Brendon, where am I?" he croaked, his throat sore from the tubes that had been there not long ago. He tried to roll over, but found that it hurt too much. Instead he turned his head over slowly. First he saw Brendon, slumped in the chair, supposedly asleep. Then he saw the bottles.
"Help! Somebody help him please" he tried to scream but it was barely a whisper. Ryan reached over, ignoring the stabbing pain coursing through his body and found the call button.
After an agonising wait, the doorknob turned and a nurse came in.
"Are you…" she started but she was cut off.
"Help him please." She turned and saw Brendon, then opened the door. "We need a trolley in here please. Suspected alcohol poisoning." She shouted then went over to the chair. Feeling for a pulse, she shouted "He’s asystolic, get him into resus now!" as more doctors and nurses cam into the room. They lifted Brendon up and put him on the trolley before wheeling him out.
Once again ignoring his pain, Ryan tried to get out of his bed. He failed, instead collapsing in a heap on the floor. Shouting was futile so he dragged himself up to reach the call button again.
Another nurse came in and asked "What’re you doing down there, dear?" before going over to help.
"I need to see him. Please." Ryan whispered.
"Ok, I’ll see what I can do. Let’s just get you up first."
She helped him onto the chair before leaving. She returned a while later, with a wheel chair.
"Is he… dead?