(no subject)
Title: Sing You To Sleep
Part: 1/2
Pairing: Derek/Addison
Summary: Addison returns to Seattle after an unsuccessful outing in California and Derek decides that they can manage being friends.
For: thesevoices
A/N: I always manage to take prompts at the worst possible times, but the rest are coming along, slowly but surely. Two parts to this because once I hit 30 pages I realized it had to be broken up. My thanks to Kendel who reads, fixes, and in general holds my hand while I try and "write". Enjoy-
~-~-~-~-~-~
Sing You To Sleep
- Paper Route
~-~-~-~-~-~
The rain beats down against the panes of glass mercilessly, daring them to give in. The thunder claps loudly in the background, well above the limit of her thresholds, pushing past what she's comfortable sleeping through. Storms scare Addison, and she finds it stupid and childish, but it's there and since there isn't anyone in Los Angeles that isn't married and is willing to hold her tight she simply clutches a pillow to her chest and tries to fall asleep again. She uses images of someone who loves her deeply enough to understand that the freak out will pass, but that it is also very real, as a canvas of self-soothing, hoping it will be enough even when it never is.
When the sky roars to life once more, cracking through the blackness, she sighs and gives up, flicking on the bedside lamp and reaching for the dog-eared page that was lulling her to sleep. The humidity of the night creeps in under her windowsills, the heat still present despite the current reprieve. She decides to embrace it, to grow up in a sense. Her feet shuffle across the floor of her very meticulously decorated bedroom, and she throws open the doors in a manner that she thinks says 'fuck you too' and then marches back to bed semi-victoriously.
On the third straight day of clouds and splattering droplets she lets go of ever getting a decent eight hours. In retrospect, it's something she should have conceded months ago, when her own personal storm began to kick up. Waking nightmares spoiling the dust that had finally started to settle, causing little puffs of dirt to swirl through the air. But then, that's simply the way her life works.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"I'm pregnant," Addison blurts out suddenly, watching Noah grapple with reality by dropping the chart in his hand onto the solid floor beneath them. There was really no other way to say it.
The most joyous moment of her life isn't remotely happy, it's catastrophe.
She feels his hand usher her into a spare closet at the end of the hall, and she realizes slowly that all hospitals work the same way. Unfortunately, she's had all she can have of caring because the spawn of Satan she is busy growing makes her sick every two seconds. He's going to be lucky if she doesn't flip over the bucket in the corner and throw up. And because the nausea is swarming, and her head is spinning, she lets him speak first. She allows him some momentary control.
"But we...only once...you said that you were...you know," he gestures vaguely. "And...I have Mia now- and Mor-gan hasn't r-recovered from-" Noah stutters helplessly.
And she's done. Plus she has about ten seconds left anyway. "I wanted you to know is all, I don't need anything from you." His blabbering indecision is enough of a sign that he doesn't want this so she ducks out and promptly hits the closest bathroom. There are no second thoughts, her mind practically made up before he was even given a chance. The cool water on her face minutes later does nothing to stop the mounting tears and the constant plague of wondering why no one ever picks her over anything else, even if it is unreasonable to ask.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Addison flips over the thirty-fifth glossy page trying to get comfortable with the sound of water pelting her house. She's not sure how rain can move sideways, but it's the only explanation for the level of clatter happening outside. Her heart seizes suddenly as a bolt of lightning carves into the invisible stars, and she slams one of her legs down on the bed in frustration. Fortunately, the sudden clench in her stomach ushers her out of the room before she can complain again. She made it that way, recklessly protecting all she had left. That's when the impulsive urge first strikes.
Twenty minutes later, after collecting her sleep deprived thoughts and weary feet, she begins to pack.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Addison's back?" Alex asks as Bailey offers up special assignments for the day. He watches Meredith perk up her ears, in trained interest, but she soon gets over it as Bailey nods.
"Go," Miranda orders, smiling as Addison prances toward the counter to grab her own charts.
"Karev, I assume you're interested in learning something again?" Addison asks snarkily and then turns around, walking away before he has an actual chance to reply. When he catches up to her determined stride she sighs, "I am back. I will not discuss it."
"Didn't ask," Alex retorts easily, falling into their love/hate "relationship".
"I heard about O'Malley," Addison says softly, the mention of the recently deceased resident still shrouding the busy hospital. She pauses to watch Alex deflect and then continues, "I'm glad Izzie is doing better though."
"Me too," Alex agrees and then uncharacteristically adds, "I don't know what I'm doing anymore."
"Me neither," Addison supplies, but then turns abruptly into their first patient's room before either one can fall victim to the pity they are so sick of receiving.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Derek?" Addison asks softly, working her way up the swamped counter to where her ex-husband is scrawling something illegible all over a chart. She kind of misses translating his sloppy work to the confused interns and nurses that have to decipher it day in and day out.
"Hrm?" Derek replies, eyes down, hand holding up his head so he won't have to.
"Do you have a minute?" Her tone is controlled, serious, it grabs his drifting attention.
"Everything all right?"
"Yeah," Addison gulps. "Everything is...good, I just wanted to speak with you...alone, if I could- I mean if you aren't busy with...that." She catches herself from rambling any further and begins to trace a path through the overloaded hall, stealing one of Richard's empty conference rooms to do her dirty work.
Derek trails her wordlessly, mind bending over backwards thinking of what could possibly need to be said in private. Hopefully it does not revolve around Archer, Bizzy, or any other insane family member that he is now freed from. He sits on the table, crossing his feet over one another and waits for her to put him at ease.
Addison takes a deep breath, drawing it in as slowly as possible and finishes with a long gulp. Theirs is an especially explosive relationship, which was great fun and alternately absolutely soul wrecking. She prepares herself for his yelling, tells herself that this is the right thing to do, that they are civil and that he is owed at least an announcement. After spending almost fifteen years with one another, well it's not the sort of thing you want to hear from Nurse Olivia while she mocks your misfortune. "I'm pregnant."
Derek feels his chest clench tightly and then release a wave of intense pleasure, warmness sweeping his body, head to tingling toes. He smiles brightly, shocked, and then hugs her loosely, careful but meaningful. "That's...great Addie. That's really...wonderful news," he chuckles a little. "I thought you were dragging me in here to tell me Archer had died or something."
"No," Addison replies moronically, stunned by his reaction. It's as though they've been transported back in time.
"I'm happy for you," Derek tells her earnestly, pulling back, his hands slapping the table.
"Thank you," Addison blushes. She's not sure her head is working, and her eyes are definitely glossed over in appreciation for his lack of antics.
"Are you excited?" Derek asks, interested by this development. It's time a good thing happen around Seattle Grace, and he's not exactly that petty, at least not anymore.
"I uh..." Addison stops. She hadn't really given herself the opportunity to be happy or excited. She was wrapped up in being consumed by fear, simultaneous guilt. Too consumed with working, moving, and getting on with life that she forgot life was happening-inside her nonetheless. "I yeah, I guess I am."
"Well," Derek shifts suddenly, moving closer. "If you need anything, I'm still here you know."
Addison nods, words not formed just yet as he hugs her once more and then drifts from the room. She smiles shyly to herself. She had picked the hardest for first, everyone else was going to be a cakewalk.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Addison," Mark gapes, nearly a month later, pulling her into a on-call room and kicking out the lower ranking members that are cramping his style. "What is this?" he demands, pointing to her stomach, voice in a predatory growl.
Instead of being defensive, and still a little too bruised to deal with him actually caring again Addison simply says, "It's not your problem." She got through Richard, Miranda, Callie, Naomi, and Derek but Mark was always out of her reach- until now.
"So you'll keep his kid!" Mark shouts, tone in full force, fist connecting with the metal rail of the bunk beds causing them to jolt against the wall.
Addison bites her lip, not wanting to explain that yes, she will because it's her only chance, and that when she thinks over her most loathsome crimes that their almost-child always tops the ever expanding list. "I have to scrub in."
"This is what you're going to do!" Mark yells back at her, hurt and enraged, upset that he still feels like this even after making amends with his girlfriend and moving in together. The redhead has a control over him that he would like back. A part of him is terrified she can't relinquish it, alternately he knows that nothing would cut deeper.
"It doesn't concern you," Addison makes clear, leaning wearily against the door, chiding herself for thinking Mark wouldn't notice the subtle change in her body before she could get up the nerve to tell him. He always was too good at that. When he slumps into the cold tile she takes advantage of her height and towers over him. "Please don't say anything to anyone."
"I don't owe you anything Addison," Mark sneers pettily.
"You're my friend...or I like to think we are still friends," Addison corrects. "You don't have to do it for me, but you'll be an uncle. Good training, you know for when you and Lexie decide to take the dive into parenthood."
Mark looks up suddenly, almost catching his face against the smooth metal of the beds. "I guess."
"You'll be a great Mark," Addison offers weakly before dashing out the door to find the nearest available corner to succumb to her raging hormones.
Perhaps she underestimated him.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"How are you feeling?" Richard asks worriedly, watching Addison scrub out, shoulders slumped forward, eyes drooping heavily.
"Good," she tells him, letting the soap coat her skin, preferring to watch the bubbles pop instead of his tell-all eyes.
"I don't believe you Addie," Richard asserts loudly, grabbing her attention for half of a second.
"Really, I'm fine."
"You're tired," Richard points out, leaning against the counter patiently. If Miranda Bailey takes an interest in someone's well being for the day he will damn sure take notice too.
"We're all tired Richard. It's part of the job, but I'm fine."
"Bailey said-"
"Miranda is simply looking out for me, and while I appreciate that," Addison says slowly as she reaches for a towel to dry off her hands, "I'm a big girl. Besides, this is what I do, trust me. I'm good remember?"
"I'm watching you," Richard warns but then lets her escape out the door for what he hopes is a quick meal and maybe a nap instead of the patients he fears she's about to round on.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Derek spots a familiar redhead at the end of the hall, curled onto a spare gurney, a flimsy blanket serving as her pillow. Her scrubs are bunched around her knees, mouth slightly open, hands delved under her head for extra support. Since no one is watching, the pathway oddly idle, he takes it upon himself. "Addison," he whispers, mouth winding words around the ridge of her ear.
Addison peels her tongue free, smacking her lips for a second as her eyes adjust to the dim hallway light. "Did I miss a page?" she asks, her heart skipping a beat for poor Mrs. Peterson who will just not get into active labor already so Addison can get the hell home.
"Don't know," Derek replies honestly, snatching the pager off the ground that Addison must have knocked off the bed during her nap. "Nope," he says chucking it back on the mattress, sitting down next to her.
"Then what did you want?" Addison snaps.
"Cranky," Derek notes. "Not that you weren't always a ball of sunshine when you had just woken up."
"Sorry," Addison says disingenuously, wiping the sleep from her blurry eyes.
"You should head home," Derek tells her, sliding a hand up to straighten out the hair that has matted to side of her cheek. "People will start to catch on, Addison Forbes Montgomery does not nap in the hallway among the interns."
"Yes she does," Addison shrugs. "I'm exhausted."
"Want a ride?" Derek offers, displaying a rare smile, one without the teeth, lips stretched impossibly high, head tilted, commiserative no doubt.
"3167, Mrs. Patter-Peterson. Can't," Addison replies, waking up more by the second, her stomach rumbling with ill-timed hunger.
"Someone else-"
"I promised her. She's my patient Derek. Work hazard. I'm going to go grab something to eat." Addison hops down, trying to escape the conversation as quickly as humanly possible. She gives her ex-husband a fake grin and a slight wave before turning around and heading for the cafeteria. She's entirely not surprised when he follows.
"You okay?" Derek asks, noting her sway as they wait in line.
"Yeah, good. Just a little tired, nothing major," Addison replies, yawning as she thinks about the pleasant nap that was just snatched away from her.
"You need to sleep more-" he holds a hand up when she is about to let loose on him. "I know you have patients but it's important, I was reading about the first trimester and-"
"Wait," Addison says leering at his newly professed knowledge about her field. "You were reading?"
"I had time between patients," Derek explains, "It's no- you need to sleep more. I'm being concerned. I reserve that right."
Addison folds herself into a stiff chair lazily, enviously looking over at his tray. He was more awake, he did a much better job. Contemplating their new "rights" she pushes her hand out and snags his bag of chips.
"Hey-"
"Baby is hungry," Addison shrugs, grinning coyly as he settles back and pulls an energy bar from his pocket. They both know he bought them for her, but neither will admit it aloud. All in all, Addison thinks, his anxieties seem to be paying off. For now.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Derek watches Mark pinching the bridge of his nose relentlessly a week later, hunched over a computer, pretending to be researching something or another. He's not fooling Derek, and besides it's a gateway to conversation; never needed before, now a sought after commodity. Addison has been missing lately, not in her usual spots when he looks. She's not stashed away in her office of even on the board, it's disconcerting, and since he can't very well call her he figures Mark is his next best bet. "Hey man."
"Hey," Mark grunts, keeping his red eyes trained down. It was a rough night. It's been a rough week.
"Aspirin?" Derek offers, prepared to go all the way back to his office for the guy he used to call his brother.
"Nope," Mark replies. He's not hungover, at least not physically. Emotionally, yes. After picking a petty fight with Lexie he successfully managed to fuck up the one thing that was worth not fucking up. Self-destruction at its finest reared last night as Lexie declared that she didn't know how she ever considered even changing her ten year plan for him. All in a evening's work for Mark Sloan.
"Hey, so..." Derek bridges over willfully. "Is...Have you heard anything about Addison? I haven't seen her much this week."
Mark smirks under his hands. It begins again. Their vicious circle of pain, betrayal, and lust. He can't say he didn't see this coming. If only Addison would have stayed where she belonged then Mark would still be semi-happy, and Derek here wouldn't be skirting around an issue he has no business in. Some things, Mark reckons, are better left learned alone.
"She's back?" he guesses ruthlessly. He's stayed the hell away from her since her admission, and by the gossip circulating the walls about Hunt and Yang he'd say that her secret is safe so far. And even if he does truly hate her (and love her, and hate that he has feelings both ways) she doesn't deserve to be outed to her ex-husband. Slowly but surely Mark is learning his place in their threesome.
"She's been back," Derek retorts offended at the stupidity of the remark. "Where is she? What do you know?"
"Nothing you won't find out sooner or later," Mark answers, and skips from the room suddenly feeling infinitely lighter.
No one ever said he didn't take pleasure in another's pain.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Addison mumbles softly over the clatter of a cold spoon in her mouth, shoveling mountain after mountain of smooth, rich ice cream in to delight her frosty tongue. Long days deserve ice cream, and since it's just as likely to come right back up she believes she deserves to eat something that won't burn a whole in her throat with acid. For now though, the full feeling her stomach is getting, a first in forever is delightful. At fourteen weeks she's beginning to wonder if the morning sickness will ever fade. Karma, she mutters out loud to herself, sweet karma.
The knock at her hotel room door seconds later is met with a swift kick to the comforter around her feet as she dances to get upright. Once settled, she tugs down the bright blue tank top that is threatening to ride up with her ever bulging stomach. And because it's relatively early in the evening, only four or so on her only day off this week, she doesn't bother checking to see who it is.
Addison pulls back the door without haste, prepared to see room service with her new found love-a bacon cheeseburger. "Derek," Addison gulps, without a coat nearby to throw on over her tight shirt and pajama shorts. "I thought you were room service."
He walks in dumbfounded, staring at the carpet. He's had too many visions of what she would look like carrying around his kid for this not to be minutely painful. "Are you okay? Is the baby okay?" he expels without breathing in, looking around frantically for used tissues and old socks, any indications that she may not be feeling top notch.
"What...Derek, what are you doing here?"
Derek swallows roughly, causing his throat to revolt at the suddenness of his actions. "I thought you were sick. You haven't been at work, and no one knew where you were. I asked Bailey, and even Mark-"
"Now you check in on me?"
"I don't know," he answers truthfully. But he blames her too, for staying in the same hotel, the same room number even. It's not like she made it difficult for him to track her down. "We're friends, we had lunch and stuff," he motions, watching her fluster sprout as she disappears to find a robe to throw on over her scantily clad legs. They've never looked longer, tanner. His mouth waters involuntarily, and shame washes over him relentlessly.
"You're really pregnant," Derek tells her when she returns, sitting on the bed and confiscating her spoon back as they silently begin to battle. He watches the silky fabric of her robe shift when she moves an inch. He hadn't noticed at work, she was almost always in scrubs now, but here it's blatantly obvious. He reaches out a hand to touch the small curve, so enticing, but she knocks him away before he gets a chance to see what it is like.
"And you're really observant," Addison mocks as he stares her down, slightly confused as to why he is beginning to take off his shoes and settle in on her comforter.
"Who is the father?" Derek asks selfishly, jealously, bringing himself to go there as they share a tub of calories.
"I...it's not important," she looks around the room, "It's good though. It'll be all right."
"Are you going to raise this baby in a hotel room?" Derek ventures, heart beginning to race. Sure, it's not his place, but he feels oddly territorial that someone knocked up his wife-ex-wife. He chalks it up to a man thing. Besides someone has to look out for her.
"I'm still looking," Addison replies. She's sifted through a few ads, called a few realtors, but nothing has looked quite right yet.
"Great Addison," Derek snorts. Managing time was never her strong suit. "So you'll move in and give birth in the same week. Brilliant-"
"Hey!" She yells at him defensively, changes rearing their ugly heads. "I didn't ask you to come here and tell me I'm an idiot. You don't get to yell at me anymore. You don't get to ask these questions after I tell you that I'm okay."
"Fine," Derek snaps at her, stalking towards his exit, shoes in hand, feeling his time expire.
"And..." Addison begins slowly, watching Derek grow angry at her, "I'm not sick...Richard just made me take time off after he found me asleep at my desk."
"Good," Derek says belatedly, remembering the reason he came there-not to berate her into submission. "Time off...is good for you...and the baby."
"Yeah," Addison agrees, his fury dissipating rapidly as he stalls at the door.
"Can I-" Derek tries timidly, walking back toward her. "Can I feel?"
Addison looks down, where his hand is stretching to once again, and then hurriedly backs up, stepping on her own feet. "I'd...rather you didn't." She hasn't even come to terms with the little thing jetting out of her, her own fingers don't grace that area even in the dark.
"Okay," Derek nods sadly, finding his own way out. "I'll see you-"
"I'll be there tomorrow," Addison informs him, feeling pathetic and childish for pushing him away. It's nothing, she should be a bigger person. "Night Derek."
~-~-~-~-~-~
Derek sinks against the wall of the hotel, just outside of the elevator, absorbed and overwhelmed with new feelings. He's just trying to help, to take of her. Check on her when she doesn't come to work, make sure she has enough blankets when she falls asleep in the dingy on call rooms, ensure that her locker has plenty of snack food that is healthy.
All he wanted to do is make certain that she wasn't stuck head over the toilet or shaking with chills in her bed. He had good intentions. It didn't turn out right. It rarely does with them.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"You're like...permanently pissed off or something. What the hell did Karev do today?" Callie asks, looking up from her lunch tray at Addison who appears to be too enraged to eat anything. Instead she fiercely sips at a poor defenseless water bottle.
"I- what?" Addison responds, confused as Callie brings her back from glaring at the table of people that includes Alex, but also houses Derek, the intended recipient of her chilly glances.
"What is going on with you lately?" Callie questions, trying to get to the bottom of a week long guessing game. She narrowed it down to Alex and work, but apparently she's way off base.
"Nothing," Addison says assuredly, trying to pay attention to the conversation, Derek's voice carrying across into her thoughts. She always was a sucker for when he took notice and actually cared.
"Right," Callie drawls, following her friend's eyes once more.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Addison takes the time to look before inadvertently opening up her life again, only to see a bundle of colorful flowers blocking her view. She opens the door anyway, allowing Derek Shepherd in to pounce all over her life decisions once more. "Look, I don't want to hear it," Addison begins her rant, she's had about six days to come up with it while they simmered. And his ulterior motives-her being sick-they must have been a cover. He's manipulative like that. "I'm doing what I'm doing and I don't need your approval...even if you were just trying to be nice."
"I know that," Derek interjects, setting the neatly wrapped bundle of fragrant flowers onto the table and searching the room for a vase.
Addison disappears into the bathroom, pulling out a tall glass and fills it with water. "And just so we are clear- you don't get to tell me that I'm ruining my child. That's not your call anymore Derek."
"You're right," Derek agrees, taking the makeshift container and unwrapping the flowers he just bought out on the street corner. It's a mixed bunch, not something he would normally get her, but he felt it really couldn't hurt his case.
"And I'll live where I want to live-"
"Addison," Derek interjects, situating the flowers on an otherwise empty table. "I'm here to apologize for all of that."
"Oh," Addison breathes slowly. That doesn't happen often.
"It was wrong of me to poke my nose into your business, and I'm sorry. Friends?" It's uncharacteristic of his normal nature, but he's drawn to her. He wants to watch this process, he needs to be a part of it. It was a plan in his head for so long that he just can't let the dream go, even if it needs to be altered a little.
"Friends?" Addison parrots uncomfortably.
"A step up from civilized. It may be hard but I think we are capable," Derek smiles, offering her a hand to shake just in case.
"Do you now?" Addison dares, foolishly shaking his hand anyway, ignoring the sparks that fly from her flesh as they connect briefly. It's probably not her best plan, but she can't stop herself.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Six weeks later, Addison has a bowl of popcorn with cheese balanced on her stomach, and Derek on her side flipping through random channels. They're both dog-tired, but Wednesdays have sort of become their days so they'll endure through the yawns and droopy eyelids just to see one another.
Most of the time they stay in, curled up in Addison's hotel room, but sometimes they go out to dinner or take a stroll in the park. She doesn't ask what he is thinking when he steers her out of the way of bikers by placing a warm hand on her lower back, and he doesn't question what she is doing when she jumps at scary movies and accidentally ends up crawling nearly on top of him. It's them, and these are the things they have always done together.
She steals food off of his plate that he doesn't want anyway, and he brings her breakfast and leaves it in her locker so she'll eat something sustainable in the morning hours. She fixes his scrub cap when it begins to sag, and he ties her shoes before surgery when she refuses to admit that it's becoming a chore she can live without. She steals his scrubs when she's pushing nineteen weeks because she needs some space but can't bear to reorder something larger, and he brushes her hair off her face when it falls out from behind her ear.
They do it without hesitation, without thought. There's no premeditation or incentives. This is who they are and how they operate.
To the world outside of Seattle Grace, they are a couple. To Derek and Addison it is merely a friendship of convenience and support in a time of need, or so they say when everyone asks what is going on.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"What did I miss?" Derek pants, rushing into the exam room and taking a seat next to Addison.
"Nothing," Addison sighs, way behind schedule, her doctor obviously not caring that she has a c-section to perform in about an hour. When she mentioned the appointment, in order to get out of lunch with Derek, she didn't think that he would take it upon himself to show up.
"You must be the father, I'm Dr. Paulson, nice to finally meet you." The doctor extends a friendly hello and Derek doesn't bother correcting him. It feels kind of nice for someone to think this is his child. Addison, on the other hand, looks mortified.
"So before I set up shop here, you guys want to know the sex right?"
Derek looks to Addison, wondering if she already knows somehow. "Addie?"
"Uh- yeah," Addison replies, distracted and worn down. Their movie night ran long, both of them falling asleep on the couch and she had to kick him out at two in the morning, something neither of them wanted but something that had to be done just the same. She loves the way his arms automatically folded around her but she didn't want to deal with Meredith or the resident evils giving her more of a hard time. Addison's found that not asking is really the best policy and Meredith is not her issue, she's Derek's.
"It's a boy. Congratulations Addison," Dr. Paulson says jovially, breaking into her inner monologue that questions where the hell Meredith Grey always is when Derek happens to be around.
Addison doesn't respond until she feels Derek squeezing her hand excitedly.
"A boy Addie," Derek breathes ecstatically. "I can teach him how to play catch and we'll go to the games. Maybe Mark will want to come-Addison?"
"A boy?" she squeaks unsure. God, she was positive it was a girl. A girl she could handle. Bears, Barbies, and dresses. Tea parties and braiding hair.
"Yup, definitely a boy in there," Dr. Paulson replies, well used to disbelief.
Addison swallows the bubbling nausea that's rapidly building pressure in her stomach. A boy is trucks and sports and forts, none of which she is good at. There is no father, she reminds herself, trying to get used to the idea of trains and bathroom humor. Suddenly, for the first time, it becomes paralyzing and she clamps her eyes shut as Dr. Paulson finishes what he is doing. She can still feel Derek practically buzzing out of his skin, itching with desire to play with her son.
Once the warmed gel is wiped clean of her expanding skin she hops down off the table and stuffs her socked feet back into the blue crocs on the ground. She keeps her hand away from her kicking son and heads straight for the door.
"Addison?" Derek calls out behind her, holding up a picture of the sonogram he just witnessed.
"Surgery!" she shouts back, rushing from the room, rushing off to mourn this latest development.
She uses the remaining forty minutes of her time to cry into toilet paper wads just twenty feet down the hall. It's becoming a more glorious mess by the second.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"I brought juju," Derek announces, sliding the cup toward her, ignoring the nurses glares. Meredith is on call and he is off and spending time with Addison. It's their day, routine.
"Derek, I'm really not in the mood to hang out tonight. Maybe...another time," Addison replies, scribbling into a chart and then handing it back over to the woman behind the counter. She's almost free to go wallow in her bed, and scold herself for ever thinking it was a good idea to raise her baby alone.
"I had a feeling you may say that," Derek tells her proudly. "So I took the liberty of ordering room service ahead of time, scheduled to arrive when we do, and I went down to the video store on my lunch and grabbed some old classics that I remember you liking. Just a night in with your crazy cravings." He takes a sip of the cooling hot chocolate and then pushes it back toward her.
Addison decides to break the barrier of things they don't talk about to save herself from this. The caring and the nice gestures, it's all too much and she doesn't understand why he is going above and beyond, even for a friend. "What about Meredith?"
"What about her?" Derek asks nonchalantly, leaning into the counter.
"What does she think?"
"You're my friend," Derek replies, although he feels something much differently for her currently. The way she's grown, softened, the maternal side of Addison is too attractive and alluring to resist. And if he can't have her, then he can at least be around while it happens. "She doesn't mind. Better than getting drunk at Joe's."
"True," Addison concedes, dealt a losing hand. Meredith couldn't care less, she hadn't banked on that.
"I really am done with today Derek."
"I know," he says, pushing her growing hair out of the way. "It'll be a relaxing night, maybe I'll throw in a foot massage if you are lucky."
And even though they shouldn't, they do. And even when he knows better than to lay a finger on her, he pushes his hands over her creamy, pale calves trying to loosen a few muscles in the name of helping her aching legs. He can't help the electricity between them, and nothing sexual is happening so he feels reassured. Hours later, milkshakes devoured, second movie playing, Addison collapses and scoots her way over to Derek's lap, lying her head across his legs just like she used to back in New York. The second his fingers twine through her hair, twisting and brushing, she knows they have a major problem.
What's worse is she does nothing but let her eyes fall closed and enjoy the way it feels to simply be them-even if she has to pretend and skip over the last few years-again.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Addison awakens to a sudden pressure over her ribs, and twists uncomfortably to escape. She lands on the floor one second later, legs tangled in the comforter that she is accustomed to being on the bed she normally sleeps in. As her eyes adjust she makes out the coffee table a foot in front of her and jabs at her cell phone until it illuminates the surrounding area.
Derek. Couch. Bad.
"Derek," Addison says loudly, smacking his chest. She watches his hand sleepily reach out for her body to snuggle against, just like all of those particularly brutal winters long ago. Every inch, every uncontrolled movement brings her one step closer to the edge. "Derek wake up."
"Ten more minutes Addie," he grumbles, voice scratchy, mind fuzzy.
Addison stomps over toward the light switch and flips it on joyously, even though it causes her pain too. Her ex-husband stumbles upright, rubbing his eyes and cursing at her. "We have to stop doing this, it's four in the morning Derek."
"Sleep," Derek instructs weakly, pointing to the bed. "You need to sleep."
"I can't!" Addison shrieks suddenly, the weeks worth of debilitating collapse melting together. "I can't sleep with you here."
"I'm sleeping on the couch-"
"So was I!" Addison yells back at him. "We were..."
"Oh," Derek murmurs, the footholds of dreams finally beginning to dredge away. Dreams of him and Addison, the baby. Playing, laughing, living. No good.
"You need to leave. Now," she instructs, motioning to the door behind her and straightening her clothes. Sure, it's his t-shirt technically, and maybe they are his sweats but it doesn't give him free license to sleep over when he has a woman who he loves waiting at home. She's been down that road, and no one else should have to.
Derek scrubs at his eyes, twisting the hazy memories away. "Or we could be practical. It's four in the morning, we both need to be at work shortly. No sense in me driving all the way across town just to get up and do it again. I'll sleep on the couch, you take the bed. Relax. Stop flipping out."
"No!" Addison yells at him, slamming a hand into the wall, not caring if she gets a noise complaint. "You go."
"Fine," Derek retorts, sleep ebbing off into anger. "It's not a big deal."
"It is," Addison refutes. "It's a big deal Derek. This is the third time this week-"
"We aren't doing anything!"
"I know that!" Addison shouts back at him, leaning into the wall tiredly. They never argue well early in the morning, unless they've been awake all night. And the point is that while they aren't doing a damn thing wrong, it is all wrong, because she wants to slip his shirt off his chest and kiss his neck, and he isn't hers to do that to any longer. It's better when he's there, horrid in his absence.
Derek slips his shoes on, not bothering to tie the laces, and stands wobbling from side to side. He walks to the door slowly, carefully in the dark, Addison's silhouette in the moonlight as his only guide. His hand brushes across her cheek, finding temperamental wetness, hormones she would cite as the victor. "We didn't do anything," he whispers again cautiously, realizing how upset she is.
Addison still feels guilty, filthy for stealing him once more. She's been in the reverse position, pretending she didn't care when her bed was cold, but still snuggling up to a used t-shirt to curb the pain. She feels wrong, and she's tired of that. It wasn't supposed to hurt up here, she came to mend, to heal. "We can't hang out anymore Derek."
"Addie," Derek whines suddenly, his new toy taken away. Tentatively, he reaches out to do the once thing he has been dying to do. His hand grazes across her stomach slowly, learning, mapping. He can't deny that this is the most rooted, the most profoundly right thing he has ever encountered in his life. The world comes to a crashing halt, tunnel vision, selective hearing being embraced. She's all he feels, blanketed in the light taps against his own flesh.
Addison indulges in the feeling for half of a second, her brain telling her this is how it was always going to be, his hands on her stomach, her heart soaring. Then reality knocks violently. "Please go."
Derek kisses her cheek, involuntarily, and strides to the door knowing that this, whatever it is, is definitely not over, but that he is assuredly going to have harder times on the horizon. "Night Addie."
~-~-~-~-~-~
Part: 1/2
Pairing: Derek/Addison
Summary: Addison returns to Seattle after an unsuccessful outing in California and Derek decides that they can manage being friends.
For: thesevoices
A/N: I always manage to take prompts at the worst possible times, but the rest are coming along, slowly but surely. Two parts to this because once I hit 30 pages I realized it had to be broken up. My thanks to Kendel who reads, fixes, and in general holds my hand while I try and "write". Enjoy-
~-~-~-~-~-~
Sing You To Sleep
- Paper Route
~-~-~-~-~-~
The rain beats down against the panes of glass mercilessly, daring them to give in. The thunder claps loudly in the background, well above the limit of her thresholds, pushing past what she's comfortable sleeping through. Storms scare Addison, and she finds it stupid and childish, but it's there and since there isn't anyone in Los Angeles that isn't married and is willing to hold her tight she simply clutches a pillow to her chest and tries to fall asleep again. She uses images of someone who loves her deeply enough to understand that the freak out will pass, but that it is also very real, as a canvas of self-soothing, hoping it will be enough even when it never is.
When the sky roars to life once more, cracking through the blackness, she sighs and gives up, flicking on the bedside lamp and reaching for the dog-eared page that was lulling her to sleep. The humidity of the night creeps in under her windowsills, the heat still present despite the current reprieve. She decides to embrace it, to grow up in a sense. Her feet shuffle across the floor of her very meticulously decorated bedroom, and she throws open the doors in a manner that she thinks says 'fuck you too' and then marches back to bed semi-victoriously.
On the third straight day of clouds and splattering droplets she lets go of ever getting a decent eight hours. In retrospect, it's something she should have conceded months ago, when her own personal storm began to kick up. Waking nightmares spoiling the dust that had finally started to settle, causing little puffs of dirt to swirl through the air. But then, that's simply the way her life works.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"I'm pregnant," Addison blurts out suddenly, watching Noah grapple with reality by dropping the chart in his hand onto the solid floor beneath them. There was really no other way to say it.
The most joyous moment of her life isn't remotely happy, it's catastrophe.
She feels his hand usher her into a spare closet at the end of the hall, and she realizes slowly that all hospitals work the same way. Unfortunately, she's had all she can have of caring because the spawn of Satan she is busy growing makes her sick every two seconds. He's going to be lucky if she doesn't flip over the bucket in the corner and throw up. And because the nausea is swarming, and her head is spinning, she lets him speak first. She allows him some momentary control.
"But we...only once...you said that you were...you know," he gestures vaguely. "And...I have Mia now- and Mor-gan hasn't r-recovered from-" Noah stutters helplessly.
And she's done. Plus she has about ten seconds left anyway. "I wanted you to know is all, I don't need anything from you." His blabbering indecision is enough of a sign that he doesn't want this so she ducks out and promptly hits the closest bathroom. There are no second thoughts, her mind practically made up before he was even given a chance. The cool water on her face minutes later does nothing to stop the mounting tears and the constant plague of wondering why no one ever picks her over anything else, even if it is unreasonable to ask.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Addison flips over the thirty-fifth glossy page trying to get comfortable with the sound of water pelting her house. She's not sure how rain can move sideways, but it's the only explanation for the level of clatter happening outside. Her heart seizes suddenly as a bolt of lightning carves into the invisible stars, and she slams one of her legs down on the bed in frustration. Fortunately, the sudden clench in her stomach ushers her out of the room before she can complain again. She made it that way, recklessly protecting all she had left. That's when the impulsive urge first strikes.
Twenty minutes later, after collecting her sleep deprived thoughts and weary feet, she begins to pack.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Addison's back?" Alex asks as Bailey offers up special assignments for the day. He watches Meredith perk up her ears, in trained interest, but she soon gets over it as Bailey nods.
"Go," Miranda orders, smiling as Addison prances toward the counter to grab her own charts.
"Karev, I assume you're interested in learning something again?" Addison asks snarkily and then turns around, walking away before he has an actual chance to reply. When he catches up to her determined stride she sighs, "I am back. I will not discuss it."
"Didn't ask," Alex retorts easily, falling into their love/hate "relationship".
"I heard about O'Malley," Addison says softly, the mention of the recently deceased resident still shrouding the busy hospital. She pauses to watch Alex deflect and then continues, "I'm glad Izzie is doing better though."
"Me too," Alex agrees and then uncharacteristically adds, "I don't know what I'm doing anymore."
"Me neither," Addison supplies, but then turns abruptly into their first patient's room before either one can fall victim to the pity they are so sick of receiving.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Derek?" Addison asks softly, working her way up the swamped counter to where her ex-husband is scrawling something illegible all over a chart. She kind of misses translating his sloppy work to the confused interns and nurses that have to decipher it day in and day out.
"Hrm?" Derek replies, eyes down, hand holding up his head so he won't have to.
"Do you have a minute?" Her tone is controlled, serious, it grabs his drifting attention.
"Everything all right?"
"Yeah," Addison gulps. "Everything is...good, I just wanted to speak with you...alone, if I could- I mean if you aren't busy with...that." She catches herself from rambling any further and begins to trace a path through the overloaded hall, stealing one of Richard's empty conference rooms to do her dirty work.
Derek trails her wordlessly, mind bending over backwards thinking of what could possibly need to be said in private. Hopefully it does not revolve around Archer, Bizzy, or any other insane family member that he is now freed from. He sits on the table, crossing his feet over one another and waits for her to put him at ease.
Addison takes a deep breath, drawing it in as slowly as possible and finishes with a long gulp. Theirs is an especially explosive relationship, which was great fun and alternately absolutely soul wrecking. She prepares herself for his yelling, tells herself that this is the right thing to do, that they are civil and that he is owed at least an announcement. After spending almost fifteen years with one another, well it's not the sort of thing you want to hear from Nurse Olivia while she mocks your misfortune. "I'm pregnant."
Derek feels his chest clench tightly and then release a wave of intense pleasure, warmness sweeping his body, head to tingling toes. He smiles brightly, shocked, and then hugs her loosely, careful but meaningful. "That's...great Addie. That's really...wonderful news," he chuckles a little. "I thought you were dragging me in here to tell me Archer had died or something."
"No," Addison replies moronically, stunned by his reaction. It's as though they've been transported back in time.
"I'm happy for you," Derek tells her earnestly, pulling back, his hands slapping the table.
"Thank you," Addison blushes. She's not sure her head is working, and her eyes are definitely glossed over in appreciation for his lack of antics.
"Are you excited?" Derek asks, interested by this development. It's time a good thing happen around Seattle Grace, and he's not exactly that petty, at least not anymore.
"I uh..." Addison stops. She hadn't really given herself the opportunity to be happy or excited. She was wrapped up in being consumed by fear, simultaneous guilt. Too consumed with working, moving, and getting on with life that she forgot life was happening-inside her nonetheless. "I yeah, I guess I am."
"Well," Derek shifts suddenly, moving closer. "If you need anything, I'm still here you know."
Addison nods, words not formed just yet as he hugs her once more and then drifts from the room. She smiles shyly to herself. She had picked the hardest for first, everyone else was going to be a cakewalk.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Addison," Mark gapes, nearly a month later, pulling her into a on-call room and kicking out the lower ranking members that are cramping his style. "What is this?" he demands, pointing to her stomach, voice in a predatory growl.
Instead of being defensive, and still a little too bruised to deal with him actually caring again Addison simply says, "It's not your problem." She got through Richard, Miranda, Callie, Naomi, and Derek but Mark was always out of her reach- until now.
"So you'll keep his kid!" Mark shouts, tone in full force, fist connecting with the metal rail of the bunk beds causing them to jolt against the wall.
Addison bites her lip, not wanting to explain that yes, she will because it's her only chance, and that when she thinks over her most loathsome crimes that their almost-child always tops the ever expanding list. "I have to scrub in."
"This is what you're going to do!" Mark yells back at her, hurt and enraged, upset that he still feels like this even after making amends with his girlfriend and moving in together. The redhead has a control over him that he would like back. A part of him is terrified she can't relinquish it, alternately he knows that nothing would cut deeper.
"It doesn't concern you," Addison makes clear, leaning wearily against the door, chiding herself for thinking Mark wouldn't notice the subtle change in her body before she could get up the nerve to tell him. He always was too good at that. When he slumps into the cold tile she takes advantage of her height and towers over him. "Please don't say anything to anyone."
"I don't owe you anything Addison," Mark sneers pettily.
"You're my friend...or I like to think we are still friends," Addison corrects. "You don't have to do it for me, but you'll be an uncle. Good training, you know for when you and Lexie decide to take the dive into parenthood."
Mark looks up suddenly, almost catching his face against the smooth metal of the beds. "I guess."
"You'll be a great Mark," Addison offers weakly before dashing out the door to find the nearest available corner to succumb to her raging hormones.
Perhaps she underestimated him.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"How are you feeling?" Richard asks worriedly, watching Addison scrub out, shoulders slumped forward, eyes drooping heavily.
"Good," she tells him, letting the soap coat her skin, preferring to watch the bubbles pop instead of his tell-all eyes.
"I don't believe you Addie," Richard asserts loudly, grabbing her attention for half of a second.
"Really, I'm fine."
"You're tired," Richard points out, leaning against the counter patiently. If Miranda Bailey takes an interest in someone's well being for the day he will damn sure take notice too.
"We're all tired Richard. It's part of the job, but I'm fine."
"Bailey said-"
"Miranda is simply looking out for me, and while I appreciate that," Addison says slowly as she reaches for a towel to dry off her hands, "I'm a big girl. Besides, this is what I do, trust me. I'm good remember?"
"I'm watching you," Richard warns but then lets her escape out the door for what he hopes is a quick meal and maybe a nap instead of the patients he fears she's about to round on.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Derek spots a familiar redhead at the end of the hall, curled onto a spare gurney, a flimsy blanket serving as her pillow. Her scrubs are bunched around her knees, mouth slightly open, hands delved under her head for extra support. Since no one is watching, the pathway oddly idle, he takes it upon himself. "Addison," he whispers, mouth winding words around the ridge of her ear.
Addison peels her tongue free, smacking her lips for a second as her eyes adjust to the dim hallway light. "Did I miss a page?" she asks, her heart skipping a beat for poor Mrs. Peterson who will just not get into active labor already so Addison can get the hell home.
"Don't know," Derek replies honestly, snatching the pager off the ground that Addison must have knocked off the bed during her nap. "Nope," he says chucking it back on the mattress, sitting down next to her.
"Then what did you want?" Addison snaps.
"Cranky," Derek notes. "Not that you weren't always a ball of sunshine when you had just woken up."
"Sorry," Addison says disingenuously, wiping the sleep from her blurry eyes.
"You should head home," Derek tells her, sliding a hand up to straighten out the hair that has matted to side of her cheek. "People will start to catch on, Addison Forbes Montgomery does not nap in the hallway among the interns."
"Yes she does," Addison shrugs. "I'm exhausted."
"Want a ride?" Derek offers, displaying a rare smile, one without the teeth, lips stretched impossibly high, head tilted, commiserative no doubt.
"3167, Mrs. Patter-Peterson. Can't," Addison replies, waking up more by the second, her stomach rumbling with ill-timed hunger.
"Someone else-"
"I promised her. She's my patient Derek. Work hazard. I'm going to go grab something to eat." Addison hops down, trying to escape the conversation as quickly as humanly possible. She gives her ex-husband a fake grin and a slight wave before turning around and heading for the cafeteria. She's entirely not surprised when he follows.
"You okay?" Derek asks, noting her sway as they wait in line.
"Yeah, good. Just a little tired, nothing major," Addison replies, yawning as she thinks about the pleasant nap that was just snatched away from her.
"You need to sleep more-" he holds a hand up when she is about to let loose on him. "I know you have patients but it's important, I was reading about the first trimester and-"
"Wait," Addison says leering at his newly professed knowledge about her field. "You were reading?"
"I had time between patients," Derek explains, "It's no- you need to sleep more. I'm being concerned. I reserve that right."
Addison folds herself into a stiff chair lazily, enviously looking over at his tray. He was more awake, he did a much better job. Contemplating their new "rights" she pushes her hand out and snags his bag of chips.
"Hey-"
"Baby is hungry," Addison shrugs, grinning coyly as he settles back and pulls an energy bar from his pocket. They both know he bought them for her, but neither will admit it aloud. All in all, Addison thinks, his anxieties seem to be paying off. For now.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Derek watches Mark pinching the bridge of his nose relentlessly a week later, hunched over a computer, pretending to be researching something or another. He's not fooling Derek, and besides it's a gateway to conversation; never needed before, now a sought after commodity. Addison has been missing lately, not in her usual spots when he looks. She's not stashed away in her office of even on the board, it's disconcerting, and since he can't very well call her he figures Mark is his next best bet. "Hey man."
"Hey," Mark grunts, keeping his red eyes trained down. It was a rough night. It's been a rough week.
"Aspirin?" Derek offers, prepared to go all the way back to his office for the guy he used to call his brother.
"Nope," Mark replies. He's not hungover, at least not physically. Emotionally, yes. After picking a petty fight with Lexie he successfully managed to fuck up the one thing that was worth not fucking up. Self-destruction at its finest reared last night as Lexie declared that she didn't know how she ever considered even changing her ten year plan for him. All in a evening's work for Mark Sloan.
"Hey, so..." Derek bridges over willfully. "Is...Have you heard anything about Addison? I haven't seen her much this week."
Mark smirks under his hands. It begins again. Their vicious circle of pain, betrayal, and lust. He can't say he didn't see this coming. If only Addison would have stayed where she belonged then Mark would still be semi-happy, and Derek here wouldn't be skirting around an issue he has no business in. Some things, Mark reckons, are better left learned alone.
"She's back?" he guesses ruthlessly. He's stayed the hell away from her since her admission, and by the gossip circulating the walls about Hunt and Yang he'd say that her secret is safe so far. And even if he does truly hate her (and love her, and hate that he has feelings both ways) she doesn't deserve to be outed to her ex-husband. Slowly but surely Mark is learning his place in their threesome.
"She's been back," Derek retorts offended at the stupidity of the remark. "Where is she? What do you know?"
"Nothing you won't find out sooner or later," Mark answers, and skips from the room suddenly feeling infinitely lighter.
No one ever said he didn't take pleasure in another's pain.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Addison mumbles softly over the clatter of a cold spoon in her mouth, shoveling mountain after mountain of smooth, rich ice cream in to delight her frosty tongue. Long days deserve ice cream, and since it's just as likely to come right back up she believes she deserves to eat something that won't burn a whole in her throat with acid. For now though, the full feeling her stomach is getting, a first in forever is delightful. At fourteen weeks she's beginning to wonder if the morning sickness will ever fade. Karma, she mutters out loud to herself, sweet karma.
The knock at her hotel room door seconds later is met with a swift kick to the comforter around her feet as she dances to get upright. Once settled, she tugs down the bright blue tank top that is threatening to ride up with her ever bulging stomach. And because it's relatively early in the evening, only four or so on her only day off this week, she doesn't bother checking to see who it is.
Addison pulls back the door without haste, prepared to see room service with her new found love-a bacon cheeseburger. "Derek," Addison gulps, without a coat nearby to throw on over her tight shirt and pajama shorts. "I thought you were room service."
He walks in dumbfounded, staring at the carpet. He's had too many visions of what she would look like carrying around his kid for this not to be minutely painful. "Are you okay? Is the baby okay?" he expels without breathing in, looking around frantically for used tissues and old socks, any indications that she may not be feeling top notch.
"What...Derek, what are you doing here?"
Derek swallows roughly, causing his throat to revolt at the suddenness of his actions. "I thought you were sick. You haven't been at work, and no one knew where you were. I asked Bailey, and even Mark-"
"Now you check in on me?"
"I don't know," he answers truthfully. But he blames her too, for staying in the same hotel, the same room number even. It's not like she made it difficult for him to track her down. "We're friends, we had lunch and stuff," he motions, watching her fluster sprout as she disappears to find a robe to throw on over her scantily clad legs. They've never looked longer, tanner. His mouth waters involuntarily, and shame washes over him relentlessly.
"You're really pregnant," Derek tells her when she returns, sitting on the bed and confiscating her spoon back as they silently begin to battle. He watches the silky fabric of her robe shift when she moves an inch. He hadn't noticed at work, she was almost always in scrubs now, but here it's blatantly obvious. He reaches out a hand to touch the small curve, so enticing, but she knocks him away before he gets a chance to see what it is like.
"And you're really observant," Addison mocks as he stares her down, slightly confused as to why he is beginning to take off his shoes and settle in on her comforter.
"Who is the father?" Derek asks selfishly, jealously, bringing himself to go there as they share a tub of calories.
"I...it's not important," she looks around the room, "It's good though. It'll be all right."
"Are you going to raise this baby in a hotel room?" Derek ventures, heart beginning to race. Sure, it's not his place, but he feels oddly territorial that someone knocked up his wife-ex-wife. He chalks it up to a man thing. Besides someone has to look out for her.
"I'm still looking," Addison replies. She's sifted through a few ads, called a few realtors, but nothing has looked quite right yet.
"Great Addison," Derek snorts. Managing time was never her strong suit. "So you'll move in and give birth in the same week. Brilliant-"
"Hey!" She yells at him defensively, changes rearing their ugly heads. "I didn't ask you to come here and tell me I'm an idiot. You don't get to yell at me anymore. You don't get to ask these questions after I tell you that I'm okay."
"Fine," Derek snaps at her, stalking towards his exit, shoes in hand, feeling his time expire.
"And..." Addison begins slowly, watching Derek grow angry at her, "I'm not sick...Richard just made me take time off after he found me asleep at my desk."
"Good," Derek says belatedly, remembering the reason he came there-not to berate her into submission. "Time off...is good for you...and the baby."
"Yeah," Addison agrees, his fury dissipating rapidly as he stalls at the door.
"Can I-" Derek tries timidly, walking back toward her. "Can I feel?"
Addison looks down, where his hand is stretching to once again, and then hurriedly backs up, stepping on her own feet. "I'd...rather you didn't." She hasn't even come to terms with the little thing jetting out of her, her own fingers don't grace that area even in the dark.
"Okay," Derek nods sadly, finding his own way out. "I'll see you-"
"I'll be there tomorrow," Addison informs him, feeling pathetic and childish for pushing him away. It's nothing, she should be a bigger person. "Night Derek."
~-~-~-~-~-~
Derek sinks against the wall of the hotel, just outside of the elevator, absorbed and overwhelmed with new feelings. He's just trying to help, to take of her. Check on her when she doesn't come to work, make sure she has enough blankets when she falls asleep in the dingy on call rooms, ensure that her locker has plenty of snack food that is healthy.
All he wanted to do is make certain that she wasn't stuck head over the toilet or shaking with chills in her bed. He had good intentions. It didn't turn out right. It rarely does with them.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"You're like...permanently pissed off or something. What the hell did Karev do today?" Callie asks, looking up from her lunch tray at Addison who appears to be too enraged to eat anything. Instead she fiercely sips at a poor defenseless water bottle.
"I- what?" Addison responds, confused as Callie brings her back from glaring at the table of people that includes Alex, but also houses Derek, the intended recipient of her chilly glances.
"What is going on with you lately?" Callie questions, trying to get to the bottom of a week long guessing game. She narrowed it down to Alex and work, but apparently she's way off base.
"Nothing," Addison says assuredly, trying to pay attention to the conversation, Derek's voice carrying across into her thoughts. She always was a sucker for when he took notice and actually cared.
"Right," Callie drawls, following her friend's eyes once more.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Addison takes the time to look before inadvertently opening up her life again, only to see a bundle of colorful flowers blocking her view. She opens the door anyway, allowing Derek Shepherd in to pounce all over her life decisions once more. "Look, I don't want to hear it," Addison begins her rant, she's had about six days to come up with it while they simmered. And his ulterior motives-her being sick-they must have been a cover. He's manipulative like that. "I'm doing what I'm doing and I don't need your approval...even if you were just trying to be nice."
"I know that," Derek interjects, setting the neatly wrapped bundle of fragrant flowers onto the table and searching the room for a vase.
Addison disappears into the bathroom, pulling out a tall glass and fills it with water. "And just so we are clear- you don't get to tell me that I'm ruining my child. That's not your call anymore Derek."
"You're right," Derek agrees, taking the makeshift container and unwrapping the flowers he just bought out on the street corner. It's a mixed bunch, not something he would normally get her, but he felt it really couldn't hurt his case.
"And I'll live where I want to live-"
"Addison," Derek interjects, situating the flowers on an otherwise empty table. "I'm here to apologize for all of that."
"Oh," Addison breathes slowly. That doesn't happen often.
"It was wrong of me to poke my nose into your business, and I'm sorry. Friends?" It's uncharacteristic of his normal nature, but he's drawn to her. He wants to watch this process, he needs to be a part of it. It was a plan in his head for so long that he just can't let the dream go, even if it needs to be altered a little.
"Friends?" Addison parrots uncomfortably.
"A step up from civilized. It may be hard but I think we are capable," Derek smiles, offering her a hand to shake just in case.
"Do you now?" Addison dares, foolishly shaking his hand anyway, ignoring the sparks that fly from her flesh as they connect briefly. It's probably not her best plan, but she can't stop herself.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Six weeks later, Addison has a bowl of popcorn with cheese balanced on her stomach, and Derek on her side flipping through random channels. They're both dog-tired, but Wednesdays have sort of become their days so they'll endure through the yawns and droopy eyelids just to see one another.
Most of the time they stay in, curled up in Addison's hotel room, but sometimes they go out to dinner or take a stroll in the park. She doesn't ask what he is thinking when he steers her out of the way of bikers by placing a warm hand on her lower back, and he doesn't question what she is doing when she jumps at scary movies and accidentally ends up crawling nearly on top of him. It's them, and these are the things they have always done together.
She steals food off of his plate that he doesn't want anyway, and he brings her breakfast and leaves it in her locker so she'll eat something sustainable in the morning hours. She fixes his scrub cap when it begins to sag, and he ties her shoes before surgery when she refuses to admit that it's becoming a chore she can live without. She steals his scrubs when she's pushing nineteen weeks because she needs some space but can't bear to reorder something larger, and he brushes her hair off her face when it falls out from behind her ear.
They do it without hesitation, without thought. There's no premeditation or incentives. This is who they are and how they operate.
To the world outside of Seattle Grace, they are a couple. To Derek and Addison it is merely a friendship of convenience and support in a time of need, or so they say when everyone asks what is going on.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"What did I miss?" Derek pants, rushing into the exam room and taking a seat next to Addison.
"Nothing," Addison sighs, way behind schedule, her doctor obviously not caring that she has a c-section to perform in about an hour. When she mentioned the appointment, in order to get out of lunch with Derek, she didn't think that he would take it upon himself to show up.
"You must be the father, I'm Dr. Paulson, nice to finally meet you." The doctor extends a friendly hello and Derek doesn't bother correcting him. It feels kind of nice for someone to think this is his child. Addison, on the other hand, looks mortified.
"So before I set up shop here, you guys want to know the sex right?"
Derek looks to Addison, wondering if she already knows somehow. "Addie?"
"Uh- yeah," Addison replies, distracted and worn down. Their movie night ran long, both of them falling asleep on the couch and she had to kick him out at two in the morning, something neither of them wanted but something that had to be done just the same. She loves the way his arms automatically folded around her but she didn't want to deal with Meredith or the resident evils giving her more of a hard time. Addison's found that not asking is really the best policy and Meredith is not her issue, she's Derek's.
"It's a boy. Congratulations Addison," Dr. Paulson says jovially, breaking into her inner monologue that questions where the hell Meredith Grey always is when Derek happens to be around.
Addison doesn't respond until she feels Derek squeezing her hand excitedly.
"A boy Addie," Derek breathes ecstatically. "I can teach him how to play catch and we'll go to the games. Maybe Mark will want to come-Addison?"
"A boy?" she squeaks unsure. God, she was positive it was a girl. A girl she could handle. Bears, Barbies, and dresses. Tea parties and braiding hair.
"Yup, definitely a boy in there," Dr. Paulson replies, well used to disbelief.
Addison swallows the bubbling nausea that's rapidly building pressure in her stomach. A boy is trucks and sports and forts, none of which she is good at. There is no father, she reminds herself, trying to get used to the idea of trains and bathroom humor. Suddenly, for the first time, it becomes paralyzing and she clamps her eyes shut as Dr. Paulson finishes what he is doing. She can still feel Derek practically buzzing out of his skin, itching with desire to play with her son.
Once the warmed gel is wiped clean of her expanding skin she hops down off the table and stuffs her socked feet back into the blue crocs on the ground. She keeps her hand away from her kicking son and heads straight for the door.
"Addison?" Derek calls out behind her, holding up a picture of the sonogram he just witnessed.
"Surgery!" she shouts back, rushing from the room, rushing off to mourn this latest development.
She uses the remaining forty minutes of her time to cry into toilet paper wads just twenty feet down the hall. It's becoming a more glorious mess by the second.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"I brought juju," Derek announces, sliding the cup toward her, ignoring the nurses glares. Meredith is on call and he is off and spending time with Addison. It's their day, routine.
"Derek, I'm really not in the mood to hang out tonight. Maybe...another time," Addison replies, scribbling into a chart and then handing it back over to the woman behind the counter. She's almost free to go wallow in her bed, and scold herself for ever thinking it was a good idea to raise her baby alone.
"I had a feeling you may say that," Derek tells her proudly. "So I took the liberty of ordering room service ahead of time, scheduled to arrive when we do, and I went down to the video store on my lunch and grabbed some old classics that I remember you liking. Just a night in with your crazy cravings." He takes a sip of the cooling hot chocolate and then pushes it back toward her.
Addison decides to break the barrier of things they don't talk about to save herself from this. The caring and the nice gestures, it's all too much and she doesn't understand why he is going above and beyond, even for a friend. "What about Meredith?"
"What about her?" Derek asks nonchalantly, leaning into the counter.
"What does she think?"
"You're my friend," Derek replies, although he feels something much differently for her currently. The way she's grown, softened, the maternal side of Addison is too attractive and alluring to resist. And if he can't have her, then he can at least be around while it happens. "She doesn't mind. Better than getting drunk at Joe's."
"True," Addison concedes, dealt a losing hand. Meredith couldn't care less, she hadn't banked on that.
"I really am done with today Derek."
"I know," he says, pushing her growing hair out of the way. "It'll be a relaxing night, maybe I'll throw in a foot massage if you are lucky."
And even though they shouldn't, they do. And even when he knows better than to lay a finger on her, he pushes his hands over her creamy, pale calves trying to loosen a few muscles in the name of helping her aching legs. He can't help the electricity between them, and nothing sexual is happening so he feels reassured. Hours later, milkshakes devoured, second movie playing, Addison collapses and scoots her way over to Derek's lap, lying her head across his legs just like she used to back in New York. The second his fingers twine through her hair, twisting and brushing, she knows they have a major problem.
What's worse is she does nothing but let her eyes fall closed and enjoy the way it feels to simply be them-even if she has to pretend and skip over the last few years-again.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Addison awakens to a sudden pressure over her ribs, and twists uncomfortably to escape. She lands on the floor one second later, legs tangled in the comforter that she is accustomed to being on the bed she normally sleeps in. As her eyes adjust she makes out the coffee table a foot in front of her and jabs at her cell phone until it illuminates the surrounding area.
Derek. Couch. Bad.
"Derek," Addison says loudly, smacking his chest. She watches his hand sleepily reach out for her body to snuggle against, just like all of those particularly brutal winters long ago. Every inch, every uncontrolled movement brings her one step closer to the edge. "Derek wake up."
"Ten more minutes Addie," he grumbles, voice scratchy, mind fuzzy.
Addison stomps over toward the light switch and flips it on joyously, even though it causes her pain too. Her ex-husband stumbles upright, rubbing his eyes and cursing at her. "We have to stop doing this, it's four in the morning Derek."
"Sleep," Derek instructs weakly, pointing to the bed. "You need to sleep."
"I can't!" Addison shrieks suddenly, the weeks worth of debilitating collapse melting together. "I can't sleep with you here."
"I'm sleeping on the couch-"
"So was I!" Addison yells back at him. "We were..."
"Oh," Derek murmurs, the footholds of dreams finally beginning to dredge away. Dreams of him and Addison, the baby. Playing, laughing, living. No good.
"You need to leave. Now," she instructs, motioning to the door behind her and straightening her clothes. Sure, it's his t-shirt technically, and maybe they are his sweats but it doesn't give him free license to sleep over when he has a woman who he loves waiting at home. She's been down that road, and no one else should have to.
Derek scrubs at his eyes, twisting the hazy memories away. "Or we could be practical. It's four in the morning, we both need to be at work shortly. No sense in me driving all the way across town just to get up and do it again. I'll sleep on the couch, you take the bed. Relax. Stop flipping out."
"No!" Addison yells at him, slamming a hand into the wall, not caring if she gets a noise complaint. "You go."
"Fine," Derek retorts, sleep ebbing off into anger. "It's not a big deal."
"It is," Addison refutes. "It's a big deal Derek. This is the third time this week-"
"We aren't doing anything!"
"I know that!" Addison shouts back at him, leaning into the wall tiredly. They never argue well early in the morning, unless they've been awake all night. And the point is that while they aren't doing a damn thing wrong, it is all wrong, because she wants to slip his shirt off his chest and kiss his neck, and he isn't hers to do that to any longer. It's better when he's there, horrid in his absence.
Derek slips his shoes on, not bothering to tie the laces, and stands wobbling from side to side. He walks to the door slowly, carefully in the dark, Addison's silhouette in the moonlight as his only guide. His hand brushes across her cheek, finding temperamental wetness, hormones she would cite as the victor. "We didn't do anything," he whispers again cautiously, realizing how upset she is.
Addison still feels guilty, filthy for stealing him once more. She's been in the reverse position, pretending she didn't care when her bed was cold, but still snuggling up to a used t-shirt to curb the pain. She feels wrong, and she's tired of that. It wasn't supposed to hurt up here, she came to mend, to heal. "We can't hang out anymore Derek."
"Addie," Derek whines suddenly, his new toy taken away. Tentatively, he reaches out to do the once thing he has been dying to do. His hand grazes across her stomach slowly, learning, mapping. He can't deny that this is the most rooted, the most profoundly right thing he has ever encountered in his life. The world comes to a crashing halt, tunnel vision, selective hearing being embraced. She's all he feels, blanketed in the light taps against his own flesh.
Addison indulges in the feeling for half of a second, her brain telling her this is how it was always going to be, his hands on her stomach, her heart soaring. Then reality knocks violently. "Please go."
Derek kisses her cheek, involuntarily, and strides to the door knowing that this, whatever it is, is definitely not over, but that he is assuredly going to have harder times on the horizon. "Night Addie."
~-~-~-~-~-~