Dear Friend,
So I just found this in an old livejournal that I apparently made after that homecoming dance all those years ago.
"So, yeah, who knows if you'll ever even read this. I wish I could erase my mind completely. I can't stop thinking about everything, and I hate it.
A few years ago I started to play solitaire when things bothered me, and slowly while I played it I started to use it as one of those if I win this then there's a chance of such and such happening. I think I've played solitaire about a hundred times in the past 24 hours, and not the easy type in which you're bound to win and if you don't you're a moron, I mean the whole fancy Vegas style option that they have you play.
It's silly, but I want to learn more about you. There was that one day in which we were going to the bus and you mentioned going to your dad's that weekend or something of that sort, and I don't know. I started to realize how little I really know about your life, and I want to know. My problem is that I never know how to ask about stuff like that. There are people who think I'm brave, but I'm not. I have no problem doing stuff so long as I know that things will play out the way I foresee them playing out, but if I can't tell how something will end up, then I tend to be a coward. I was terrified when I asked you that question last night, and then you just signed off and I felt like, "Oh, that was pointless because I just screwed everything up."
There are very few people in this world that make me feel nervous, but you're one of them. When I'm around you I find myself unable to talk or act the way I do around other people because I'm terrified I'm going to screw up.
Like at the homecoming dance. I was wicked nervous being around you. The nervousness didn't even really start to fade until that one Kiss song came on. Then I started to feel a bit more at ease, because well, music has that effect on me, and I think at the end of the dance was when I felt the most comfortable I ever felt around you, and everything just kind of felt natural I guess.
Then my stupid nervousness came back afterwards, and thus, the one IM on my birthday in which I said I was sorry if I had acted too bold that night.
Anyways, this is just basically a yet another journal, but this one you don't need to be logged in to read or anything because well, I'm not exactly giving it out to anybody but you, and it's still just basically my thoughts, but it's the thoughts that I have that involve you or that I want you to know but don't have the guts to tell you. Although that sounds a bit foolish considering the fact that if I leave it so you can read this then obviously that's letting you know the thoughts I'm nervous to let you no, except that at least in this case there's a slight chance that you haven't read this, and I'm sounding like a moron, not that that's too surprising."
I still am terrified about how to act around you and it's been almost five years since I initially wrote that.
Constantly, I find myself asking questions about where I went wrong back then. Why was I so delusional as to think that you might like me? Why was I so stupid as to actual kiss you?
I feel so pathetic cause I'm still not over things and I've been through a whole other relationship since then. Why the fuck can't I get you out of my head? Why can't I just get over you? Why was I so stupid as to fall for someone who couldn't care less about me? Why do I torture myself by staying friends with someone sho at times it seems pretty obvious doesn't want to be friends with me? Why do I continue to allow myself to write in this thing and dwell on these things?
Right now I just want to be done with college so that I can join the peace corps and then possibly forget everything.
On days like today I wish I had never loved you.