Dear Friend
I hate how certain words just get to you at times. You called me childish today and I still haven't been able to slug it off. Anybody else I'd be over it by now, but with you. I don't think you realize how much your opinion matters to me. I wish more than anything that it didn't.
I don't normally mind being called childish. I realize that compared to other people our age I can be. The thing that got to me is that it didn't feel like you were saying it in an endearing way, it felt more like you were condescending to me. Teasing Aaryn about being nervous when we snuck into the park? Yeah, it is a bit childish, but it's supposed to be the fun kind. Not the kind that makes me into being a wicked immature and reckless person. I hate how you seemed to look down on me for this. I'm not going to change though. If the worst things I do, is sneaking into parks and teasing my friend while I'm doing it then I don't feel like I'm doing something so terribly wrong. So many other people my age are doing a lot worse stuff than that. Instead of going to the park, we could have been drinking, smoking pot, sleeping around. You know the stuff most people my age are doing. The type of stuff I never do. I get that you're a serious person in many ways, but I can't always be that way. Sometimes I like doing silly and dumb stuff. That's what sneaking into the park was, but it's also the type of silly and dumb thing that isn't going to hurt anybody.
I feel like with all the stuff I've had to deal with over the past few years, I'm happy if I can still be childish at times. You made your comment so it seemed like something was wrong with me. It hurt.
I wish that I had the guts to actually say this to you as opposed to posting in on this livejournal which I highly doubt that you read.
I still like you a lot you know. Even with you having been gone for so long. A huge part of me hopes that someday you might like me back, but things like the comment you made today make me realize you probably never will. It's days like today where I just want to ask you why you're even friends with me. Part of me even wanted to ask you if you meant it when you said we should hang out now that you're back. Granted you said that before I told you about the sneaking into the park and stuff, but I still can't help but wonder if you just suggested because you figured it was bound to happen anyways. After all, if I didn't plan something than Joakley probably would and you'd probably see me at that point. Might as well just suggest it and get it over with. Either that you suggested it because you're a nice guy and knew that I missed you so you figured you'd suggest it because of that. I'm not dumb enough to fool myself into thinking you missed me while you were over there.
Despite how much I do like you though, I'm not going to attempt to change into someone you might like. My goal is only to be friends with you and that's that. If you don't like me for who I am, then I don't want you to like me. It's funny. A year and a half, almost two years ago, I hated the person that I was. If someone asked if I would have been friends with myself, I would have answered no. A year ago I felt like I had become braver, but I was still hating myself. I hated some of the things I did or the way I acted.
And then I marched corps and I became friends with Phil. Phil is a wicked nice guy and he made me feel like I wanted to be worthy of his friendship. I admit part of that probably had to do with the brief crush I had on him while we were on tour, but even with that I was different. I realized he didn't like me back and so I just decided that it didn't matter if I cared for him more than what he did for me so long as we could be friends. He made me want to be a better friend to people as a whole. Then the other person that helped was just the friendship I had with Toot during the fall. Toot helped me to relax and learn not to be quite so anal at times. Then drum corps itself just helped by giving me more confidence in my playing and which then carried over into other aspects of my music. I feel like I grown and changed so much since a year ago, and I don't want to change back. I want to keep changing but I want to be into the person I want to be not what someone else wants me to be. So like I said, I can't help but hope that maybe someday you'll like me for the person I am, but I won't become somebody else just to convince you to like me.
Thereforth, you might think I'm childish, but I'm proud of that fact. Never wanted to be a stuffy ole grown up anyways. :P
I don't normally mind being called childish. I realize that compared to other people our age I can be. The thing that got to me is that it didn't feel like you were saying it in an endearing way, it felt more like you were condescending to me. Teasing Aaryn about being nervous when we snuck into the park? Yeah, it is a bit childish, but it's supposed to be the fun kind. Not the kind that makes me into being a wicked immature and reckless person. I hate how you seemed to look down on me for this. I'm not going to change though. If the worst things I do, is sneaking into parks and teasing my friend while I'm doing it then I don't feel like I'm doing something so terribly wrong. So many other people my age are doing a lot worse stuff than that. Instead of going to the park, we could have been drinking, smoking pot, sleeping around. You know the stuff most people my age are doing. The type of stuff I never do. I get that you're a serious person in many ways, but I can't always be that way. Sometimes I like doing silly and dumb stuff. That's what sneaking into the park was, but it's also the type of silly and dumb thing that isn't going to hurt anybody.
I feel like with all the stuff I've had to deal with over the past few years, I'm happy if I can still be childish at times. You made your comment so it seemed like something was wrong with me. It hurt.
I wish that I had the guts to actually say this to you as opposed to posting in on this livejournal which I highly doubt that you read.
I still like you a lot you know. Even with you having been gone for so long. A huge part of me hopes that someday you might like me back, but things like the comment you made today make me realize you probably never will. It's days like today where I just want to ask you why you're even friends with me. Part of me even wanted to ask you if you meant it when you said we should hang out now that you're back. Granted you said that before I told you about the sneaking into the park and stuff, but I still can't help but wonder if you just suggested because you figured it was bound to happen anyways. After all, if I didn't plan something than Joakley probably would and you'd probably see me at that point. Might as well just suggest it and get it over with. Either that you suggested it because you're a nice guy and knew that I missed you so you figured you'd suggest it because of that. I'm not dumb enough to fool myself into thinking you missed me while you were over there.
Despite how much I do like you though, I'm not going to attempt to change into someone you might like. My goal is only to be friends with you and that's that. If you don't like me for who I am, then I don't want you to like me. It's funny. A year and a half, almost two years ago, I hated the person that I was. If someone asked if I would have been friends with myself, I would have answered no. A year ago I felt like I had become braver, but I was still hating myself. I hated some of the things I did or the way I acted.
And then I marched corps and I became friends with Phil. Phil is a wicked nice guy and he made me feel like I wanted to be worthy of his friendship. I admit part of that probably had to do with the brief crush I had on him while we were on tour, but even with that I was different. I realized he didn't like me back and so I just decided that it didn't matter if I cared for him more than what he did for me so long as we could be friends. He made me want to be a better friend to people as a whole. Then the other person that helped was just the friendship I had with Toot during the fall. Toot helped me to relax and learn not to be quite so anal at times. Then drum corps itself just helped by giving me more confidence in my playing and which then carried over into other aspects of my music. I feel like I grown and changed so much since a year ago, and I don't want to change back. I want to keep changing but I want to be into the person I want to be not what someone else wants me to be. So like I said, I can't help but hope that maybe someday you'll like me for the person I am, but I won't become somebody else just to convince you to like me.
Thereforth, you might think I'm childish, but I'm proud of that fact. Never wanted to be a stuffy ole grown up anyways. :P