Meteors [Chapter 7]
Chapter: 7
Pairings: YooMin
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance, Fluff, slight Angst
Summary:
There is only one truth, Changmin believes, and only one question - is it the one you want?
There is only chance, Yoochun thinks - the meteor crashes, or it doesn’t. And if it does the only question is, will you run fast enough or let the stars collide?
Part 7. Of graduation and dreams.
The day Changmin told her about how he met Yoochun, Jungmi had found it amazing. She’d been impatient to meet that friend she’d heard so much about - in fact the only person Changmin called a “friend” for reasons she couldn’t quite place.
Her first impression had been one of mixed feelings. Yoochun had laughed but not with her, he had joked but smiled little. He had been nice yet so blatantly distant at the same time that she’d felt a little thrown-off, all the more as she soon noticed that no one but her was being given the cold shoulder. She told Changmin that afterwards, but he had just stared disbelievingly, in such a way that she convinced herself it was all in her head.
However, unconsciously, Jungmi had grown wary of the guy right from the beginning.
It soon became more than just his behavior with her. Mostly, it involved how, at 26, Yoochun looked like he happily envisioned his entire future behind the counter of a convenient store, and the only challenges he intended to face were the whims of that scrap heap he called a car. And inversely, how Changmin who never gave up, who lived both feet firmly planted on the ground and who relied on nothing but facts and hard work - how Changmin admired him to no end.
It made her uneasy, that bond they shared so exclusively - what Changmin called “friendship”, and what Yoochun absolutely refused to let anyone intrude in. So nearly possessive of each other.
But Jungmi isn’t one to create unnecessary trouble. After a while, she pushed her questions aside and stopped trying to understand. Besides, Changmin always looks happier with Yoochun around, she tells herself; that’s enough for her.
So when he cancels their plans for the week-end because Yoochun’s parents just got a divorce and he needs a friend near, of course Jungmi doesn’t say anything. Same when “a week-end” becomes a month, then two, and her boyfriend barely spends time with her at all because there’s always a movie Yoochun would like or a game Yoochun needs to try. She waits and it eventually gets better, though Changmin still texts Yoochun often enough for any girl to get a tad jealous - still, Yoochun is no rival, she keeps reminding herself, and decides to think of him as a particularly invading species of mother-in-law.
Sometimes it’s complicated to deal with, but Jungmi is convinced it’s only a matter of finding a balance. And for the time being, her doubts are put to sleep.
~
The day Changmin graduates is absolutely perfect. Cold yet sunny, joyful, lively.
There’s the ceremony at his university, speeches, goodbyes and congratulations imbued with nostalgia. As the day unrolls, a few tears sometimes appear in the eyes of those who close now the story of their youth. Changmin himself is more than ready to step into the adult world, and doesn’t see anything to be sad about here.
As for Yoochun, university doesn’t exactly call back happy memories.
He’s watching from afar - Changmin’s hand tightly wrapped around Jungmi’s, the matching smiles on their faces, their respective families and friends taking pictures of them and endlessly praising how good they look together. Jungmi will graduate next year but just like Changmin (and very much unlike Yoochun) it’s obvious she won’t have any trouble adapting to a "grown-up life".
Yoochun is relieved beyond words when they leave the university grounds and the small party moves to where Changmin’s family lives. There are a few words from Changmin’s mother before the meal starts, and a few more from Changmin whose voice doesn’t waver when he evokes his father. Yoochun is watching him closely. He thinks he’s the only one who knows what lays beneath… the only one who can see the quiet evidence that the deep wound here has not healed, not yet. Never.
The young man barely sat down that Yoochun makes a move to go to his side - not fast enough. Jungmi’s father already took the seat next to Changmin and starts talking to him in a low voice. Yoochun can’t hear a word but he sees the way Changmin’s eyes shine, his face flushed with overwhelming feelings. He sees the gentle look on Jungmi’s father’s face. He sits back down, feeling unneeded and utterly dumb.
Yoochun goes back to drinking. His thoughts fatally drift to his own university days, and how suffocating they felt. Alcohol seems to help at first but ends up anchoring unwelcome memories to his mind, until he finds himself replaying them again and again. Grades, competition, rankings. Bitterness he wishes he could just erase. Worst of all, his parents’ embarrassed answers at family meetings when someone brought up The Matter and “and Yoochun? How is he doing? It’s time for him to make up his mind and settle down, no?”
“And Yoochun? No girlfriend yet? I have a colleague whose daughter is just a year younger than him, you know, she’d know how to handle him.”
“And Yoochun? He’s still jobless? Oh of course he’s working in that store but that’s not a real job, right? What is he planning to actually do?”
And Yoochun? Still dreaming? When will he wake up? Or does he think the world will wait for him forever?
“Yoochun?”
He blinks back tears and hastily plasters a smile on his face, looking up at Changmin.
“Congrats!” he manages, swiftly slipping back into the usual pattern. He stands up, grabbing the table for support. “I didn’t get to tell you yet. You’re in high demand today.”
Changmin puts a hand on his arm to steady him, not fooled one second about Yoochun’s state.
“You drank too much.”
“I’m celebrating.”
“That doesn’t seem to be a happy celebration.”
Yoochun makes the fake smile on his face even wider.
“Of course I’m happy” he says brightly, if not genuinely, “you’ll become a great adult Changmin-ah, part of the society and all.”
“What’s wrong Yoochun?”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
The younger man frowns, about to say something when a “Changmin!” rings through the room. They turn their heads in synch and Yoochun spots Jungmi at once. Her parents are standing next to her, apparently about to leave, and she’s motioning for her boyfriend to come.
“Go” Yoochun nudges him when Changmin doesn’t move, “they’re waiting.”
Changmin hesitates. A full minute passes. On the other side of the room, Jungmi’s parents are talking with his mother. Jungmi herself is getting impatient and keeps throwing glances their way.
“Changmin” Yoochun hisses, nudging him harder, “what are you doing?”
He needs to sit. He drank too much. He doesn’t feel steady on his legs, his head is pounding and the icy weight of gloomy thoughts from earlier is still here - heavy on his heart, unbalancing his mood. He kind of wants to cry. He needs to smile but no longer knows why. He’d like to joke, scream and empty his mind, and push Changmin away, and bring him close and kiss him, and never see him again. He wants to be somewhere else, someone else… someone others would respect and admire, for once. He hates that thought, he hates who he is too, and then Changmin grabs his wrist.
Yoochun doesn’t understand what’s happening anymore. One moment he’s being dragged through the crowd, unable to grasp anything but the feel of Changmin's fingers around his wrist, and the next Jungmi’s parents are standing in front of them and staring questioningly.
Yoochun listens as Changmin introduces him as his friend. He thinks he manages a few incoherent greeting words. He thinks they answer him politely.
“I can’t believe I didn’t introduce Yoochun earlier” he hears Changmin say. “He’s done more for me than anyone else, you know.”
Yoochun’s eyes sting. He sees them nod, looking as confused as before. He spots the surprised look in Jungmi’s eyes.
And Changmin is still holding his wrist. His fingers started burning their shape into his skin, warm, tight, real, and Yoochun’s face feels hot… his entire body does- spinning… it’s spinning, the blurred sound of chatter, voices, laughter, the cold bite of past memories melting into today’s unease, and feeling inadequate, so much… always the odd one, never enough and damn, he drank too much, he shouldn’t… shouldn’t feel like crying, shouldn’t be here stupidly trying to engrave the feel of that hand on his skin, shouldn’t let his body respond so easily to the simplest touch.
He shudders, fire and ice coursing through his veins as he battles to get a grip.
It’s Changmin’s eyes - honest and uncompromising, and Yoochun has no idea what the other is doing but he knows it’s for him. He wants to intertwine their fingers. He wants to be the one to grab Changmin’s hand and lead him forward. Yoochun wouldn’t know where to lead them but he does know he wouldn't let go - never. His hands tighten into fists, holding nothing but air.
He hears Jungmi’s mother ask something about how they met, if it was at university, maybe, and what is Yoochun doing now? He wants to run, but there’s Changmin’s hand. There’s Changmin’s voice saying “you don’t meet people like Yoochun at university” - it sounds like he's joking but he isn't, Yoochun knows he isn't, and his heart swells.
They don't know.
Yoochun knows… if it's Changmin… if it's Changmin then no one knows better than him and certainly not them, not those people who live inside squares and endlessly walk the same road their entire lives and talk and talk and talk like it's something to be proud of but Yoochun knows better and Changmin doesn't know yet but they are worth so much more… they could be so much more it hurts to see Changmin believing their words and going down that same worn path, and if only he dared… how bright… just how bright…
Yoochun’s brain is fuzzy with alcohol and his surroundings are blurring. He doesn’t know what’s going on anymore, except the world would right itself if only he could kiss Changmin.
It’s Changmin’s eyes. It’s Changmin’s words all for him. It’s Changmin’s skin against his skin, right here, above his wrist… a touch so light yet he craves it so much that it hits his senses with incredible strength and Yoochun is drunk indeed but it’s not just alcohol, there’s something more. Something smoldering deep inside his body that ignites and takes over his entire being, a blazing surge of possessiveness and denial because he can't bear it anymore.
It's Changmin - Changmin who means everything and they are ruining him, because they can't see what Yoochun only can see. They can't picture what Yoochun dreamed for them both… selfish, foolish, the impossible image of them with the world at their feet and the sky curled in the palm of Changmin's hand, where Yoochun would have put it... stupid. Stupid, but not as stupid as their narrow existences where Changmin shouldn't fit so well.
Yoochun bows mechanically when Jungmi's parents leave. He answers Jungmi's "goodbye". He hears Changmin telling him that he doesn't look well. He thinks he misplaced his heart again. He feels utterly lost. His entire body is itching and he feels nauseous.
He looks down and realizes too late that Changmin released his wrist. He needs to take his hand back, he can’t - he wants to cry and smiles.
"Why did you do that?"
Changmin doesn't answer at once, looking at him with an odd expression on his face, his hands in his pockets, his stance relaxed and confident, his gaze sharp as usual.
"I just really hate it when you start doubting of what you mean to me”, he says.
There's a silence, an embarrassed smile, then Changmin is gone.
Yoochun remains frozen on spot, his heart pounding instead of breaking as it should.
He's pathetic, he thinks bitterly, dropping on the nearest chair… pathetic, yeah, but truthfully, who would let go of dreams?
He gazes at Changmin, now a few steps away and talking to his youngest sister animatedly - the way his hands move, the lines of his back and shoulders, the hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth. Yoochun can’t look away from him. He blames the alcohol when tears rise to his eyes again, this time of sheer longing and helplessness.
But who would let go of a star, when it dropped in your hand? Like by mistake… like it got lost. Like a meteor escaped from dark spaces and that found shelter here, in the depths of a soul that vowed to hope through everything just to keep that light here… a soul selfish, odd, wandering, and desperate for something to hold on.
Who would let go of love?
Yoochun closed his eyes. He’s replaying again and again Changmin's last words to him, wanting to hate him for them, wishing he could undo the sound of his voice and the warmth in his gaze, and yet, he muses, and yet… who would let go of love, when they know stars fall only once?
“Yoochun…?”
Changmin leans forward and shakes the other’s shoulder gently, not really counting on a reaction.
Yoochun passed out an hour ago, collapsed on a chair, his head resting on his crossed arms on the table in front of him. His hair is partly hiding his face. It’s shorter than it once was but still as messy as ever, locks of dark hair escaping the poor excuse for a ponytail that Junsu jokingly arranged earlier, as Yoochun was already too drunk to protest.
Changmin glances in the direction of the kitchen, where his mother and sisters are busy cleaning up. He can hear the clatter of plates and the light chatter of their conversation. Everyone else left already. His gaze goes back to Yoochun. He frowns - silence… confusion. A light ache in his chest, an unclear feeling that he decided was concern. He reaches a hand out, stops, hesitates, and carefully tucks a stray strand of hair behind the other’s ear. Yoochun doesn’t even stir, sleeping soundly, his breathing even. It tingles as air softly brushes against his skin when Changmin retracts his hand.
His eyes trace the lines of Yoochun’s face, taking in details that would seem insignificant to anyone else but that clearly spell “wrong” to him. He tilts his head, chewing on his lower lip worriedly.
Something is wrong, and Changmin doubts that it has to do with the divorce - which usually makes Yoochun teary and disturbingly clingy - or yet another fight with his brother - that happened often over the past months and Yoochun invariably deals with it by whining, ranting, and being disturbingly clingy - or a random bout of depression - normally doesn’t last longer than a few hours as long as there’s alcohol and Changmin doesn’t deny him the occasional hug and pats on the back.
He lets out a long silent sigh, feeling frustrated and a little hurt that Yoochun won’t tell him what’s going on this time again. He learnt over the years that for all his carefree behavior and proud claims that he loves his life as it is, Yoochun has yet to come to terms with quite a lot of past events.
It’s that damn habit of always going the other way around as soon as he spots even the shadow of an obstacle. Changmin may fail at anything empathy-related but he isn’t stupid, he understands better than Yoochun thinks.
He knows for instance that Yoochun picked studies he didn’t like just to avoid confronting his parents about it. He’s still working in that convenient store because he’s afraid to even search for another job, since he thinks no other place will want of him. He categorically refuses anything that involves competition and hence the possibility of failure. Even when Changmin tried to talk him into joining that singing contest in their usual café - and when he isn’t drunk, Yoochun sings quite well - his friend scoffed and took to ignoring him until Changmin dropped the matter.
Now however it bothers him more than usual because for some reason, Changmin feels that it involves him somehow. Yoochun doesn’t laugh around him as easily as he used to. He doesn’t talk as freely. He’s often thoughtful, quiet, distant, and no amount of teasing is enough to drag him out of that pensive state for more than a few minutes. Yoochun looks like he’s fading - Changmin can’t think of another way to put it - and yes, it worries him a lot.
He reaches for him once more, barely conscious of what he’s doing. The tip of his fingers brushes lightly against Yoochun’s temple, as if blindly trying to read his thoughts.
Changmin wants to help, but he doesn’t know how. It feels like Yoochun doesn’t trust him anymore. It feels like Yoochun is drifting away from him, and while Changmin won’t show it, that hurts. He cares… he cares, damnit, and it hurts that Yoochun himself seems to belittle what they have, just the two of them.
His hand drops to his side.
His graduation day has been happy - perfect, actually. It was just as he hoped it’d be, yet something is off. Changmin thinks of his family and Jungmi… all of them are proud of him. His father would be proud too. Except that Yoochun has been watching him all day with something much like disappointment veiling his eyes, and now Changmin isn’t so sure anymore.
He takes a step back. Something is off… something is wrong not just with Yoochun but with them. What they have is changing… imperceptibly, their bond is being distorted and stretched, and tried, and Changmin is having a hard time merely acknowledging the thought.
He clenches his fists, trying in vain to put a name on the confused heap of feelings making his heart beat wrong. There’s something he missed… there’s something that changed and while Changmin can’t grasp it, he recognizes that silent tension - the wait, doubts and unease, as if an invisible countdown activated and slowly… slowly, time is erasing something dear even as you’re holding onto it tightly, and it’s fading just before your eyes.
Changmin recognizes it - loss that hasn’t happened yet.
He gives Yoochun one last prolonged look, remembering laughter and interest in a pair of dark eyes, those ridiculous roses, a first afternoon together and the slow realization that this guy here was one of those people Changmin thought he would never find. Someone who didn’t care what was right or wrong. Someone who was nothing more and nothing less than themselves. Someone true.
Someone Changmin wanted to make space for and bring into his life, for the very first time.
A friend.
~
You remember that game? The one we used to play?
▪ A game?
11 and 12. One question each day.
▪ Of course I remember. Why?
What do you like about me?
▪ Are you for real??
You’ve to answer
▪ No
▪ Yoochun…
▪ I’m not answering that. Stop ignoring my calls.
▪ Hey, are you alright?
▪ I seriously don’t know why I put up with you
▪ Not going to care anymore
▪ Idiot
▪ Answer the damn phone!!!!
▪ YOOCHUN
▪ Seriously… :(
▪ Why would you ask that anyway?
▪ …
▪ I like that you don’t expect others to be who they aren’t
See, it wasn’t so hard :)
▪ EIGHT days. How can you be so damn stubborn???!
<3
Your turn!
▪ Have you called your father? It’s been months now…
I hate you
▪ You love me ^^
Touché
~
Yoochun loves him.
He loves him so much. He doesn’t understand. It doesn’t make sense, how feelings can even hurt so badly. He tried to put a distance. He tried to pretend the situation was fine the way it was. He tried to hide the sad reality underneath makeshift illusions. He tried to run away in every way he could, but in the end he’s invariably brought back to it - the cruel, simple truth of it. A wall he repeatedly crashes into.
Changmin, and how much… how much he loves Changmin. How Changmin won’t love him. Not like this. And it’s breaking his heart.
Walking in the street, side by side. Yoochun is rambling - the ajummah who dotes on him at work and gives him monstrous tips, the fat orange cat that keeps trying to sneak into the convenient store, the dream he had last night about an underwater train and a purple hat. Changmin is watching him without saying anything, and suddenly it hits Yoochun how gentle the look in his eyes is. How warm. How fond.
How deeply anchored it is, what Changmin feels toward him, but it’s not what Yoochun wants… it’s not, not enough, never enough… it should be more, so much more and Yoochun wants to tell him to stop looking, stop making his heart ache, stop messing with his head, stop, stop stop stop and no… no he doesn’t want Changmin to stop watching him, ever. It’s all he has. It’s all he’ll ever have and-
“Yoochun…?”
Yoochun, Changmin says, and just hearing him say his name sends a pang to his heart. His voice, his expression, his eyes on him, everything… everything just fills all the space around him until Yoochun finds a little of Changmin in the very air he breathes, in the first spark of consciousness that awakes him every morning, in the subtle line of hope that pulls one up and above the ground, and prompts him to smile and laugh, and go on one day more.
Yoochun doesn’t know when it happened… when Changmin claimed that spot at the center of his existence, and became the only part of his life worth trying.
He doesn’t know any more if it’s because of Changmin’s smile or because of when Changmin cried. He doesn’t know if Changmin is beautiful. He doesn’t know if Changmin is meant to shine or if he’s plain ordinary. He no longer knows what makes Changmin special, what it is exactly… what’s that damn something that caught his heart and just won’t release it.
He doesn’t want it to stop.
He dreams of him, of claiming his lips and breathing through ardent kisses that’d bring him back to life after months spent drowning. He dreams of them - Changmin’s face held between his two hands, shaky sighs, skin against skin, touching him, having him, feverishly burning the unbearable image of her in his arms because she should never have been here. She doesn’t know how to love Changmin. Yoochun knows… Yoochun knows things that Changmin himself isn’t aware of. He dreams of being the one who’d tear lines apart and free him, free them both so they could live at least.
Yoochun dreams and the guilt afterwards only keeps getting worse. He feels disgusting and sick, and Changmin’s innocent looks and touches leave stains like dirt on his soul.
A party with some friends, late in the evening. Changmin drank too much. He’s laughing, leaning heavily against him, his face so close to Yoochun’s face. His lips just an inch away. So comfortable around him, no personal space because they share so much anyway, it’s normal to be close.
Yoochun’s heart is pounding so hard it feels about to break through his chest. Changmin’s hand gripping his shoulder, his laughter in his ears - a touch, a sound he won’t forget. He tilts his head to the side until his cheek touches Changmin’s. He closes his eyes and opens up his heart to etch it all deep in there. It has to remain. It has to be perfect… the perfection Yoochun never reached unless it was in dreams, unless those dreams were full of Changmin.
Sometimes he wakes up from his trance. Sometimes the sharp realization of what he has become cuts through him like a knife.
When that happens Yoochun lets his heart fall in pieces. He watches as it comes apart right in front of his eyes, he blames Changmin then apologizes to silence because no, not Changmin, it’s not because of Changmin. It’s just Yoochun and his stupid way of hoping, stupid way of living, a bleeding heart that will lead him nowhere.
Yoochun loves him, and sometimes it makes him cry.
Sometimes Yoochun tried to imagine his life without him. It didn’t look hollow. It didn’t look lonely. It looked like it’d be nothing, and ‘nothing’ is simply way too big for him to handle on his own.
Part 8.
Note: ...I promised you an angst ride didn't I? ^^; (please don't kill me)
Sooo I'm purposefully taking my time decribing those scenes, first because it's supposed to last (Yoochun is actually going through years of unrequited love here, please sympathize and be patient a few weeks more lol), and secondly because those chapters indeed bridge the beginning of this story (snippets of their lives and personalities with few actual facts to rely on) and what will come later.
Anyway, I'm hoping two things are clearer now: Yoochun's complete refusal to take action regarding something that he believes isn't going to happen anyway (clearly linked to his own self-depreciating image of himself), and the oh-so-wonderful way Changmin just does not question past decisions and feelings (simply put: he's really dense, I know, I'm sorry).
Thank you for reading/commenting! <3
Pairings: YooMin
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance, Fluff, slight Angst
Summary:
There is only one truth, Changmin believes, and only one question - is it the one you want?
There is only chance, Yoochun thinks - the meteor crashes, or it doesn’t. And if it does the only question is, will you run fast enough or let the stars collide?
Part 7. Of graduation and dreams.
The day Changmin told her about how he met Yoochun, Jungmi had found it amazing. She’d been impatient to meet that friend she’d heard so much about - in fact the only person Changmin called a “friend” for reasons she couldn’t quite place.
Her first impression had been one of mixed feelings. Yoochun had laughed but not with her, he had joked but smiled little. He had been nice yet so blatantly distant at the same time that she’d felt a little thrown-off, all the more as she soon noticed that no one but her was being given the cold shoulder. She told Changmin that afterwards, but he had just stared disbelievingly, in such a way that she convinced herself it was all in her head.
However, unconsciously, Jungmi had grown wary of the guy right from the beginning.
It soon became more than just his behavior with her. Mostly, it involved how, at 26, Yoochun looked like he happily envisioned his entire future behind the counter of a convenient store, and the only challenges he intended to face were the whims of that scrap heap he called a car. And inversely, how Changmin who never gave up, who lived both feet firmly planted on the ground and who relied on nothing but facts and hard work - how Changmin admired him to no end.
It made her uneasy, that bond they shared so exclusively - what Changmin called “friendship”, and what Yoochun absolutely refused to let anyone intrude in. So nearly possessive of each other.
But Jungmi isn’t one to create unnecessary trouble. After a while, she pushed her questions aside and stopped trying to understand. Besides, Changmin always looks happier with Yoochun around, she tells herself; that’s enough for her.
So when he cancels their plans for the week-end because Yoochun’s parents just got a divorce and he needs a friend near, of course Jungmi doesn’t say anything. Same when “a week-end” becomes a month, then two, and her boyfriend barely spends time with her at all because there’s always a movie Yoochun would like or a game Yoochun needs to try. She waits and it eventually gets better, though Changmin still texts Yoochun often enough for any girl to get a tad jealous - still, Yoochun is no rival, she keeps reminding herself, and decides to think of him as a particularly invading species of mother-in-law.
Sometimes it’s complicated to deal with, but Jungmi is convinced it’s only a matter of finding a balance. And for the time being, her doubts are put to sleep.
~
The day Changmin graduates is absolutely perfect. Cold yet sunny, joyful, lively.
There’s the ceremony at his university, speeches, goodbyes and congratulations imbued with nostalgia. As the day unrolls, a few tears sometimes appear in the eyes of those who close now the story of their youth. Changmin himself is more than ready to step into the adult world, and doesn’t see anything to be sad about here.
As for Yoochun, university doesn’t exactly call back happy memories.
He’s watching from afar - Changmin’s hand tightly wrapped around Jungmi’s, the matching smiles on their faces, their respective families and friends taking pictures of them and endlessly praising how good they look together. Jungmi will graduate next year but just like Changmin (and very much unlike Yoochun) it’s obvious she won’t have any trouble adapting to a "grown-up life".
Yoochun is relieved beyond words when they leave the university grounds and the small party moves to where Changmin’s family lives. There are a few words from Changmin’s mother before the meal starts, and a few more from Changmin whose voice doesn’t waver when he evokes his father. Yoochun is watching him closely. He thinks he’s the only one who knows what lays beneath… the only one who can see the quiet evidence that the deep wound here has not healed, not yet. Never.
The young man barely sat down that Yoochun makes a move to go to his side - not fast enough. Jungmi’s father already took the seat next to Changmin and starts talking to him in a low voice. Yoochun can’t hear a word but he sees the way Changmin’s eyes shine, his face flushed with overwhelming feelings. He sees the gentle look on Jungmi’s father’s face. He sits back down, feeling unneeded and utterly dumb.
Yoochun goes back to drinking. His thoughts fatally drift to his own university days, and how suffocating they felt. Alcohol seems to help at first but ends up anchoring unwelcome memories to his mind, until he finds himself replaying them again and again. Grades, competition, rankings. Bitterness he wishes he could just erase. Worst of all, his parents’ embarrassed answers at family meetings when someone brought up The Matter and “and Yoochun? How is he doing? It’s time for him to make up his mind and settle down, no?”
“And Yoochun? No girlfriend yet? I have a colleague whose daughter is just a year younger than him, you know, she’d know how to handle him.”
“And Yoochun? He’s still jobless? Oh of course he’s working in that store but that’s not a real job, right? What is he planning to actually do?”
And Yoochun? Still dreaming? When will he wake up? Or does he think the world will wait for him forever?
“Yoochun?”
He blinks back tears and hastily plasters a smile on his face, looking up at Changmin.
“Congrats!” he manages, swiftly slipping back into the usual pattern. He stands up, grabbing the table for support. “I didn’t get to tell you yet. You’re in high demand today.”
Changmin puts a hand on his arm to steady him, not fooled one second about Yoochun’s state.
“You drank too much.”
“I’m celebrating.”
“That doesn’t seem to be a happy celebration.”
Yoochun makes the fake smile on his face even wider.
“Of course I’m happy” he says brightly, if not genuinely, “you’ll become a great adult Changmin-ah, part of the society and all.”
“What’s wrong Yoochun?”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
The younger man frowns, about to say something when a “Changmin!” rings through the room. They turn their heads in synch and Yoochun spots Jungmi at once. Her parents are standing next to her, apparently about to leave, and she’s motioning for her boyfriend to come.
“Go” Yoochun nudges him when Changmin doesn’t move, “they’re waiting.”
Changmin hesitates. A full minute passes. On the other side of the room, Jungmi’s parents are talking with his mother. Jungmi herself is getting impatient and keeps throwing glances their way.
“Changmin” Yoochun hisses, nudging him harder, “what are you doing?”
He needs to sit. He drank too much. He doesn’t feel steady on his legs, his head is pounding and the icy weight of gloomy thoughts from earlier is still here - heavy on his heart, unbalancing his mood. He kind of wants to cry. He needs to smile but no longer knows why. He’d like to joke, scream and empty his mind, and push Changmin away, and bring him close and kiss him, and never see him again. He wants to be somewhere else, someone else… someone others would respect and admire, for once. He hates that thought, he hates who he is too, and then Changmin grabs his wrist.
Yoochun doesn’t understand what’s happening anymore. One moment he’s being dragged through the crowd, unable to grasp anything but the feel of Changmin's fingers around his wrist, and the next Jungmi’s parents are standing in front of them and staring questioningly.
Yoochun listens as Changmin introduces him as his friend. He thinks he manages a few incoherent greeting words. He thinks they answer him politely.
“I can’t believe I didn’t introduce Yoochun earlier” he hears Changmin say. “He’s done more for me than anyone else, you know.”
Yoochun’s eyes sting. He sees them nod, looking as confused as before. He spots the surprised look in Jungmi’s eyes.
And Changmin is still holding his wrist. His fingers started burning their shape into his skin, warm, tight, real, and Yoochun’s face feels hot… his entire body does- spinning… it’s spinning, the blurred sound of chatter, voices, laughter, the cold bite of past memories melting into today’s unease, and feeling inadequate, so much… always the odd one, never enough and damn, he drank too much, he shouldn’t… shouldn’t feel like crying, shouldn’t be here stupidly trying to engrave the feel of that hand on his skin, shouldn’t let his body respond so easily to the simplest touch.
He shudders, fire and ice coursing through his veins as he battles to get a grip.
It’s Changmin’s eyes - honest and uncompromising, and Yoochun has no idea what the other is doing but he knows it’s for him. He wants to intertwine their fingers. He wants to be the one to grab Changmin’s hand and lead him forward. Yoochun wouldn’t know where to lead them but he does know he wouldn't let go - never. His hands tighten into fists, holding nothing but air.
He hears Jungmi’s mother ask something about how they met, if it was at university, maybe, and what is Yoochun doing now? He wants to run, but there’s Changmin’s hand. There’s Changmin’s voice saying “you don’t meet people like Yoochun at university” - it sounds like he's joking but he isn't, Yoochun knows he isn't, and his heart swells.
They don't know.
Yoochun knows… if it's Changmin… if it's Changmin then no one knows better than him and certainly not them, not those people who live inside squares and endlessly walk the same road their entire lives and talk and talk and talk like it's something to be proud of but Yoochun knows better and Changmin doesn't know yet but they are worth so much more… they could be so much more it hurts to see Changmin believing their words and going down that same worn path, and if only he dared… how bright… just how bright…
Yoochun’s brain is fuzzy with alcohol and his surroundings are blurring. He doesn’t know what’s going on anymore, except the world would right itself if only he could kiss Changmin.
It’s Changmin’s eyes. It’s Changmin’s words all for him. It’s Changmin’s skin against his skin, right here, above his wrist… a touch so light yet he craves it so much that it hits his senses with incredible strength and Yoochun is drunk indeed but it’s not just alcohol, there’s something more. Something smoldering deep inside his body that ignites and takes over his entire being, a blazing surge of possessiveness and denial because he can't bear it anymore.
It's Changmin - Changmin who means everything and they are ruining him, because they can't see what Yoochun only can see. They can't picture what Yoochun dreamed for them both… selfish, foolish, the impossible image of them with the world at their feet and the sky curled in the palm of Changmin's hand, where Yoochun would have put it... stupid. Stupid, but not as stupid as their narrow existences where Changmin shouldn't fit so well.
Yoochun bows mechanically when Jungmi's parents leave. He answers Jungmi's "goodbye". He hears Changmin telling him that he doesn't look well. He thinks he misplaced his heart again. He feels utterly lost. His entire body is itching and he feels nauseous.
He looks down and realizes too late that Changmin released his wrist. He needs to take his hand back, he can’t - he wants to cry and smiles.
"Why did you do that?"
Changmin doesn't answer at once, looking at him with an odd expression on his face, his hands in his pockets, his stance relaxed and confident, his gaze sharp as usual.
"I just really hate it when you start doubting of what you mean to me”, he says.
There's a silence, an embarrassed smile, then Changmin is gone.
Yoochun remains frozen on spot, his heart pounding instead of breaking as it should.
He's pathetic, he thinks bitterly, dropping on the nearest chair… pathetic, yeah, but truthfully, who would let go of dreams?
He gazes at Changmin, now a few steps away and talking to his youngest sister animatedly - the way his hands move, the lines of his back and shoulders, the hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth. Yoochun can’t look away from him. He blames the alcohol when tears rise to his eyes again, this time of sheer longing and helplessness.
But who would let go of a star, when it dropped in your hand? Like by mistake… like it got lost. Like a meteor escaped from dark spaces and that found shelter here, in the depths of a soul that vowed to hope through everything just to keep that light here… a soul selfish, odd, wandering, and desperate for something to hold on.
Who would let go of love?
Yoochun closed his eyes. He’s replaying again and again Changmin's last words to him, wanting to hate him for them, wishing he could undo the sound of his voice and the warmth in his gaze, and yet, he muses, and yet… who would let go of love, when they know stars fall only once?
“Yoochun…?”
Changmin leans forward and shakes the other’s shoulder gently, not really counting on a reaction.
Yoochun passed out an hour ago, collapsed on a chair, his head resting on his crossed arms on the table in front of him. His hair is partly hiding his face. It’s shorter than it once was but still as messy as ever, locks of dark hair escaping the poor excuse for a ponytail that Junsu jokingly arranged earlier, as Yoochun was already too drunk to protest.
Changmin glances in the direction of the kitchen, where his mother and sisters are busy cleaning up. He can hear the clatter of plates and the light chatter of their conversation. Everyone else left already. His gaze goes back to Yoochun. He frowns - silence… confusion. A light ache in his chest, an unclear feeling that he decided was concern. He reaches a hand out, stops, hesitates, and carefully tucks a stray strand of hair behind the other’s ear. Yoochun doesn’t even stir, sleeping soundly, his breathing even. It tingles as air softly brushes against his skin when Changmin retracts his hand.
His eyes trace the lines of Yoochun’s face, taking in details that would seem insignificant to anyone else but that clearly spell “wrong” to him. He tilts his head, chewing on his lower lip worriedly.
Something is wrong, and Changmin doubts that it has to do with the divorce - which usually makes Yoochun teary and disturbingly clingy - or yet another fight with his brother - that happened often over the past months and Yoochun invariably deals with it by whining, ranting, and being disturbingly clingy - or a random bout of depression - normally doesn’t last longer than a few hours as long as there’s alcohol and Changmin doesn’t deny him the occasional hug and pats on the back.
He lets out a long silent sigh, feeling frustrated and a little hurt that Yoochun won’t tell him what’s going on this time again. He learnt over the years that for all his carefree behavior and proud claims that he loves his life as it is, Yoochun has yet to come to terms with quite a lot of past events.
It’s that damn habit of always going the other way around as soon as he spots even the shadow of an obstacle. Changmin may fail at anything empathy-related but he isn’t stupid, he understands better than Yoochun thinks.
He knows for instance that Yoochun picked studies he didn’t like just to avoid confronting his parents about it. He’s still working in that convenient store because he’s afraid to even search for another job, since he thinks no other place will want of him. He categorically refuses anything that involves competition and hence the possibility of failure. Even when Changmin tried to talk him into joining that singing contest in their usual café - and when he isn’t drunk, Yoochun sings quite well - his friend scoffed and took to ignoring him until Changmin dropped the matter.
Now however it bothers him more than usual because for some reason, Changmin feels that it involves him somehow. Yoochun doesn’t laugh around him as easily as he used to. He doesn’t talk as freely. He’s often thoughtful, quiet, distant, and no amount of teasing is enough to drag him out of that pensive state for more than a few minutes. Yoochun looks like he’s fading - Changmin can’t think of another way to put it - and yes, it worries him a lot.
He reaches for him once more, barely conscious of what he’s doing. The tip of his fingers brushes lightly against Yoochun’s temple, as if blindly trying to read his thoughts.
Changmin wants to help, but he doesn’t know how. It feels like Yoochun doesn’t trust him anymore. It feels like Yoochun is drifting away from him, and while Changmin won’t show it, that hurts. He cares… he cares, damnit, and it hurts that Yoochun himself seems to belittle what they have, just the two of them.
His hand drops to his side.
His graduation day has been happy - perfect, actually. It was just as he hoped it’d be, yet something is off. Changmin thinks of his family and Jungmi… all of them are proud of him. His father would be proud too. Except that Yoochun has been watching him all day with something much like disappointment veiling his eyes, and now Changmin isn’t so sure anymore.
He takes a step back. Something is off… something is wrong not just with Yoochun but with them. What they have is changing… imperceptibly, their bond is being distorted and stretched, and tried, and Changmin is having a hard time merely acknowledging the thought.
He clenches his fists, trying in vain to put a name on the confused heap of feelings making his heart beat wrong. There’s something he missed… there’s something that changed and while Changmin can’t grasp it, he recognizes that silent tension - the wait, doubts and unease, as if an invisible countdown activated and slowly… slowly, time is erasing something dear even as you’re holding onto it tightly, and it’s fading just before your eyes.
Changmin recognizes it - loss that hasn’t happened yet.
He gives Yoochun one last prolonged look, remembering laughter and interest in a pair of dark eyes, those ridiculous roses, a first afternoon together and the slow realization that this guy here was one of those people Changmin thought he would never find. Someone who didn’t care what was right or wrong. Someone who was nothing more and nothing less than themselves. Someone true.
Someone Changmin wanted to make space for and bring into his life, for the very first time.
A friend.
~
You remember that game? The one we used to play?
▪ A game?
11 and 12. One question each day.
▪ Of course I remember. Why?
What do you like about me?
▪ Are you for real??
You’ve to answer
▪ No
▪ Yoochun…
▪ I’m not answering that. Stop ignoring my calls.
▪ Hey, are you alright?
▪ I seriously don’t know why I put up with you
▪ Not going to care anymore
▪ Idiot
▪ Answer the damn phone!!!!
▪ YOOCHUN
▪ Seriously… :(
▪ Why would you ask that anyway?
▪ …
▪ I like that you don’t expect others to be who they aren’t
See, it wasn’t so hard :)
▪ EIGHT days. How can you be so damn stubborn???!
<3
Your turn!
▪ Have you called your father? It’s been months now…
I hate you
▪ You love me ^^
Touché
~
Yoochun loves him.
He loves him so much. He doesn’t understand. It doesn’t make sense, how feelings can even hurt so badly. He tried to put a distance. He tried to pretend the situation was fine the way it was. He tried to hide the sad reality underneath makeshift illusions. He tried to run away in every way he could, but in the end he’s invariably brought back to it - the cruel, simple truth of it. A wall he repeatedly crashes into.
Changmin, and how much… how much he loves Changmin. How Changmin won’t love him. Not like this. And it’s breaking his heart.
Walking in the street, side by side. Yoochun is rambling - the ajummah who dotes on him at work and gives him monstrous tips, the fat orange cat that keeps trying to sneak into the convenient store, the dream he had last night about an underwater train and a purple hat. Changmin is watching him without saying anything, and suddenly it hits Yoochun how gentle the look in his eyes is. How warm. How fond.
How deeply anchored it is, what Changmin feels toward him, but it’s not what Yoochun wants… it’s not, not enough, never enough… it should be more, so much more and Yoochun wants to tell him to stop looking, stop making his heart ache, stop messing with his head, stop, stop stop stop and no… no he doesn’t want Changmin to stop watching him, ever. It’s all he has. It’s all he’ll ever have and-
“Yoochun…?”
Yoochun, Changmin says, and just hearing him say his name sends a pang to his heart. His voice, his expression, his eyes on him, everything… everything just fills all the space around him until Yoochun finds a little of Changmin in the very air he breathes, in the first spark of consciousness that awakes him every morning, in the subtle line of hope that pulls one up and above the ground, and prompts him to smile and laugh, and go on one day more.
Yoochun doesn’t know when it happened… when Changmin claimed that spot at the center of his existence, and became the only part of his life worth trying.
He doesn’t know any more if it’s because of Changmin’s smile or because of when Changmin cried. He doesn’t know if Changmin is beautiful. He doesn’t know if Changmin is meant to shine or if he’s plain ordinary. He no longer knows what makes Changmin special, what it is exactly… what’s that damn something that caught his heart and just won’t release it.
He doesn’t want it to stop.
He dreams of him, of claiming his lips and breathing through ardent kisses that’d bring him back to life after months spent drowning. He dreams of them - Changmin’s face held between his two hands, shaky sighs, skin against skin, touching him, having him, feverishly burning the unbearable image of her in his arms because she should never have been here. She doesn’t know how to love Changmin. Yoochun knows… Yoochun knows things that Changmin himself isn’t aware of. He dreams of being the one who’d tear lines apart and free him, free them both so they could live at least.
Yoochun dreams and the guilt afterwards only keeps getting worse. He feels disgusting and sick, and Changmin’s innocent looks and touches leave stains like dirt on his soul.
A party with some friends, late in the evening. Changmin drank too much. He’s laughing, leaning heavily against him, his face so close to Yoochun’s face. His lips just an inch away. So comfortable around him, no personal space because they share so much anyway, it’s normal to be close.
Yoochun’s heart is pounding so hard it feels about to break through his chest. Changmin’s hand gripping his shoulder, his laughter in his ears - a touch, a sound he won’t forget. He tilts his head to the side until his cheek touches Changmin’s. He closes his eyes and opens up his heart to etch it all deep in there. It has to remain. It has to be perfect… the perfection Yoochun never reached unless it was in dreams, unless those dreams were full of Changmin.
Sometimes he wakes up from his trance. Sometimes the sharp realization of what he has become cuts through him like a knife.
When that happens Yoochun lets his heart fall in pieces. He watches as it comes apart right in front of his eyes, he blames Changmin then apologizes to silence because no, not Changmin, it’s not because of Changmin. It’s just Yoochun and his stupid way of hoping, stupid way of living, a bleeding heart that will lead him nowhere.
Yoochun loves him, and sometimes it makes him cry.
Sometimes Yoochun tried to imagine his life without him. It didn’t look hollow. It didn’t look lonely. It looked like it’d be nothing, and ‘nothing’ is simply way too big for him to handle on his own.
Part 8.
Note: ...I promised you an angst ride didn't I? ^^; (please don't kill me)
Sooo I'm purposefully taking my time decribing those scenes, first because it's supposed to last (Yoochun is actually going through years of unrequited love here, please sympathize and be patient a few weeks more lol), and secondly because those chapters indeed bridge the beginning of this story (snippets of their lives and personalities with few actual facts to rely on) and what will come later.
Anyway, I'm hoping two things are clearer now: Yoochun's complete refusal to take action regarding something that he believes isn't going to happen anyway (clearly linked to his own self-depreciating image of himself), and the oh-so-wonderful way Changmin just does not question past decisions and feelings (simply put: he's really dense, I know, I'm sorry).
Thank you for reading/commenting! <3