KM: Confession
I miss and I long for and I need and I want. But above all I love.
Pairing: King/Maru
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort
Claimer: Mine.
---
Love is a terrifying thing.
That's what I always thought. Ever since I were a kid I never really got attached to anything or anyone. I don't mean to say that I feared getting close to people, not at that time. It was still too early for me to understand those kind of things. But the fact is that there was nothing I'd put my whole heart in, no one I could fully trust. That's just the way I were. A loner for no apparent reason.
I grew older and as years passed by I became conscious of what I'm doing - or of what I'm not doing. Sure, I had friends. There's something in me that makes people like me, that attracts them, that makes them want to take care of me. But I never had a true friend. Not from my point of view.
Gradually I closed myself off. I became more and more awkward in relations with other people. I developed a habit of putting on masks as soon as I left the safety of my room. I had one for any kind of weather. So many appearances. I did my best to give off friendly vibes even when I didn't feel like it, but I always remained distant.
Yet solitude was never something I wanted.
I craved contact, I longed for closeness. There was a hunger in me that I could never satiate. I wanted someone who'd be able to break the barriers I surrounded myself with, who'd peel off my masks, who'd see through me and who'd accept me. With all my complicated and contradicting emotions.
I like to call myself a walking paradox. And I don't mean by that thinking one and doing something else. No, it's not only that. It's not that simple.
When someone asks me "what would you do if...?" I can never give a one single answer. Even if I think it through there's always a couple of replies I have to give and most of the time they are complete opposites. It's as if there were hundreds of me in my head debating the problem and those little Marus could never agree with each other. Does that even make sense?
But that's the way I were. That's the way I am.
So even if I really wanted to love and be loved by someone I could never get pass the fear of the pain it might bring.
That's how I lived through 15 years of my life. I know, too young to be that deep in the emotional shit I got myself into. Well, that's what people in my little town would say. Not that it bothers me. I'm just saying. But that's not the point.
What I meant to say is that in my 15th year of existence something changed.
He taught me German in my first year of gymnasium. A year passed by with nothing special happening and then he simply changed schools. Teacher transfers happened a lot here.
That could have been the end of our teacher-student contacts and I might have never met him again.
But he wrote to me. He found my msn and simply messaged me. It was nothing out of the ordinary. He simply asked about how I'm doing, how's the new teacher, things like that. I wanted to be polite so I answered. I thought it was a one time thing. And so it seemed at first because he didn't contact me for a long while.
But then he wrote again. And we grew closer.
The moment he told me to call him by his name might have been the beginning of my downfall.
We became friends. Then close friends. Never before had I been so close with another human being. I told him about things that my other friends would never hear about from me. I opened my heart before him and let him in. I got addicted to talking with him. He was older, he had more experience, he understood.
That was so much more than I could have ever asked for.
I don't know why he messaged me. Because I were the best from all the classes he taught at my school? Or maybe because we were born on the exact same day, but twelve years apart?
I'll never know.
A year passed and another began and our bizarre online friendship continued. Online is the key word. During that time we met only a few times. On festivals in our town, we went out to the cinema with a few of my friends and classmates. But that was all. In exchange we spent long hours on msn, we texted each other daily.
I should have seen it coming.
Then I became his little brother and I took in calling him my older brother. As for our relationship - we called it brotherly love.
How stupid we were believing that that might stop our feelings from growing deeper.
Quite obviously it didn't stop it for long.
And then one day he rendered me speechless. He stole the air from the room and made me forget how to breathe. He killed me with those three words. Those three little words.
I think that for the first time in my life I were really happy. I felt so overwhelmed with what was going on between us. I've never flown so high.
It didn't last. Soon enough I stared feeling greedy. I wanted more. I wanted for us to be more than just online.
I called it quits. And he didn't chase after me. For once I really wished he stopped being so much of an adult.
I don't know whether the decision I made was right or wrong. I don't know how real it was. All I were left with were the most painful of memories that my abusive mind left me.
And I drowned.
I'll have to skip over the next few years. They were all about self-abuse, brooding, staying alive and wondering what the hell should I do with my life. The only thing I knew for sure was that I didn't want to fall in love again.
I went back to wearing masks and building friendships that wouldn't last. That's how I lived through high school. It really worked. I turned nineteen and didn't feel the craving for human contact anymore. I felt free.
I started a new chapter in my life with something one might call a clean tab. I moved in to the dorms in another city, I started my first year in university, I met new people.
It was fun.
Deep down inside of me my dark emotions continued to eat on me and they'd keep on doing that till nothing but an empty shell would be left if not for him.
It was a first for me to have someone chase after my tail and he didn't seem to mind that I didn't show any interest in becoming his prey. The opposite - he put more and more into wooing me.
He was a real predator. Once he set his eyes on something he wouldn't back down until it was his. Challenges excited him. And my indifference towards his advances was a sort of a challenge.
I... enjoyed being the prey. His prey.
Even if I had doubts whether it was for real or not. Even if I thought that once he'd catch me he'd lose all interest in me. I liked it. I liked it way too much.
The moment I caught myself looking for him in the crowd, the moment I started anticipating his next visit, the moment I started longing for the little touches he spoiled me with I became so scared I tried to push him away.
I knew I was falling for him and I tried to prevent it from happening with all my might. I put all my strength, I used my nineteen years of knowledge of how to keep myself out of close relationships with people. I did all I could, but he didn't let me return to my lonely life.
He teared at my walls slowly breaking through my barriers, he peeled off all my masks. He got to know me as I really am. And accepted me.
And I couldn't stop myself from accelerating anymore.
I think he was my King from day one. From the first time our eyes met. No, it wasn't something as stupidly romantic as love at first sight. We simply felt attracted to each other. Even if I tried to remain in denial about it.
I loved him. I love him.
I'm madly in love with him.
I'm head over heels in love with him.
I love him so much, so deeply that no words are able to cover it. They never will.
I love him more with every day, every hour, every minute, every second of my life.
[Laughs]
I think I might be obsessed with him. But I don't mind. I don't mind at all.
And he doesn't mind either.
Yet I still believe that love is a scary thing.
There are moments when I'm so hungry for him that I fear I might go insane. I can't live through a single day without even just a little dose of him. He's one hell of a drug, I tell ya.
The way he touches me, embraces me. The way he makes love to me or fucks me into the mattress. The way he eats me with his gaze. The way his runs his fingers through my hair when I use his leg as my pillow. The way he kisses me awake. The way he kisses me goodbye. Every single kiss. Every single word - even if he's being his perverted self.
I want it all. I want it for myself. I want him to look at me and me only. I want him to be only mine.
I want to monopolize him and it pisses me off.
I hate being needy and behaving like a spoiled child.
But that just shows how addicted I am. How much I need him in my life.
He changed me so much. He helped me open myself up to people. He helped me create a brighter me.
He loved me even before I got out of my shell - how could I not love him?
Honestly, there are times when I want to tell him 'I love you' over and over again, when I can barely stop myself from showering him with those three words and a rain of kisses.
Knowing he loves me just as much, that he wants me just as much, that he longs for me with equal force, that he's just as much of an addict as I am...
I could never wish for more.
Pairing: King/Maru
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort
Claimer: Mine.
---
Love is a terrifying thing.
That's what I always thought. Ever since I were a kid I never really got attached to anything or anyone. I don't mean to say that I feared getting close to people, not at that time. It was still too early for me to understand those kind of things. But the fact is that there was nothing I'd put my whole heart in, no one I could fully trust. That's just the way I were. A loner for no apparent reason.
I grew older and as years passed by I became conscious of what I'm doing - or of what I'm not doing. Sure, I had friends. There's something in me that makes people like me, that attracts them, that makes them want to take care of me. But I never had a true friend. Not from my point of view.
Gradually I closed myself off. I became more and more awkward in relations with other people. I developed a habit of putting on masks as soon as I left the safety of my room. I had one for any kind of weather. So many appearances. I did my best to give off friendly vibes even when I didn't feel like it, but I always remained distant.
Yet solitude was never something I wanted.
I craved contact, I longed for closeness. There was a hunger in me that I could never satiate. I wanted someone who'd be able to break the barriers I surrounded myself with, who'd peel off my masks, who'd see through me and who'd accept me. With all my complicated and contradicting emotions.
I like to call myself a walking paradox. And I don't mean by that thinking one and doing something else. No, it's not only that. It's not that simple.
When someone asks me "what would you do if...?" I can never give a one single answer. Even if I think it through there's always a couple of replies I have to give and most of the time they are complete opposites. It's as if there were hundreds of me in my head debating the problem and those little Marus could never agree with each other. Does that even make sense?
But that's the way I were. That's the way I am.
So even if I really wanted to love and be loved by someone I could never get pass the fear of the pain it might bring.
That's how I lived through 15 years of my life. I know, too young to be that deep in the emotional shit I got myself into. Well, that's what people in my little town would say. Not that it bothers me. I'm just saying. But that's not the point.
What I meant to say is that in my 15th year of existence something changed.
He taught me German in my first year of gymnasium. A year passed by with nothing special happening and then he simply changed schools. Teacher transfers happened a lot here.
That could have been the end of our teacher-student contacts and I might have never met him again.
But he wrote to me. He found my msn and simply messaged me. It was nothing out of the ordinary. He simply asked about how I'm doing, how's the new teacher, things like that. I wanted to be polite so I answered. I thought it was a one time thing. And so it seemed at first because he didn't contact me for a long while.
But then he wrote again. And we grew closer.
The moment he told me to call him by his name might have been the beginning of my downfall.
We became friends. Then close friends. Never before had I been so close with another human being. I told him about things that my other friends would never hear about from me. I opened my heart before him and let him in. I got addicted to talking with him. He was older, he had more experience, he understood.
That was so much more than I could have ever asked for.
I don't know why he messaged me. Because I were the best from all the classes he taught at my school? Or maybe because we were born on the exact same day, but twelve years apart?
I'll never know.
A year passed and another began and our bizarre online friendship continued. Online is the key word. During that time we met only a few times. On festivals in our town, we went out to the cinema with a few of my friends and classmates. But that was all. In exchange we spent long hours on msn, we texted each other daily.
I should have seen it coming.
Then I became his little brother and I took in calling him my older brother. As for our relationship - we called it brotherly love.
How stupid we were believing that that might stop our feelings from growing deeper.
Quite obviously it didn't stop it for long.
And then one day he rendered me speechless. He stole the air from the room and made me forget how to breathe. He killed me with those three words. Those three little words.
I think that for the first time in my life I were really happy. I felt so overwhelmed with what was going on between us. I've never flown so high.
It didn't last. Soon enough I stared feeling greedy. I wanted more. I wanted for us to be more than just online.
I called it quits. And he didn't chase after me. For once I really wished he stopped being so much of an adult.
I don't know whether the decision I made was right or wrong. I don't know how real it was. All I were left with were the most painful of memories that my abusive mind left me.
And I drowned.
I'll have to skip over the next few years. They were all about self-abuse, brooding, staying alive and wondering what the hell should I do with my life. The only thing I knew for sure was that I didn't want to fall in love again.
I went back to wearing masks and building friendships that wouldn't last. That's how I lived through high school. It really worked. I turned nineteen and didn't feel the craving for human contact anymore. I felt free.
I started a new chapter in my life with something one might call a clean tab. I moved in to the dorms in another city, I started my first year in university, I met new people.
It was fun.
Deep down inside of me my dark emotions continued to eat on me and they'd keep on doing that till nothing but an empty shell would be left if not for him.
It was a first for me to have someone chase after my tail and he didn't seem to mind that I didn't show any interest in becoming his prey. The opposite - he put more and more into wooing me.
He was a real predator. Once he set his eyes on something he wouldn't back down until it was his. Challenges excited him. And my indifference towards his advances was a sort of a challenge.
I... enjoyed being the prey. His prey.
Even if I had doubts whether it was for real or not. Even if I thought that once he'd catch me he'd lose all interest in me. I liked it. I liked it way too much.
The moment I caught myself looking for him in the crowd, the moment I started anticipating his next visit, the moment I started longing for the little touches he spoiled me with I became so scared I tried to push him away.
I knew I was falling for him and I tried to prevent it from happening with all my might. I put all my strength, I used my nineteen years of knowledge of how to keep myself out of close relationships with people. I did all I could, but he didn't let me return to my lonely life.
He teared at my walls slowly breaking through my barriers, he peeled off all my masks. He got to know me as I really am. And accepted me.
And I couldn't stop myself from accelerating anymore.
I think he was my King from day one. From the first time our eyes met. No, it wasn't something as stupidly romantic as love at first sight. We simply felt attracted to each other. Even if I tried to remain in denial about it.
I loved him. I love him.
I'm madly in love with him.
I'm head over heels in love with him.
I love him so much, so deeply that no words are able to cover it. They never will.
I love him more with every day, every hour, every minute, every second of my life.
[Laughs]
I think I might be obsessed with him. But I don't mind. I don't mind at all.
And he doesn't mind either.
Yet I still believe that love is a scary thing.
There are moments when I'm so hungry for him that I fear I might go insane. I can't live through a single day without even just a little dose of him. He's one hell of a drug, I tell ya.
The way he touches me, embraces me. The way he makes love to me or fucks me into the mattress. The way he eats me with his gaze. The way his runs his fingers through my hair when I use his leg as my pillow. The way he kisses me awake. The way he kisses me goodbye. Every single kiss. Every single word - even if he's being his perverted self.
I want it all. I want it for myself. I want him to look at me and me only. I want him to be only mine.
I want to monopolize him and it pisses me off.
I hate being needy and behaving like a spoiled child.
But that just shows how addicted I am. How much I need him in my life.
He changed me so much. He helped me open myself up to people. He helped me create a brighter me.
He loved me even before I got out of my shell - how could I not love him?
Honestly, there are times when I want to tell him 'I love you' over and over again, when I can barely stop myself from showering him with those three words and a rain of kisses.
Knowing he loves me just as much, that he wants me just as much, that he longs for me with equal force, that he's just as much of an addict as I am...
I could never wish for more.