Devotion
Just a piece of writing.
There are times when I think that love is too difficult of a feeling for me. It’s just that kind of complicated emotion that always brings along a luggage of problems to deal with. Love would never be about happiness alone. Because where joy is you can always expect bitterness following just waiting for an opportunity to make a flashy entrance. And with my tendency of looking at the dark side instead of the bright one like normal people do I’m just bound to over-think things and find a way to get lost brooding.
That’s simply the way I was born.
I might believe I’m doing my best to cope with everything so that my beloved one won’t need to worry about me, but in the end I always bring everyone down with me. What a sad excuse of a human being I am.
Oh, it’s not like I don’t get drunk on him, on the feelings we share. It’s not like I’ve never been on cloud nine before. The problem is I’ve been there way too often. I got too used to it. Too used to being spoiled by his love. That’s why in the moment he turns his eyes away from me my world crumbles and I start feeling cold and alone. It doesn’t make much of a difference whether it’s just a second, an hour or a whole day. For me every single moment without him is like an eternity in an endlessly deep, freezing cave that goes by the name Solitude.
I’m that far gone.
I can’t go on fighting if he doesn’t have my back. I can’t spill blood if it’s not for his sake. I can’t keep a smile on my face when he doesn’t have one.
I can’t cry if he’s not the reason behind my tears.
I call it all intoxication, because no matter how you look at it that’s what it all comes down to. It’s all about me getting one fix after another of the air that he breathes, of the smell of his skin, of the taste of his lips, of the look in his eyes when he spills the words of devotion.
I think I’ve said it countless times by now, but it’s an addiction I never want to end. Because no matter how deep in the dumps I’ll be because of all the overwhelming feelings I have for him a simple smile from him is all I need to be able to spread my wings back again.
And I fly higher every time.
When I smile it’s for him alone. When I laugh he’s the one to wipe away the tears of mirth. When I kiss it’s his lips I taste. When I breathe it’s the same air that he breathes as he is the very purpose of my existence.
I was born to love him. And he will be the death of me.
In the end I don’t mind the ache, the dull throb of my heart as long as he’s there to mend me. A silly band-aid, the briefest of kisses and I’m patched up and ready to start over again if only to trip and fall on my ass a second later.
I’ll follow him to the end of the world and further if that’s what he asks me to do. Actually, I’d follow him even if he forbade me. All because of the fact that I can’t go on without his presence.
And even if he’d end up hating me for some reason, as long as there is a chance of him looking at me with any kind of emotion, as long as there is a way for me to make him smile I’ll be there for him.
I’ll always be there, because he’s all I’ll ever need.