(no subject)
Contains spoilers so don't click if you haven't read the book.
Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians.
Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins.
In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
Start an Orc sing-a-long.
Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused. .
When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"
Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
When Sam holds Frodo's hand (or otherwise), start singing, "The Ambiguously Gay Duo!"
When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
12 Day of Christmas
RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have
elected to take the early reindeer retirement package
has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they
will be replaced, and aboutother restructuring
decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was
Necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of
the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping
channels and mail order catalogs have diminished
Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by
And permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the
purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's
annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and
Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also
Lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the
North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will
not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something
at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest
possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose
got that way, not from the cold, but from
Substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into
the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was
an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers
and taken out of context at a time of year when he
is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges
require the North Pole to continue to look for better,
more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are to take place in the
"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree
never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It
will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance;
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is
simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance
during working hours could not be condoned. The
positions are therefore eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. Everyone
loves the French;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated
voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An
analysis is underway to determine who the birds have
been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the
Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on
one commodity could have negative implications for
institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high
technology stocks appear to be in order;
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can
no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
production rate of one egg per goose per day is an
example of the decline in productivity. Three
geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection
procedure by personnel will assure management that
from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number
chosen in better times. The function is primarily
decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
therefore enhance their outplacement;
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has
been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female
balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with
No upward mobility. Automation of the process may
permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or
a-mulching;
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.
This function will be phased out as these individuals
grow older and can no longer do the steps;
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of
Lords plus the expense of international air travel
prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen.
While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant because we expect an oversupply
of unemployed congressmen this year;
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a
simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution
with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no
uniforms will produce savings which will drop right
down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted
people, fowl,animals, and other expenses. Though
incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries
over twelve days is inefficient. If we can dropship in
one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding
the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen
lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper
cuts may be necessary in the future to stay
competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see
if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians.
Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins.
In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
Start an Orc sing-a-long.
Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused. .
When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"
Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
When Sam holds Frodo's hand (or otherwise), start singing, "The Ambiguously Gay Duo!"
When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
12 Day of Christmas
RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have
elected to take the early reindeer retirement package
has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they
will be replaced, and aboutother restructuring
decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was
Necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of
the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping
channels and mail order catalogs have diminished
Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by
And permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the
purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's
annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and
Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also
Lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the
North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will
not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something
at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest
possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose
got that way, not from the cold, but from
Substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into
the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was
an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers
and taken out of context at a time of year when he
is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges
require the North Pole to continue to look for better,
more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are to take place in the
"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree
never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It
will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance;
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is
simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance
during working hours could not be condoned. The
positions are therefore eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. Everyone
loves the French;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated
voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An
analysis is underway to determine who the birds have
been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the
Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on
one commodity could have negative implications for
institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high
technology stocks appear to be in order;
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can
no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
production rate of one egg per goose per day is an
example of the decline in productivity. Three
geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection
procedure by personnel will assure management that
from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number
chosen in better times. The function is primarily
decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
therefore enhance their outplacement;
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has
been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female
balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with
No upward mobility. Automation of the process may
permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or
a-mulching;
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.
This function will be phased out as these individuals
grow older and can no longer do the steps;
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of
Lords plus the expense of international air travel
prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen.
While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant because we expect an oversupply
of unemployed congressmen this year;
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a
simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution
with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no
uniforms will produce savings which will drop right
down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted
people, fowl,animals, and other expenses. Though
incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries
over twelve days is inefficient. If we can dropship in
one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding
the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen
lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper
cuts may be necessary in the future to stay
competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see
if seven dwarfs is the right number.